Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Help, It’s a MIL one.

262 replies

whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:05

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 17:30

I’m just feeling very conflicted about all of this and I’m struggling with how I feel about any of it. I know my posts are quite disordered and a bit of a rollercoaster but it’s just a stream of consciousness. I need to stop feeling guilty, I know that. We probably will go away, it’ll be good for us and although it might seem unkind, it’ll be good for her to have the place to herself for a couple of days.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 27/09/2018 17:34

To me it really sounds like your MIL may have a mental health condition of some kind. She sounds incredibly lacking in empathy and also wanting to be stuck in a cared for situation. I think you should broach the idea of a mental health assessment for her. But she might just be an awkward lazy person too, right?
Personally I'd moved out if you can. See you might qualify for any local social housing deals, right to buy etc - especially since you're a trainee nurse. I doubt she will change, you need to leave.

indianwoman · 27/09/2018 17:43

Why do you not want to sit her down and say, look, we are three adults and we need to share the costs and workload. What are you going to contribute or how do we suggest we do it?

Out of all your posts you haven't suggested the most obvious thing to do!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 17:47

Agree Indian, I have suggested that and I'm sure others have too but I don't think the OP has addressed this question.

Surely this is the first step!

2doubles · 27/09/2018 17:52

This thread is so baffling. So lots of posters telling OP she's wrong to not want to support a grown woman, pay her bills, do her washing and cook for her??? Other threads I've seen have advised throwing lazy entitled 18yo kids out of the house for the same behaviours Confused.

DeRigueurMortis · 27/09/2018 18:13

Exactly 2doubles...

It's perfectly possible to like/love someone and still be utterly frustrated by their behaviour.

Having read the thread OP I see where you're coming from.

The issue as I see it, is that along with the sad death of the GF you've not just inherited a (share of a) house, but the prevailing attitudes and expectations within it.

Your MIL has been indulged for a long time (her parents choice even if I disagree with it) but it's not the responsibility for another generation to "parent the parent".

It's very sad but the death of the GF is really the catalyst for change here.

Firstly you need to see a solicitor and understand the terms of the will. You may well have to sell anyway depending on what's been specified, or there may be a clause to allow your MIL to live their until her death before the other beneficiaries can sell. Until you know this it's hard to plan next steps.

Whatever happens though you can't keep going as you are and you need to make that clear reasonably soon.

If you have to sell then I presume she's not moving in with you, hence she needs to start being independent. If you don't need to sell, she still needs to step up and take on board some financial and physical responsibilities for running the house.

What you cant do is uphold the status quo indefinitely, so the sooner you start taking steps (initially quite gently but firmly) to make clear the old regime is no longer feasible the better.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 18:27

OP hasn't inherited a share, her partner has.

The difference between this and an 18 yr old is this is not OP's house, it is her partner's, mother's, recently deceased father's house.

That OP and partner were happy to live in subsidised accommodation but resent mother doing the same.
Mother has lived there all of her life.

And... it's two weeks.

Hasn't even been a funeral yet.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 18:36

You’re still here then, and still choosing to ignore that my DP has also lived here all his life with a brief period of us moving into a flat together?

And also choosing to ignore that DP paid to live here as soon as he was able to pay, and that I have also paid since I’ve been living here? And that MIL hasn’t?

We moved here at DGF’s suggestion, we didn’t ask him if we could come and live here but we gratefully accepted his offer.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 18:37

I’ve been over this several times, and explained exactly what the breakdown was with regard to rent, food and bills. It was the same as we would’ve done in our own accommodation except we were effectively family lodgers rather than tenants.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 18:41

I’m beginning to think you’re a hard done by MIL yourself as you seem to think they can do no wrong! You even defended the welly thief on a different thread.

OP posts:
tillytop · 27/09/2018 18:47

The welly thief! Grin Take no notice OP, you get shit stirrers on nearly every thread nowadays. Best ignored really. You've had some good advice from other postersSmile

tillytop · 27/09/2018 18:54

OP, your Mil sounds very much like my DD. Held down a good job but did nothing, paid for nothing at home. Yet a lovely girl. Sadly, she's recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which explains a lot. I'm not in any way saying that your Mil might have this. I'm trying to say I know how you feel when you love a family member but they seem oblivious to what needs paying/doing. Flowers

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 18:55

Thank you tilly Flowers

OP posts:
UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 18:57

I can tell you're really grief stricken, and working so hard, studying, second job, sorting out the washing et al.
It must be overwhelming you, especially since you've had to force yourself to do an advance search, then struggle through the grief to type out a riposte.

I'm not a MIL.
I can spot a bullshitter at a hundred paces though.

tillytop · 27/09/2018 18:57

I'm thinking of starting a thread called "shit stirrers only." Then they can all get together and argue amongst themselves! Grin

2doubles · 27/09/2018 19:00

And... it's two weeks

Yes but OP said this was all going on before the MILs father died. It's outrageous that a grown woman isn't contributing to the household in any way, shape or form. This can't go on.

2doubles · 27/09/2018 19:02

You even defended the welly thief on a different thread

Grin Ha ha ha, excellent.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 19:07

Oh fuck off, who would even make any of this up?! I would’ve posted under my own username if it wasn’t such a big, identifying mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 19:08

I can assure you that I’ve not performed an advance search of you, please don’t flatter yourself so. I’ve just seen your comments on a lot of different posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 19:09

Might want to wipe the shit off your goggles though if you can spot a bullshitter at a hundred paces as you’re barking up the wrong bloody forest here.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 27/09/2018 19:28

I completely sympathy with you Op
Not too many years ago I turned around one day and realised :
I was working full time , and as well as looking myself and the house I was also looking after 3 abled bodied adults.
Just me and hubby now.
But my point is people will sit back and let you.

Rach000 · 27/09/2018 19:55

Not sure why everyone is getting so arsey with you. If you can afford to keep her then you can't afford it and need her to sort it soon. You are giving her time to get over the loss but you are aware it needs sorting at some point.
Not sure what you should do but sounds like you will need to or end up staying for now and hopefully sell the house soonish.

louise5754 · 27/09/2018 20:19

This may have been covered but did anyone try to have a word with her over the past 57 years to give her poor father a break?

ElspethFlashman · 27/09/2018 20:35

I'm confused...... She's not actually your MIL? She's your boyfriends mum?

If so, OP I would check your own situation first. You have no right to any part of that house or the profits that may accrue from it. So if I were you, I'd take a big step back.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 27/09/2018 20:38

I'd just focus on saving for that deposit and moving out. She'll then have no choice but to cope.