Feel so heartbroken today

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I’m away working very far from home - I’ve been away since the 11th. Home tomorrow.

Back story: stbx cheated on me twice. Second time round I’m asking him to leave but we are being amicable and living together at the moment and seeing a therapist.

The whole time I’ve been away he’s not messaged me to ask me how I’m doing or say he misses me or anything like that. Obviously I’ve Skyped every day to speak to DD but that’s been my only contact with him.

He’s been sleeping in my —our— bed while I’m away and that’s ok because he’s on a camp bed the rest of the time since I confronted him about OW.

But I wanted to check he would vacate my —our— bedroom on my return.

So I messaged him today and I asked if he had spent any time in my absence thinking about how we’re going to move forwards when I’m back.

He replied one word - yes.

So I took the bait and said, is there anything I should know? He never ducking answers a question directly. He’s a ducking liar.

He wrote that because DD has been so badly behaved while I’m away he thinks we really need a strong and stable home setting for her and he is willing to commit to building a strong family unit.

He has not authentically made me feel he loves me or wants me for so long. I can’t remember. He’s so far so selfish and self centred I can’t stand him anymore. I can feel an empty pain in my stomach thinking about all this and I think I must be heartbroken. After a week of not drinking (I’m in a country where women don’t drink) I’ve smuggled a bottle of wine into my hotel room and I’m wellying in.

I must finally have come out of denial about all this. I feel I must go home and try and get him out of the house so I can build a happy home for DD not just a fecking stable one.

I feel awful though. So sad. I think I’m going to have to get a lawyer and make it real for him.

How do I get past this stage? It’s horrible.

Thanks. I need to speak with a lawyer anyway as I want to make a new will.

We are getting good counselling together - it is moving the conversation forwards. But yes I think I’d like to see another therapist myself.

Great! It's so hard to untangle ourselves from just repeating versions of our own early experiences, and paradoxically, sometimes the harder we try to avoid, the more we end up trapped in the same or similar cycles.

It does sound like you really don't want to repeat your own experience for your daughter, but don't let him, or that fear, hold you to ransom and prevent you from really acting to achieve true positive change and progress in you and your daughter's life.

HUGS X

My dad thinks I’m being too nice
I totally agree with him.
Go and see a lawyer and see where you would stand.
This is not a good atmosphere or situation for your DD or for you.
It will drive you slowly insane (been there and got the t-shirt)

Thanks 99 and hellsbells - it’s good simply to know I’m not on my own.

Argh he’s still here...

It’s half term and he’s taken the week off to look after DD. I got home from a really long day at work (with a bad cold) to a load of attitude from her because she’s been watching cartoons all day. She’s still got her hair in the plaits I did on Sunday night after her bath.

He said they didn’t leave the house because she didn’t want to.

Then at dinner we all had a horrible fight.

He’s now taken her out in the dark for some fresh air.

This is madness.

He’s like a child himself. He never quietly tells her how things are, she ‘wins’ the arguments with him. Then when she gets on his nerves he goes through the roof. Not violent. Just shouty and moody to her and she doesn’t understand what’s going on.

He’s a lazy asshole. I so wish he’d go away.

Today I’m really regretting meeting him and being in a relationship with him for any time let alone having a baby with him.

OBVIOUSLY I don’t want to turn back the clock because I love my DD so much this is making me cry again. Life is so hard. I guess I am just venting.

So... I made an appointment to see a lawyer in the morning.

The stress of living with him is affecting my health, mental and physical.

I need to do something.

You are doing exactly the right thing. This is no way for any of you to live.

Good news on making the appointment with the lawyer. It's time, OP.

I’m dreading it... feel like I am being sneaky. But I want to make a will that doesn’t favour him.

He’s not bad but he’s really shown me what a child he really is. I don’t trust him to make good decisions. I want to be the responsible adult.

If I die I want to make sure my family have parental responsibility (at least partially) for DD. And that my money is in trust for her. The realisation that if something happens to me he could benefit has made me act!

I went to the lawyer today. It was horrible. I really do need to get stbx to talk about this with me otherwise it feels like it will get nasty.

Sounds like he is nasty already. It may seem like appeasing him is better but all it is doing is prolonging the distress and allowing his control. I know it is not easy but you need to take control yourself.

And whilst it is not actual violence, his shouting and moodiness is classic abusive and coercive behaviour. You need to get your DD away from this.

Oh OP I feel so sad for you reading this thread. Well done for seeing a lawyer, hopefully a step towards getting rid of him!

Would mediation work rather than counselling?

I don’t think he is nasty though - I think he’s narcissistic and has no self-awareness. I don’t think he knows how to love a woman or be loyal. I think he has ‘a bit’ missing.

That’s not me making excuses for him but so much of the time he’s like a child who just wants everything to be ok. He treats me like I’m his mother.

Writing this down I know the situation is totally screwed up and I have to get him out of here.

A letter from the lawyer will be his wake up call.

Mighkedyhiggins I don’t think mediation would work as he resists what he calls ‘inflexible frameworks’. His worst insult for me is that I am rigid and inflexible. I just want a plan. I want to know where I am going. Part of me just wants to run away and live abroad. I would already be there if I didn’t love DD so much.

Please look at the Freedom Programme and the book Living with the Dominator. Are some free video thingies online. You might recognise him.

Since I last posted, we’ve decided to put the house up for sale. Not the best time but it makes sense to as I can’t really afford this place on my own, especially if he can’t pay any maintenance, or if interest rates go up. Or if I lost my job etc etc.

So that should happen in the next week or so. Hopefully the flat will be snapped up! We got a lot of work done, which makes me feel optimistic.

I’m less optimistic about what he will do when we’ve sold. I will go and buy a cheaper place nearby so dd can carry on at her school and be close to all her friends and activities etc. He’s ‘not sure’...

I saw messages from ow coming into his phone as he’d left it lying around. Something he’s usually careful not to do. I asked him if he wanted to move in with her (she’s still with her husband and dc) and he said yes. I asked was he planning it with her and he said yes but not in the short term.

She lives about 50 miles from here and he would go there. So that would have big implications on how he was involved in raising our dd.

I said to him please don’t tell me (and dd) at the last minute what you are going to do. He’s not planning to buy a new flat when we sell, just to rent ‘until he knows what’s happening.’

So I asked am I going to be the ‘stable and secure’ parent then? He said he thinks it’s ‘much easier for me.’

Ffs

Ps I looked at the freedom programme. He’s the Sexual Controlling one.

TBH you would have been the only one offering DD stability anyway he has no interest in being a decent parent

Remember it's the overnights that count for maintenance payments

TBH you would have been the only one offering DD stability anyway he has no interest in being a decent parent

He says ‘you’ve only got one chance at life’. I really should stop talking to him but I am trying to encourage him to see what he could lose with dd if he doesn’t make a decision on his future till he knows what ow is doing. He needs to know he’s consciously putting his own need ahead of hers. Not taking responsibility for his own future or his own happiness. All seems to be based on what other people do.

I agree with you basically - parenting isn’t fun trips to the park it’s putting yourself before your kids when it really matters and being consistent.

I'd message back "you destroyed our family unit when you fucked another woman. It's game over"

You need to take control now.

We all only have one life. Perhaps you should think about that idea for yourself

I do apologise op I hadn't realised the thread had moved on

That’s ok bitoutofpractice

I’m actually quite excited about shaping my new life holdingonbarely