He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

[Ellamorgan]

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this

Ellamorgan hope you and your DC are ok this evening .

Thank you all for your support today, it is really appreciated.

We have just returned home after being out for the day to keep ourselves busy. Coming home has felt weird this evening, he has taken his wedding ring with him, I half expected him to leave it on the cabinet where it’s sat for 6 weeks.

At the moment it’s quiet here but he will call the DC’s as he wants them to visit tomorrow, they are not keen but that’s for us to argue tomorrow, for tonight we are having take away, watching rubbish Telly and trying to hold back the tears x

As much as we have been supporting you through this I have no doubt this is emotionally destroying. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would feel if my OH told me he was leaving me. All the thoughts and visions of our future gone and having to start again. You will be strong for your DC and I know you can stay strong but I know it’s going to be emotionally draining for you all. Hugs from over here

Thank you for the hugs @ledzeplin. It is so hard, the children seem settled at the moment, I think it will hit them in a couple of days, I am fighting back the tears just sitting here and I think tonight it will hit me when I go to bed.

@Ellamorgan the worst is over now. Enjoy plenty of cuddles and chill with dc. I understand you're upset. I unexpectedly shed a few tears when I finally, after years of trying to get rid of my ex husband, finally succeeded. The day he left I felt sad because when I got married I never thought it'd end up like that and wanted a family for my dc. I hated him with a passion by then so I was surprised I cried!!
Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

Ellamorgan don't be sad. You have been very strong - you can do this. The worst is over, I have nothing but admiration at how you have kept it together these past few weeks. I cannot believe he would so selfish as to stay in the family home with you and his children while setting himself up in his new 'pad'. The fact that he thinks this is ok is shocking and to have you sleeping on the sofa while he snores away upstairs in bed is disgusting. And then to blame you for all his shenanigans is truly gobsmacking. I would have lost the plot and have kicked his arse back to his mothers long ago, I don't know how you have kept your cool for so long. Tomorrow is a new beginning for you all. The sun will shine, I know it.

Not even one nights peace was allowed, planned contact over the phone between the DC’s and dad to say goodnight. Took all of a few minutes for the hassling of contact started, the kids agreed to an hour at 10:30am today but want to be home by 11:30am.

He text to say he would see them at 10:00am today, I said the kids want 10:30 so he agreed. The DC’s are worried that dad will not return them when they ask.

He has been gone less than 24 hours and is already saying what is going to happen!!

I will use the hour to get some housework done and keep busy but I am already worried that he is going to be on at the children daily.

Has anyone else found this difficult? Does it get any better?

Sorry he's being like this op.
I've been there earlier this year.
It will calm down as he settles into his new life wherever that is. It's all new to him. I know he brought this all on himself and I feel zero sympathy for him. But you may find it helpful to think that your dh is finding this new phase scary and is regretting it all also,and realising the bachelor life isn't as great as he thought it would be.

It is ok to say to him that if he can't be respectful of the children's needs and upsets them and keeps them out longer than agreed, he will need to sort contact out through the court. That might get him to behave.
Hugs to you xx

Just make sure he isn’t causing the DC any emotional distress. That would be my main focus. He doesn’t seem to respect anything they say or recognise that they are affected by his decision either.... as the PP he is adjusting too however that does not give him carte Blanche to do what he wants and make demands of the DC. I feel sorry for them as he hasn’t even allowed them a day to adjust to him not being their. He is a fool as it wouldn’t surprise me if they start refusing to see him as he isn’t doing the Disney dad he is being angry and demanding dad.... stay calm see how it goes and as time moves on if he doesn’t improve you may need to speak to your solicitor again about the concerns for your DC

Don’t worry today about the return time, bite your lip.

If your ex doesn’t return the dc in time then they’ll be so pissed off with him that they’ll probably kick up such a fuss or not go again for a while.

Step back and don’t allow yourself to become embroiled in their relationship as it won’t helo you

You can’t control his actions but you can decide how you react to them

If he continues like this it may be worth arranging visits through a solicitor. He is still trying to be controlling even after he's left so may need days in black and white.

Try to keep busy while they are out.

Hope the pick up of the DC went without a drama

Bloody hell he really is a nasty cunt, isn’t he?

Are the kids aware that they can refuse to see him?

Stay strong - you’re DOING this and you’re being calm and elegant with it x

I know it's not funny, but his under breathe mutterings make him sound like a madman.

It's like he's convinced himself he's the victim.

You've shown amazing strength OP.

It's too late on many levels but the children are far too involved in this. Please, do all you can to hide from them what is happening.

Eg they shouldn't have known about the airbed. And your daughter shouldn't be in the position to put the air bed in her room for you.

It's appalling how much these children have been pulled into this. Yes, most of it has been him! But please, don't add to it.

Fake it. Your priority is their peace. They are CHILDREN and their peace is the priority. Hold back the tears, they shouldn't know you are struggling. You need to be the parent and protect them from all this. Fake it, be jolly Enid Blyton mummy.

You need to flag up legally the parental alienation he is already employing. Collect evidence. The children need to be entirely protected from it. At least with him gone they are protected from it in the home. Make sure you keep it like that.

You do not have to agree to them going to him willy nilly.

It might be an idea to keep a diary of contact and contact requests (plus finances)

Hope you're ok. He really is trying to make himself believe that it's all your fault so he doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving you.

