How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

OMG!! Just joined Mumsnet looking for help on how to leave my husband. Your story is a copy of mine, only that I'm 52!! Please, leave asap. I've stayed with my husband for so long, exactly as you said, trying to make it work, blaming myself, for the shake of my daughter.....Well, they don't change. They get worse!! And we get older and lose our life. Don't be me, leave!!! Good luck. Following your post as I do need help too. And I don't have family in this country, no friends (thanks to my husband, how blind I've been!). But we women are the strongest creatures in Earth and I will survive!!!

OP - The tenancy will depend on your contract but I would speak to your landlord & explain your situation and hope they will offer you flexibility & be understanding.

@Maite66 I need that kind of kick up the bum too. I’m late 30’s - I need to get out of here! Easier said than done of course!

Yep you need to give at least one complete month from date the rent is due. The landlord may well be happy for you to end your tenancy part way through the month following that. No harm in asking.

With a joint tenancy, if one named tenant gives notice then that ends the tenancy for all tenants and a new agreement would need to be set up if the LL is happy to continue with less tenants.

So if your partner ended the tenancy, you might be allowed to continue at the risk of the LL as the tendency agreement would then not be valid.

Likewise, even if you moved out, if your partner remained you’d be liable for additional costs and not get your deposit back until the property is vacant.

...That’s assuming it’s an English AST

Thank you for all the info, I shall speak to my landlord as soon as I hear on the new place :)

Glad my thread is helping others too. It is so so hard to leave, and the hardest thing I've ever done, and I know it's going to get harder. Good luck to everyone, the support here is amazing! It reached a point where staying and regretting my life was a bigger fear than the unknown and leaving, though the real catalyst was feeling I'd have to give up my new hobby and friends (also the example I'm setting to the kids)

and yes @Joysmum it is an English AST

I’m glad I could help. I have my fingers firmly crossed for you

Hey OP, how are things going today? Keep us updated as to your progress, we are all right behind you!

Hi,

Things are going good - still waiting to hear on the house as mum has been ill, so is just submitting the guarantor stuff today.

Spoke to the Ex yesterday with regards to sorting out all the crap from the current house, and seeing the kids....as soon as he started crying etc I told him to stop or I'd put the phone down, which worked (for now). He's also back at work, so that's good.

I feel like such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I saw my sister last night who commented how much happier I am looking!

You are doing such a great job with handling everything going on. This is the start of a great chapter for you and your girls.

Glad to hear things are starting to settle slightly! Keep your chin up.

So glad you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know this has been hard, and it will be difficult, but you are getting there. Every single day is a positive step forward. I don't even know you, but I'm fucking proud of you and your daughters will be too.

I'm really pleased to hear it's all going well and that you've wised up to his crying and pleading.

It certainly shows what a manipulative idiot he was by turning the tears off and on and also being able to go back to work and get on fine.

I hope things are finally picking up for you all and that he's slowly disappearing. Have you changed your salary to another bank account and also contacted child maintenance yet? He will withhold money from you, I can guarantee it as that's his way of having control still.

I got the house!!! So Frickin excited!

Salory has been changed and am contacting child support and paying for universal credit Monday...

Now to start the horrible job of packing...

Woohoo! Fantastic news.... that Christmas kitty is fast approaching...

Athelpmedothis delighted for you, I was afraid last week you were wavering a bit, well done.
I'm waiting for dc to go with h before I start decluttering some of his junk from house!

Oh that’s wonderful news! Well done!

Wondering news. Enjoy your weekend

Thank you all so much, and for the amazing support... I really believe I would not have been able to do this without you all!

On other news, the ex still has not seen the kids... I asked him if he would next weekend but apparently not as it's still too painful for him, and he doesn't see why he should babysit to facilite me living à single life....

My word that sounds familiar! My eldests father pulled that one too. Why should I baby sit so you can have a Friday night out? Eh I didn’t ask you to baby sit I was asking if you wanted to see your son.... focus on moving on

Great news!!

Babysit? So he doesn't think of them as his own children then? Surely he should be sharing childcare for HIS children? Mr Nasty is starting to come to the surface now the pleading and crying hasn't worked. Well done OP, doing what you have done after so many years of brainwashing and conditioning, is amazing. So pleased for you. Just hold in mind that vision of going and getting that kitten with the DC, and Christmas with friends around at YOUR home for drinks. Good luck

And the controlling continues won't care for his own DC to prevent you going out...

If he's not willing to care for his children then he'll have to pay you more maintenance idiot can't see that he's hurting his children and his relationship with them not you.

Just an update, I now have a move in date for my new house! The 2nd of November! So excited!

The ex has not spoken to me since Saturday, nor has he asked to speak to the children....It's ridiculous!