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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OP posts:
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8
Gemini69 · 28/09/2018 15:01

he is back, please tell agents,solicitors etc. not to identify themselves or leave a message on an answer machine or with him on a landline. Letters to your sis or mum. He will cancel things if he gets the chance "Oh she has changed get mind "

absolutely... and be aware you Mail might get opened... he'll do anything to try getting you back under control Flowers

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/09/2018 15:17

Get your ducks in a row on the qt, maybe set up a new email for all that stuff? I had an email address he wasn’t aware of so I used that.

Could you move out & then inform him? Then have someone with you when retrieving stuff from house if he’s difficult.

Daisymay2 · 28/09/2018 16:34

Yes, new e mail, private browsing from now onwards, make sure you close everything down , every time! Change passwords.
I would seriously consider re-directing mail to your mother or sister's address via Royal Mail. I think you can do a second redirect when you move to your new house.
Don't give him a chance to thwart your plans.
Have you set up ne bank account yet?

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 29/09/2018 12:04

Hey OP, hope you are keeping well and that everything had quietened down for you :)

If you need to talk/vent we are all here for you Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 09:52

Thanks @BlueNeighbourhood1

It's been an exhausting weekend...glad to be back at work... All I've had is questions about 'well how did you feel at x however many years ago?' and him not being able to understand why a month ago it wasn't like this but it now is... Also had lots of emotional blackmail (I can't loose you, your my soulmate, crying when I go out to drama as he can't bear being at home with the kids alone etc)

I'm just very drained from it all... the emotional guilting has happened already this morning about him being back at work and 'struggling not to cry' etc

I just feel very worn down... wish the nastiness would start in a way, as this wounded puppy act is awful....

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 01/10/2018 10:22

Glad you are back on here. Have rhought about you a lot I've the weekend and was a bit concerned about you. Don't let him wear you down, I know it will be difficult. He obviously thinks emotionally blackmail will work better but it is really about his wants not yours.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 10:46

Yes, it is totally about his wants and needs not mine. All I've heard this weekend is how he can't loose me, how he loves me, how he wants it to work, how he can't bear me being distant and cold.... no cares about me not being happy, me wanting it over, me saying it makes my anxiety worse.... all I get then is 'well I promise I'll make you happy'...

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 01/10/2018 12:05

Can he articulate why how he would plan on making you happy?

I can imagine it being relentless from him, he certainly doesn't seem to grasp why it's over, he is all about himself still. The crying and emotional blackmail must be so hard 24/7 from him.

Have you heard about the house application yet? Does he know about it?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 12:19

He says things like we'll do more together, he'll stop with all the questions and asking about money, people etc, that he'll shows he cares more, be more spontaneous, affectionate, support me more... all the things I've complained about... and he thinks that by doing that I'll learn to love him again... apparently I need to stop focusing on the negative and delete notes on my phone about his behavior (that I use because of gas lighting, though he denies doing it)

I just have no drive or desire to fix it....I want to move on and live my life

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 01/10/2018 12:31

Oh- so he knows what he is doing that makes him so difficult to live with and love then? And why has he not done anything about it before? He is going to stop all the questions but spent the week end asking how you felt about stuff in the past? And why is it about how HE feels???
And you need to stop keeping records of his gaslighting?
Ignore - just make sure you change the passwords. KOKO

BlueNeighbourhood · 01/10/2018 12:33

Oh you can just see that's all empty promises until he has you back and then he'll slip into his old ways straight away.

There's no way a man as calculated as him will change all of those behaviours, I'd go as far as to say he would find it very hard to as it's engrained in him to treat you in this manner.

Lets hope you hear about the house soon and can finally start moving on. They say 30 is the new 20, you have your whole life to live yet...that kitten is ever closer. And Christmas!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 12:45

apparently @Daisymay2 it's because he took me for granted, and didn't appreciate that he'd end up loosing me...and staying at his mum and dads and seeing I was serious has given him the shock he needed to change...

