Feel so heartbroken today

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I’m away working very far from home - I’ve been away since the 11th. Home tomorrow.

Back story: stbx cheated on me twice. Second time round I’m asking him to leave but we are being amicable and living together at the moment and seeing a therapist.

The whole time I’ve been away he’s not messaged me to ask me how I’m doing or say he misses me or anything like that. Obviously I’ve Skyped every day to speak to DD but that’s been my only contact with him.

He’s been sleeping in my —our— bed while I’m away and that’s ok because he’s on a camp bed the rest of the time since I confronted him about OW.

But I wanted to check he would vacate my —our— bedroom on my return.

So I messaged him today and I asked if he had spent any time in my absence thinking about how we’re going to move forwards when I’m back.

He replied one word - yes.

So I took the bait and said, is there anything I should know? He never ducking answers a question directly. He’s a ducking liar.

He wrote that because DD has been so badly behaved while I’m away he thinks we really need a strong and stable home setting for her and he is willing to commit to building a strong family unit.

He has not authentically made me feel he loves me or wants me for so long. I can’t remember. He’s so far so selfish and self centred I can’t stand him anymore. I can feel an empty pain in my stomach thinking about all this and I think I must be heartbroken. After a week of not drinking (I’m in a country where women don’t drink) I’ve smuggled a bottle of wine into my hotel room and I’m wellying in.

I must finally have come out of denial about all this. I feel I must go home and try and get him out of the house so I can build a happy home for DD not just a fecking stable one.

I feel awful though. So sad. I think I’m going to have to get a lawyer and make it real for him.

How do I get past this stage? It’s horrible.

Focus on you, your DD and your new life shape sohard he sounds like he can't deal with realities until they're certainties. Well done for taking action, I hope you get what you need from the house sale.

Thanks wasnotwasweregood

It’s strange because his future with me and dd was certain. The thing I don’t understand is why he was so unhappy with me and couldn’t put the energy he had for his affair into making our relationship and family strong.

It still feels like such a waste. I’m tidying the house for the estate agents valuation tomorrow and feeling sad. It’s a nice house. I know it’s just a building but we’d said it was our forever home.

Op, it’s clear that you have a strong understanding of your emotions and of your relative strength in this situation.

Does your job require you to travel very regularly and if yes, can you have a chat at work to dial it down for a few months? You need to frame your ‘stable future’ for your child in terms that are watertight and minimize his opportunities to flake out. You are not married, correct? Your daughter is your next of kin for inheritance: you mentioned your will a few times. A will is important but is priority number 3 or 4 right now. Focus on priority number one: a stable home for you and your DD, without him.

snipsnip thanks that’s a very helpful and timely comment.

I have two short trips to do before Xmas and I am hoping to make those sample ‘dad contact days’. After that yes, I will limit the travel as much as I can.

I actually told work what was going on with me yesterday. Their response was so lovely I cried. They said they completely had my back. So travelling less will be ok.

PS the will thing is more because we never had one. He wouldn’t talk about it because he won’t talk about death. Absolutely refuses.

He's a total head in the sand nightmare isn't he?

Get your will sorted simply because that's a sensible thing to do.

He's not going to grasp any nettles. You are going to have to.

Keep going op, you're doing great 

He's a total head in the sand nightmare isn't he?

Text book passive aggressive. Everything I do he then says he didn’t want to happen. It’s easy to blame everything on me.

Sohard i've read your thread and a couple of your comments stood out as it felt like you were doing what I did when my marriage broke down a few years ago.

You said you want to get your STBEX to realise what he is giving up with you and your DD. 1. he will NEVER realise this - he is too self centred. 2. Bearing in mind point 1 - it is not your responsibility or duty to help him see what he is losing. He needs to make those mistakes himself. As your daughter gets older she will see for herself what a dick he is and how he puts himself before her.

You also mentioned that you couldn't understand why he wasn't happy with you. You will never know this. Its really hard to do, especially on top of everything else you're doing and being so strong, but you need to try and stop thinking about it. He wasn't happy with you because he is a self centred idiot who couldn't cope with being a dad and not being no. 1 for your attentions. Thats why he went with other women,

You will get through this - you will have strong days and days when you want to hide from the world - but you will get through it and you will be stronger and more stable than ever before.

Thanks Blobby10

We told DD we are separating tonight. She is 6.

She was sad but also had lots of questions and suggestions about how things are going to be. She was satisfied with things like she can have a cat in the new house and a trampoline if there is a garden etc.

Less satisfied with our/my answers to why we are breaking up in the first place. I said a lot of rubbish about some adults just can’t be together forever. I said cringey things like ‘you’ll understand when you are a grown up.’

Luckily she is smart and she just kept asking why... I wish I had a better answer for her.

She was sad later so I cuddled her until she fell asleep.

I am sad now. I hate EXP right now. That’s ok because he hates me too.

Bless you OP.
It's horrible having to tell DC.
She will have some really down days about at all this but just let her know you will be there for her if she wants to talk or to just sit and hug.
My DD was 10 but she knew.
You can explain more to your DD when she is older.
Well done - and keep going!

Me: Did you sign that identity thing for the estate agents today?
Him: No I didn’t have time.
Me: it only takes 5 minutes
Him: Well I didn’t know that.
Me: are you going to sign it?
Him: yes.
Me: when?
Him: maybe I’ll do it tomorrow.
Me: you need to sign it or they won’t book the surveyor.
Him: are you asking me to do it today?
Me: I would like you to do it today.

