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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice for the OW

314 replies

babycow38 · 21/09/2018 02:32

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

OP posts:
Original poster
babycow38 · 21/09/2018 02:34

can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

OP posts:
whatshappenednow · 21/09/2018 02:40
Flowers
SD1978 · 21/09/2018 03:52

Their dad also has a place here for choosing her over his children. I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you are ok x

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2018 04:08

The situation is shitty.

But it's all him. They are his children, who he should value above everything. They aren't hers. He made promises. She didn't. Don't blame her. Blame him.

Monty27 · 21/09/2018 04:13

I have one:
You fucked up my family.
Stick him up your ass and enjoy his faults of which there are many. Or did you not believe me for 7 years while I confided in you?
She lost the plot with him and ran off with a great deal of his money. She wanted to talk to me. I don't talk to nasty people.
She always had a strange side to her. I swear she co-oreced my state of mind in order to break the marriage up.
I had adored her, and him.
He did look a sorry soul afterwards and was trying to come home. Good grief!
Ah well.
It was a fair few years ago now but I still wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

Redglitter · 21/09/2018 04:16

They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad

Maybe Dad should have thought of that before he started his affair. She didn't put a gun to his head. He chose to cheat, it's him you should be angry at,

primoestate · 21/09/2018 04:40

You should be blaming your DH. His decision to have an affair.
But I am sorry you feel so sad. Thanks

RollerJed · 21/09/2018 04:53

Can we not just let OP grieve her marriage ending without being all PC Hmm

A decent fucking human doesn't do this shit to another, dh OR ow.

PollyFlinderz · 21/09/2018 05:02

I’m in complete agreement with the poster Rollerjed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2018 05:07

It's not about being PC. It's about directing all the righteous anger in the right direction. Women who blame the OW forgive the cowardly, useless, lying scumbag who's actually to blame.

CarolDanvers · 21/09/2018 05:10

OW don’t care. The ones I have known will have heard all kinds of nitpicking nasty criticism from the prize that is the man at the centre of it all and believe that he’s a poor hard done to fellow stuck with a bore that he doesn’t love. They literally couldn’t give a shit about you or your kids and nothing you say will make them. It’s true that the husband is the one who is accountable but I known some OW who behaved in ways that were almost psychotic in the pursuit of getting their man. I’ve never really agreed with the MN party line that OW should not be blamed. They often do their bit.

RainySeptember · 21/09/2018 05:19

Oh op, I've been there and it hurts like nothing else. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Feel free to hate the ow. It's a perfectly normal response and I'm sure you've directed enough anger at your dh already. Plenty of anger to go around at this point I'm sure.

It is such a strange relationship we have with ow. We can talk to our dh, listen to his explanations and apologies, reflect on thousands of shared memories and previous kindnesses. The ow is unknown. It is rare to get an apology or explanation. You have no happy memories with her. The single thing you know about her is that she was prepared to fuck your husband, hard not to form a negative opinion in those circumstances and hate her.

Monty27 · 21/09/2018 05:22

As I have said ow had my complete trust and then turned her work round to exdh. She was good. Oh yes she was good. As good as a snake in the grass.
Yes he fell for it just as I fell for her friendship.
He committed adultery and from that moment on the marriage was over. As she knew it would be.
Still OW I still have my grown up DC's and held the family home and my career together. They are beautiful. They don't have much time for their dad and probably don't remember much about you.

I wonder if she's even still alive for some reason. She seriously didn't belong with decent people.

Sohardtochooseausername · 21/09/2018 05:24

Hurts so much doesn’t it?!

I just don’t understand what the OW in my man’s life is doing. She’s married with two kids under 5. My OH is boring, depressed, farty and leaves his boxers and socks on the floor and used tissues all over the house. She is welcome to him but doesn’t seem to want to leave her family. Funny that.

ExceptionFatale · 21/09/2018 05:24

I'm so sorry for your marriage and two children. I would hold your husband as accountable as her, both behaved atrociously.

