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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to end it - please help :(

436 replies

HelpMeDoThisPlease · 20/09/2018 10:47

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Gemini69 · 27/09/2018 15:08

OP you need to read your Original Post... and read it again and again whenever you feel your resolve is weakening... Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 27/09/2018 15:39

Thank you all so much. It is really helping. I've applied for the house :)

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 27/09/2018 15:48

OP, this was one of the lines of your original post:

"I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength."

This is exactly what he is edging towards. Your first post and username came from a place of desperation, you could read the angst and feel complete empathy for you after that post and everyone wants the best for you. You've had 13 pages with not one person saying you should stay with him, that tells you everything you need to know about him. He's not a good person and he most definitely will not change. Well he might for a week, but the second you go out to drama again the games will begin.

Congratulations on applying for your new home! That kitten is ever closer :)

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 27/09/2018 15:59

Thank you, you are all right - he just wears me down so much, and plays on my guilt, sadness and empathy.

I can do this, I need to. Just wish it wasn't so hard...

OP posts:
blueangel1 · 27/09/2018 16:07

From my own experience, the only thing abusers do when given another chance is work out how to be better abusers.

Please Google hoovering, as this us what he is doing. Its all about him and his 'needs". You're just a pawn in his universe. Sorry.

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 27/09/2018 16:14

thank you @blueangel1 that hoovering is exactly what he is doing... the I love yous, I can't be without you, you're my soulmate etc.... that really helps to see that!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/09/2018 17:45

Yay .. you applied for the house!! wonderful Flowers

mammynowanauntyIRL · 27/09/2018 19:54

Delighted to hear you applied for the house Grin

Hidingtonothing · 27/09/2018 21:32

You see, he’s making you feel all this guilt and sadness and empathy and yet you still applied for the house, if that doesn’t show you how strong you are I don’t know what will. This is the hard part but you’re doing it, you’re moving towards your new life (and kitten) despite all the emotional duress he’s putting you under and that shows just how much you need to be away from him. Beneath all the emotions he’s making you feel you know deep down this is right and that’s what’s pushing you onwards with your plans.

He will turn nasty eventually which, while unpleasant, will at least be a break from feeling guilty and sorry for him, sometimes anger is easier. All of this does at least have an end point though as opposed to the indefinite misery of staying with him, hang on to that and just try to ride the wave.

Cath2907 · 28/09/2018 09:35

So glad you applied for the house. Tell us all about it! I bet it will be a lovely cosy place for Xmas?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 28/09/2018 10:05

Thank you all. Feel like crap today. STBEX looked after the children last night so that I could go to drama. However his parents will no longer put him up as they believe it's fixable, so he's back in the house.... (Couldn't stop him as obviously his name is also on the contract)

I slept on the sofa last night, which was a rubbish nights sleep, and I can't relax I just want him gone. Crossing my fingers I'm successful in the housing application.

He's going round trying to be 'caring' as he thinks that if he shows me how much he's changed then I'll fall in love with him again.....

I just want him gone... feel like a giant spanner has been thrown in my plans...

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2018 10:20

feel like a giant spanner has been thrown in my plans..
Well it has!
But you have your plan in place.
So as we say, fake 'til you make it.
Smile and wave and move forward with your plan.
Have you heard anything back on your new place?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 28/09/2018 10:38

Not heard back yet - it's now under referencing etc so hopefully will hear soon.

At least with him being around the house it's so clear I need him gone. So I'll hold onto that.... funny how all of a sudden to him things are back to normal.... he's back working, and carrying on almost as if nothing had happened, except being on his best behavior of course....

OP posts:
cheesefield · 28/09/2018 10:43

Have you explained very clearly to him that you have applied for somewhere to rent and will be moving out as soon as you can, so he needs to begin making his own plans?

Daisymay2 · 28/09/2018 11:32

Yes, I was thinking about the tenancy on your current house. As soon as you get the OK for your new place, you need to ask him whether you need to get removed from the tenancy and he stay there alone or whether you are giving notice for the entire premises. Then ask about the furniture he wants...
It is not his parent decision if it is fixable.
Tell him to sleep on the sofa and put a wedge under the bedroom door.

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/09/2018 11:58

Hopefully you'll hear back soon, horrid to be waiting over the weekend for news like this.

Do you think he used looking after the children as his golden opportunity to get back into house?

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 28/09/2018 13:17

Maybe - I think he truly believes that by being around a lovely I'll crack and think he's been being honest, and ride off into a lovely sunset together...

Instead I'm so tiered of it all, and all it;s doing is remind me exactly why we need to separate...even at his 'nicest' I don't like him...

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood1 · 28/09/2018 13:27

Give the letting agents a call and briefly explain your situation, see if they can get an update for you :)

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/09/2018 13:43

Same as that @HelpMeDoThisPlease and 7 months down the line he's now agreed through his solicitor to move out asap. Your timescale is much shorter thanks to renting instead of being mortgaged.

Gemini69 · 28/09/2018 13:46

I wouldn't be letting anyone know your moving until you have someone definite to go to.. this information makes OP very vulnerable .. and could be dangerous... there is already abuse in he home... the less he knows the better.. until she has signed and has is actually moving I would tell him nothing.. Flowers

mammynowanauntyIRL · 28/09/2018 13:46

I would agree with @Gemini69

Gemini69 · 28/09/2018 13:48

apologies for the typos in that post... Flowers

Original poster
HelpMeDoThisPlease · 28/09/2018 14:01

Thank you all for the good advice. Glad to hear you STBEX has agreed to move out @mammynowanauntyIRL.

Plan right now is to continue talking on here and to woman's aid. To try and get the solicitor booked (need to find a different one, the one I contacted are messing me around), and to to and grey rock as much as possible while at home. Don't want to be too confrontational now he's back until I'm leaving as said.

OP posts:
Daisymay2 · 28/09/2018 14:11

As he is back, please tell agents,solicitors etc. not to identify themselves or leave a message on an answer machine or with him on a landline. Letters to your sis or mum. He will cancel things if he gets the chance "Oh she has changed get mind "

Olderbyaminute · 28/09/2018 14:53

OP-I want to tell you how bad it was for my sisters and brother and I growing up in a house with domestic abuse-I can’t count on more than three days I can remember of peace in our home between my father and mother-constant verbal and emotional abuse occasional physical towards each other and it was horrible. Not wanting to go home and listen to it and parents playing off the children,being told how much they hate each other,etc but can’t be bothered divorcing. Your children are young enough to recover from what has gone on in your home and will soon see a happy,confident mother. Don’t give in to him or his awful parents. Of course they will side with him but they weren’t living in your house or walking in your shoes. You don’t have to explain yourself to them. Stay strong-you can do this

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