He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

I know I willl have to get tough with contact, at the moment he will text them every morning as they go to school, ring them as they come out of school, if he can’t get through he will text, he will then text during dinner and again while thy are at dance class. Another call at bedtime, I know it’s early days but the kids are saying that they didn’t speak to dad this much when he lived with them, they won’t tell him as they don’t want to upset him, I have said that if it doesn’t relax I will step in if thy want me too.

I really hoped after 10 weeks of hell it would start to ease, my husband has left without explanation but has decided that he cannot even do that without an element of control despitebit being his choice entirely, some days I could happily scream “you fucking twat” not sure what that would achieve now though

I think see how it settles in a week or so.

Maybe ask your solicitor about the incessant calling to the DC and contact, because it sounds like the meeting mostly concentrated on financial issues.

You probably will not feel this advice suits you, but you can also call Women’s Aid for advice if the control does not let up. They have children and young people’s workers. My DC saw someone for about a year. Even if not WA, it may be worth letting the school guidance teachers know if DC need someone neutral to talk to.

Re parents’ meetings etc going forward, you may be able to get separate appointments and the school will send out report cards to dad separately. Close down any lines of communication which you can.

It is early days. For me, it felt like all I was doing was gradually making the radius I could move freely in wider, it took a long time. You have to become a different person in some ways, a person who turns off the natural reaction to respond in a pacifying way and puts up clear boundaries instead.

Is it a good idea to change all the bills into your name at this point, especially if there is already a balance on their that you BOTH currently owe? If you do that won't you become the only one liable for bills that perhaps have accrued over past periods? Just a thought m, maybe that's not the case. Obviously different/works in your favour if there are credits on the accounts!

*there

Don’t step in and interfere with the relationship between the dc and their father, it’s not a great idea.

Your dc might not want there father doing this it that but they have to work out themselves there own ways to have a relationship with him

Support them, don’t tell them how to handle it but ask them how or what they think they can do and let them decide

You’re not together any more and you stepping in will not be accepted by your ex and is not helpful for your dc

It will naturally calm down after a week or so on it’s own, he won’t be able to keep up the high levels of contact, it’s the initial separation that is instigating this - I’d bet money that on the 1 November there are no longer a string of calls

Don’t step in and interfere with the relationship between the dc and their father, it’s not a great idea

Yep it’s too early. If the DC really appeal for help then act, but I’d say give it a couple of weeks (to dig his own grave with them) and if it’s still OTT and to their detriment intervene.

He will have stopped caring so much by then, most definitely. It’s like he’s trying to hysterically bond with them (of a sort).

Sorry, OP but I think there is an OW and she will surface pretty soon. I would wait it out, bite your tongue and let him dig his own grave. He will soon tire of wanting to speak/see the kids so often - they will cramp his style too much and OW won't like it. Kids are smart they will figure it out all by themselves, especially when he doesn't want them around so much and starts letting them down because he's had a better offer. Leave them to make their own minds up.

So not even a week has passed and I am beginning to feel a bit better. I had my last session with my Counsellor last night but she has recommended more so I will wait for a new date to start,

Unfortunately the DC are struggling, H continues to call and text them constantly, my son cries when his phone rings and he just keeps saying he can’t cope with the stress and pressure. I am not getting involved and just trying to encourage the kids to be open with their dad about how they feel. Tonight he text me directly saying I need to back him with the kids, I sent him a message back saying I have said nothing but your dad loves you lots to the children throughout all of this.

I am keeping a diary of all the hassle just in case but he is saying things like I know you want two hours contact but it’s not really your choice as I’m your dad so you will visit for 4 hours!!

It’s awful that despite all of this if he just relaxed a bit and gave them time it would settle but he is missing them so feels they have to fill the void!!
Arrrrtrrrrrrrrrr

God - he is unbelievably awful putting pressure like that on his own children.

God he's an arse isn't he

They are kids, they are not going to tell their dad not to call. But they can focus on other things in their lives —and forget to charge their phones—

Ask your solicitor about getting a contact pattern in place. Advocating for your DC’s needs is not the same as interfering with their relationship with their dad.

I'm with Katara - I think you need to support them as they are still so young to stand up and disagree with their Dad at this stressful time.

How about your introduce a new rule - phones off after 7pm. They could be pro-active and contact him to wish him goodnight at a time of their choosing. If he starts getting arsey about it with you - your answer is they're in the shower, gone to bed, concentrating on their homework. Ultimately you may have to tell him to back off - but this maybe better coming via a solicitor given your history
Whatever - you need to support them. He is bullying them and they need help to face this - please don't leave them to sort it by themselves.

