Feel so heartbroken today

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I’m away working very far from home - I’ve been away since the 11th. Home tomorrow.

Back story: stbx cheated on me twice. Second time round I’m asking him to leave but we are being amicable and living together at the moment and seeing a therapist.

The whole time I’ve been away he’s not messaged me to ask me how I’m doing or say he misses me or anything like that. Obviously I’ve Skyped every day to speak to DD but that’s been my only contact with him.

He’s been sleeping in my —our— bed while I’m away and that’s ok because he’s on a camp bed the rest of the time since I confronted him about OW.

But I wanted to check he would vacate my —our— bedroom on my return.

So I messaged him today and I asked if he had spent any time in my absence thinking about how we’re going to move forwards when I’m back.

He replied one word - yes.

So I took the bait and said, is there anything I should know? He never ducking answers a question directly. He’s a ducking liar.

He wrote that because DD has been so badly behaved while I’m away he thinks we really need a strong and stable home setting for her and he is willing to commit to building a strong family unit.

He has not authentically made me feel he loves me or wants me for so long. I can’t remember. He’s so far so selfish and self centred I can’t stand him anymore. I can feel an empty pain in my stomach thinking about all this and I think I must be heartbroken. After a week of not drinking (I’m in a country where women don’t drink) I’ve smuggled a bottle of wine into my hotel room and I’m wellying in.

I must finally have come out of denial about all this. I feel I must go home and try and get him out of the house so I can build a happy home for DD not just a fecking stable one.

I feel awful though. So sad. I think I’m going to have to get a lawyer and make it real for him.

How do I get past this stage? It’s horrible.

Thanks Citrus - yes I’m half expecting the o my way to get him out will be to rent him a flat myself and pay the first few months rent!!

Not o my way, only way! Weird autocorrect.

I’m glad it was better for you once you were without your ex. I think I’ll be better off too.

He’s never said anything like that. What should I make of it?

Actions speak louder than words.

Is he prepared to put the hard work in to rebuild your trust?

I don't think he really understands your pain.

Perhaps that would be a starting point.
A really useful place for wayward partners is www.survivinginfidelity.com

Just a read in the wayward and JFO threads will help him gain insight.

His words sound good...but talk is cheap and you need more than that after 2 times.

Something I say to betrayed partners to ask of the cheater is this

"If I had cheated and betrayed you in this way, what you you need from me to convince you I was worthy of a second (or third) chance. What would convince you that I loved you and wouldn't betray you again"

Let him think about that.

That’s helpful sandyy2k - I really identify with the long article for wayward partners. I do believe he has no idea how I feel.

Oh my god I hurt so much today. Empty and raw insides.

I begged him to move out today. He says that’s not a good idea, that if we are to work things out we need to spend more time together, not less. He’s going to make me hate him. He’s torturing me. How can I get him to move out?

He’s doing this on purpose. It is to torture you. Get yourself to a lawyer tomorrow.
Do not seem weak. Even if you feel weak.
God he’s a piece of work.

And just say repeatedly
I don’t want to work things out. I want this to end over and over and over. Whatever he says to you

I don’t want to work things out. I want this to end over and over and over. Whatever he says to you

He says to me ‘How can you be so sure?’

He said to me I was being negative because I said we should think about selling the flat.

He said he didn’t want a relationship with me behaving this way - he wanted me to be ‘nice’ again.

I am going to start hating him and I didn’t want to.

Perhaps you do need to hate how he has behaved toward you and the DC? You gave him a 2nd chance and he threw it away like it was nothing!

OP i think you are very much focussed on what he is saying to you.

Essentially words mean nothing. Feelings mean nothing. All that counts is actions, and behaviour. That’s all you can go by.

Randommess - yes! I am disgusted he’s the kind of man who puts himself first and has had affairs with 2 women who are married with kids. He’s put 3 families at risk.

Chestylarue - he doesn’t say very much unless I ask him to talk to me. I keep expecting him to be honest with me and he’s not.

I spent a lot of last night awake wondering whether I could move out with DD. He can’t afford our home on his own. I know I can’t take DD away from him but it’s beginning to feel like the only way that I can get away from him.

I think you need have some stock phrases as narrative and go grey rock.

EG

"You have been unfaithful and you knew that was a deal breaker if you did it again. You are being unfair on DD you chose to end this relationship by having and affair and now you want DD and I to live in a toxic atmosphere rather than have the decency to leave."

Chose your words as appropriate and then stick to him.

Any "your breaking up the family/taking DD away" just respond with the same reply.

As in "You chose this when you got your dick out your pants and into someone else AGAIN" start putting the responsibility back on his behaviour/him and shut down him passing the buck into you

You could move out. But you would still be liable for the mortgage if your name is on it.

