Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

I think they call it karma Wee 😂

Don't get me wrong, it's still hurts like hell when I think of the deception and the shattering of what I thought were our future dreams together. But, ultimately, I would have stuck at that marriage until it killed me because that's what I believed in and how I wanted our children to be brought up. I hate watching them shuffle between our houses, I hate that they've had to lose their beautiful home (even though where we are moving to is nice, it's nowhere near comparable). But, as far as I'm concerned, I am better off in so many ways without him. Especially as he has exposed himself to be a deceitful arse.

I don't blame the OW, ex clearly had no morals but then neither does she so she's equally as bad. What I don't understand though, if she is indeed still involved with my ex, is she has spent the past 2 years watching our divorce destroy my ex. Why would she risk that for herself? Her husband will find out eventually, or maybe she will leave him for my ex, either way she is setting herself up for a bloody hard time. And, believe me, my ex isn't worth that!

So if one found out that one's husband had propositioned 50 women but had remained faithful only because they'd all said no, that would make it OK and the marriage would be unaffected?

*I do not care if the affair partner was spun a yarn or not. If that person knew the other person was already in a relationship, as nebulous on paper as it may appear to be, then they are still making that choice for themselves and should be accountable for it.

I also seriously debate the “If that person was really happy in the marriage”. Chances are if a relationship is unhappy there is no one person to blame there. Look in the mirror first, take ownership of your own goddamn happiness and stop blaming everyone else for your shitty behavior/situation. *
Thank you 'Cubicle '
You've managed to get my point across much better.

"I also seriously debate the “If that person was really happy in the marriage”. Chances are if a relationship is unhappy there is no one person to blame there.

Quite. No-one can make you happy or unhappy but yourself. That phrase 'If that person was really happy in the marriage' really boils my piss because it still points the finger of blame at someone other than the cheater. The cheater is responsible for his happiness and what he contributes to the marriage.

Don't tell a betrayed person that they or the marriage made their partner cheat. That is just as futile and inaccurate as blaming the other person. Not to mention cruel and victim-blaming.

But if a betrayed person finds ease in blaming the affair partner why tell them not to. For most of that it's just a phase in the healing. We all know who is REALLY to blame but it really really eases the pain and frustration to vent at the OP. Is that OK with you all?

But if a betrayed person finds ease in blaming the affair partner why tell them not to.

Because it doesn't serve their interests to tell them to blame someone who's not responsible for their marriage. It doesn't help them to make a decision on what to do from here or assist with the healing process. Plus it's quite often based on a misogynistic 'scarlet woman' stereotype. And some of us are just a bit uncomfortable with the idea that people are the guardians of other people's marriages. It doesn't mean we're OW, it just means that we believe one's personal pledges are one's own responsibility.

I know you go on to say that actually people don't really believe that but it's clear from these threads that very many people do. Understandably of course. I don't think anyone is minimising the pain and devastation that affairs cause. Far from it, the fact that they are so devastating is why I don't think it's helpful to take any attention away from a faithless husband or wife's own complete responsibility for their own personal commitments.

I do quite like the 'advice for the OW' angle which is why I started following this thread. But that's a separate issue. As before, does this mean it's ok if a husband has propositioned 50 women and the only reason he hasn't cheated is because they've all said no?

"So on the one hand all cheaters are just people who are unhappy in their marriage and no longer truly love their spouse."

Funny how they suddenly realise how happy their marriage is and how much they truly love their spouse when the affair is uncovered and they're busy begging forgiveness, as most seem to do.

It's more about excitement and feeling desirable I think. Hard to compete when you're the wife of 20 plus years and have fucked him every which way, many times, and have got to ask him again to clean the gutters. Really hard to compete with illicit sex with someone who hangs on his every word.

I am reminded of the time, some years ago, when I was comforting a friend who had just discovered her husband's affair. Her husband, I should add, had always been a thundercunt. She was struggling to see how she could get past this on top of everything else and I gently reminded her that whether or not she worked through it was a choice that she had. She looked at me, appalled, and said, "But if I don't stay with him, that bitch has won!"

