Experience of relationship counselling?

[Smozzles]

Howdy! So, my husband and I had our first session of marriage counselling. We're at two very different stages. I have one foot out of the marriage to be honest. He has a quick temper and it's not scary; just tiresome and counter-productive. I've lost a lot of affection for him as a result, even though I still love him and find him attractive...a bit complicated, I know.

After 1 long session (1.5 hours), I feel wrecked. I sort of feel, 'why should I have to undergo all this therapy when he is the one with the problem?' I know that sounds like I'm being a brat but I hope I'm not. I've been seeing an individual therapist for months and the therapist has been calling my husband verbally abusive. My husband says that's because it's totally one-sided and he's not hearing his side of the story. Meanwhile, when I told the marriage therapist that my husband shouts and curses at me, she said, 'and what do you do that's not healthy?' I answered the question honestly by saying I find it hard to let things go. I know therapists have to ascertain what they're dealing with but looking back on the session, I just feel enraged by that. I think my husband needs individual counselling, not marriage counselling.

I also feel depleted and exhausted. Have any of you had a positive outcome from couples' counselling? Do you see its worth?

I just emailed the MCer and told her we wouldn't be going ahead with it and explained why. I have reflected deeply on it and I'm certain of that. After what DH told me about his session, I really don't think MC would help us and would undo all the recognition of abuse I've done in my own therapy.

Did he charm her? Work on elucidating what you need to change?sigh. People who don’t want to change won’t, and I guess your marriage isn’t motivation enough for your dh unfortunately.

Hiya, just thought I would offer some insight as a Relate counsellor. At the first session (client intake) we assess what the couple's difficulties may be and any potential risk. This includes looking out for any form of abuse. I'm sorry your RC minimised your account of it in the room. If someone mentions the word abuse we take it VERY seriously and in our individual follow up sessions with both couple members we use a very specific structured interview to ascertain abuse, level, instances, risk etc. Only after seeing both individually would we then come up with a plan moving forwards which may mean referring or signposting elsewhere. As per PP said - this isn't necessarily because Relate are 'shit' at DA/DV it is simply because there are excellent perpetrator and victim programmes who can provide specialist help. I'm sorry you didn't feel heard or held by your RC - and I can't vouch for what her private practices might be. Just thought I would mention in case others reading this may think RC can't help them. I really hope you find the resolutions you are looking for and the next part of your journey is a happier one x

That's useful to know Porger. I had a similar experience to OP. It made me question myself as to whether the menacing rages and manipulation was 50% my fault for not being able to deal with it.perhaps the rc didn't want to alienate my ex but it seem to give him ammunition. He decided his scary anger rages weren't the problem, it was OUR communication issues.

Did he charm her? Work on elucidating what you need to change

Not quite but he did say that he 'let out all his frustration at me' & found out that that his rage (which has been around since long before me) 'is due to built up resentment' at me.

She said to him, however, that he needs to work on his resentment...

If someone mentions the word abuse we take it VERY seriously

I didn't mention the word abuse because DH warned me a few months ago to 'stop using that word.' I was hoping she'd pick up on it. Such direct questioning is idealistic & cannot work.

Just thought I would mention in case others reading this may think RC can't help them.

Thanks. You're right. Every person & every counsellor is different. I know now in my situation that RC could well undo the good done in individual counselling but RC is no doubt wonderful for those with other issues that don't involve abuse.

It’s ridiculous naive to assume that if someone is being abused they are going to realise it and call it abuse... and in front of their partner too 🙄

ridiculously

@Itsnotok & @AnotherEmma

Exactly. I've come too far in my own therapy to go down that road & ive been there before with our last therapist , who I learned today has left the country ...

I'm a classic second guesser but one thing I'm sure of is how ineffective couples counselling would be for DH & me. All of you who said that were dead right.

Haven't read the whole thread, just wanted to contribute really. I had a bad experience. First few sessions were fine, but on the 5th one my DH said that he thought I deserved less income than him because I "only" work part-time and look after the DCs on my "days off." I was outraged and fuming- the counsellor raised her voice at me and told me to control my negative thoughts over this revelation and to appreciate that my DH was beginning to open up... I asked for a refund for the next session and never went back.

@AnotherEmma that is why we always have individual sessions, so someone could open up about any harmful situations they may be in without their partner listening/controlling/minimising. Unfortunately it would be impossible (and unethical) to guess about someone's situation but using the actual term 'abuse' isn't always necessary to get a picture of what is happening. 'I'm being abused' is an extremely hard thing to say even just privately to a counsellor. It is hugely disappointing to hear about people's terrible experiences. I cannot even begin to understand why any counsellor would shout during a session.

We went once. I was very surprised to see that he admitted behaviour and actions there which he had previously denied to me. It was as though he felt he couldn't bullshit there. It changed our relationship a great deal.

It sounds like people have mixed experiences. In any case, it was never going to be a panacea. I can't sit through DH justifying abusive behaviour and even though I've known for a long time, it's all just sinking in now. I had to rush to the toilet in work and just bawl crying. Even though I know he hasn't been treating me right for a long time, I'm desperately sad and lonely at the thoughts of all of this. I still care so much about him and I'm just shocked that this is happening.

