Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

The bottom line is that if someone really is happy in their marriage and truly loves you then they wouldn’t cheat on you. Anyone who has been cheated on deserves better. My only regret was not realising this and getting out at the time!

So on the one hand all cheaters are just people who are unhappy in their marriage and no longer truly love their spouse.
To be fair no one should have to live like that.
But even in that state, marriages can and do , recover.
But throw in an ow who sees an opportunity to
A support the person to work on the marriage
Or B agreed his wife is s bitch (who the ow has not met )
I'd go myself for A

Now a 'predator' type woman would go for B
That's a woman that makes the first move.
A woman who continuously contacts the om.
With this kind of relentless purse how long would any un happy spouse hold out ?
Emotional or otherwise!?
Remember we agreed the husband should be blamed too but the ow must take her blame too.
Most women would think he's
married - end of.
But ow chooses to ignore this.
On that fact alone, she is then trying to break up a marriage.
If this has happened to anyone it is ok to me mad at Ow as well as the husband.
Completely healthy.
Feel it.
Deal with it - and move on.
And yes solid marriages can be built from this.
I've seen it.
Rant over.

Agree with weemcbeestie's sentiments here.
Men will lie, cheat and spin any kind of story to OW, I don't know one woman who has ever willingly went into an affair with a man knowing the truth.
What they believe they are doing is rescuing a downtrodden, depressed, sex starved, workhorse, all his words of course.
However, it is only natural to feel angry with OW.

All very true Top.
But the ow can still say 'no'
They can still choose to question the 'lies'
Along the lines of
if you're so good and your wife is so 'bad' how come you're not separated amicably and living a healthy life ?

But they don't.
Any decent women would just walk away.

, I don't know one woman who has ever willingly went into an affair with a man knowing the truth.

Oh I do. Far more often than not. I worked in a very male dominated industry and the women who worked there got a LOT of attention. It was all very recreational, no one was taking extra marital affairs all that seriously and they knew exactly what they were getting in to.

I wouldn't want to be married to a man who was faithful only because of a lack of opportunity.

Thanks Carol.
It happens.

I wouldn't want to be married to a man who was faithful only because of a lack of opportunity.

There is always opportunity.
Especially with today's technology.
But if a marriage is going through a rough patch, and sad
As it is anyone could be tempted.
But when a woman is deliberately making a play for someone husband it really doesn't help the marriage.
And she deserves (along with the husband ) her portion of the
Blame.
But this thread is advise you'd give the ow.
Not how not blaming her but pilling it all on hubby.
My advise to ow would be
'Get your own life'
'You're not having my best friend's life , her husband, her house etc.
If he really loved you he'd leave his wife. But it wont because he doesn't '

My advice for the OW? Congratulation! You Win!!

And your prize is..... A man you know for sure is a liar and a cheat. YAY!!!!

But when a woman is deliberately making a play for someone husband it really doesn't help the marriage.

Of course not. Only the man can help his marriage in those circumstances. He's 100% responsible.

You cannot steal people unless you forcibly kidnap them. Luring them is not stealing. They choose where they go.

Sounds like there might be a few OW posting on this thread...from the daughter of a broken marriage involving one particularly predatory, selfish and reckless OW, you can plead that you've got no duty to the family you're destroying until you're blue in the face but you're still a scumbag.

Sounds like there might be a few OW posting on this thread...from the daughter of a broken marriage involving one particularly predatory, selfish and reckless OW, you can plead that you've got no duty to the family you're destroying until you're blue in the face but you're still a scumbag.
This didn't occur to me Tilly.

My best friend forgave her husband for the 'friendship ' with ow.
Even felt sorry for the way her dh had led the ow on.
(Best friend was going through major problems and dh was very depressed)
The ow chased him relentlessly
When he was at his most vulnerable.
She didn't help him with his problems- she just tried and failed to snare him....,
And this was a well educate woman.
The most stupidest clever person I know .
And they have a great Marriage.
But it took hard work and tons of time.

There are often threads where an OP discovers her husband or partner on a dating or hookup site, and when confronted he swears that he didn't actually meet anyone. Rarely do people respond by saying that, if true, this makes it OK.

The intent is what matters. Whether or not someone else is available to fulfil the intent doesn't really matter in that regard. Of course it is shitty and dishonourable to sleep with a married person but when you make a personal pledge to someone, that pledge is yours and you can't blame someone else when you broke it.

