Advice for the OW

[babycow38]

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

Gloomy - Sorry I missed your point about the law finding the OW OM responsible?

Does it??? I thought naming them was just to get OW OM to sign and confirm that adultery took place? I’ve never heard of their being an actual punishment for adultery in recent years!

Gloomy - Well that’s very interesting because I was told that a judge didn’t give a shit who cheated or who was to blame just that there were acceptable grounds for divorce and to secure a fair and reasonable settlement for the divorcing couple and their children. I was also told that naming the OW wasn’t worth it because it was difficult and costly to prove, my divorce took around 20 weeks and was very cheap...

Original OP here I'm utterly shocked that so many people have posted.
It's a sad thing really. I have read every single post and understand the fact there are two different people posting, the ones who have had OW thrust in their life and the ones who have been the OW.
Probably we all have the same thing in common. In fact we do, the man who cheated and the man you think is wonderful because he must be, he's choosing you over his family. That's a big ego boost, that makes you feel special.
My whole point about posting in the first place was just to get a bit of anger/thoughts of my chest because I haven't been able to in real life. It's almost like what I would like to say to her if I could sit her down in real life,the enormous fall out for me, my children, and him even. I would love to ask her if she knew would she still have pursued and carried it on?
I have a life now where we are back together, I don't post about what a painful and traumatic time that was because that's not what this thread was about. It was just me trying to understand what motivates another woman to ACTIVALLY pursue a married man and knowing they have children still feel okay? Perhaps they don't?
I don't know and I'm not so sure I'm any wider now

It’s a shitty thing to go through OP as I know only too well and I truly sympathise with you. Just a word of warning though, do you know that she actively pursued him or is this just what he’s told you? My EXH told me that the first OW actively pursued him and teased him for rejecting her advances. She was so relentless that he had to give in eventually, the poor love... He even went as far as to say that she physically repulsed him and that he thought she was all he deserved! Obviously I had doubts about his version of events so I did actually phone the OW. It was the strangest conversation I ever had, it started off with my calling her every name under the sun and ended with me actually sympathising with her when I realised that she’d been fed as much bullshit as I had! She did give me some advice though and I wish I’d taken it - ‘Leave him now because you deserve better, he’ll do it again’ She was correct, if only I’d listened then and not wasted another 5 years of my life with him.

I suppose you got a bit of insight Weemcbeestie I honestly don't know to this day if she feels anything, I am getting to the place now though through all the responses, I just don't care anymore.
I never realized it was so common, I just thought it was my little family. I'm so much more stronger now . You know for me and my little family, my lovely children I just want to move on. Do I wonder if she feels thwarted,? Yes I do, She didn't think we would make it work,and I get that. Three years ago I hated him. Three years ago my children were in so much pain I wanted to end my life because I thought I was such a shit Mum, .
But, I got therapy, I fucking made sure my kids had therapy, in fact I gave my job up to be there for them for the first sixth months.

It was just me trying to understand what motivates another woman to ACTIVALLY pursue a married man and knowing they have children still feel okay? Perhaps they don't?

I don't understand what you don't understand.

As I said I have never been the OW so am not coming at it from that angle BUT I have had the situation where DH has had 2 occasions where women have wanted him to have a relationship with them (not just a fling), leaving the family etc. I have had 3 occasions where another man has wanted to have a relationship with me. 2 wanted me to leave my husband and 1 wanted me to start a relationship with them with the view to each leaving their spouses when respective kids had finished school/uni. In no case was there any romantic lead up or carry on to all of this, all one sided in both the cases of DH and myself. The reasons people have are not at all hard to understand so not sure why you think mental gymnastics are required.

In their heads:

• I'm madly in love with you. Doesn't matter that your spouse loves you, no-one could love you as much as I do so you would obviously be better off being with me.
• I have built up a fantasy life in my head with you in it. In that life you will be far happier with me than with your spouse. Your kids will be better off with us in my version than the current rel life version. How is this not obvious to everyone?
• I have come to the conclusion your relationship is flawed and you would be better off apart with other people. You would both be happier so actually, I'm doing the best thing for everyone.
• I believe in fate and true love. Just because you have the social constraint of marriage, this should not be a barrier to 'true love', fate and the fact that we are 'meant to be together'. Yes, the other spouse may be hurt and the kids may feel fall-out but we owe it to ourselves to fulfill destiny of the universe or whatever yak crap they come up with.

People genuinely believe all of this and why would you get angry with them? They can believe all of this all they like. They can try and action all of this all they like. Because it's their true belief. HOWEVER it all means nothing unless a spouse either a) genuinely agrees with any of these things and runs off or b) thinks 'meh, i'm not buying into this but it will seem like a valid escape route from something I don't want to be in'. Only the spouse has made promises to the other spouse. Only the spouse has made a commitment to the other spouse. The OW or OM has no obligations in this regard so nothing to be angry about if the spouse CHOOSES to use them as an excuse to leave. The reality with cheaters or spouses that leave is the OW/OM is not the reason. If it was not with this particular person it would have been with another.