Poor you. I think it's really hard when you accept the reality of being in an abusive relationship. I know how it feels to think if he could just stop those abusive behaviours, we could be so happy . Can you go out with a friend or family? Sounds like you need some rl support.

So i did some training re counselling but timing wasnt right so never practiced but thought id add something just in case others are in your situation

Mc isnt about trying to convince the therapist whos right or whos wrong. They arent a judge. There's been a lot of talk about charming them/winning them over as if they are the judge to declare who is at fault. They are there to explore the relationship between you. The only views that matter are the couple. Eg i could think someone is a right idiot but im not there for the individual but the dynamic between them

Also you have to be willing to both work. Sometimes the benefit of MC is that it clarifies actually youre done with the relationship. Its not a miracle cure but often people go as a last ditch attempt when actually they checked out long ago. For example the OP feels she doesnt need to work on her communication and that her partner is abusive and not going to change. Im not saying shes wrong but that's a situation that MC was never going to influence because theres nothing that would have made this a success for OP (rightly so). No small changes, no talking about how it made you feel or considering the others emotions. However personally my ds found sitting down, desperately wanting the mc to agree he was an awful person and there was nothing she could do, gave her the clarity to leave. She realised she didnt have any comprimises or chances to give anymore. Shes now happy with someone else because that session made her realise just how far things had gone and that her ex was never going to be able or inclined to fix it

Ive just realised that sounded a bit harsh. What i meant OP is you dont need permission to leave. Regardless of what any mc or relative or friend says, you get to decide what is acceptable and what is workable. You are the only one who knows what this feels like to you and what its like to live with.

I know how it feels to think if he could just stop those abusive behaviours, we could be so happy sad

This is exactly how it feels. Struggling to imagine ever being able to repair the damage done. DH topped & tail the day on Thursday with giving out to me.

I did meet a friend this evening. I didn't tell her anything but it was good just to be in someone's company & chat.

My have has broken out in acne. I feel like such a failure & a mess.

Thanks for your posts.

Mc isnt about trying to convince the therapist whos right or whos wrong. They arent a judge.

If only! The first therapist we went to was thoroughly judgement & not at all impartial. I feel so angry at her. In an ideal world, therapists wouldn't 'side' with one person in MC. And in an ideal world doctors would never misdiagnose & teachers would never lose the rag.

*jidgemental

*judgemental (sorry, I'm tired!)

You are the only one who knows what this feels like to you and what its like to live with.

This is true & I also know that none of my friends would put up with what I've put up with.

@pebbles - that is hilarious! I did a counselling course once, admittedly a style of counselling that is now somewhat out of fashion (thank goodness!). Both the course leaders were - how shall I put it? The kindest way of putting it is that both I suspect came from hugely dysfunctional backgrounds, especially the male one. They used the counselling training to reap further dysfunction within the group. Using techniques like scapegoating, minimizing, trivializing and so on. You couldn't make it up, could you? Took me the best part of a year to finally twig what was going on as I went in naively trusting them because of their status as tutors on a counselling course. Interestingly, at the interview, one of the first questions they asked was about my relationship with authority figures! I suspect they wanted recruits who were naive and automatically trusted authority figures by virtue of their status. In other words, who wouldn't rumble them. I clearly passed that test, ahem!

It was a somewhat mind-blowing discovery that the very people who were supposed to be modelling healthy communication and relationships were doing the exact opposite. They had little or no empathy and ironically appeared to have little insight into their own behaviour. It made me realize that the most important attribute for a good counsellor is good character. Something that narcissists are quite good at feigning, in my opinion.

I realize this is a somewhat extreme example but nevertheless it does illustrate how dysfunction and abuse can be perpetuated by the very people who are supposed to be countering it.

I think finding a good counsellor is a bit like dating - you have to kiss an awful lot of frogs metaphorically speaking before you find the right one. It takes a great deal of insight and hard work to come out of a dysfunctional family background, recognize what was going on, and then be able to help others heal.

It took a friend who had gone through a long and hideous divorce with a highly narcissistic man to diagnose the problem. My family thought I was crazy and delusional - a picture ex was happy to paint - and wanted to medicalize me. The male members of my family would have nice cozy chats with ex to discuss what could be done. Perhaps if it had been 100 years ago I would have been dispatched into the equivalent of a lunatic asylum. Ex told everyone he was very worried about me which gave the illusion of him caring, when in reality he knew that the problem was that I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him and he was worried about himself.

OP - trust your gut instincts. This is a long process but you have great awareness which is at least half the battle. Just be prepared - things often get worse before they get better. Four years down the line I think I can safely say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. (Apologies for cliches!) :)

Smozzles - this got me thinking:

If only! The first therapist we went to was thoroughly judgement & not at all impartial. I feel so angry at her. In an ideal world, therapists wouldn't 'side' with one person in MC. And in an ideal world doctors would never misdiagnose & teachers would never lose the rag.

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In an ideal world, we would all come from perfect, non-dysfunctional families! But just think how many people would be out of work...