Tilly and Robin, I'm sorry for your obvious pain; it's really colouring your objectivity. You keep on and on about 'predatory' women. Do you really think there is a woman beautiful enough, powerful enough, desirable enough to 'steal' a husband who is faithful? Who values his marriage and love his wife above all others?

No, there isn't. Your posts actually make a mockery of that fact. There are plenty of men who do not cheat - plenty of women who do not cheat. I'm sorry that your husbands didn't care enough about their families and about you to not engage in cheating behaviour. As Ayn has already posted, you cannot steal another person.

I was an OW many years ago when I was young and stupid. What of it? I was selfish, oblivious and objectionable and I owe his wife an apology if anybody, I don't owe it to you, your own husbands do.

I cringe at the posts acknowledging that the husbands were in the wrong, BUT, but, but... they love him, he talks to them, he still lives at home, is a great husband and father... blah blah blah. If he were all that and it were actually true, this thread would be tumbleweed.

I feel genuinely sorry for any posters who've gone through this, and particularly the posters who have experienced double-betrayal with their spouse cheating with their best friend. I've experienced my own partner cheating on me and whilst we're now friends, I couldn't and wouldn't try to save the relationship, what would have been the point?

If you decide to make a go of it with the person who promised to love and be faithful to you - and then demonstrated that they are unable and/or unwilling to keep it, that's up to you. He owes you everything. I suspect that the anger on this thread when that's pointed out is because you know that to be true.

Well said ‘Lyingwitch’!
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. They’re defensive because they know deep down that their marriages aren’t that happy! A few of my male friends are cheating or have cheated on their wives, when I ask them why, without exception they all say that they aren’t in love with their wives but that it’s not bad enough to leave. I don’t condone this in any way but the fact is that happily married men don’t cheat regardless of being chased etc. This and my previous experience with my EXH are precisely the reason why cheating is a non negotiable for me. I don’t care what the circumstances are if someone cheats on me regardless of how happy I think we are or how much I love him, it’s over - simple!

It's not about being beautiful enough.
They usually aren't
It's the fact they think they have the right to take what's not theirs.
My husband did not cheat.
There plenty of ordinary women who chase men.
You know this.
I just am very passionate about the injustice of the ow.
Poor ow just couldn't help themselves. Let's put all the blame on the unscrupulous, womanising husband. He's the evil one. Ha

That's the rub I suppose the ow can release all responsibility and carry on in her own sweet way.

IMO the betrayed spouse so vehemently blames the other woman & paints her as a predatory harlot because it makes it easier to forgive the 'D'H if they can convince themselves that he wasn't in control of his own actions.

I agree with PP's that a man can't be stolen & if he goes he goes willingly... if he wasn't interested in cheating the OW could be sprawled naked in front of him begging him to sleep with her & he would walk away - a woman cannot make a man cheat on his wife if he doesn't want to in the first place - it's not a mistake or that he has been led astray it's that he has made a conscious decision to do so.

Personally I'd tell him to go fuck himself whether I was the wife or (what he thinks will be) a potential OW... unfortunately it's a fact of life that not all women would.

Lying Witch - my objectivity is perfectly fine, I was the daughter and I think my dad's actions were reprehensible too, as he was the husband and father and as many people have said, had much more of a responsibility to us than she did. I'm glad you've been able to excuse your own behaviour as just being 'young and stupid' and all circumstances are different. I hope your actions (and those of the other party involved) didn't cause lasting damage. It certainly sounds as if the effects of this particular situation on the OP and her daughter are extremely painful and she is more than entitled to vent that pain against somebody that has had no regard for her or her daughter.

Robin - Read the posts! Nobody is saying that OW aren’t at fault too! Of course they are but the majority of the blame lies with the cheating H! He’s the one who made the vows! It’s the posters who obviously believe that ‘their poor husbands were forced into cheating on them and they wouldn’t have done it if those evil predators hadn’t made them’ that worry me. If a DW believes this then she only has herself to blame when they cheat again, which they will do as they’ve been given a green light!

WeeMc
All I can say is that's very cynical.
I pointed out that if these ow's said.
'You're married . Come back when you are divorced '
There would be no cheating.
Seems obvious to me.
That's what I would have said.
But what do I know?

Robin, I do know that predatory men and women get NOWHERE if their 'prey' is not interested.

You talk about people as if they're possessions. They aren't. They are not yours and people cannot take them away from you because you don't have them in the first place.

