Feel so heartbroken today

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I’m away working very far from home - I’ve been away since the 11th. Home tomorrow.

Back story: stbx cheated on me twice. Second time round I’m asking him to leave but we are being amicable and living together at the moment and seeing a therapist.

The whole time I’ve been away he’s not messaged me to ask me how I’m doing or say he misses me or anything like that. Obviously I’ve Skyped every day to speak to DD but that’s been my only contact with him.

He’s been sleeping in my —our— bed while I’m away and that’s ok because he’s on a camp bed the rest of the time since I confronted him about OW.

But I wanted to check he would vacate my —our— bedroom on my return.

So I messaged him today and I asked if he had spent any time in my absence thinking about how we’re going to move forwards when I’m back.

He replied one word - yes.

So I took the bait and said, is there anything I should know? He never ducking answers a question directly. He’s a ducking liar.

He wrote that because DD has been so badly behaved while I’m away he thinks we really need a strong and stable home setting for her and he is willing to commit to building a strong family unit.

He has not authentically made me feel he loves me or wants me for so long. I can’t remember. He’s so far so selfish and self centred I can’t stand him anymore. I can feel an empty pain in my stomach thinking about all this and I think I must be heartbroken. After a week of not drinking (I’m in a country where women don’t drink) I’ve smuggled a bottle of wine into my hotel room and I’m wellying in.

I must finally have come out of denial about all this. I feel I must go home and try and get him out of the house so I can build a happy home for DD not just a fecking stable one.

I feel awful though. So sad. I think I’m going to have to get a lawyer and make it real for him.

How do I get past this stage? It’s horrible.

I suggest you google NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and psychopath.
You'll probably find a lot of the traits refer to him.
You sound strong and capable and I can't believe you are even considering giving this no-hoper another another chance.
This is a no-brainer OP.
Don't put yourself through anymore shit with this loser!

I think he sent that message because he possibly found your post on MN...

Read this thread from a woman who gave her husband another chance after some time living apart.

She started the thread more than a year ago and has recently updated so you can see how it worked out over that 14 months.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2989893-Just-devastated-by-DHs-betrayal-Need-a-hand-hold?msgid=81139355#81139355

If he's really closed down emotionally because of cruel parents in his childhood then it's possible that he just doesn't see how much pain he has caused you, as he doesn't process emotional pain anymore.

That doesn't make a difference though, he would need a complete attitude and life overhaul to have a hope of a good marriage from your point of view. Is that possible? Sounds unlikely as most people struggle to change even small things about themselves. Nothing is impossible though.

I think separate living arrangements, separate therapy and regular couples counselling would be a reasonable ultimatum for making a go of things (also a good way to make an amicable and healthy breakup happen in you choose that). No point brushing anything under the carpet and limping on - you'll just be delaying the inevitable.

orlaith thanks for sharing that thread. Somehow I missed it. Similar type of men I think. Feel for her and I understand why it’s taken her so long to admit what’s really happening.

I think separate living arrangements, separate therapy and regular couples counselling would be a reasonable ultimatum for making a go of things (also a good way to make an amicable and healthy breakup happen in you choose that). No point brushing anything under the carpet and limping on - you'll just be delaying the inevitable.

I’m going to try and put this forward.

Randommess Id love it if he was doing his homework on MN. Then he’d see what everyone thinks of his behaviour.

look after yourself

Spousal maintenance is rarely awarded! Only if there is a remarkably different stand of living (millions to zero). And if you're not married, no way in hell someone can make a claim for maintenance if they're not dc resident parent.

All the romantic caring stuff is too little too late in my view. After first affair maybe. But after a second where he continued to keep in contact with ow regardless of how much it hurt you!? And now he suddenly decides he wants you and his family unit? Bollox to him!

And how the fuck do you accidentally shag a COUPLE of times? Even once? "Oops sorry my penis seems to have slipped into your vagina when i wasn't looking. Oh dam it's done it again. Whoops."

Ffs!

But after a second where he continued to keep in contact with ow regardless of how much it hurt you!?

Yes that’s a good point. One I was feeling but couldn’t put my finger on.

