Isabella, I’m sorry you feel bad.
And I’m sorry you are feeling attacked by this thread.
However your arguing back and all your posts and venting about your deep feelings... it all points to one thing, which you don’t seem able, or willing, to see.
And that is that your thinking, emotions and behaviours about your relationship with this man is highly disordered, unhealthy, and really not ‘normal’.
You are so dependent on this relationship, whatever state it’s in, whatever this man does to you or your children, that you prioritise it and him above all other elements of your life.
And you’re genuinely confused when other people question this as not a fitting attitude for the primary caretaker of vulnerable children.
Everything you do, feel or think is wrapped up in the drama, conflict and emotional yearning of this man.
You need serious work on yourself and your family to quiet this unfulfilled need in yourself that is putting this frantic search for romantic love above everything else in your life.
You need to find a locus of control within yourself. Stop searching for it within this vile and wholly inadequate man.
You need to (re)learn what putting your children’s real needs first looks and feels like.
Because it doesn’t look like this, this stuff that’s happening now. This, this chaotic, frantic, awful mess that’s happening now, is what happens when you are chasing an unhealthy fantasy and believing it will satisfy yours (& by proxy your children’s) deepest needs... when all it is, is a hunt fuelled by desire and guaranteed to end in misery, if you ever let it end, instead of chasing and chasing and chasing the drama and adrenalin.
This is why people don’t want to answer your questions about how to reply to a text, when you ask as if it’s a first text from your lover, rather than the latest in the same old abusive cycle that’s gone on for years.
This is why people aren’t impressed when you say there’s nothing wrong with your partner treating you appallingly and then giving you an std, because ‘you were on a break’. Because no matter how many times you claim you can’t blame him and he’s perfectly innocent, and you take all the guilt for errr, I don’t even know what around that time, I’m afraid we don’t agree, because it’s your attitude that is skewed, not ours.
And finally, this is why posters keep bringing up events you’ve decided are ‘in the past’ or very long ago. Because the STD thing was only a couple of months ago, as was so many of the events you post about. And so we still count them as highly relevant to the present, and see the high number and frequency of these dramatic relationship upheavals and events as a Pattern, not unlucky one-offs that ‘oh I can explain’...
You may find my post hard to read. You may reject it. But all I can do is try and get through to you, as I think you need a chance to change things. For your children, as well as yourself.