It really stayed with me. That bitch (it's quite possible she was one, I don't know, never met her) should have been utterly irrelevant to the equation. But focusing on her as a blame target and competition of a kind kept my friend from making the right decision. She limped along miserably for ages before finally calling it quits. I wish she'd just focused on her husband, the one who actually promised to love and cherish her and forsake all others, etc etc. If she'd just accepted from the start that only the people within a marriage can be held accountable for it, she'd have saved herself time and heartbreak.

Though I am pleased to report that she is now divorced from that arsewipe and in a relationship with a lovely man.

Exactly Ayn!
Many betrayed wives see it as a competition in which they have to win their H back at all costs. A cheating H is no prize! The best way to win is to have enough self respect to realise you deserve better and not to even contemplate giving him another chance.

GloomyMonday, I think you have a point but why, when there is so much at stake, would people take the risk? For something that wasn't important, forsaking a marriage that's happy?

Perhaps some of the them are but I think the ones that are truly happy don't have this as even a possibility. That is absolutely no indictment on the betrayed spouse, nobody should be looking outside their marriage for extra-marital relationships.

I also think that it's not that easy to disentangle yourself from a marriage. Many people do limp along as they realise that it would be financially disadvantageous to leave - and there is also the issue of easy access to children. From my experience, having seen near-misses and subsequent divorces around me, men favour the 'easy life' option and unless pushed, will stay.

I agree LyingWitch. Leaving a marriage isn’t easy, especially when there are children involved. Many do just limp along preferring the easy option. I think some posters on here need to consider whether they could cheat on someone they loved while in a happy relationship. Don’t settle for someone who thinks so little of you that they are capable of cheating on you. Anyone who claims that their marriage has recovered from cheating and become stronger is deluding themselves. I don’t buy the ‘We were going through a bad patch’ either. Life is full of ups and downs, how could you possibly trust them not to cheat again the next time life gets challenging?

They are both to blame. People are suggesting that because the cheating husband lies to the OW that the poor OW feels she is rescuing him from misery, so is totally blameless. Let’s not forget the Ow also wants to justify why she is willing to sleep with a married man, so is all too willing to believe his lies. I’ve actually cut off someone who I was best friends with from school due to her being the OW in a relationship. I just couldn’t be friends with someone whose morals were in the gutter.

People are suggesting that because the cheating husband lies to the OW that the poor OW feels she is rescuing him from misery, so is totally blameless.

No, I'm suggesting that if David makes a pledge to Sarah, you can't hold Gemma responsible for it. Even if Gemma is a cow.

But we can agreed Gemma's moral are in the gutter regardless.

I have one.

Dear OW,

I am really sorry. I have this way of showing the world that I'm very happy and have a brilliant life... Even when it isn't so.
When we met as family friends I thought you were so kind.
But I see you wanted my life, SAHM with a man who earned well. Lots of friends and always charming everyone I met.
So you took him for yourself. You didn't know the hell I was living under, the mental torture, his previous form for infidelity... You just saw the lifestyle you wanted. You didn't care about me, my children, your children or your husband.
I was vunerable at first and my eldest was hurting herself but thank you for the push, I am not vunerable anymore and she is very happy.
As for you I see the disappointment and anger etched in your face when I see you... It's honestly aged you. I know you're not happy you storm out of days out with my kids... I hear on the grapevine about your arguments.
Again sorry for the facade. It must be hard wallowing in your own karma. My advice would be to leave him... It does wonders for your happiness and self esteem...

Hi, I'm the original poster and I'm taken aback at the amount of responses. I posted here because I am hurting. Full stop my family, my children had their world turned upside down. I fucking hurt. I hurt because my life partner, the father of my children could do this, yes that's going to be with me forever. But the OW in my sad story didn't acknowledge my hurt, made me out to be mad, that's what my original post was about, if you believe in the goodness of other people and then when I asked her to give me space, time to work things out with my children's father and they do the exact opposite just to "win" him, I have to put some of the blame on her door

OW.

