Feel so heartbroken today

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I’m away working very far from home - I’ve been away since the 11th. Home tomorrow.

Back story: stbx cheated on me twice. Second time round I’m asking him to leave but we are being amicable and living together at the moment and seeing a therapist.

The whole time I’ve been away he’s not messaged me to ask me how I’m doing or say he misses me or anything like that. Obviously I’ve Skyped every day to speak to DD but that’s been my only contact with him.

He’s been sleeping in my —our— bed while I’m away and that’s ok because he’s on a camp bed the rest of the time since I confronted him about OW.

But I wanted to check he would vacate my —our— bedroom on my return.

So I messaged him today and I asked if he had spent any time in my absence thinking about how we’re going to move forwards when I’m back.

He replied one word - yes.

So I took the bait and said, is there anything I should know? He never ducking answers a question directly. He’s a ducking liar.

He wrote that because DD has been so badly behaved while I’m away he thinks we really need a strong and stable home setting for her and he is willing to commit to building a strong family unit.

He has not authentically made me feel he loves me or wants me for so long. I can’t remember. He’s so far so selfish and self centred I can’t stand him anymore. I can feel an empty pain in my stomach thinking about all this and I think I must be heartbroken. After a week of not drinking (I’m in a country where women don’t drink) I’ve smuggled a bottle of wine into my hotel room and I’m wellying in.

I must finally have come out of denial about all this. I feel I must go home and try and get him out of the house so I can build a happy home for DD not just a fecking stable one.

I feel awful though. So sad. I think I’m going to have to get a lawyer and make it real for him.

How do I get past this stage? It’s horrible.

Make sure you keep evidence that he’s not taking on full parenting responsibilities.
But to be honest, most men fight to not leave and then once they do they funnily enough can’t really be bothered with the full responsibility stuff.

In your case I would say it was ok you’re not married as you’re the higher earner. No messy divorce. Though it might mean selling the house.
I wouldn’t worry too much about that, a lot of women seem to think having the “home” is a good reason to stay in a shitty relationship as the kids are happy there, but most kids will adapt to a new home easily especially if it’s a happier home.

Remember he is NOT your friend, he will not help you and he will probably be difficult. So don’t go around thinking he’s going to be a nice guy.

This is the worst bit done. The bit where he cheats, but still doesn't care how much it hurt you, and doesn't come running back saying how wrong he's was and how he wants to save what you have. You're right that it's heartbreaking, it really is. You've felt at your most raw and painful.

But now it gets better. You are gathering your strength, you are focusing on your future and you have the hope of building a much nicer life for you and your daughter.

For him the worst may be yet to come. It may hit him and he'll realise all that he's lost. Or he might not - he may be one of those men that just seems to never care (that's frustrating but also validating in the sense of 'thankgoodness I escaped that').

Either way, your life is on the up and his is at best bumbling on in cold heartlessness.

Holdingonbarely - thanks that is reassuring. To be honest I am not overly attached to the house as we were never happy in it. We moved here when we were making our last ‘fresh start.’ So I wouldn’t really mind getting me and DD into a nice little flat somewhere. Or a house in the countryside near some of my relatives who really want us nearby!

Sleepwarrior - thanks also, this is comforting. I hope I can make it true.

Argh I am on the other side of the world and it’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep thinking about this.

I just want to say all the organising will help you, but be aware of your feelings. It will be up and down. But keep positing, we are all here to support you! It might not be real life. But many of us have been through this xx

This is the worst bit done. The bit where he cheats, but still doesn't care how much it hurt you, and doesn't come running back saying how wrong he's was and how he wants to save what you have. You're right that it's heartbreaking, it really is. You've felt at your most raw and painful

But now it gets better. You are gathering your strength, you are focusing on your future and you have the hope of building a much nicer life for you and your daughter

Wise words.

He’s just written me a note to say

I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for doing what I’ve done. It was wrong, selfish and hurtful.

I want to do whatever it takes to repair and strengthen our relationship. I want you. I want to support you and be with you. I want to go on adventures and do fun things with you and DD as a family.

I’m all in. Let’s work together as a team, to make the team work again. I want to grow and prosper with you. I love you. I don’t want to lose you.

He’s never said anything like that. What should I make of it?

He’s done this twice
Never forget that
Once, perhaps I would say forgive. Only you know the truth really.
IF you want to go on his words in this note, then do remember some things.

Words are cheap Listen to someone’s actions not words. It will become very apparent very quickly if he really means what he says.

but I just can’t fix how I feel about his infidelity. I need to find a way to communicate that to him

It's pretty obvious how you do that - you see a solicitor .