You only truly have someone when they choose to be with you and only you. They make that choice and it has nothing to do with wedding rings but everything to do with the fact that they've elected to be with you and nobody else.

That post is genderless, applies to men and women alike.

Tilly, I don't need to post my 'baggage' on here and I choose not to. I've been honest as far as I'm prepared to be. I was young and foolish and I can use that as a distinction between then and now because I wouldn't repeat that behaviour again.

People post here knowing (and generally accepting) that other people have different views and experiences. Your view is that of a child with a dad who cheated on his marriage. He may well have been a lousy husband but that didn't excuse him if he was a good dad. It doesn't sound as if he was and that, in my opinion, is a far worse 'crime'. He had responsibility to you as a father, not as a husband and his marriage is not your business, it was your mother's. I'm not saying that to hurt you, just that you are now applying adult logic to something you experienced as a child when it was your parents' job to protect you from this; your dad let you down.

Mine too, different situation as mine was a gambler and we nearly lost the house. Equally stressful.

As far is the OP is concerned, nobody has said that the OW is blameless, nobody has said that at all or even implied it. What they have said is that it was her husband who made all that possible, brought the pain home because he couldn't be faithful. That is true.

It's ridiculous to make OW the custodian of somebody else's marriage; it's the husband's (or wife's, in same scenario) job to guard and protect their own marriage and family.

Totally agree LyingWitch!
Robin, I’m speaking from experience and looking back on my marriage objectively. It wasn’t as happy as I claimed and my EXH did go on to cheat again. I also found out afterwards that he’d cheated a few times before. I blame him not these women who were being fed a load of bullshit! Yes of course the women should tell him to ‘go away and come back when you’re no longer married’ but how does that excuse him attempting to cheat in the first place? Are you suggesting that men can’t help themselves?

*meant it wouldn't excuse him if he were a bad father.

He could still have been a good father to you and there's no excuse for his behaviour if he wasn't.

Dear OW,
My husband made a beeline for you across a crowded room because you were 'happy and bubbly'. Unlike me, who had been on antidepressants for years, crippled by anxiety and depression.
You were married too, and apparently loved your husband with no intention of leaving him.
Instead, you spent 6 months shagging my husband before I found out. I desperately wanted to hold my marriage together as we had 4DCs and the thought of blowing their world apart was something that was abhorrent to me.
My husband left anyway, despite claiming to have finished it with you.
Almost 2yrs on, I very much suspect he is still shagging you on the occasions you can sneak away from your poor, unsuspecting husband.
You are welcome to him. He looks a mess, has aged unbelievably. I know he misses spending time with his children - although he does still see them regularly - he is in debt up to his neck as our divorce has been financially crippling for him. I, on the other hand, am about to move out of the family home into a mortgage free house of my own. I have secured an excellent maintenance package from him. I have a new job, new friends and a life I could never have had with him. He refused to go on holidays, we now go twice a year. My children, unfortunately, haven't come through this unscathed and I will never forgive either of you for that.
Most importantly, I came off the antidepressants straight after he left. Despite a drawn-out divorce, grieving over my lost future, the stress of everything - I am 100 times mentally more sorted than I ever was during my marriage. I wonder why that is?
In short, should you ever leave your husband for my ex - you are very welcome to him. You both did me a favour.

I am very tired of reading about the debate regarding DH vs OW, where the blame should rightfully lie, and whether it should be one or the other. Or who gets the most blame.

So yes, let’s take gender out of it altogether. How about, “I was in relationship with a person and that person chose to lie to me and start a sexual relationship with another person, who made a decision to engage in that relationship.”

I do not care if the affair partner was spun a yarn or not. If that person knew the other person was already in a relationship, as nebulous on paper as it may appear to be, then they are still making that choice for themselves and should be accountable for it.

I also seriously debate the “If that person was really happy in the marriage”. Chances are if a relationship is unhappy there is no one person to blame there. Look in the mirror first, take ownership of your own goddamn happiness and stop blaming everyone else for your shitty behavior/situation.

Or have an affair I guess.

Good for you Carrie!
My EXH got very little money from the divorce because he ran up a lot of debt and he’s now married to the OW and is living in her mother’s house! I hear things aren’t great! He has a bad relationship with his daughters too. Whereas I bought a lovely brand new house last year all on my own and I’m very close to my daughters. Things are tight but I’m happy. I also feel that they did me a massive favour!