Feel so heartbroken today

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I’m away working very far from home - I’ve been away since the 11th. Home tomorrow.

Back story: stbx cheated on me twice. Second time round I’m asking him to leave but we are being amicable and living together at the moment and seeing a therapist.

The whole time I’ve been away he’s not messaged me to ask me how I’m doing or say he misses me or anything like that. Obviously I’ve Skyped every day to speak to DD but that’s been my only contact with him.

He’s been sleeping in my —our— bed while I’m away and that’s ok because he’s on a camp bed the rest of the time since I confronted him about OW.

But I wanted to check he would vacate my —our— bedroom on my return.

So I messaged him today and I asked if he had spent any time in my absence thinking about how we’re going to move forwards when I’m back.

He replied one word - yes.

So I took the bait and said, is there anything I should know? He never ducking answers a question directly. He’s a ducking liar.

He wrote that because DD has been so badly behaved while I’m away he thinks we really need a strong and stable home setting for her and he is willing to commit to building a strong family unit.

He has not authentically made me feel he loves me or wants me for so long. I can’t remember. He’s so far so selfish and self centred I can’t stand him anymore. I can feel an empty pain in my stomach thinking about all this and I think I must be heartbroken. After a week of not drinking (I’m in a country where women don’t drink) I’ve smuggled a bottle of wine into my hotel room and I’m wellying in.

I must finally have come out of denial about all this. I feel I must go home and try and get him out of the house so I can build a happy home for DD not just a fecking stable one.

I feel awful though. So sad. I think I’m going to have to get a lawyer and make it real for him.

How do I get past this stage? It’s horrible.

Those dashes are meant to be strike throughs. For comedy. Because I make tinkly little jokes even when my stomach feels like it’s fallen out.

How do you get past this stage? By seeing a lawyer and getting the ball rolling, and telling yourself that every new day is a day further away from all the sh*t HE has created.

You can (and will) create a happy home for your DD. Keep that thought in your head. Focus on how life will look a year on from now. Different for sure - but peaceful and happy.

And in the meantime get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of another. There is light at the end of the tunnel and every new morning and every step will bring you closer to it.

So he wants to stay together?
And probably fuck the OW on the side? But as long as you have a strong a stable unit then that’s ok?
Sounds like a dream for him!

Thanks Ratherberiding I cried a wee bit reading that.

Holdingonbarely damn right, because ‘really she’s a friend more than anything.’ I know for a fact they are still messaging.

But according to him I’m the one who wants to break this family up.

Him blaming you is just another wake up call for you OP, the main is a self centred cheating liar, surely that tells you everything, he wants a stable life for himself more like so he can carry on having his cake and taking the complete piss out of you and his child, wise up.

Nope - HE broke up the family when he trounced all over his wedding vows! TWICE (at least)
He can get to fuck.
Well done on realising you can't stay with a liar and a cheat.
And the fact he's still in contact with her tells you all you need to know about how much he respects you!!!

Adora10 yes. I guess I was hopeful he would be honest with me and actually say that it’s over. I want him to finish with me. He’s so manipulative I realise he can’t admit to it. And he wants his cake and to eat it.

Hellsbells if you count the first shocker it’s taken me almost 4 years to get to this point. I guess I was very trusting before and it’s taken me this long to see that leopards don’t change their spots.

I was waiting for him to throw himself on me and say he’s sorry and that he loves me. And reel off all those fun things we did together when I still believed in him and I was blissfully unaware and in love with him.

I’m now realising that’s not going to happen.

I’m so sad.

He can never admit to his wrongdoing. This affair was due to me not wanting to have sex with him because I never really relaxed after the last affair.

I nearly left him a couple of times. I packed my bag and phoned my mum but she said you can’t leave your child and your own home. So here I stay.

I do need a lawyer. Even just for some back up advice.

Get some legal advice ASAP.
He doesn’t care about you. He cares about the idea of a family unit, but not really about a family unit because otherwise he would not have jeopardised it.
He just wants you to be a business partner who doesn’t mind that he has his own life on the side. Now perhaps some people are happy with that. But it’s clear that’s not what you want.
You’re child is playing up at the moment, which means she’s expressing feelings about how the atmosphere in the household is (I am guessing)
This man is an epic areshole. And you deserve better.

He can never admit to his wrongdoing. This affair was due to me not wanting to have sex with him because I never really relaxed after the last affair.

Because he wants to continue to be a lying cheating scumbag and for you to shut up again, you've caught him twice having an affair, do you really want to hang around for the third, and this is what you found out, imagine there's even more scummy behaviour.

Also, your daughter misbehaving is probably down to him being an arsehole of a person; so yeah, do as you say above, get rid and build a happy and safe and secure environment for you and your child; this man will bring you nothing but misery, humiliation and control; is that really the life you want for yourself, never mind your poor daughter.