On the accidental shagging, I don’t think I’ve used that excuse like since I was a student! It’s funny, I have close male friends whom I get on really well with but have never mistakenly sat on their willies.

Update...

I’m home and we’ve had 2 big rows since I got home. He says he will move out ‘but who knows when that will be.’ He said such terrible things. Says I never give him an inch. Says I keep bringing it all back to the affair and won’t talk about my part in the demise of our relationship. Won’t accept that we have to deal with that before we move on to the other stuff. Says there’s no point in counselling if he’s moving out.

I’m sick of his shit. I just don’t recognise him anymore.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Your priority is you and your DC now. Put yourself first -

Wow. His contrition didn't last long did it? Prick.

So sorry OP but I think you are better off without this entitled idiot in your life

Oh dear. Well that shows how committed he is to Fixing your relationship.

"I think he’d rather see me doing it all and he keeps having fun at the park." That sums it up, doesn't it? You're worth so much more than this.

So what he really wanted was for you to come back and just forget all about his affair (s)

So what he really wanted was for you to come back and just forget all about his affair (s)

Yes. I’ve just woken up (hopefully that’s a good sign for my jet lag) and it’s horrible. It’s like I was never away. He’s sleeping in the living room, I’m back in the bedroom on my own.

We had a big conversation last night and I said it wasn’t working and if we were ever to move on I need space. He does seem to accept that we can’t go on like this.

It feels like I had some nice dreams and I’ve woken up in the cold light of day.

He was very unkind to me at dinner and I couldn’t stop crying and DD saw me crying. She wanted to know why. I hate pretending everything is ok. I just said I was tired from my journey home and she gave me lovely cuddles. I don’t want her to be in this environment.

Later he apologised for being unkind but said he was sick of me bringing up his affairs, I was stuck in the past etc and he got very frustrated with it. Could I see my part in his unhappiness? Or could I see things from his point of view etc. The conversation went all over the place because he just kept avoiding the issue.

I think I’m going to stop taking about it altogether except if we carry on in counselling. I don’t think these conversations help either of us.

I feel so shit. I feel so alone. Thanks for listening.

I just read your thread. He's treating you appallingly. I don't know how you deal with it legally I'm sure others know.
Awful that he's making you cry infront of your child.
I don't have any wise words I'm afraid.
The only thing I can see is you actually are in a strong position. You are the main earner and you have your name on the property. He has so much more to loose than you.
Email an estate agent and get them to come and value your property.

Even if you change your mind.
He's terrified he's going to lose so is blaming you.

You can't go on like this.
What the poster above of you said, he wanted you to come back and pretend it's all ok. He is furious you haven't.
You don't want to carry on like this.
For your daughter too. It's awful for her to see you treated like this.

I found my original thread from 2016. I said that if I found him cheating again it would be over. The 2016 me knew what to do. I’m in a much more stable situation now than I was then. Paid off my debts and in a much better job. It’s time to move forwards.

You sounds lovely. He sounds truly awful. The note is 100% manipulation because he knows he's gone too far and you're done with him. Gather your dignity, tell him it's over and try and get him to leave. Bravo for not being married to him. He's a user and he sounds like a shit parent. Just do it. You will never regret it.

He's sick of you bringing up the affairs in conversation. You must be mortified, how dare he try to stop you talking about them! He's in no position to lay down the law. This makes me cross for you!

Yes. It’s like I’ve finally woken up to it. I’m only in my early 40s. I’ve got a chance to be happier if I break it off now.

Just to say don't hold your breath waiting for him to take responsibility for his actions and volunteer to move out. My exH never did and he had been having affairs for 15 years it turned out.

He just kept saying he did not know what he wanted and in the end it was left to me to be the baddie and end the marriage and chuck him out. That meant he could rationalise it to himself as it was the horrible ex-wife who broke up the family. I had worked out that he did not not have much in the way of morality but the loss of respect I felt for him as a result killed the last of my feelings for him.

You are better off without this "man"; see a solicitor and get your house on the market so you can move to somewhere with no room for him. Life without a man dragging on you is so much better!