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Original poster

Taking friend's sons to school as a favour.

240 replies

Polly7 · 22/09/2018 12:21

As a favour to a friend whose sons attend the same nursery as my 2 sons . I agreed to take her sons to and fro to school and back. (I'm going anyway, so it's no biggie). However her eldest son has declined to invite my eldest son to his birthday party, her reason-" it's up to my son who he invites to his birthday party)! "I didn't want to get into a paid type of arrangement. I know that she's short of cash, so her job is vital. Her husband doesn't lift a finger to help her with her sons. I'm quite pissed off, and on the point of telling her that my eldest son doesn't want her son to accompany us to school! My husband and 2 close friends have said that I should tell her that our "arrangement" is terminated-she has taken advantage quite frequently re her kids staying for lunch with us,and what not! Any advice?

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 26/09/2018 13:39

Completely agree with the previous post. Most people don't mean any harm, and I think it sounds like she is trying.

5LeafClover · 26/09/2018 13:41

OP offered to do the lists but doesn't really want to do them any more. Her call.

The implication that it was because of the birthday party when it turned out it was just 2 friends and the mil...a bit odd.

The bit about the "mischievous best friend" and the Spode cup very odd and a bit off.

The bit where she thinks the 'cf' may be on mn but still goes on to discuss her life, husband, house and laundry preferences in detail, while explaining that all is ok because they are still 'friends'. Very odd and not altogether kind.

The bit about standing up to iron being weird (but potentially therapeutic) and that if you can't afford to get your husband's shirts sent out (like the op does) you should at the very least use the tumble dryer made me laugh out loud (sorry).

Hissy · 26/09/2018 13:48

Wow.

Still spectacularly out of touch eh OP? a sprinkle of judgy, hint of smug, whiff of complacency too. bravo.

If you are looking for a reason why your kid's been excluded from anything she has to do with you, think it's becoming more obvious.

chemicalworld · 26/09/2018 13:57

"Her useless lazy husband is a "consultant", for what? God knows! He has Psych issues, he's adopted and suffers from a syndrome peculiar to some middle aged adoptees.

Yeah my mum always said that I was a sucker for a lame dog! Not only dogs, cats, horses, people etc.

I told her to use a dryer then she wouldn't have to iron clothes, my husband's shirts go to a laundry every week. How weird is that standing ironing, I think it gives her respite form the chaos in her life!"

All of this is just nasty and judgemental.

People who have psyche issues are 'lame dogs?' How do other people iron?!

wizzywig · 26/09/2018 14:09

Is there any chance she could work at a school your kids attend in the future?

DastardlyDoris · 26/09/2018 14:39

So she's skint and struggling and you and your BF think it's amusing that your BF gave her a list of expensive items you'd like for Christmas - which you in fact don't give a fuck about - and she bought you one? Anyone who has struggled for money is probably wincing at the thought of how much stress it put her under to buy that for you, especially at Christmas when finances are already stretched. Her husband has mental health issues (by your own description) that you've sneered at, and your child wasn't snubbed at all because no party ever existed, just a very low key birthday tea. You've sneered at her house and implied that she's only interested in a job for maternity benefits.

I'm really glad you've decided you're too good for this poor woman and fucked off out of her life. You sound absolutely, spectacularly awful.

Original poster
Polly7 · 26/09/2018 15:00

Thank you very much for the positive comments. As for the negative posters I really don't value your opinions-FYIs the person in question isn't on MN. As for her husband , he's going to be receiving counselling facilitated by me, so that shows just what a shit friend I am!

That's the problem with posting on a site like this, some people don't get the full picture, so make erroneous
judgements on the scant , edited information provided by the OP. And people say the Guardian is bad!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice day!!

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 26/09/2018 15:08

You know what? It's great that you've sorted out something for her husband, but sneering at his mental health issues behind her back make it clear what kind of person you are - and you should perhaps take some time to look at yourself.

Hissy · 26/09/2018 15:18

hear, hear chemical

the only one judging here Polly is you. Oh and Mrs Spode-Godive-Chanel.

laraloo92 · 26/09/2018 15:21

I would calmly have a word with her about it and say your son is upset about it or whatever, I wouldn't stop taking her kids to nursery because like you said your going anyway but I would make it aware that your hurt by it and feel taken advantage of etc

user187656748 · 26/09/2018 15:23

And there she is...

Forget the niceties once criticised, the true colours quickly come out.

