Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

I have actually never seen an OW truly get off scot free, if I'm honest. They all seem to suffer one way or another. OM, on the other hand...

But misdirecting blame is not going to help anyone, except maybe a cheating spouse who's trying to avoid consequences. If Dave makes a promise, you can't chase Gemma for it.

I think OP is entitled to place blame and anger wherever she feels it belongs. I have known so many women and a number of "friends" who have tried it on with my previous partners / husband and sneekily flirted. Believe me, there are a lot of bitches out there who only think of themselves. I am very careful who I choose as close friends these days. I've even had women try to befriend me to get closer to DH. He's a very good looking man and quite naive when it comes to picking up signals from these predators!

Oh dear more of the boring the Big Bad OW has stolen my poor unsuspecting DH rhetoric again.

It's totally possible to both blame your DH/STBX full squarely, and think the OW has the morals of an alley at. It's not either/or.

And yes, being an OW (when you know he's married) is a shitty thing to do. Doesn't matter that he's way shittier, it's still shit.

Well obviously nobody can stop anyone from blaming whoever they want. And it's completely human and understandable. But I always think of my friend, wasting all that time and emotional energy on "that bitch", making her a part of her marriage when she simply was not. And, of course, the simple fact that if a competent adult makes a promise, nobody else is responsible for upholding it. That's just basic.

We're still getting the "she tempted him" stuff in this thread, we always do in these threads. It's biblical.

Doesn't matter that he's way shittier, it's still shit.

No, it matters ENORMOUSLY that he's way shittier! It matters hugely! It's the entire point! How do people not see this??

Fuck off ivegotasecret. Did you read op? She's hurting. She can be angry at whoever she wants to feel angry at.

Nobody's saying what you think they're saying, but go ahead and defend people behaving indefensibly. I personally think your concerns might be misplaced.

"How do people not see this??"

Because it's ridiculous. He's to blame, she's still a dickhead.

Because it's ridiculous. He's to blame, she's still a dickhead.

But you've got someone here literally saying that it doesn't matter that he's shittier! It does! It matters more than anything else! It's the key and crucial point!

When you say "it doesn't matter that he's shittier, she's still a shit", you are focusing emphasis on the OW - i.e., blaming the woman for the man's indiscretion. You (generic you) are still trying to find ways to make sure the woman gets a disproportionate share of the blame, even though the only person responsible for a personal pledge is clearly the person who made it! You think that as long as you give a bit of lip service to him, you can still make the point you really want to make - that SHE'S A SLUT!

It's 2018 and we are STILL DOING THIS!

I'm not trivialising the pain and devastation of affairs, not for one second. But it isn't respectful, or in any way helpful, to that pain and devastation to misdirect blame for it. It doesn't help people to make decisions if they're still trying to find ways of focusing on blaming the woman, or at least the person who's not in the marriage. It doesn't help the healing process. It doesn't help the shitty misogyny of society which, as we've seen upthread, can see both wives and OW blamed when a man starts tomcatting around. We think we don't do this any more, we do it all the frigging time.

You can hate the OW, sure. You can think she's a complete bitch, chances are you're right. But you simply cannot make her responsible for your husband's vows. He made a pledge to you, so when he breaks it, focus on HIM.

You just cannot make everyone the guardians of other people's marriages.

Nobody has yet answered my question about the husband who propositions 50 women and remains faithful only because they all say no. Is that marriage OK?

I'll answer you, Ayn. No, that marriage is in trouble because the man in question is faithful only by default, nobody else wants him. If one of those women would say 'yes' to his proposition, he'd be off like a shit.

It's sad though that some women will continue to herald such a man as some sort of paragon when the reality is anything but.

God you're pedantic, labouring the same bloody point, to what end, no one is disagreeing really.

The married man is entirely to blame. Of course he is. Who wants a man who's only faithful because every woman he approaches says no?

It's his fault. Every married woman on the wrong end of an affair knows that.

It doesn't stop us having a very low opinion of a woman who happily fucks a cheating shitbag. Who pretends to believe his lies. Who competes with a wife who doesn't know she's competing. Who bags him to leave his wife and drips poison in his ear. Who never faces consequences for her bad behaviour and may in fact be quite cruel should she eventually 'win' her man.

My father had an affair when I was a child and left to be with the ow. My mother relentlessly blamed the ow. It was ridiculous. I couldn’t care less about the ow, but I will always be sad that my father didn’t make even the slightest effort to maintain a relationship with me and my siblings. I couldn’t now nor ever have given a toss about the ow.

All this stuff about ow tempting men away is rubbish. If the men are cheating and being bad parents, it’s on them. Stop making excuses for them.

Also it’s toxic for the children. If a man can’t step up and be a father it’s not his new partners fault. It’s his.

All this freaky stuff about women competing for men is sad. If he’s cheating no one is winning.