You also say that this affair happened because you won't have sex with him due to his previous affair ? This is not kind of relationship you want to be in . It's time to call it a day . I know someone who is like this - he has cheated on every partner he has ever had and will continue to do so - you don't want to be with a man like that .

He’s never said anything like that. What should I make of it?
He's now realising you are respecting yourself.
That you won't put up with this bullshit anymore.
He's losing his meal-ticket.
He will do what ever it takes not to lose that.
But he's a liar and a cheat and there's nothing he can say that can change that.

A quote I put on here a lot:-

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

My head says I should end it once and for all and my heart says try again.

I hate feeling so ambivalent. Because he never has said anything like that. Not even in the good times. He’s never been verbose or romantic. I don’t know where this has come from. I’m at the airport now. I’ll be home tomorrow. I told him nothing except we’d talk when I got back. Lots of time on long haul flight to think.

He knows you love him. Personally I think it’s a very manipulative message. I have been there and you end up believing things purely because you want to believe them. Took me another 2 years to realise it wasn’t the truth and the words meant nothing other than to keep me stuck in a shitty situation. But that was my life not yours.
Good luck with whatever you do, don’t go in blind though

That’s what I suspect holdingon.

He just doesn't want to be the one know for ending your relationship.
He did that though when his penis fell into another woman.
Accepting his apology is a green light to cheat again.
Ltb.

Ltb.

I think he has to leave me. But so far he’s refused!

He’s cheated on you twice, just remember that bit....

You are the primary career for your dd and the main bread winner, remember that bit too....

So what would he be left with if you decided it was over?

I’m afraid that now you’ve started to show signs of strength, all be it small ones, he’s realising he’s losing control and will have realised what he’s likely to lose. So is now ramping up the emotional control. He knows you love him and he’s using that. This behaviour will last as long as he needs it to. Once you’ve been reeled back in, it will be back to normal for him.

Your dd can easily have a stable home with you and without him.

And he says hes all in hopefully you’ll go back and tell him youre all out

He's done it twice, he is showing no remorse, he is still in contact with her. He will have seen her whilst you are away. Why are you doing this OP? You are and intelligent and capable woman. The main earner and the main carer. Come on? What would you tell a friend in your position? If you separate your life will be easier and calmer.

You know what you need to do.

I’m guessing the OW has dumped him? Forget the messages and any proclamations of trying. What has he actually done since the affairs to make you feel loved and that he’s truly sorry? Nothing. One quick message written to pacify you because he knows he’s hanging by a thread. You know you deserve better. Not just one affair but more than one? What help/steps has he taken to work on himself since the affairs? What personal progress has he made? None. How much counselling has he had to sort himself out? A friend of mine went through this with her DH and he had 18 months of weekly sessions before she took him back. At the very least I would demand he leaves, seeks counselling and you revisit the marriage in 6 months once you have proof that he is serious and committed to change. If you push this aside and he does no “work” then he’s just going to do it again.
Be firm.
No more.

At the very least I would demand he leaves, seeks counselling and you revisit the marriage in 6 months once you have proof that he is serious and committed to change.

I think this is what I’m going to do. I don’t know about the OW. I don’t think she’s dumped him because afaik she’s been messaging him up until I went on my business trip last week. He’s insistent they are really good friends who accidentally shagged a couple of times.

Before all this started he was lots of fun. Like years ago. Since DD was born he’s been so depressed and not like himself. I’d like to give him a chance to have some kind of therapy to deal with his demons. His parents were very cruel to him and he’s never faced up to that.

Aww didums, he's scared he's going to lose his cushy life and his fake family front; twice a cheat that you know of, probably a lot more OP, sorry to be blunt but that message is crap, work as a team, is that what he has been doing, he's making his incontinency to be faithful to you a joint problem, it isn't, more fool you if you give him a 3rd chance, once he has got you fooled, he'll be back to his old ways again.

Sorry but no consequence = carry on taking the piss.

He’s insistent they are really good friends who accidentally shagged a couple of times.

So, still in denial that he's a lying untrustworthy dirty shit.

You don't have to end it for good but please dear god get him out for now; give him a bloody consequence, he's shat all over you and your child.

You don't have to end it for good but please dear god get him out for now; give him a bloody consequence, he's shat all over you and your child.

I will. I feel like he has a chip missing, he can’t empathise. I don’t think he can face much of his past. I do think that if he did all that he could be a good partner. But it will be a lot of work and I don’t know if he has it in him. We shall see. It feels like he’s stopped blaming me which might be progress.

I'm so sorry OP.

He didn't message you saying he missed you because he didn't maybe?

You move forward with divorce. You deserve better than this.

He didn't message you saying he missed you because he didn't maybe?

TBF I didn’t miss him much either. I’ve been in a place he’s always wanted to visit and I felt sad about that.