Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

Marple?

But I don't think people necessarily want to leave their DP for their AP... that's not always the reason for the affair...

When the affair is discovered the impact might be that the marriage is damaged or over, but it doesn't mean that was the intention of the OW all along to destroy it.

I'm aware that while I have no interest in ending either of our relationships and couldnt imagine being in a serious relationship with my AP, the things we are doing - if discovered - could lead our partners to draw that conclusion.

Hi op. Survivinginfidelity is a great website for venting and healing. People aren’t allowed to push the ‘OW aren’t to blame’ agenda

That sounds great (not). Shutting down advice to place the responsibility and the focus where it belongs won't help with healing in the slightest. Telling people what they want to hear isn't kindness.

I'm not having an affair before you all pile on. But I have recently said no to an affair. My reasons for this are a) I am not prepared to risk the likely pain to myself and b) I do not want to cause pain (or be seen to cause pain) to others. I don't want the emotional turmoil for myself if he does not leave and it doesn't work out; nor can I cope with the judgement and fallout if he does.

So I've said no and I won't change my mind. But walking away has been a painful experience. The man in question is someone I would leap at a relationship with if he were single.

However if you're looking for insight into why a woman might go there, I can probably provide some. If I had decided to go there with this bloke (and I am no saint - in another time and place I might have) it would have been because I prioritised my own chance at happiness over and above the happiness of a woman I have never met. Plain and simple.

Makes sense doesn't it? That someone might care more about themselves than a stranger? For me that would be it. I wouldn't feel I owed her nothing necessarily. I would think she is a real person that has given the best years of her life to this man and brought up his children. That is, and would be, meaningful to me. However, my chance at happy ever after with a man I loved would mean more.

As it is I haven't the stomach for it all. If he leaves first then we could begin a relationship. But I won't have an affair, emotional or physical. I haven't had contact with him in weeks. It's getting easier.

I hadn't thought about exit affairs in those terms before. When i was desperate to get out of my marriage i used to wish my H would have an affair. Looking back (many years) i think I wanted something concrete to point to as a reason. The real reason the marriage failed is because we married very much in haste and i was scared of forging a career for myself after university. It was very hard to admit that, even to myself, and an affair on his part would have made me look less of an impetuous fool.

I'd like to kick her in jack n danny.
But then I'm only a few days in!

@properjob that’s interesting what you say about envying women who have loving fathers. I definitely do too - my dm is a bit difficult and very unsupportive so I really wish I had a mothers like some of my friends too. My mother still needs parenting - she was always like that really. I broke broke up with my ex too, in fact I always sort of kept him at arms length. I think that’s because my parents spent years together when obviously very unhappy and I was scared I’d end up like that. I would like my dcs to have better grandparents too but I have to accept that they have what they have. Sorry about your fathers illness and hope you get through the divorce and it makes you stronger.

Thank you Zsazsa...unusually there are no A s in our breakup just a long history of some basic incompatibility...it's civil, could be a lot worse. Good thread thanks all

Thank you for all your messages! Lots of differing views, I would like this thread to be closed now. I initially posted because I wanted to vent, have a bit of the anger I felt towards the OW out there. It's been a bit more than that but I understand. We all come to MN with different opinions, I appreciate every one who's posted, thank you x

I'm sorry to say this but people cannot help how they feel - and I am not saying that to justify the actions of husband OR the other women - more to acknowledge that there is so little in life that we can control, including how another person feels about us.

I had my heart broken and it was the single most painful experience of my life. Worse than grief. But honestly once I understood that^^
it got a little easier. I didn't blame myself, or him, or her. It just 'was'.

I am sorry they hurt you. And I hope that you can find peace and let it go.

Just out of interest having read what MissMarple is going through on her thread, it is clear that the OW doesn't even want the AP as she is now fighting for her marriage.

What would be the motivation for her having an affair in the first place? The thrill, excitement, sex with a different person, attention, sexting that got out of hand?

rich I think there have been a million of "why did you have an affair" threads... The truth is that as far as I know most people do it for the thrill and most people will try to fix their primary relationships

Maybe it is the thrill.
Tv and media would have us believe that.
But sometimes it's just out of loneliness.
Still wrong.
Usually ends in tears.
No one wins.