Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

the ow only wants what she wants. I have met women like it. these women they want their shag whoever it is married or not. They are as bad as the husband, it takes two to tango.

Dear OW
You sad, desperate, insecure, pathetic excuse for a woman. He's all yours along with all his many faults not the least of which are a lying, cowardly, disrespectful, deceitful personality. Do you honestly think that he won't do to you what he has done with you? You're delusional, the way you get em is the way you lose em.
I'm off to live an amazing life without a scumbag dragging me down.
Regards,
The winner in this horrid little game of yours.

Yes RivanQueen

Yep, exactly that RivanQueen (are you a David Eddings fan by any chance)?

Dear OW, I’m certain that you’re not aware that he used your car last week to attempt to take a sick child from School with no medication. Where did he tell you he was going? He’s probably also drinking behind your back and probably hates the fact you’re controlling him financially... welcome to him and all his lying, cheating glory as I’m nearly rid of the fucker and I’m so much happier 😀

Whilst I do sympathise, (I’ve been there too!) your anger is directed at the wrong person. If your ‘D’H had a wonderful life with you then he wouldn’t have cheated unless he’s a selfish entitled twat! You deserve better!
I don’t mean to sound as if I’m being rude but I’m fed up of seeing posts that excuse cheating husbands and blame OW which as someone else pointed out are probably being told how miserable their marriage is. My ex told the OW all sorts of shit about how awful his marriage was (it was all bullshit!) The OW didn’t make any vows to you, whilst I’m not excusing her actions, it’s not her you should be blaming!

The OP can be angry at whoever she wants, she has nothing invested in the OW, so it's natural to direct anger at her. Stop trying to control where the OP chooses to focus her anger.

I've been on both sides of this. I was the ow (he wasn't married and there were no kids involved). I had just left an abusive relationship and was incredibly vulnerable, he preyed on me and pursued me. It not an excuse though and I knew what I was doing and take responsibility. It is the only thing I truly regret in my life. His gf was lovely and he treated her like shit, cheated on her multiple times before me and after me and eventually dumped her for her friend who he had also been cheating on her with. You see the calibre of the man.

I also found out earlier this year that DP was having an emotional affair with his (abusive) ex-fiancé, that started before our son was born. The pain, rage and grief I felt were indescrible. I am still reeling from it now. I blame DP for it but I also blame her. She knew all about me, my pregnancy and our son and still thought it was ok to sext him two weeks after DS was born. Karma I guess.

I'm sorry OP, you deserve so much better and it will come. Stay strong xx

"your anger is directed at the wrong person"

I'm sure there's been plenty of anger directed at her dh too.

You are in your right to blame both parties but really your anger needs to be more aimed at your ex husband. No one forced him to stray, he wasn't thinking of his children then but then again you can't stay with someone just because you have children if you aren't happy.

I think OP's anger is about her daughters who are affected by this as their father has distanced himself .

OP you need to know that this is OFTEN the case with men regardless of who or what the OW says . THEY do it - the HUSBANDS - because they compartmentalise their lives and yes probably do feel somewhat guilty about what has happened . They become distant from their children . This is your husband's doing and choosing . He has chosen this new woman over his daughters . This shows you what kind of man he is . I'm sorry to say it but you thought you had a "lovely life " - he obviously wanted a bit more . You are better off without this man .

She didn't make him ruin his family - HE did. You need to stop blaming her and blame him. I know, I've been in exactly your position. And I know - it's his choice to do what he did, she didn't force him to betray his family. You need to stop blaming the OW and take a good hard look at the man in this picture.

Why can’t both parties be blamed? Why are people saying only DH should be the only one on the rack? Yes, DH is the one who made the vows and has the DW, but I personally would rather stick pins in my eyes than take up with someone already in a serious relationship. It’s all about morals and boundaries, and I’m afraid someone who is happy to get into a relationship with a married man has a zero moral compass, and should be equally to blame as the DH.

FFS
Of course blame goes to the husband too.
But wake up people, woman can be predators.
So this one is for my BEST friend to the ow:

You though his wife didn't love him - she did.
You thought he didn't love her - he did.
You thought he'd get over her - he wouldn't.
You thought they weren't having sex - ha.
You thought because your friend ship with him never moved into a physical relationship you weren't the ow - oh please ............
You were always in the 'friend ' zone but STILL persisted.
You thought he was as miserable in his marriage as you were in yours.
You left your marriage - you thought he'd leave his - he didn't ha.
And you still persisted.
(Don't you ever pay attention?)
You were delusional.
You thought he was your best friend - he wasn't.
Did you ever look any further than the end of your nose?
Well none of this matters now.
They rebuilt their marriage from the ground up and its stronger
Than ever.
I understand since that plan failed you have had 2 more men in 2 years.
(Hope they weren't married. )
Doesn't seem to be working out too well does it?
So my advise would be :
Take Long Hard Look in the Mirror!!!
(But you won't )

I'm baffled by the advice to blame the husband rather than the ow.

