How to end it - please help :(

[HelpMeDoThisPlease]

Hi,

Hoping I've come to the right place for some hand holding and some help :(

I've been with my husband since I was 16, and he is the only relationship I have ever had. I am now 30 and he is 34, we have 2 daughters in primary school and we live in a private rented house.

Things have been bad for a very long time between us, and recently I have started to confide in my sister how he treats me and talk to me, and she has confirmed my thoughts - that he is being emotionally abusive and controlling (I don't think on purpose maybe as he has autism). I have started a new hobby and made new friends, and he really doesn't like it (I've never had a hobby in the time we've been together due to fiances/how he gets). I feel that he is trying to isolate me from any support structure I have, but this new hobby is opening my eyes, helping de-spaghettify my head, and giving me strength.

I can't go on like this anymore. I have anxiety which he makes worse, and things are so much harder due to him than they should be. I'm sick of everything being my fault, and criticized no matter what I do. I just can't do this anymore....but I'm worried that before long he will mess my head up again, I'll be convinced to give him another chance, and I'll loose all my resolve and strength.

The things that is keeping me going is that I do not want our daughters to grow up and think this is normal, I would hate for them to ever be in a relationship like this. On top of this, I know the only way it will get 'better' is if he succeeds in making it so unpleasant that I give up my hobby, which I won't do.

So now to where I need help...as this is my first relationship ever, I have no idea how to actually go about ending things. Do I just ask him to move out, how does that talk go, what do I say? I'm so confused, and don't know where to start, and I'm scared and anxious.

I should add the before we got married he was sometimes physically abusive, however this has not happened in about 10 years now (I still get scared when he gets angry though).

Thanks for any help and advice

Thank you @hellsbellsmelons , onwards and upwards they say right?

and @IrishGryffindor I love Harry Potter, it is my safe space, whenever I feel crappy I wrap up in a duvet with a hot chocolate and read it, so you have no idea how much your comment meant to me - It actually made me cry. I would never have said that bravery was one of my qualities.

Help I think you have a great many qualities, not just bravery. And I think you’re going to discover just how many you have once he has cleared off.

I hope you've got your phone switched off and not responding to him, I'd imagine the tortured telling you all about his "breakdown" at work would've begun by now...

Phone is on because of the kids at school. He's completely ignoring me at the moment, which is bliss! Will mute him if he starts

Oh he is good. Playing the victim, doing everything he can to get you to change your mind and then boom back to normal when it’s not working, leaving work early bubbling and going to his mums... he is acting like a teenager ....

Just spoken to the letting agent - sadly I'm going to need a guarantor due to some adverse credit history from 4 years ago. Hoping my mum will be able to be one for me, but not sure if she has stable enough income, as she's a lecturer for the open university so gets paid depending on how much she works.... :/

Help you are a Gryffindor

Bravery
Loyalty to your kids .. !

Us lions stick together ;)

Can your sister be a guarantor for you? Any chance you can get a letter from your current landlord about you paying on time as a reference?

At least he's leaving you alone. Small things!

Is there any way to gather 6 months rent upfront in lieu of the guarantor? I’d accept that instead of a guarantor.

Sadly not, however my mums happy to be a guarantor and she thinks her situation is fine, so fingers crossed :)

I hope so OP

OP you are doing brilliantly, honestly, even though you do't feel it.

REMEMBER - it is his constant undermining of you, his belittling of you, ove the years, that causes you to doubt yourself.

Stay strong , it takes some time to re-programme your brain to accept the fact that you are capable, strong & worth a shitload more from life than you were getting with/from him. As are your DC. you are modelling to them that a woman does NOT have to take it from any man.

Onwards & upwards ! I think you should change your posting name to " I AM doing this"

Hi OP
I just wanted to pop in to say I think you are doing so brilliantly. We can all see such wonderful progress coming through from your posts and his unraveling as he loses his control over you. No looking back now

I just wanted to add, that your strength and bravery shining through is also empowering me (and I am sure I am not the only one). My situation is similar to yours and I am building courage to sort this out - your posts and all the amazing advice and encouragement from all the wonderful MNers are really helping .

I am excited about your kitten! (I hope you'll update with photos when you get one

Just read your post OP
Keep going, you are doing so well.
The relief when you are free of that control will be unbelievable and you can go and live a life as it should be x

Keeping everything crossed for you OP.
Keep plodding on.
You'll get there.

I wish I lived locally as I feel so invested in this drama performance I actually want to go and watch it!

Just sending a happy wave and message of support! Looking forward to hearing you have secured a new place and are packing your stuff!

Thank you all, and strength and good luck to you @Tiddleypops

I'll definitely be updating with pictures when we are moved in and with our cat!

This thread is amazing, and such a source of support and strength. You all are such amazing people to help out a stranger so much!

The arsehole side of him beginning to emerge I believe. He's just messaged me to inform me that I can run to rents simultaneously (to move out of the house and into the new - if I give a month notice today, then as our rent is paid on the 28th this will actually be all the way up to the 28th of November...so one more rent payment.. which I can't afford without him) as 'he needs it to support himself'... he's the bigger earner, doesn't have the kids and is living at his parents as of yesterday....

So is he refusing to pay any of the rent for your present home?

If I were you I'd be speaking to Child Maintenance ASAP as if he's being a tosser about one month of rent he's going to be about paying his way for his children. Quicker you do it, quicker everything can get back to normality.

Sadly this was me experience with my ex too, many years ago. Once it was a clear we were over the money was used as a punishment and he stopped contributing. I wouldn’t engage in hi tactics or respond to him. I would go to citizens advice asap

I'n not sure what he's meaning, he just told me that I can't pay rent on both places...but he will legally have to pay this months with me, as if he gives notice today he'll be in the same position as me...

However I've ignored his message

Of course you can pay rent on two places - is this him trying to say you need to finish one tenancy before you can start another?

If you hand your notice in today, your last payment would be this month wouldn't it, you pay in advance so your tenancy would end at the end of this month. Then at the end of the month when your tenancy starts on your new place you will pay your deposits/rent, so you aren't paying two lots of anything.

He really is trying anything to put a spanner in the works. I'm surprised there isn't more breakdown talk from him today, is he at work? I can guarantee he'll have someone new by the end of the year.

The issue is, that the new place if I get it will want me to start the tenancy on the 28th of this month (payday). However our rent for the current place is also the 28th - so if I give out 1 month notice today, it will be the 28th of November (as we've missed handing it in to end on the 28th of October) so we'll have to pay for the current place, plus me pay for the new place on the 28th of this month.

I'm going to talk to the landlords when I know about the new place to see if I can give a month notice, and only pay for the extra few days.

It doesn't work like that - or at least didn't when I had a tenancy.

It was up to myself when I choose to hand in my month notice of leaving. My DD came out on the 25th every month but I ended up leaving on the 16th I think and paid for a part month. If you had in your month notice today it will end on the 2nd November and you will pay for a few days over. They won't hold you until 28th November - get it handed in ASAP.

You give a month's notice. The tenancy ends 1 month after you give notice. This doesn't need to correspond with the date of your DD going out. If your DD goes out on the 1st but you hand in notice on the 5th you'll need your next DD to go out on the following 1st but you'll also have to pay a small top up to cover the 3rd/ 4th and 5th...