RomanyRoots · 26/09/2018 15:43

Blimey, I'm glad you're not my friend, I'd be worried what you were bitching behind my back.
I'm sure they'll manage without you.
feeling sorry for your ds though, because with your attitude towards people he'll probably be missing a few real parties in the future.
Because rightly or wrongly people assume that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

laraloo92 · 26/09/2018 15:51

I think your being really nasty, her kid doesn't hAve to invite your kid it's seems to bother you more than your child. she is obviously struggling for money so why Invite someone to a party who they don't nessesarily want there. Why are you acting like children and talking behind backs and not actually talking to her. What difference does it make to you taking her child when your going anyway your being nasty and petty. Getting the hump cos she hasn't invited your son she might only be able to afford 2 kids there and wants her child to be happy on there birthday, he comes before you. You seem like a nasty bitch bringing up her partner has nothing to do with anything worry about your own life

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2018 16:04

I'm not usually on the CF side, you are not her relative and its up to her to mobilise her husband, but the way you talk about both of them sounds really unkind.

Puppywithattitude · 26/09/2018 16:19

I know I'm spectacularly missing the point of this thread, but it's because I've been distracted by your friend giving her a list of expensive presents for a laugh when it is known she is short of cash.
Appalling behaviour.

Original poster
Polly7 · 26/09/2018 16:23

If I hadn't stepped in the situation with her husband languishing on their sofa 24/7 would have continued. I approached it from a concern for the family's welfare as a whole.

Anyways the situation is resolved (hopefully).

I'm going to add trolls to the list of lame-dogs, people, cats, horses my mum used to say I attracted.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 26/09/2018 16:48

I think perhaps, listening to your Mum's point of view on 'lame-dogs' etc, might be the issue, but if it helps you to dismiss a whole load of people that can clearly see problems in the way you talk about others, then so be it.

You can take a horse to water, but you can't teach it to drink, as my Mum used to say.

DastardlyDoris · 26/09/2018 17:00

"I know I'm spectacularly missing the point of this thread, but it's because I've been distracted by your friend giving her a list of expensive presents for a laugh when it is known she is short of cash.
Appalling behaviour."

This. And even worse, expensive presents that the OP doesn't even want and has sneered at this woman for buying it as if that makes the woman a fuckwit.

Honestly one of the nastiest, unkindest things I've ever read on Mumsnet. And the OP still has absolutely zero self awareness or understanding of just how disgraceful it is.

Snowymountainsalways · 26/09/2018 17:22

I too would stop the lifts.

You are doing her a huge favour!

In the end maybe this is a blessing in disguise, a very long term arrangement like this in the middle of winter when the kids start becoming ill etc it could become very tiring.

anrolnotrom · 26/09/2018 17:26

Young children need something called 'parenting' and one aspect of parenting is teaching them that sometimes we invite people to our celebrations because it is the appropriate thing to do. Young children's friendships are incredibly transient and I've known countless children who were not invited to a friend's party because they fell out the week of the invitations going out or some similar silly thing. Come the time of the party, it's just awkward as they are now friends again but one isn't invited to the party and is incredibly hurt. The lame parent then mutters something about 'letting her child choose who to invite'. It is the parent's JOB to TEACH the children that we treasure our friends, families and also those who are frequently in our lives and treat them appropriately regardless of how they feel in some fleeting moment.

MaybeDoctor · 26/09/2018 17:38

I think there is an interesting question here around supporting other women even though some of their problems are due to a lazy DH - MH problems aside, he does sound quite lazy. Where does supporting a friend stop and enabling a CF spouse begin?

There are both MH problems and lazy spouses in my wider family, so I have some experience of this question!

Hissy · 26/09/2018 17:51

I approached it from a concern for the family's welfare as a whole.

Did you fuck op.

People who call you out for being monumentally unkind and judgemental aren’t trolls, they’re telling you what they see, and it’s not at all “attractive”

rageymcrageface · 26/09/2018 17:58

In what capacity will you be facilitating the husbands counselling?

EK36 · 26/09/2018 18:00

I don't understand some of the negative comments directed at OP?! OP is not responsible for other people's kids getting to and from school. She kindly helped out a friend for a while, until it no longer suited her. She never asked for money nor expected any! OP never said it would last until the kids left school! Her friend has a husband that doesn't work, so quite rightly, he will be taking his own children to school!! Kudos to OP.

DastardlyDoris · 26/09/2018 18:01

OP, if you want to help someone, do that.
If you don't want to help, don't.
So if you want to give the woman's kids a lift, do that. And if you don't want to, don't. Either of those things is ok.

What is not ok is taking the position that because you do someone a favour, you then have the right to publicly snipe and sneer and bitch and judge about every aspect of that person's life and you get a pass on behaving like that because you take their kids to school.

You don't.

Doing someone a favour doesn't make you a great friend when you're treating them like shit otherwise.

Also "all people who don't agree with me" is not the definition of "troll". HTH.