Isn't it rather obvious that the lion's share of the blame goes to the husband? But your husband lives in your house (for now). You get to be angry with him, sob in front of him, tell him all the home truths and, if you're lucky, get some answers to the questions that are tearing you apart.

You then rebuild something, either together or apart, for the children. You reflect on all the happy years and weigh them against what he has done.

The ow is an unknown quantity. You don't get any sort of closure there. You don't get to scream at her, or make her understand your pain, or have a single happy shared experience to cling on to.

That's why women post on here in bewilderment about ow, asking all the questions they'll never get to ask in person.

Saying 'your dh did this to you' ad nauseum is pointless. They already fucking know. But they can handle him, hear his point of view, come to an understanding of sorts. The questions rattling around in your head about ow and her motives will never be answered.

OP I'm sorry you're hurting.

My only advice to the OW would be "use condoms".

My post is not to the OW, but to the woman my stbxh met conveniently quickly after our relationship ended.

Love, according to him you are just out of an abusive relationship yourself. Him not telling you why we are no longer together is a massive red flag.

For a long time I blamed OW. I raged to anyone who would listen that I couldn’t understand how a woman could do that to a fellow woman. How a mother could do that to children. Then I blamed him for destroying our marriage, my trust, my Children’s faith in relationships. Next I realised that not only was she the OW, he was also the OM!
They were both cheats, both untrustworthy as partners and parents!
Four years on, they have each lost far more than they gained, although married now, each of them are married to a cheat who could do the same to them at any point! How destroying must that be to them both. They will never truly trust each other as their XP’s trusted them! They will always have that niggle, that voice on their shoulder saying if Y can do it to them after 27/31 years, they can always do it to me!
So what would I say to the OW/XP? I’d say. “ you’ve got everything you deserved and more!”

I’m absolutely amazed at the posts on here suggesting that an OW is some sort of predator and the H had no control over his actions. As for the smugness and rebuilding a better marriage comments... a cheating husband is no prize! All this is doing is showing him that he can shag around and that you’ll forgive him regardless. Anyone who thinks they can build a better marriage after cheating is deluded! Yes you are entitled to be angry at the OW but she is likely to have been told how unhappy the marriage is, how he wants to leave, how there is no sex etc. This may not be true but you only have to look on MN to see that there are many people trapped in unhappy sexless marriages. There aren’t many women who would shag a man who was happily married and told her how much he loved his wife! The person the anger should be directed at in these cases is the cheating H because they are the person who has betrayed you.
As I said previously, I am speaking from experience. I’m ashamed to say now that I believed his stories about how the OW chased him, convinced him that I didn’t love him etc and I hated her. I did this because I didn’t want to believe the truth at the time. It took me 5 years to realise that I deserved better, 5 years of worrying who he’s out with, if he’s really working late, if he’s shagging that woman from work he keeps mentioning and if I was more attentive or slimmer that he wouldn’t have cheated etc. You never get the trust back, it’s awful and absolutely destroys your self esteem. I finally realised that I deserved better but even 3 years later I’m still not ready to have another relationship. The bottom line is that if someone really is happy in their marriage and truly loves you then they wouldn’t cheat on you. Anyone who has been cheated on deserves better. My only regret was not realising this and getting out at the time!

I know an OW who is now the wife and he has cheated on her before they got married and he has cheated on her since getting married . She created a vacancy indeed . He is the common denominator .

The OW knew me before she met the exh. She was married, pissed off and wanted more money and excitement. She decided she wanted my life so moved in on it. It was then I found out I was married to a covert narc who had told two of our mutual friends that he was only staying "because I was better than nothing".

The pair of them drove me into severe clinical depression and her exh to a breakdown. They were both as bad as each other and ultimately they will never be able to trust each other, which I think is what they deserve.

I understand people feeling angry towards the OW but it's statements like "she ruined our family" etc that aren't true. The husband did that. And I strongly believe that in a lot of cases like this if it hadn't been her it would have been a different woman.

People leave because they are unhappy in some way, married or not. Just because you are married doesn't mean you are 'locked' to each other exclusively. Vows are broken everyday of the marriage 'you shall love and respect each other' my H didnt respect me when he was out getting pissed all the time leaving me with our kids!!! So it was no wonder I got fed up and left him! 15 yrs lost and those hopes and dreams gone. Yea it hurts hes got a new family now because that used to be me, but I'm ok.

Surely your husband is fully to blame here? OW may not even know you all exist. Don't know why the mistress always gets slated and the men just get away with it!

Why do people lay so much blame on the OW?. It's the husbands/partners that deceive. I know it must be hard to accept your husband looked elsewhere, but he did. Level the blame where it really lies. With him.

Why would another woman care about your kids when their own father didn't?

"My" OW was someone who I had thought was a friend and confidante. So a double betrayal for me.

I haven't spoken to her since discovery, and don't want to. Though part of me simply wants to ask 'how could you?'

And 'if you wreck the lives of my DC, who you professed to care about, what are you prepared to do to DC in general?'