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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

311 replies

Ellamorgan · 20/09/2018 21:39

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this Smile

OP posts:
ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 30/09/2018 14:56

I think that’s a good plan Ellenmorgan it’s tough. I was horrible to my mum when my dad left us. However it was him I went NC with as I got older and realised the games he was playing and all to get to my mum...

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 30/09/2018 15:24

If he pulls that one again just say it’s grand for your DD to go straight back with her dad but she has to take her homework with her. His problem.

sparklepops123 · 30/09/2018 16:35

Ive just seen your thread and am still trying to get my head round he told your dc without you being there. Set firm boundaries for contact, they seem to be pushing them already with no consideration to you (him and dc) things will settle down when the newness of the sitauation wears off.
💐 for you, he's treated you like utter crap,your better off without somebody who has treated you this way .

SandyY2K · 30/09/2018 17:38

Perhaps contacting her school to let them know you're going through a split, which is impacting on the DC.

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 30/09/2018 17:49

What a day!!! I thought it would be easier when he went but today has proved otherwise.

My Daughter went for her second contact for an hour, my son did not want to. H dropped her back and said “call me later I say goodnight then” my Son said he would but he only wants a short phone call daily before next Sunday’s contact, H pushed and asked to see him in the week too, Son said no Sunday, H says “ok mate no pressure, we can talk about it on what’s app later can’t we? I can just come and sit with you”. My son is not happy as he doesn’t think dad is listening to him. My daughter seems to have settled better since returning 2nd time round, she is talking about her contact next Sunday with her dad but at the moment doesn’t want contact through the week either.

H Tried to engage me in conversation t I didn’t want to talk so I kept the responses short and blunt, not sure I am ever going to get used to this!!!

Anyway a positive end to the day with a roast dinner DD’s favorite and a film.

OP posts:
ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 30/09/2018 17:56

hopefully it will all settle down and a regular arrangement will be agreed.
Enjoy your roast!

BackInTheRoom · 30/09/2018 18:30

@Dancingtothemusicoftime

sparklepops123 · 30/09/2018 18:30

Didn't take long for the dc to get bored. Just keep up what you're doing, home normal as possible,don't slate him off to them and minimal conversation between you two . Sounds like you're doing all the right imo

crimsonlake · 30/09/2018 19:06

Do we know where he has gone to? Has he got his own place, is he on his own? Perhaps you do not want to share this, but I am puzzled that he has up and left to be on his own?

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 30/09/2018 19:32

@crimsonlake, he has rented a two bedroom flat locally to me, he didn’t leave me his address but he did get the contract through the post at this address so I copied the address down.

At the moment I believe he is living alone, the new furniture he has ordered hasn’t arrived yet, I only know that as some of the accounts he has ordered from are linked to my email address so I am getting updates on delivery times.

The children seem much more settled this evening now the contact is done although I’m sure as the time passes this evening and he calls to say goodnight it will disturb them once again.

Thank you everyone for your continued support, I have found today really difficult, more than I expected to but I think that is just because of the changes in behaviour of my daughter after contact.

Let’s hope the week goes slowly as I really am going to start to hate sundays x

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 30/09/2018 19:41

That is interesting, just be careful here as my ex did this. Purchased a new house before we had financially settled anything but bought all the furnishing, updated it with our joint money. In court he tried to justify this action by saying he removed nothing from the family home. However I argued that I had effectively paid for it all as he had used our savings. I never saw the money back as the Judge said there was nothing left as he had spent it. I would suggest you see a solicitor and try to get your assets frozen to stop him spending your joint money.

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 30/09/2018 19:49

What he has done @crimsonlake is sold his coins to his mum to hold them in trust till the children are old enough, he only said that to justify the £2,000 his mum has given him.

I am aware that he has a court date for 21/02/19 for his compensation claim, he will not expect me to be aware of this or even consider I would go for any of this money, the compensation is likely to be settled for around £100,000, I am aiming to offset the equity in the house against th compensation so he has no claim to the house

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 30/09/2018 20:30

He's hoping if he thinks leaving you means he keeps 100k.
Have you put a charge on the house?
Child support, you can do it now... You need to...
Get this done now... He then can't sell it..
If you have savings move them out of joint account...
If he buys a new car... Ect, it all gets listed as marriage assets, when you do the financial forms... Silly man they don't care what his rent and outgoings are. You just get your share of his wages as child support from his gross...
Courts now work as NEEDS.
So all money is counted, no matter where it comes from.. Your more likely to get 60% and he will see that nice pension pot counted as a asset as well.
Don't sweat about the new furniture. As what you have is more than he spent..
Make sure you have debts and proof, as to when he left and what he has run up since..
Don't rush the divorce, let the compensation claim settlement go through...
Oh and if you have to pay all the mortgage even if it is out of the child support you get that back...

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 30/09/2018 21:14

Thanks @mummy2017, I hate all of this as he is so financially driven and I just want enough to buy shopping and live daily. We have a joint mortgage, we have been lucky as since moving in two and a half years ago our property has risen by nearly £100,000. H has 3 pensions, a coin collection, 8 mountain bikes and a compensation claim on the way, I have my wages and a small pension.