I agree with pp - you can't leave them to deal with his bullying behaviour on their own although I know it will be a red rag to a bull if you get involved.

I am glad you are logging it but agree time to step in. They are still children and need someone to stand up for them . I would tell him that you will not have the children upset like this and if he doesn’t stop harassing them you will block his number from there phone.

This man seems to have decided everything and doesn’t like not getting his own way.

11 and 13 are too young to be left dealing with their controlling father. Believe me I have been there and I really feel for your children but you also. Your STBX does not have an inch of emotional sensitivity and it is all about what he wants, not what the children want and need. He has basically let off a bomb which has exploded , the ripples of that go far and wide and will never subside. You need to stand up for your children and personally I would put it in an email. This will give him time to digest it fully and possibly reflect on his behaviour. Unfortunately as I suspect he may be unwilling to listen as he is so hell bent on maintaining his control. Initially I had to step in when my ex went, both of mine were 13 and 14 at the time In one incidence he decided he was coming round to help one of them revise. My son did not want his father to do this, however he was hell bent on doing so, even saying he would come round and force him. The upset it caused was horrible and of course I had to step in. The only way to put a stop to it was to threaten him with the police if he did so. Unfortunately for me if I did not comply with his ' rules ' he would threaten to reduce the maintenance he gave me and he did regularly. Ironically as things settled down, he only saw them for a few hours every other Saturday, I think they stayed overnight once. They are in their 20's now, thank fully despite their ordeal are both at Uni, but have very little to do with him.

I agree with @crimsonlake - you need to step him and tell him to stop pressuring the kids. What an arsehole.

So today I had agreed that the kids would have 2 hours contact from 11-1 ( the kids requested this to me so I spoke to H for them). H arrived on time, knocked on the door ( I left the key in and the door locked) he spent 20 minutes following me around the home saying how much he missed me, that he still loves me, he hugged me and kissed me in the head, I just stood and froze.

I am so confused!!! He now says he wants to talk, he doesn’t want this to be the end. I have spent 10 weeks listening to him slagging me off, saying how he hates me, how this is my fault, he has been gone a week and as hard as it has been I have survived!! The children seem happier ( other than when dad is harassing them over the phone). Why is he doing this?

I tried hard to be strong, I didn’t talk to him, I just said the kids have been fine this week nothing to report and left it at that.

He has since phoned extending today’s contact by an hour, ( I spoke with the kids who said it was them that had asked so that’s fine) but I’m dreading the drop off

Don’t let him in. Do handover at the door and just close it.

He has shown you who he is. Even if you were to take him back now, could you trust him not to do this again?

It’s all part of his control to make you fall back in line . Next week key in door as this week .

Shout the kids . Dad is here . See them out . He wants to come in say it’s his time with the children. Shut door .

@ellamorgan go to page one of your thread, read your original post.

Other than him following you around the house, feeling sorry for himself as you and the children are able to cope without him and the realisation that your only going to get stronger has anything changed from the original post?

Has he apologised, bothered to offer an explanation, asked for forgiveness for his cheating and cruel behaviour????

Please also read your post from the 29th on page 7.
Nobody can tell you what to do in RL but regardless it would be unwise if you are considering this for him to move back and play happy families. He has a lot of issues and behaviours that need a lot of work.

If you are considering it then I strongly suggest it's on your terms, marriage counselling and he doesn't move back in.
I have a feeling that if you put this to him the cruel nasty behaviour would come out again as he doesn't want to do this he just wants to get his own way!

My ex did the kissing and hugging thing; I told him it was abuse as I had not consented to it.

Following you around the house saying he loves you is harassment.

He is only doing this because he is out on his ear and you are not begging him to come back

Not abuse, I mean assault.

In your first post, you said he got drunk and shouted at you that he hated you. Get him to explain how he has managed to "un-hate" you in the last few weeks. You don't come back from that sort of statement imo.

In my own (bitter) experience, an ex tries to come back either because they don't want to be alone, or they miss having control. Or both.

9 days ago you wrote that he said 'I'm not sure why I ever loved you' and he called you a 'spiteful cunt'. At best reality of living alone isn't what he thought it would be and at worst he is still trying to control you, for you to say you miss him too so he knows he still has something over you. Sadly by what you have posted on here previously I expect it is the latter.

Tell him he killed your love.
That he needs to accept this.