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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, It’s a MIL one.

262 replies

whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:05

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 16:40

You've had a lot of support OP too so not sure why you're annoyed that some people don't agree with you.

If you love her then you'll try and cut her some slack during this difficult time.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 27/09/2018 16:40

@whattodoaboutMIL

I’m going to ask MN to move this to Relationships, I think.

Moving it over for you now, OP.

ittakes2 · 27/09/2018 16:41

Her dad just died. You said your partner is grieving - I bet she is too. Not a good time for the family to fall apart. You said your partner paid housekeeping to his grandfather who has now died - does he then still pay this or is this something you can save now.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 16:44

If you love her then you'll try and cut her some slack during this difficult time.

Absolutely.
Good advice.

Actually, I helped someone to find a movie they couldn't find the other day, I also made somebody laugh.
Never shit on my MIL in my life either

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:45

Not sure what the plan is for the housekeeping money going forward, it was a little bit of pocket money for DGF on top of household contributions to supplement his pension as the mortgage was paid long ago.

OP posts:
ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 16:46

The OP can be annoyed with, exasperated with and had enough of someone that she loves and who loves her back.

She can rant and rave and get frustrated with that person too.

It doesn't mean she is back tracking. It just means there's wankers in AIBU, as per usual.

stayathomer · 27/09/2018 16:46

OP is there any chance she stopped doing things because you moved in? If she held down a job in a hospital chances are she knows her way about and can look after herself? Maybe she needs a bit of space and she'd get on with everything ( meant in the nicest possible way?)

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:47

What exactly is your contribution here, UsedItUp? I’m asking for advice and you’re just tearing me to shreds. I really don’t need that right now. You’ve said your piece so please find someone else to hassle.

OP posts:
ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 16:48

stayathomer I was wondering the same thing.

Whether MIL feels this is the time to really put her fee up and feel 'looked after'.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:49

Exactly ButAIBUtho, no family is without its ups and downs and no relationship is perfect. It’s an emotional time for all of us, doesn’t everyone get frustrated and upset with the ones they love or are there really some perfect MNetters who live a Disney life 100% of the time? If so, what’s the secret Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:50

@stayathomer, no she was like this when DP was growing up and has been this way all his life.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2018 16:51

I really don’t see why op is getting grief. Op and her dp moved in to look after his grandfather, who was basically his father growing up. His grandfather had his daughter living with him and instead of her looking after him both financially and physically, he was looking after her. She has not been diagnosed as having additional needs at this time.

Ops grandfather paid for his daughter to live and eat and op and her dp paid for themselves. Op and her dp slotted into the grandfathers routine, which involved assisting him in looking after and cooking for his daughter. A woman, who is capable of holding down a job. Now that her father has died, this lady is expecting op and her dp pick up the slack, cost and look after her when they never really agreed to do this in the first place and rather maintained the status quo.

Op was happy to help out but now finds herself in a position, where she cannot continue. Her mil has lost her father. Her dp has lost his (grand)father. One bereavement does not trump another.

Why should two full time working adults pick up the slack and cost of looking after his mother, when they are working full time and she is not? It seems to me that his mother needs to pick at least some of that slack up herself.

Yes it’s shit losing a parent. But he was hardly a young man and she’s not a young woman either. Death is an inevitable part of life so I don’t get why she is allowed wallow in her grief when her son is not.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:51

Maybe in a few weeks when things have settled down a bit, DP and I could go for a weekend break somewhere and see how she copes at home?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/09/2018 16:52

Maybe in a few weeks when things have settled down a bit, DP and I could go for a weekend break somewhere and see how she copes at home?

I think that's a great idea, or you're going to be chained to her and the house for eternity!

WheelOfMisfortune · 27/09/2018 16:54

I think a lot of people are wilfully misunderstanding you here OP.

If I was you I would sit down with her tonight and explain that from now on a rota for cooking and cleaning will be in place and that you expect her to make plans to look for work. Also point out that the house will need to be sold soon as her and DH only make up 40% of the beneficiaries so cannot claim sole ownership.

If she fails in the rota, cut her out of the cooking entirely and explain why.

Horrid situation for you, so sorry.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/09/2018 16:54

Oh OP, you're getting a very undeserved kicking from people unable to read whole sentences and posts.

It's really not hard to highlight all the OP's posts in a thread and then read them all before putting the boot in.

Since you get on well with your MIL and your DP is currently very frustrated with her, then maybe you need to talk to her about the executor role. Probate must be granted on your DP's grandfather's estate - she can't keep putting it off, like she put off registering his death - I can't believe she didn't know she had to do it, but I can imagine she didn't want to do it. She could get herself into bother by not doing things in a timely manner, so if she really can't get it together by herself, then you (and your DP) need to guide her through it.

Yes, no doubt she is grieving - but equally she's probably shit scared that her life is about to change dramatically and is sticking her head in the sand in the hope that if she does nothing about it, then nothing needs to change. She has to be told that this isn't the case.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:54

Although even that would make me feel shitty! If we went away for a break and left her here Sad

I suggested earlier that we tackle some of the clutter in the conservatory (DGF was a bit of a hoarder!) and she agreed so we’re having a little tidy up together now and chatting about some of the things we’ve found Smile

Baby steps!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 16:54

Have you had the funeral yet? Can you give her a week then sit her down and explain that you can't afford to feed her and need some help around the house as you're both busy?

In a good relationship people usually can talk things through and take on board what's being said.

How about that OP?

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:56

No, we’re organising the funeral at the moment. The coroner only released Gramps this morning!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 16:58

Ok we'll get the funeral out of the way, give her the support she needs and then talk to her. Hopefully she will be responsive Smile

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 16:59

Well

ChimesAtMidnight · 27/09/2018 16:59

I'm no expert, but I'd have thought there would be legal consequences of your MIL not carrying out the execution of the will ?

Time4change2018 · 27/09/2018 17:04

Op you have my sympathies, love to your DP also during this difficult time.
Your mind is whirling at 100 miles an hour and with good reason and intention. That said GF is not yet buried is he ?
I'd do what I could until this is over, let the dust settle while continuing to make baby steps. Sit her down in a few weeks and divide up the jobs.... explaining they need to be done a certain way if she isnt used to doing them and working out a weekly amount she'll need to pay for food / bills. Show her how is is worked out and advise you need this each week / month to run the house. It will be a tough conversation but needs doing calmly after the funeral has passed.

stayathomer · 27/09/2018 17:13

Mummyoflittledragon She can wallow after just two weeks surely? what's the timeframe you'd give for grieving someone who sounds lovely who you've shared a home and life with?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/09/2018 17:14

even that would make me feel shitty! If we went away for a break and left her here

OP can I ask what exactly you want from your thread? You mentioned - very understandably - that you'd wait to plan such a break until things had "settled down a bit", but now you're saying you'd be reluctant to do even that?

There's nothing wrong with having a good old vent, but is this all you want or is it genuinely suggestions you're looking for?