I am still very much taken aback that he hasn’t just moved out. But then I read of their men that have done much worse than mine who still stay and control and guilt trip their wives.

I know I’m in a strong position. He has everything to lose. I don’t think he realises it. I think that’s why I’ve been holding back to see if he’ll do the honourable thing. Also because I’ve been lying to myself about how easy it could be to become happy co-parents of our wonderful DD.

Adora he isn’t very good with her when it comes to discipline. He’s not consistent with her so she doesn’t know if she’s coming or going. The trouble she’s been in while I’m away has been because she’s not understood what she’s done wrong whereas he’s been saying the punishment wasn’t strong enough.

Makes me panicky being so far away.

I know I don't know for sure OP but my sister raised her son with a similar husband and he turned out with so many issues; I raised mine on my own, with pretty much zero issues; we underestimate the affect negativity has on our kids, and it stays with them well into adult hood and ruins their life decisions; seriously, best thing you can do for you and her is have a life without him; he sounds awful.

Honourable thing? If he had a shred of respect for your OP he'd have gone, funny he's still hanging around, guilt tripping you about your child when it's him confusing her and wanting to carry on his life on the side with other women, time to get rid!!

She’s learning from him that it’s ok to be rude to me. It’s ok to interrupt me. It’s ok to ignore what I said. There’s been so little spontaneous affection between me and him she isn’t seeing people who love and respect each other.

There’s so many other fixable problems to do with wife work but I just can’t fix how I feel about his infidelity. I need to find a way to communicate that to him.

I told all my friends irl what he did - to make it real. Now they alll know what he’s done I can’t put that genie back in the bottle. So I think subconsciously I wanted to make sure it was over. Next step find a lawyer.

He let the genie out OP, not you.

You sound highly intelligent, reward yourself with an equal partner, there is no trust, no relationship, well there is but it's a pretty poor one isn't it...

Good luck, lean on your family and friends now, they will probably agree with you.

Thanks Adora - I do have a good support network irl although they are all a bit surpass I haven’t thrown his stuff out of the windows by now!! I keep getting messages saying what’s happening and I’m saying, nothing doing! I get it now! I’m slow on the uptake in some respects!

Surpass? Surprised!

If you have been away and left your dd with him be careful that he doesn't play "the main carer roll"! Which is also something you need to consider if you leave the house to live else where but dont take your child with you. I know im sounding cold hearten but if you have always been the main carer and want to continue that roll, you need to be careful that it doesn't look any different than that, esp if hes controlling. My stbxh has tried some dirty ass stuff, one being telling the court he got the children up most morning and put them to bed most evenings!. Yes he did when he was home but frankly he wasnt often home, he was too busy doing what the hell he wanted to do!!
Get a good solicitor the best you can afford, mine has done well for me in every aspect. She also understands what a controlling and difficult man he is, this knowledge is golden! Feel free to pm me.

OP I could have written a very similar thread 12 years ago when I too was forced to ask my ex to leave.
I managed to work and raise perfect children (ok I'm biased) pretty much on my own. I met my DH and we are so happy.
It is hard but a better life is waiting for you, keep going.

Thanks allittlebitshit yes that has been on my mind. I earn more than double so I’m in the ‘man’ position (another issue) - but I do school drop off and pick up most days ( he says his work don’t allow any flexibility for parents whatsoever )

I have been warned he could play that card and also claim maintenance from me. Perhaps I’m wrong but one reason I have held back from going at him all guns blazing with a lawyer is I know I’d wipe the floor with him. He’s useless at this stuff.

PS I hate that I just wrote that down. I sound horrible.

villagelifer thank you - I need positive stories like this. I’m glad it’s worked for you and the other lovely MNers on this thread.

If he climes to be the main carer the courts will look more favourably on him financially as he will need to house the child. You could end up with less then half of the assets because of this. It really does have a knock on effect.
Is the house mortgaged and is the mortgage in both your names? This will be seen as the family home and ideally a place for your child to live with who ever the main carer is.
Theres so much to think about there really is!!My stbxh thought i would be shit at all this, he thought i wouldn't cope by myself!! The satisfaction of him taking me to court and me walking all over him was beyond satisfying!! Loved it!! He was and continues to be abusive and generally aggressive to me, presumably cos things didnt turn out as he had expected!

I don’t think he’d want the responsibility tbh. He whines if I ask him to take her to a birthday party or swimming lesson. When I go away he insists I hire help to take & pick her up from school and look after her till he gets home. I’ve got loads of evidence he’s not the best carer. Fun dad for a couple of hours. But day in day out? I think he’d rather see me doing it all and he keeps having fun at the park. I could be wrong though!

House is mortgaged in both our names. We are not married.