If he throws anymore insults or chops and changes the kids arrangements around I think you should text him the post you wrote yesterday (sat) morning "today is the day my husband packs his bags and leave...". Remove the last paragraph about Mumsnet support and add a paragraph saying that you are trying to be as calm about things as you can, but all the changes are tough for the children. Tell him you want him to have access to and time with the children, but their emotional stability comes first, so their interests and clubs are important and shouldn't be chopped and changed to fit around him leaving. Tell him they've had enough change and loss due to him leaving, and they need regularity in the rest of their lives. Tell him if he can't bite his tongue and stop sniping at you and grumbling to the children about you then it's best if you hire solicitors to arrange something more fixed.

You are doing so well, you come across as having more class and sense in your little finger than he has in his whole body.

Google a 'Parenting Plan', it might help you both find your way and cause less hassle when boundaries are put in place?

Ok so the contact happened and the kids seemed ok on their return. My H the. Said I told DD that if she gets her homework down she can come back over for an hour later if she wants? Now I am the big bad wolf as I have said no so I’ve had an hour of her shouting and screaming at me saying I’m stopping her from seeing her dad!! He would be loving this if he knew. I have said to her that we will arrange for another day in the week but today she now has stuff to get done and she can talk to him later.

Am I in the wrong?? Should I let her go again?? It’s like the control is still here! He drops it in to conversation as he casually leaves and then leaves me to deal with the fall out while he plays super dad, her attitude towards me has been awful

You need to have the conversation with him now. You cannot remain passive now that he has left. It’s time for a conversation about contact and agree the way forward. He shouldn’t in anyway have suggested an hour with him later without discussing it with you first. Personally I would have let her go this time as now she is stuck in the middle and typically mummy is the bad guy. If you can’t speak to him, email him outlining the way forward about contact and agree next steps. This ad hoc approach won’t help you or the DC move on

Op, I read your whole post and see similarities with my Ex.

On the specific situation today you may need to be sensitive to the newness and it may reassure your DD that her dad is still in her life if she feels she has the ability to see him when she wants...however that needs to be balanced with other plans. It might be best to not say "No" since that plays into his agenda of you stopping visits. Perhaps soften it to "let see how it goes with homework,you may want to chill out afterwards etc". Reality is she might forget about it once she is absorbed in her own stuff at home.

At 13 she will need help to organise her day so I tend to work back and say, bed at 9:30pm, what else needs to get done. It makes them realise that once hw is out of the way they will have very little time.

Also expect a honeymoon period with their Dad, it will be a novelty but after a while his control will come back and they will remember how he is.They may also feel sorry for him.

The similarity is that Ex was controlling in subtle ways so it crept up. He was also deeply insecure and loved the complete compliance he had when the dc were babies. He seemed like the model dad, also helping with childcare but in reflection he dipped in when it suited him and his way had to dominate.
As the dc got older and more vocal he struggled to cope with the lack of control, added to that my relationship with them grew stronger as they could relax and talk to me. Ex didn't understand it, he felt he spent time and money on the dc so if they were closer to me then it meant I had to be alienating him.
He had faulty thinking which was caused by a mixture of his ego, lack of empathy and a dose of paranoia. Over a short period of time he became more angry and did eventually move out. He is still angry and refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour so it impacts his relationship with the Dc..guess who is blamed...me.
I think he feels in some ways happier when he doesn't have to share the dc's but they are not babies and very much articulate what they want. He can't handle the normal day to day interactions of family life, especially teens who may not always been compliant. What was his childhood like?

I can't diagnose Ex or your H but qualified mental health professionals suggest its personality disorders that cause "faulty thinking" and could be NPD or BPD.

So sorry OP.

The majority of cases where men suddenly up and leave with no explanation end with an OW surfacing.

I really hope that's not the case.

Your husband should give you an explanation. You deserve more than this. And if he had any respect for you at all, if he ever loved you and if he ever cared for you, he would explain and talk to you.

I really must read further down... I'm terrible for it.

I'm So Sorry OP. I think you've been ever so calm and dignified.
Keep being dignified. It will stand up so much better in court.

Stick to plans. Your kids will most likely hate it but... in time they will see that he is raising their hopes up when he can't guarantee anything.

Maybe sit down with them and say how difficult it is for all of you. But in order to make things smoother, you must make plans and stick to them. It's not fair to disappoint them but it's equally unfair for their dad to just suddenly arrange things without discussing them with you first.

Your stbxh is clearly unstable but you... You must be their rock. Sometimes they will hate that but in the long term, they will be grateful.

Keep strong OP.

After an afternoon of hell with my daughter saying I’m stopping her from seeing dad I have agreed for her To go for an hour at 3pm today.

I feel awful, listening to her she sounded at points just like her dad, I have said to her that we will put plans in place and the contact will be regular but at fixed times to avoid this happening again.

I have said he will need to get all homework done before she goes as when she gets back she will need to have dinner, chill and a bath.

I cannot help but think that once again he has managed to achieve the same level of control and general feeling of shit even though he is not here!

Strength needed

She’s hurting and lashing out at the only person she can. Remember how scared they were of him over the last 10 weeks? That won’t have changed.

Hang in there. You can do this, I promise