Tbh I don’t have any opinion of my fathers new partner (well not new now) gloomy. I don Know her, have never met her. I have plenty opinions about my father though.

"All this stuff about ow tempting men away is rubbish."

I'm not sure anyone has said that or believes it.

There are certainly predatory women who think nothing of targeting married men. There was a thread on here some months ago where a poster came on and said she targeted married men because they didn't make any demands of her. There are women who see attracting a mm as a bit of a challenge. Surely we all know someone like that? I know I do.

The mm is the cheater and entirely to blame. He should be able to walk away, ignore, remain faithful. But to defend poor ow, as blameless, is stretching it. Something that only happens on mn thankfully, like voting libdem.

And of course predatory men too, actively looking for an insecure gullible woman so desperate for male attention that she doesn't stop to ask herself whether a married cheater is really worth having.

MM to blame, aided and abetted by women either too unethical or too stupid to say no.

Gloomy - that post about “predatory” women “targeting” married men is exactly the same concept though. The woman is the predator tempting away the innocent man.

It’s not a nice thing to have an affair to put it mildly (I have never had one nor do I think I have ever been cheated on). I have to wonder though what sort of person doesn’t see their own children or make an effort to parent. Is it really another women’s fault? Or was he always a shitbag and exw just saw what she wanted to see when they were together?

No, some women are predatory, any man who falls for it is completely to blame for devastating his family.

I don't know how many times it can be said. The married person is always to blame for hurting their spouse and kids.

OW is still a scumbag.

What is the proof for the “some women are predatory” argument? Are people who ask for a payrise predatory? Are people who buy things on sale in a shop predatory? Is predatory another way of saying “assertive and with buying power”? Because thats it, reality isn’t it. Your DH put himself in a shop for sale. Thats the real problem. The fact the shop has customers, like shops do, isnt the problem. What does “predatory” mean?

this isnt the talahari desert and your man is not a gazelle and this woman is not a cheetah. if you really think women are predatory and that a chance meeting between a predator and a victim is all the scenario that needs to happen before your entire life is ruined- why on earth would you sit calmly in the desert putting all your eggs in one marriage basket, and wait for “your gazelle” to be preyed upon? Why wouldnt you move your gazelle out of the desert and into a safer predator free space? Oh, wait. Because that metaphor is bollocks.
what you have to face is that there wasnt a predatory magic woman. your gazelle has a neon sign above his head saying all cheetahs/cheaters come get me baby.

The married person is always to blame for hurting their spouse and kids

OW is still a scumbag

Exactly.

This nonsense that because you're angry with the cheating husband, you somehow can't be angry at the OW too.

So women who sneak around with married men will get a 'cheating pass' as they're single so it's all ok.

Too many people cherry-pick sexism. Can you imagine the anger if a single man were sleeping around with married women? There's no way he'd get a pass. It wouldn't be 'ok' because he's not wearing a ring he'd be the sleaziest bastard ever.

DP is attractive and women will hit on him, even trying sly ways to do it when I'm present. Luckily we can joke about it. I cringe for these idiots. DP could be a horrible man for all they know but hey, he's attractive and that's enough. Shallow as fuck.

The fact that most women judging by this thread will unkindly lecture a woman who's been cheated on that she cannot also feel angry about the woman her H is fucking, says it all in terms of what's deemed ok. They know she's hurting and the last thing she wants to hear is that OW must ever be deemed totally blameless, yet they just have to stick the boot in when a woman's down.

Married men inclined to cheat have no problem finding willing women.

Both are scum, no matter that the H is worse. Neither deserve a pass.

Oh yes. The other woman has been seduced of course!
I know how the harriden seduced my very exdh. She was evil in court.
I had adored her and considered her a best friend. It was awful. long story. And no I can't spell harriden

The fact that most women judging by this thread will unkindly lecture a woman who's been cheated on that she cannot also feel angry about the woman her H is fucking, says it all in terms of what's deemed ok. They know she's hurting and the last thing she wants to hear is that OW must ever be deemed totally blameless, yet they just have to stick the boot in when a woman's down.*

Thank you mistress Dee
I found some of the comments very hurtful.
That a well educated woman could pursue my best friends husband the way she did , was a shocking eye opener.
Another friend lost her husband
To her 'best' friend after this saner 'friend ' had lost her own husband to an ow.
Unbelievable.
Both men ended up sobbing for their wives in the end.
The men never want these ow's.
It only a distraction .
Very few drive off into the sunset together.
All that pain.
For what?
( please don't give me any success stories. Even I know some. )

Sorry bold failed.
First paragraph see last post.

I actually dont know how one woman could to that to another woman who is married with DC.

When one of my friends got wind of a ow trying it on with her 'oblivious ' husband she went straight round for a 'word' no messing.
This potential ow was squirming like crazy. Worried she was going to get floored.
They know there're in the wrong. Cowards.