Oh hoppingpalova would you be in my position!! I'm so fed up of people like you. You have no idea nor no empathy. I'd love to come on these boards and be as smug as you but it fucking happened to me and my family. Just can't stand people like you

It's great to post from the fact that other people want your OH, and oh yes other people want you? What are you bringing to my thread? What on earth do you think you have any advice for me? Except to stealth brag you two are both above indefelity???

And it's not fucking obvious!!! There was lots of posters who got it! Whether they had been cheated on or not I just wanted to rant, let myself talk, go through the shite show that is indefelity, just have a safe place to, you know rant about how hate the.OW. It does not mean I don't hold my OH accountable, i think some people need to understand I'm just fucking furious at OW and it's a process,I'm sure it will pass x

OP - i knew a woman who was serially an OW. She split up a couple of marriages and was having a long affair with her NDN until they moved. She would always befriend the woman and would invite the couple for dinner etc whilst having an affair with the man. I asked her if it was really a competition with the woman she was interested in rather than the man himself and she said yes. She was a dangerous and destructive woman who created so much misery.

OP, you're right to say that lots of people got it, and in rl I'm sure even more would understand. It is only on mn that you are not allowed to criticise ow, only on mn that previous ow crawl out of the woodwork, not to help you understand their motives, but to tie themselves in knots trying to absolve themselves of blame.

You've obviously forgiven your dh. You've raged, blamed, questioned and discussed it with him over the years and reached a point where you can get your head around it and forgive him. You've had no such closure with ow and are still confused about how she could do it.

In some ways this thread might have given you some insight there. Previous ow have posted here to say that they never thought about the wife and family, that they didn't feel guilt because it was his job to stay faithful, that they believed the lies he told them about his wife (or pretended to). You won't ever get answers from your ow but I bet the above sums her up nicely : she fancied him and didn't give a shit about the fallout for your family because she didn't think that that was anything to do with her. Think about what that means for her, as a person. I'd rather be you than her x1000.

Everything Gloomy said.
My best friend is such a kind kind lady.
I read somewhere :
'The wife has more class in her little finger than the ow has in her whole body'

There has been some very nasty and hurtful comments on here.

My friend is very kind and to this day cannot understand how the ow tried to do what she did.

My friend wouldn't hurt a fly.
The pain she felt almost drove her over the edge.

It is all part of the healing to 'hate' the ow - for a bit.

Yes it could have been anyone.
But in her case it was her.

H wasn't a serial cheater.
He had been a good faithful husband till then.

She made a beeline for him when they were going through s rough patch.

Instead of helping him sort out his marriage she took advantage.

Most days my best friend doesn't think about the ow.
Things are better than ever but there is not closure with ow.
Maybe it will just take time.

So you’ve forgiven him- the man who chose to leave, the man who chose another woman over his own children, but not the woman who facilitated it all? That anger you’ve held on to, but not the anger towards your husband? I don’t get that. I’ll never get that. Both are to blame. Both made a concious decision. I don’t understand how you can forgive him because it suits, but not make your peace with the concept of her. It puts her part in the affair above his- which I can’t agree with. She is complicit in the destruction of your family/ he is responsible.

Get of your high horse.
One day op will forgive.
This thread is not about that.

"It puts her part in the affair above his."

It doesn't. She's forgiven her dh because he asked for forgiveness. He said all the things he needed to say to convince op he was truly sorry. It wouldn't have happened overnight, but there's been a process that allowed her to come to terms with what he did. They have dc, years of shared history and happy memories. She can recall many kindnesses that she can weigh against this one awful thing. They may have had shared counselling.

There has been no healing process with ow. Of course not, one wouldn't expect there to be. But she hasn't apologised, explained, begged forgiveness. There aren't any shared memories or history or dc. All op knows about her is she slept with her dh and probably would've been delighted if he'd left his family devastated to be with her.

It's not that ow is more to blame, it's that ow doesn't do anything to warrant forgiveness. She just disappears. You never get answers or explanations from her. Moving on from hating her takes a long time as a consequence but it happens eventually.

I'd love to come on these boards and be as smug as you but it fucking happened to me and my family. Just can't stand people like you
Nope, not smug. Just saying if my DH had of gone down that path- and who knows there’s always time and possibility left to be in that position I guess- I’m sure as shit I wouldn’t be angry at a woman who had no obligation to me who had one of a million things going on in her own head. I know who I would direct 100% of my anger at. At some point I may stop and wonder which one of the above the OW would have had in her mind but it would end at that. Anger for her, no,

And no stealth brag. You were saying you had absolutely no idea what could motivate people in this regard. Drawing on personal experience I gave the main reasons as to what seems to motivate people in this regard. Was genuinely trying to answer that for you but hey ho.

"I don't understand what you don't understand."

"The reasons people have are not at all hard to understand so not sure why you think mental gymnastics are required."

"Was genuinely trying to answer that for you but hey ho."