I spoke to the solicitor about all of this, at present he is paying the mortgage and I pay all the bills, this would work out roughly the same as child maintenance so if he stops paying I will go to CSA for child maintenance and that will pay the mortgage Instead. I have debated selling and walking away but in my area the property is so expensive even a deposit if £60000 I would still struggle to get a mortgage with my wages and my children have said they don’t want to move this is their home so I will fight to stay here as long as possible

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 30/09/2018 22:42

Who valued the coin collection at 2k? Hope it was independent

You're doing well. It will all settle. Hope you can get some sleep

mummmy2017 · 30/09/2018 23:16

Do the checker and see what he would have to hand over for child support, bet it is more than mortgage, and he should be paying towards children's costs anyway..

mummmy2017 · 30/09/2018 23:23

You would get about £700 a month if he earns 57k..
And he would have to pay half the mortgage as well.
Protect yourself... Make him pay now, before he decides going on jollies is a better way to spend a grand a month.
As he won't like paying up, and will use it to control you otherwise.

notsodimwit · 01/10/2018 06:34

Hello op Flowers I was the same age as your daughter is when my dad did exactly what her dad did xx I was acting the same as her at first as he spoilt me (being a young teenager I was a brat!Sad ) but I knew everything that had happened and saw straight through dad in the next few weeks, never really wanted to see him etc! The more he said bad things about my mam the more I disliked him! It got to a point where I wouldn't go for days out etc with him and there was an other woman who surfaced eventually Angry I love my mam Smile

crimsonlake · 01/10/2018 13:42

You have to get in to fight and survival mode regarding the finances. You have to think to the future and what you need going forward. Enough money for day to day and food shopping is not going to secure your future or the children's. I hope you have been getting your hands on copies of all your financial,...bank accounts, savings etc. You really must protect yourself. Do not take the word of one free 30 min solicitors appointment as how things are going to turn out. The solicitor only had a quick impression and gave their views of how things might turn out. Another solicitor may say something entirely different. If it goes to court and you go through all 3 hearings each Judge's views will differ wildly also as to what the final outcome may be. In my vast experience of them it depends upon what they had for breakfast and which side of the bed they got out of that morning. I cannot stress the importance of taking control and protecting all your futures.

Original poster
Ellamorgan · 01/10/2018 17:24

Thank you all for the advice, I’m trying really hard to be strong. I have just changed the first bill back over to my name and informed that he has moved out, it broke my heart and as much as I didn’t want to I burst into tears.

I am slowly making lists of everything he has, we still have two joint bank accounts that I can see online and so can he, means I can keep track of all spending from either account, at the moment he hasn’t taken anything from mine or spent the bill money from his, he has however spent £1000 on new furniture for his property which is fair enough.

I am hoping that the daily routine just helps to get me through at the moment so I don’t have time to dwell, my Counsellor has been on holiday the past two weeks but I’m looking forward to returning I her Wednesday to off load it all

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 01/10/2018 17:34

Big hug 💐

crimsonlake · 01/10/2018 18:38

The coins are joint assets so need to be taken in to account, half of that is yours. I would be worried about what he is spending on his new flat as that is reducing the amount of assets to be split up when the time comes. Do not start economising and reducing your spending now he has left as further down the line when you have to produce evidence of your outgoings if you have reigned them in they will argue that you need less. Keep a very close eye on those accounts daily to monitor them. You are doing really well keeping everything together and still going to work. As hard as it is now emotionally you must start sorting the finances with him. It is awful that when you are going through a traumatic time you also have to deal with this and make decisions when you do not feel equipped to do so. He is a stranger to you now and will be out for himself. He may seem to be playing fair in the early days through the guilt he is feeling, but once this starts wearing off and he begins to enjoy the new found freedom in his single life things can quickly unravel for you. Hope you have people around who can support you.

TemptressofWaikiki · 01/10/2018 19:27

OP, you’re so much stronger than you realise. And you will become more resilient to his manipulative bullying. It’s already started but your feelings will start fading pretty quickly and a few months down the line, you might actually feel a lot more content and at peace without his toxic presence. I predict that in 6-8 months, you will be in a much better space, while he will free-fall because whatever or should I say whoever he might have lined up may not work out or be half as exciting once the rush of his clandestine, illicit fuckery is gone. I wouldn’t be surprised that he may even expect to waltz back.

IndieTara · 01/10/2018 19:35

Op you're doing so well in such difficult circumstances. Keep doing what you're doing because it will help you be resilient and stand up for yourself when divorce proceedings start. He will fight dirty and you will need to be prepared for that

KataraJean · 01/10/2018 20:01

Flowers You are doing very well.

I think you will need a hard hat on and insist on contact being in blocks of time, not back and forth. Your STBXH cannot insist on the DC speaking to him on the phone, he is harassing and manipulating if they do not wish to talk, and over time, they will resent him.

I think you will need strong boundaries in place, or he will continue to control things from a distance.

Stay strong, this too shall pass Flowers