HugeAckmansWife · 21/09/2018 09:08

FGS will people stop it with 'you should be blaming your husband'. I'm sure she is but that's another thread. There isn't a finite amount of guilt / anger / hate so that it goes on the OW instead of the cheater. I had plenty of anger for my ex but lots to spare for the vile creature that hugged my kids and then had no qualms about being a willing participant in wrecking their family. Its not either /or and even if the OW dies t know the wife, as a decent human being you 'owe' then the courtesy of not fucking their husband.

HugeAckmansWife · 21/09/2018 09:09

Sorry. Doesn't know the wife!

yetmorecrap · 21/09/2018 10:05

These women that ingratiate themselves with other people’s husbands, and yet are ‘friends’ with the wife!! For many years I didn’t bother making female friends simply because of this kind of stuff. I have been out with my husband in a group and they have been with partners too and because he is pretty good for his age, interesting job, nice voice etc , I have seen some of these middle aged women looking like lions finding prey , laugh too much, twiddle hair, you can see it in their faces. So much for ‘sisterhood’ !! consequently I am really fussy about close friends. When affairs happen, yes the main anger must be to partners, but if there wasn’t a ready supply of men and women with piss poor morals then there would be far more honest ‘leaving ‘

IrianOfW · 21/09/2018 10:09

Agree with huge. Just let her rant and point her anger it whatever direction she wants just now. There are many paths to healing and you don't get to dictate which one anyone chooses. It is perfectly possible to be angry with both parties and IMO BOTH deserve it.

purplelass · 21/09/2018 10:32

3 years ago the OW (who had actually met us together as a family!) got what she wanted - my ExH.

I am now a happily independent single mum with a happily independent teenage daughter. We realise now we would never be this happy if he'd stayed (he was a bit of a narcissistic twat)

ExH + OW are still together but it sounds pretty rocky. DD + I definitely got the best deal.

Keep your chin up - the future is yours to shape the best way you can. Good luck Flowers

FrancesDestroyed · 21/09/2018 10:50

OW was sexting my H whilst she was on her honeymoon. She's left her H and is now living with another bloke.
OW, I hope you die screaming.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 21/09/2018 10:58

Advice for OW from me;
Not sure what shit he has spun you
I made mistakes but so did he
The charming persona you are seeing now will wear off and you will see the one-dimensional person he really is
If he can walk away from 20 plus years, 2 DC and a charmed life so easily, he can walk away from a fling
You are not that special - a relationship built on lies will fester inside you and come out in the end
You cannot trust him

I am not excusing H's role in the affair - I don't "blame" the OW as such as she could be anyone he decided to turn on the charm with - she is but a fool whereas he is a deceitful, lying cheat.

SandyY2K · 21/09/2018 13:07

It's really not about the OW. The husband and father chose to betray his wife and didn't care about his wedding vows.

That's not to say I believe the OW is blameless.... but if a father doesn't care enough to risk the safety and comfort in a family his children...his flesh and blood.. who share 50% of his DNA ..why would you expect an OW to?

HugeAckmansWife · 21/09/2018 13:34

Sandy we already covered that up thread.. Why would we expect a person to not shit all over someone else's life, family, hopes, future? How about because we expect and hope people not to be selfish arseholes..or do we only have to give consideration to those we know personally? As a member of a society there are certain basic expectations and I think the OP and all of us who have experienced this are entitled to feel disappointed and angry that anyone, known to us or not could help to inflict this level of damage. If it was physical damage to the same degree they would be in prison for GBH.

CottonTailRabbit · 21/09/2018 13:40

Usually men looking for affairs start by telling the prospective OW about how awful the wife is, how he's not happy, never has been really, she doesn't understand him, he only stays for the children, she's mentally unwell and might kill herself if he leaves, they haven't had sex in years, etc etc. She probably thinks she's rescuing him from you.