If you are genuinely trying to help someone who is in a great deal of pain you might want to revisit your posting style, it comes across as superior and dismissive and patronising.

Not everybody is fed lies. In my case at least there weren't any as I didn't want to get involved with their marital life. Yes he chased me relentlessly for some time until I gave in. The truth was that I thought he wanted a NSA sort of relationship. I very much wanted to have an affair because I was fed up with my exH and the life he made me live and no matter how much I asked for a divorce he would just tell me I was being hormonal.
It turns out my MM/OM situation was similar, he says he actually had no I dead what he was looking for when he looked for me.
Three weeks later we realised it was way more than an exit affair for.both of us. At this point we should.probably have said to wait until we were both out of our marriages, but we also realised that to everyone else we would leaving for each other, so stopping seeing each wouldn't have made a difference at all.

So it was a 'sort ' of exit affair for you both.
You were the ow for 3 weeks.
Some affairs drag on for ages.
So much lying and deceit.
I think personally I could relate to that.
And the fact

My advice to her would be never to relax: she may be smug now and think she has “won”, but actually he’s told me he’s with her as I wouldn’t take him back and he is sad and lonely as no one else will speak to him because of what he’s done.

Good luck to her.

But I’m firmly in the hate her camp. You don’t have to have made promises to someone to be a decent person and not get involved in destroying a family and another woman and children’s lives.

Robin for all terms and purposes I think it was. His side dragged a bit longer than mine (although he constantly tried to leave) and it was not until his exW heard it from a Relate counsellor that she accepted their marriage was over. So I was the OW for three months, but we got the ball rolling to leave our marriages three weeks in.

This doesn't mean his exW wasn't in pain. Or that we didn't cause any because we did. To her (and her family and friends) I wrecked her marriage. I was selfish, I just wanted to get out of mine and her exH seemed like a good option (anybody would have to be fair). And I'm truly sorry for that.

Time has started to heal everybody involved. We were lucky as we turned out to be a very good match. We have a healthy relationship (all things considered) and we're trying to look ahead rather than behind.

Again, I can't tell her how sorry I am for the pain I helped cause. Of course every now.and then there's a smug side of that says "well if she hadn't been so stubborn maybe she wouldn't have hurt as much", but I can't. She was fighting for what she blindly or not thought was a healthy and happy marriage. I can't blame her for that, anybody would instinctively do that.

My only hope is that time will let her see that a happy married man wouldn't leave his family and wife for someone he met three weeks ago. That clearly that man was unhappy and he was too weak or confused to see another way out. I think in our case time is the best medicine.

I don't understand why anyone would need an exit affair, if someone is unhappy then end the marriage. If you can't live without a partner look for someone new after you have dealt with ending things.

I think the OP is being bullied a bit here. This is relationships not AIBU. She is hurt and angry. Why can't she have a good rant - it helps.

Logically I quite agree that the only person to blame is the unfaithful spouse. Before H's affair I was totally on-board with that idea. I thought it was ridiculous to blame anyone else. Then d-day happened and I was blown sideways by the storm of emotions. It is impossible to be logical, you are fighting your way through a mass of pain, confusion and fear. I knew in the logical part for my brain that the only person to blame was H. I guess the OW should be answering only to her H for the damage to their marriage. But logic was a tiny quiet voice in comparison to the storm raging everywhere else.

I was furious with H, but also wanted him to comfort me. That's one of the hideous ironies of d-day. I was also furious with OW but I didn't want her to come near me let along comfort me so she became the butt of a lot of my anger. But it was good to have an Aunt Sally - someone I could hurl some of my anger and pain at. She wasn't there, she didn't hear it, to be honest I suspect she wouldn't have given a stuff.

The things that needed to be said to H were said. The things we both needed to do were done. Over the years he got to realise the damage he had done and just how stupid and selfish he had been. But I never physically hurt him, I managed to keep discussions reasonably civil most of the time. My children were largely oblivious to what was going on. And that was as it should have been.

It all passed and I reached an equilibrium. I am now indifferent to her.

Life is good but if one of my close friends at the time had told me not to be angry with the OW I would have been so hurt - my friends knew I meed to vent, I needed an outlet for the pain. It was temporary but it was necessary.

thigh there are plenty of articles about it (sure some of them are pop psychology but the reasons are similar). Sometimes leaving isn't that easy. To the other spouse everything can be fixed but for most people an affair is a deal breaker.
Most people don't stay with their exit AP, in fact most people (and I mean around 97%) don't stay with their AP at all.

Having an exit affair is not about having someone else lines up, it's more about giving the marriage a blow that makes it unfixable.

My exh had an exit affair some 25 years ago.
We'd only been together a few years married about about 18 months.
The marriage was rocky- lots of arguments.
He new her already.
Told me he wanted to split up 2 months later
I didn't find out about her till 3 months later.
I was hurt and but we just weren't suited and wanted completely different things out of life
When my best friend found her long term husband had been having an emotional affair for 18 months and still then had no intentions of leaving .......
The ow hanging on for grim death.
This is a person I have no time for...
selfish