The thing that pisses me off atm is that he doesn't care that I don't want him to make more of an effort, as I have zero interest in making things work... but that doesn't matter as he 'wants it too'...

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 01/10/2018 12:55

What happens when you tell him you're not interested in making it work?

Maybe now is the time to be blunt with him and straight - You can't change my mind. It is over. I don't love you, and I don't want to be with you or live with you or do anything but co-parent the children with you. You cannot fix it as I do not want to fix it. Tell him you are moving out and need to start making practical arrangements in regards to the current home.

He isn't taking into account anything to do with you or what makes you happier, if he loved you as much as he says he does he would let you go and if it was meant to be you could end up together in future. Why does he want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with him?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 12:59

I've asked him exactly that @BlueNeighbourhood , apparently it's because he can't loose me, or give up hope that we can work...

I have told him literally that, he then gets sad, says he can't loose me, begs me to give it another chance, then starts with the questions about how I felt when x, or talks about Christmas or holidays, or how he loves x y or z about me...

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 13:02

Maybe a lot of this is my fault :/ it;s my first time doing this, and I feeling like I'm making a mess of it

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 01/10/2018 13:07

I don't think you're making a mess of it, you're doing everything exactly as you should - it's not your fault after a week he still thinks he can emotionally blackmail you.

I think once the new home is sorted out for you things will get a hell of a lot easier, just because you're living in the same house everything is magnified and this is his driver - thinking if you are still here with him you can't be serious about breaking up. The quicker you get out of there the better for the both of you.

You're not doing a bad job you're doing fab, nobody goes into a situation like this knowing exactly what to do and he will realise sooner or later he isn't changing your mind, I think it just needs that push and when you say you are leaving to go to your new home I think that's when it will sink in.

Carry on as you are!

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 13:17

Thank you very much @BlueNeighbourhood, it;s nice to hear as I feel so disheartened by it all at the moment!

He was talking this morning about possibly moving out again this evening, for good this time to his parents or sisters... however I reckon that it is all just hot air, designed to make me freak out and tell him to stay (as previously mentioned it was a trigger that would always make me scramble to keep him)...

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 01/10/2018 13:29

I hope you told him that he's more than welcome to move out, maybe now that you won't scramble and chase after him it'll make him realise you are serious!

Keep us updated, and please don't be disheartened as he's getting exactly what he deserves, who in their right mind treats their wife the way he has and expects her to beg and plead for him to stay. It's all his own doing, you've done nothing at all wrong.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 13:45

Well he's gone back to his parents just now, after having another 'breakdown' at work. Apparently according to him I've 'won' and can do 'whatever I want now'.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2018 13:47

Thank God for that! Use this opportunity to disengage from him and get some peace.

For God's sake do not ask him to come back. Do not even speak to him. Switch your phone OFF.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 01/10/2018 13:51

Brilliant, for the second time, don't back down now, don't engage with asking how he is etc or listen to him when he's telling you

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 13:55

Thank you. I've instantly felt a wave of relief, and my anxiety has suddenly reduced. Of course I'm sad that it's ended up like this, but separating is definitely the right choice (something he couldn't understand...if I'm sad it's ended like this, then why end it was his reasoning)

I'm more sad for the girls that I can't tell them when they'll see their dad next, as 'seeing them is too painful for him right now' ...

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 01/10/2018 13:55

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do....

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2018 14:14

Of course it is.
It's crap, it's tough, it's sad, it's painful, it's truly truly shite!!!
But you know you've done the right thing and I really hope he stays away for a while this time.
Oh yeah!!! You've really got the shiny, sparkly end of that stick, haven't you!?
Jeeeezzz the guy is so deluded it's actually a bit worrying!
But worry you must NOT!
Concentrate on you and the DC for now and move forward.
Keep going.
Keep strong.
You got this!

IrishGryffindor · 01/10/2018 14:15

OP.. You are a legend. Just read through it all youre a fellow Gryffindor.. bravery at its best xxx