Perhaps move out temporarily, to a friends or to family.
He might just get the message then and know it’s not worth fighting

Paying the deposit and first months rent on a flat for him isn't a bad way to get him out, if he doesn't have the money to do it himself IMO. Just don't expect the money back, see it as an investment in your own future. Shouldn't have to, but I know that's a strategy that has worked for a friend of mine after two years of her ex not moving out. It's heartbreaking that every month she's chasing him for money back (he owes her £8k), she can't move on.

I begged him to move out today. He says that’s not a good idea, that if we are to work things out we need to spend more time together, not less. He’s going to make me hate him. He’s torturing me. How can I get him to move out?

Don't beg him. Tell him he's moving out. Tell him it's over, there is nothing to work out, nothing to fix. It's over and he is moving out. Grey rock.

He tried to kiss me last night and this morning. In front of DD. She doesn’t know anything yet (except he’s been on the couch since July.)

He is so out of order!!

Perhaps you can text and email a very short "it's over" message then keep using the same script.

I would include "your unfaithfulness has killed my feelings for you, it's over, you need to move out"

Update... we had a counselling session on Thursday and stbx seems to have understood it’s time to calm it a day. At last.

He drove me a bit mad in the session saying he was being really patient with me, tolerant etc. I got really angry and the counsellor was supportive of the new dynamic. Normally I don’t really stand up for myself.

Also he said something I said was ‘trivial’ and the counsellor reprimanded him for it, said that if it was important to me then it wasn’t trivial. I silently cheered!

So I’ve put seeing a lawyer this week on hold - but I have one lined up if I don’t see progress as far as moving out goes. We’re back at the counsellor again this week so hopefully we can start agreeing how we are going to move forward.

I just had an argument with him about how he’s not made any appointments to see flats yet and he is like ‘why are you kicking me when I am down?’ I said exactly how is asking you that kicking you when you are down?

He’s such a child. I don’t see why I didn’t see all this terrible behaviour before. He’s awful. I really am starting to despise him.

(waves pompoms) You sound so strong OP! Good for you, I hope these are the first steps towards a happy new future for you.

Thanks wasnotwas - I also told a friend about it today. I’ve told a lot of ‘my friends’ already - but this one is married to one of stbx’s friends. Stbx has not told anyone we are breaking up afaik.

Anyway said friend was so lovely to me. I didn’t say why we were breaking up - but she was very sympathetic. Maybe she thinks he’s a childish selfish asshole anyway?

Two weeks on update. Nothing much has changed. I was thinking about going to a lawyer. Going in all guns blazing. I need to make a will to be practical.

We went to counselling today. We are still talking about the fact that I think it’s over whereas he thinks it is salvageable.

When we got home he said he actually feels like a piece of crap but the way he said it I actually said what do you want me to do about that and he said nothing.

He has promised DD he will take her away for half term. She’s been telling everyone she’s going on holiday but he hasn’t booked anything. I’m saying don’t tell her yes unless you can commit to it. He’s such an asshole.

He says he’s hopeless because he can’t even find a place to live or book a holiday. I say can I help in any way. He says no.

So we are still living together. It is very unsatisfactory. Although mostly good for my health as I’ve hardly been drinking and I go to bed v early every night. Apart from tonight - I’ve just been to the pub with my dad. My dad thinks I’m being too nice.

Please just go and see a lawyer and get the separation in motion. Stop avoiding conflict and trying to find a way to do it without upsetting him.

Also get your own individual therapy, and deal with the fact that due to the fact you are married to a probable sociopath who doesn't give two shits about you, your own sense of what is normal has become completely warped. Yes he is pathetic but he will survive, believe me.

My mother did exactly what you are now doing after she finally announced she was leaving my father. Let me tell you the messing about and delaying and denial and thinking she could have some kind of amicable separation (she couldn't, of course, and ended up in the conflict lawyered up situation she had been trying to avoid), was by far the most painful and hideous part of the whole situation and made it all needlessly drag on for quite a few more years than it needed to.

Address your own role in perpetuating this messed up family system you have for your daughter if no-one else.

99redballoons is this what it is? I’m reacting against my own childhood experience of parents who got so angry they haven’t had a conversation since 1989 and spent thousands with lawyers. I don’t want that for my DD either. Me and my sister have dreaded occasions like graduations and funerals where they mighty have to be in the same building.

ExP shares the ownership of this flat with me so legally I can’t kick him out.

I want him out but I really can’t see what a lawyer would do for me.

Oh interesting! I imagine that's playing into it.

At the moment you're stuck in a situation you don't want to be in because he won't cooperate and play nicely so I don't see how you can make any progress without at least consulting a lawyer.

You don't have to tell him you are speaking to one. Can you just go and at least have one meeting with a nice life experienced late middle aged female lawyer who can hold your hand through this and explain your rights and give you some kind of framework to get him out of your hair?

And it definitely sounds like a similarly profiled psychotherapist could help too....