Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is moving out but hasn’t said it’s over!

311 replies

Ellamorgan · 20/09/2018 21:39

I’m going to apologise in advance for the long thread but here it goes.
At the moment I am living with my husband and two children aged 11 and 13. At the end of July I asked my husband one day if we were ok, I had that feeling that you get when you know something is not right, I expected him to say yes everything was fine but my world turned upside down. Husbands response was I was going to talk to you Sunday, this was a Friday night. Needless to say I got upset and went for a walk as I knew what this meant, in the hour I was gone he told the children we we’re separating.
Fast forward 9 weeks he is due to move out in a week, we have been taking it in turns to sleep downstairs on the air bed.
I am more confused than I have ever been and really hope someone can help me understand why this is happening.
In the past 9 weeks he has refused to talk to me about anything, he has got drunk and shouted that he hates me, he has shouted that the last two and a half years have been a lie but then daily tells the children that he loves me and just can’t live with me.
I have asked him to talk to me about how we got to this stage and if this is over, Surely I deserve an explanation, he just says there is nothing to say, he wants the house sold (joint mortgage), he removed his wedding ring and has spoken about divorce, I’m devastated!!

Sorry for the long post but I’m a little lost, does this ever get any better??? Thanks in advance for sticking with this Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellamorgan · 07/10/2018 19:11

I do love him still despite all of the things he has said and done but I am no longer the niave person I was. 12 weeks ago if he had asked to come back I would have said yes, now I recognize that there are things that would need to change and it’s not as simple as going back to how we were.

If we are ever to have a future then he needs to apologize for everything he has done, then he needs to talk, openly about how we got here and agree to counselling to sort out his issues before we ever consider retrying this if ever!!

He spoke to the children during contact today about how ty would feel if we got back together!!! Really annoyed that he spoke to an 11 and 13 year old about that before we had spoken about it!!! I understand that he is finding it hard, he said he has had the worst week and has realized how much he has missed me, I just said to him that this was his choice

OP posts:
AvoidingMarking · 07/10/2018 19:16

I think it's really manipulative to say that to their kids. It means they will put pressure on you too. Of course they are going to want their parents back together!

IndieTara · 07/10/2018 19:33

Op he has not changed. He's now just manipulating the kids but he can't manipulate you!
Pls do not let him back in. You and your family will live to regret it.

A leopard does not change its spots

KataraJean · 07/10/2018 19:42

He is a shit

Butterfly44 · 07/10/2018 19:47

He has not changed. It's impossible to just a week later. No...he did this and put you through hell emotionally and calling you names. That is unforgivable. What he is missing is familiarity. It's comfortable with what you know. You'd be right back here again.
I'm concerned with the impact this is having on your kids. He sounds so controlling. Can they talk to someone?

twiglet · 07/10/2018 19:50

His behaviour still hasn't changed since 12 weeks ago and he proved that!

12 weeks ago he told your children that you were separating when you were out of the house. Fast forward he is asking your children what they would think if you got back together whilst he had contact with little to no conversation about it with you.

He can't say he's changed in that time period when his actions show the complete opposite and again complete disregard for having a discussion with you about your relationship before pulling children into it!

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/10/2018 19:51

he said he has had the worst week and has realized how much he has missed me,

Well of course. Firstly, he’s had to fend for himself outside the comfort and familiarity of the family home and secondly, and I think this is the crucial issue, he misses having a ready target to bully and abuse. Please don’t be swayed by this pity party. He has already shown you who he is and if you let him back now, believe me he will quickly revert to the unpleasant fucker he really is.

floppyearsandtail · 07/10/2018 19:52

Has his OW binned him off and he's come crawling back to you OP?

CottonTailRabbit · 07/10/2018 19:55

Maybe OW is wavering on leaving her husband.

blueangel1 · 07/10/2018 20:14

It's despicable for him to use your children in this way. That is all.

Starlight345 · 07/10/2018 20:27

I would never let that man in the house again near my kids. If you don’t see how he has manipulated you it is very clear how he manipulates your children

Observatorycrest · 07/10/2018 20:37

I think you need to re read this thread to remind yourself how truly awful and abusive he has been to you. I have no idea why you would ever want to even consider letting this man back into your life. He is still in control and the fact that he felt able to hug you and kiss you and ask the DC how they would feel if you got back together is truly disgusting. He has no respect for you and thinks he can just walk back in and continue as if nothing ever happened. He is emotionally abusing your DC too

Honeyroar · 07/10/2018 20:40

Don't left him play you!

He's not in control anymore, you're suddenly strong and on your own feet and he can't call the shots, so he's not liking it. He hasn't changed at all, he's told the children without speaking to you (still not showing an ounce of thought or respect to you or the children, just steamrolling on in the way he wants things).

You think you still love him. You're just missing the illusion of what he was before all this blew up. How can you possibly get that back after all this nastiness?? Of all the break up stories that have been on Mumsnet recently he is one of the most selfish, horrible men. He has been vile, despite you being incredibly calm and dignified. I don't know you but I'd be gutted to read you've got back with him. You'd just started to get back on your feet, don't let him kick you down. How could he ever apologise and make up for this awful behaviour that was prolonged and cruel? It would just be more lies to suit himself. You can do way better than this man.

KriswithaK · 07/10/2018 22:21

Is he missing you or what you do?

crimsonlake · 07/10/2018 22:27

Why are you letting him see the children in the family home he has left? Next time he comes, you answer the door or better still he waits in the car until they are ready to go out to him, you need to set down boundaries. I have the feeling that he has realised the grass is not always greener and possibly the other woman no longer wants him. As others have said, please re read your posts to remind yourself how truly nasty he has been to you and the children and what he has put you through these past weeks. Ask yourself this question, you might believe you still love him, but do you actually still like him? Like is more important than love.

Miggeldy · 07/10/2018 23:02

Sound like you are going to take him back which is very dismaying.

The ow must have ditched him and he needs his home comforts and, most importantly, to get his leg over.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/10/2018 23:49

Remember him muttering under his breath about what a spiteful cunt you are, how much he hates you; how he couldn't even bring himself to tell you he was leaving you and just arranged everything. How he's basically sold his assets for a quid to try and keep them out of your hands, putting yours and your children's home at risk.

I'm glad he's sad OP. It gladdens my heart that he's now regretting his decisions.

Please don't let him back.

Doingreat · 08/10/2018 05:56

Another poster saying I can't imagine why you would ever want to let him come back. He has treated you abominably for weeks and weeks. He hates you, remember? He keeps telling your kids things without consulting you, such as he's moving out. Now he's told them he might move back in! Does this sound like someone who is capable of having a respectful mature relationship with you?
Why on earth are you feeling sorry for him?

auntyflonono · 08/10/2018 07:26

Stay strong OP!

oatmilk4breakfast · 08/10/2018 07:29

He sounds incoherent - I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

oatmilk4breakfast · 08/10/2018 07:29
Flowers
StormTreader · 08/10/2018 15:29

Hes spoken to his solicitor finally and had a nasty shock at how much you're entitled to, so now hes trying to crawl back.

Dhalandchips · 08/10/2018 18:24

Stick to your guns! You are stronger than you think. He has behaved horribly and continues to do so. He doesn't deserve you. I'm worried for the kids. He's a horror.

Bigboobiebish · 11/10/2018 10:50

How you getting on OP?

crimsonlake · 11/10/2018 14:22

I have this sinking feeling that OP has taken him back, hence the silence.

Swipe left for the next trending thread