This is basically the conversation I’ve been having with him for nearly 10 years.

It’s very sad having to have the conversation, and as long as you are consistent and gentle, she will have reassurance from you at least. So when you make your ‘watertight’ (as I referred to earlier) plans, then she will know what to expect.

I know from experience it’s very difficult to deal with someone who is inconsistent, so you will have to double down on your clarity with your daughter. You will inevitably end up doing the donkey work to include ‘admin-ing’ the care for your daughter when you travel, eg writing out timetable, leaving a meal plan - not for him but for her to feel secure.

I’m glad work was understanding. In due course, inform school, and if appropriate parents of your daughter’s friends in case you need an emergency back up or support. It is all about galvanizing your stable home, work and friendship network at this time, putting you and your daughter front and centre

I hope everyone doesn’t mind me journaling here...

Feeling heartbroken again today. The house went up for sale this morning and we already have some viewings confirmed.

Me and and DD have been house hunting together and giving all the houses scores like on Strictly.

I keep having flashbacks to a day I went out with exP. It was a week before I confronted him about the affair. I was riding a new bike and a bit uncertain on it. He kept disappearing off ahead but it was a route I’d never taken. He was getting really frustrated with me, yelling at me that I was supposed to be enjoying myself.

I kept comparing it in my mind with riding with a friend who’s a really talented sportsperson but never leaves me behind - keeps to my side and never stops encouraging me.

ExP used to be more like that but he’s changed. He’s become so mean and closed off and impatient. I know he doesn’t like me much. I know he hates himself more.

I can’t wait to not live with him anymore. He won’t dump his stuff on my bed anymore or spray his horrible deodorant in my bedroom. I wo t have to wash his clothes anymore or deal with his moods.

I still feel like my body is empty in the middle though. Is this because I’m really accepting reality now?

ExP is being especially unpleasant at the moment. Last night I was getting DD ready for bed and I have her a pen to finish a quiz in her comic after her story. Once she was in bed she was being annoying, shouting for me to come and help her with the quiz. I told her to stop and put the comic away and I’d help her tomorrow. The third time she shouted exP barged in yelling at her and snatched the pen and the comic from her. She was howling. I stayed away but then he started shouting at me to come and help. I went in and told him to go and settled DD back down.

This morning DD was being a pain about getting up and getting dressed for school. ExP barged in and pulled her pyjamas off so hard she started screaming. I went in and told him to go away and calmed her down. Then I said to her she needed to say sorry to dad for not doing as she was told and then dad would say sorry for hurting her. So we went through and she said sorry but he just started laying into her about why wouldn’t she do as she’s told etc. So she got upset again. I told her to go and get her breakfast and said to exP he needed to accept her apology and be sorry for being rough with her.

He never has communicated effectively or learned to handle her when she’s being stubborn. So much of her being a pain at the moment is testing our boundaries. He isn’t sensitive to that. What’s more I worry about him being rough with her.

He’s so unpleasant. I hate him so much.

I mean, I know she’s testing boundaries because she’s feeling insecure.

Your poor DD . He sounds horrid. Hope the house sells quickly and you can make a start with your new life. Maybe once the split happens properly he will be a bit more patient with her.

ExP barged in and pulled her pyjamas off so hard she started screaming
This is really not OK OP.
I'd be getting him out of the house.
He's violent towards a 6 YO.
And then YOU made her apologise!
WOW - he's done a proper number on you.
None of this behaviour is OK OP.
Do NOT allow him near your DD while he is in the house.
Keep yourself and her separate.
Tell him if he goes near her again you will involve Social Services.
Please see this for what it is. Abuse of a poor 6 YO just pushing boundaries.
I hate him for you, I really do.
And I can understand you are scared of him.
But now it's time for big girl pants.
Do NOT allow him to bully your DD.
Time to go all mumma bear on his arse.

You're right to worry about him being rough with her

I’m going to have a quiet word with him tonight when DD is in bed.

I am afraid of him. He’s a liar and an arsehole. I don’t recognise him anymore.

He has been living in the home since July when I discovered his affair. He’s still conducting the relationship with OW. I’m selling the house to get away from him. He’s not found anywhere else to live. The pressure must be getting to him. I’m not making excuses it’s more I understand why he’s losing his rag. I’m working very hard to keep mine but I’ve got loads of support and help and I feel ok about the future without him. I think he’s really scared.

But now he’s taking it out on DD I’m not going to let him do that. I even thought about going to stay with my mum for a bit to make the point. I’m keeping that up my sleeve.

I just tried to have a conversation with him about hurting DD. He denied it outright. Then he said that he had no choice but to force her. I said he could have just left her to get dressed herself. Then he said he would leave all the parenting to me.

Then he said he was at the edge of the precipice and he hates himself. I asked him what would help with that and he said kindness and compassion from me. I pointed out that he hadn’t been very kind or compassionate towards me. Then blah blah so much headfuckery.

I am seriously considering packing up and staying at my mum’s till the house is sold.

I am seriously considering packing up and staying at my mum’s till the house is sold.

Do it. Get yourself and DD away and get on with starting your new life. I hadn’t really appreciated the part about how rough he was with DD when I commented before. Others are right, this is unacceptable. It’s certainly best he leaves all parenting to you and with any luck that will continue when you split so she doesn’t have to spend time with the nasty fucker.

I think he was upset that his anger had got the better of him. He’s not hurt her before this. He does on occasion shout and bully and hector her and I really don’t like it. So I don’t know if we were all out of this pressure cooker that he’s created, it might be ok again.