I bet you thought you'd won. He kicked me out - he gave me 3 weeks of hell whilst I frantically tried to find a house so my child and I would have somewhere to live. Did you care?

He had you in my old home/his house the day I left. He introduced you that night to our daughter as a 'friend'. He wanted you to form a new family. Did you feel glad?

A week after I left he was hammering at my door telling me he'd made a mistake! I heard you'd argued with him from my daughter. I took him back. Were you upset? Your new imagined life in my home was taken away from you so quickly. Did you feel discarded as if you were nothing?

You frantically tried to contact me to tell me all the sordid details. He showed you his temper. I couldn't forgive him and he wasn't apologetic. The relationship was ruined. Were you happy?

Neither of us won. But he's not a prize. In the end we are free of him so we both won in a way.

But you are still a selfish, uncaring, mean, two-faced bitch. You have the bad reputation - the marriage wrecker - not him!

Gemma's morals may well be in the gutter, yes, but a) why focus on her morals instead of David's when he's the married one and b) no matter where her morals are, she's simply not responsible for David's personal pledges. By saying that she is, you're sharing blame with David and therefore diminishing his responsibility for his own commitments.

Nobody is saying it isn't shitty to sleep with a married person. And of course there are extra horrible situations where an OW or OM really exacerbates the situation with further needless cruelty - that's awful and it's another matter. But if I make a promise to you, you just can't hold a third party responsible for it. It's mine.

You have the bad reputation - the marriage wrecker - not him!

Why not? As you say, he kicked you out, he foisted his mistress on your daughter the day you left, he boinged back and forth between you, he broke his vows to you. Why on earth does the woman, cow as she may be, have the label of marriage wrecker when he's the one who broke his vows?

I know he's the guilty one. I blame him now. But she is the one everyone mostly blames. I am also blamed for not being enough for him. He seems to have escaped just about everyone's blame apart from my close friends and family.

She tempted him - she knew he was in a relationship. He's apparently not able to control himself/can't help himself/can't resist the temptation - therefore she is to blame.....

"Many do just limp along preferring the easy option."

Or the ow was ok for an exciting extra-marital confidence boost but isn't worth giving up a whole life for (in most cases).

"I think you have a point but why, when there is so much at stake, would people take the risk?"

Because they think they're clever enough to do it without being found out. I have a friend who is a Relate counsellor, she says the cheater's attitude is almost like a little kid caught out in a misdeed - it didn't mean anything, I wish I could take it back, I want a do-over.

" I think some posters on here need to consider whether they could cheat on someone they loved while in a happy relationship."

Anyone who thinks they're affair-proof because their spouse loves them and is happy is deluding themselves. Proven time and again that the single biggest indicator of affair susceptibility is 'opportunity to do so.'
Once you fancy the pants off someone else, the wife starts to fade into dowdy black and white compared to the glorious technicolour of an illicit shag, history is rewritten to justify the shitty behaviour.

But she is the one everyone mostly blames. I am also blamed for not being enough for him. He seems to have escaped just about everyone's blame apart from my close friends and family.

I wish I could say I was surprised by this, but I'm not. Women are always being blamed for men's sexual transgressions.

Let's not perpetuate it.

Hi, waves. It was about me but hey ho! I'll start another thread,. Sneaks off

A decent fucking human doesn't do this shit to another, dhORow.

Agreed. Both are shitty people. Married people shouldn't cheat but neither should people fuck someone they know is married. You can argue the husband is worse, sure, but I don't think the OP was interested in infidelity Top Trumps.

It isn't about Top Trumps, it's about who's responsible for an adult's willing, consensual commitment. It doesn't help anyone when we suggest that Dave isn't fully responsible for his own personal pledges. Except Dave, of course. Especially when, as we all well know, women will get disproportionately blamed for men's actions.

How in the hell could the husband NOT be worse than an unmarried OW? He's married, he breaks his commitment to his family, how in any way could his unattached OW be argued to be worse than he is?

I cant stand the free pass given to other women on here because they havent broken any vows !
To target somebodies husband is despicable and yes of course he is mostly to blame but she doesnt get off scot free .
OP i am sorry for your pain. X