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Original poster

Help, It’s a MIL one.

262 replies

whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 14:05

NC as some details are outing.

DP and I moved in with his (healthy) grandpa. MIL also lives here as she’s never moved out (DP grew up here and moved out only briefly). Grandpa suddenly passed away recently so it’s just us and MIL. We both work full-time in demanding jobs but MIL doesn’t work. It wasn’t a case of her caring for her dad as he was fit and well, his death was very sudden. She literally does nothing and she did nothing when he was around.

DP and I will come home after a long day at work, buy and cook dinner and she will appear in the kitchen expecting to be fed. She will then disappear off to her bedroom once she has eaten and leave us to wash up. She never offers money towards food or housekeeping, it’s honestly like having a child. This was apparently how she treated grandpa but he just let it slide.

What can we do? We can’t move out as DP needs his share of the house for us to afford a deposit, we’re in no position to buy MIL out and we have no right to ask her to leave. She claims no benefits so has literally zero income. I study full-time (nursing) and work part-time so we genuinely can’t afford to sub her. We mention her returning to work and send her job ads, phone numbers, anything we see that she could do but she is not interested. DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling (his grandparents brought him up as she wasn’t the best mother)

Suppose this is more of a WWYD/rant than an AIBU but I guess the AIBU is would I be unreasonable to just stop feeding her and let her get on with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:15

She is genuinely a very sweet and pleasant lady. I love her and she loves me, too. We are affectionate with one another and I always, always make time for her. I’m not some horrible bastard who wants rid of their MIL like so many do. Sad

I want to help her help herself, even if that means a bit of tough love.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/09/2018 16:16

I could just refuse to support her but I do it anyway

And that's exactly why she'll go right on expecting "to be kept as she has been all her life" Hmm

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:17

She quit her job because the cleaning contractor for the hospital we both worked at was shite! They’ve since lost the contract.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:19

I just want her to enjoy her life! Learn how to be an adult, make friends, learn skills and hobbies maybe. Even a voluntary job a few hours a week at an animal sanctuary or something, just so she’s not in her room all day because I’ve been there when I had a brief period out of work and it’s fucking shit.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 16:21

Is your partner as annoyed by all of this as you are?

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:22

Yes, he is. He’s had a lot of bugbears about his Mum for a long time stemming from how she treated him when he was little, and how she used his grandparents.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 27/09/2018 16:23

What you want is for her to leave the house so that you can sell it. If it is her only home and she was fully supported by GF then she has rights to stay there. This is why you 'can't' move out isn't it?

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 16:23

DP is barely speaking to her and the whole relationship is crumbling

Backtracking OP? Hmm

MadisonMontgomery · 27/09/2018 16:24

Just stop doing things for her! Don’t cook for her, don’t leave food in the cupboards/fridge that she can access, stop doing her washing - she’ll never change as long as people pander to her.

ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 16:24

You're getting a hard time and you don't deserve it.

Upthread when someone mentioned about keeping the inheritance away from the other beneficiaries, I believe what they meant was, if MIL drags her heals then they miss out too and that's not fair.

The above poster is right, it the probate etc can take some time.
We inherited a house and it took nearly 2 years to actually get it in our name. And that was a relatively smooth procedure.

So you need to come to an agreement.

I would have to go down the 'tough love' route and stop feeding her and washing her clothes. She is a grown woman and you don't have the time or money to do this, so you are being totally fair to stop doing this.

And you need to keep calmly repeating the same thing to her.
That you cannot afford to run the house and feed her. That you love her and you all want to get along but you all need to be independent adults.

And you need to make sure that all the probate etc is actually happening because it clearly won't if she is left to it...

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:24

How am I backtracking?

OP posts:
ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 16:24

And see a solicitor.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:25

DP is dealing with his own grief as he’s lost his parent too, effectively. He’s back to work and continuing as an adult.

OP posts:
ButAIBUtho · 27/09/2018 16:26

You're not back tracking.

It's the Mumsnet massive who like to tear OP's to shreds because they need something to wank over.

Ignore them.

There is helpful advice amongst it.

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:28

I just needed somewhere to put all this down in words as I’ve burdened my own Mum and friends with it all a lot recently!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/09/2018 16:29

I just want her to enjoy her life!

Not within your power I'm afraid. You can (and have) point out the many things she could do to help herself, but if she refuses because she knows you'll go right on doing things for her, I'd suggest the only option left is to stop doing them

Have you considered that, by continuing the habit of everyone else picking up the slack, you're not actually helping her in the end?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/09/2018 16:30

Your early posts regarding MIL are totally different to the most recent ones OP. Like you're talking about two different people? Confused

ApolloandDaphne · 27/09/2018 16:31

You are fine OP, some on MN like to berate and get their digs in no matter what. Sounds like a difficult situation you have there.

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 27/09/2018 16:31

You are backtracking OP because you've shown no sympathy or understanding for you partner's mother throughout the thread.
Then it's 'she loves me, I love her too' 'I just want her to enjoy her life'.

Bullshit.
Your OP is at least honest. You want the house to be sold so your partner gets his share and you are pissed off because you've had two weeks of feeding her.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/09/2018 16:34

I'm not sure why people are giving you a hard time OP (other than that's just what they enjoy doing).

Is MiL lacking in confidence? Depressed? Just in a rut? Could you send her out on small errands to get her going? e.g. pop to the shops to buy milk? Would she do it if you texted her and said "MiL we'll be home late desperately need more milk can you get some today?'

CottonTailRabbit · 27/09/2018 16:36

She is an adult. She knows how to be an adult but chooses to let everyone else run after her like a lazy manchild would. When she finally lives alone she will be fine.

As for letting this continue because she's only just lost her dad, well, DH just lost the man who was effectively his dad too. He gets as many sympathy points as she does. Right now, in the time of turmoil and change is exactly the moment for your DH to say How are we going to organise our lives now DGF isn't around?

It is also the perfect moment for him to make abundantly clear both to her and to you that you are not to be her housemaid.

You should have more respect for yourself on that front too. Look in the mirror and say out loud "I am nobody's skivvy."

Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:36

No, that’s utter bollocks. I DO love her and I DO want her to be okay. Should’ve known better than to post in AIBU where people sit and wait to kick people when they’re down. I’ve seen your comments on other threads and you never have anything nice to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:37

Thank you CottonTail, I needed to hear that.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoaboutMIL · 27/09/2018 16:38

I’m going to ask MN to move this to Relationships, I think.

OP posts:
booandbumpp · 27/09/2018 16:39

Sorry - I've tried to read through everything but it's possible I may have missed something.
Have you told your MIL that you can't afford to pay for her share of the food and bills?