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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

999 replies

MissMarpleMyArse · 19/09/2018 21:15

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 22/09/2018 10:52

Op, just a thought- is your 15yr old in year 11 or 10? If year 11 it maybe worth having a word with teacher - just thinking with GCSES (and mocks) coming up they will be more understanding of any dips in her school performance.

billybagpuss · 22/09/2018 10:53

I really like Witty's response but know I couldn't stick to it as soon as they started asking questions I'd blurt it all out.

Good luck

WhatAPandemonium · 22/09/2018 10:53

Is there a link to your previous thread? I'm just interested to read about his lies prior to being found out.

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 22/09/2018 10:55

Mine were a bit younger than yours when we split. We told them together, we’ll be started to speak but was obviously going to fuck it up and make it about how sad he was, so I took over. Kept it brief. I got away with the ‘we don’t love each other anymore’ line, but I think it’s different for you.

The thing to do is keep it factual and honest. Tell them you’ve separated - you’ll only be confirming what they know already.

Be honest. Tell them you don’t know how this will pan out.

Answer their questions honestly. If they ask if anyone else is involved say yes. You don’t need to embellish. It’s ok to tell them he was sexting I think, because that’s as much as you know factually. They’ll have their own opinions on this and need to make sense of it.

Don’t get angry. Don’t rant. Remember you are talking about someone they love very much who has hurt someone they love very much. The worst separations I have seen are those where all the energy is put into hurt and anger.

Hug them, let them go and find some space of their own or hold them tight. They have each other too and they are in it together. There will be some comfort for them there.

They may even be relieved to have some answers.

It’s one of the worse things I have ever had to do. But I found the words and got it done. You will too. Flowers

Tinty · 22/09/2018 11:05

What an absolute Ass. I can't believe he came out with all that blaming you crap I can really. I think you can do without nasty text messages from him. Can you text him and remind him you are the mother of his DC and you are going to try and be reasonable with him despite the way he has behaved and that if he wants to send you more abusive and blaming texts that you will forward them to his mum!

Flowers for you. You have been so strong. Keep in mind that whatever you tell your daughters you can't take it back once it said. I think that you need to protect them a bit, for a while, I think that time will make them realise what a real shit their dad is, but first of all it may be better to break it too them gently.

gylly · 22/09/2018 11:07

I agree with thinkofawittynamelater, that's the perfect explanation.

Certainly don't tell them that he was sexting someone as a few posters have suggested. That will have such a damaging effect at their age!

I really hate it when posters on these type of threads advise telling the children the intimate details. It's incredibly inappropriate.

TomHardysNextWife · 22/09/2018 11:08

OP I was 13 when my mum and dad split. It was immediately obvious that my dad had been unfaithful and in some ways, my mum was a little too honest at times..... but my sister and I were always very clear that it wasn't because of us, it was their relationship that was the issue.

They will know that something is wrong, and I think you need to be honest and say your relationship with him is over but he's still their dad and nothing will change in how he loves them. Say honestly that you don't know what's going to happen, you just know that you can't live with being lied to and whatever does happen, you love them.

It's utterly shit, and so bloody unfair that you're the one having to do this.... but the reality is that he will only bullshit to them.

Hospitaldramafamily · 22/09/2018 11:10

I agree with not blaming him but they they need to know he did something that hurt you/shows he doesn't love you etc. Reason being it sounds like he'll try to heap the blame on you and just make up stuff so they need a light version of the truth, otherwise they could get very conflicted.

letsdolunch321 · 22/09/2018 11:11

Thinkofawittynamelater sums it up in one, the wording covers the fact that it is up to your girls if they want to speak/see their dad, it is not something you will need to interfere in.

Glad your girls are older in this situation - this means you can block his number and not be concerned he is trying to call you to arrange seeing the girls.

A day at a time Marple 💐

Wishing you and your girls a chilled weekend.

CashewNut11 · 22/09/2018 11:27

This will be a huge moment in your girls' lives and whatever you say will resonate with them and teach them something about relationships. It will have an impact on how they manage trust and commitment in their future relationships.

You are being a fantastic role model to them at the moment. What do you want them to understand and take forward from this life shatteringly painful time?

Flowers
Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 22/09/2018 11:32

To some degree OP you still need to facilitate their relationship with their father so it works for everyone, including you. It’s different with teens IME as they make their own plans so the EOW scenario doesn’t really work anymore. They always ask, I always say yes. (But they need to check in with me just for practical reasons).

Help them work it out, because you need to find a way of making this work for you, their dad and them. I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘it’s your relationship you deal with it’. They will need your help. They may even reject their dad in the short term, and you’ll need to support them to deal with this as well, and still you have encourage them to maintain a relationship.

It’s very, very difficult when you are hurting.

Karigan198 · 22/09/2018 11:46

Love Wittys suggestion. Perfect

MissMarpleMyArse · 22/09/2018 11:48

Thank you for lots of good advice. I would like to respond to each message but there are so many I would be here forever. Please know that I appreciate every one (having a small cry now at the kindness shown to me by strangers who have helped me through this)
I think having read the replies that I will
Go along the lines of thinkofawittynamelater's suggestion as it sums up everyone's advice. I probably won't mention the sexting as I think it will totally gross them out and they won't look at him the same. I know I bloody don't and I'm an adult.
Myrtle - that's a very good point. Eldest is in year 11 so gcse year. She has already been pulled up on her attitude so I doubt that will improve. I will definitely speak to the school.
I've just been to the bakers to get them a nice lunch and will speak to them after. Not that I can eat anything, I feel sick with nerves.

OP posts:
Shockers · 22/09/2018 11:56

I think witty’s post is good too. Your girls do not need to know the gory details- it would only cause further hurt to them.

Keep strong in ignoring him. Flowers

MissMarpleMyArse · 22/09/2018 11:57

Whatapandemonium - I don't know how to link my previous thread but it was 'WhatsApp and iCloud can anyone help'
Basically says that he was being a sneaky twat.

OP posts:
MissMarpleMyArse · 22/09/2018 11:59

Just shouted to them to come for lunch. God I have never get so nervous in my life. I am shaking so much. I'll be back in a bit x

OP posts:
HerRoyalFattyness · 22/09/2018 12:00

Flowers good luck. I'm sure it will be ok.

LittleBookofCalm · 22/09/2018 12:03

You will be fine, once it is out in the open, has mum gone?

StylishMummy · 22/09/2018 12:09

Good luck WineThanks

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 12:14

Thinking about you and sending a handhold.

another20 · 22/09/2018 12:15

Yes the approach focusing on DD is the best. But be factual and put down the boundaries as to what info is appropriate - top line no details - but not too vague. They need to know that he has been unfaithful - otherwise they may think you caused a relationship breakdown. I think the 5 stages of grief will be re-enacted in their Q’s. They will be looking to justify and bargain before they accept. So keep it simple.

Waddsup12 · 22/09/2018 12:21

The problem with this sort of conversation is that there is no easy option or way to dress it up as anything other than it is. Can't quite find the words but hopefully you know what I mean.

Find your previous post put it in [nnnn] & it should link.

RyderWhiteSwan · 22/09/2018 12:25

To the posters who said we are treating this thread like a soap opera, and are eagerly awaiting each new update for some sort of a vicarious thrill - just fuck off. Many of us have been through similar and know damn well how it feels and are here to support. I am with everyone who is full of admiration for the OP who has handled the discovery in such an immediate and amazing manner. The fall out of the betrayal and its consequences will be long and painful, but OP will gain much insight and help from all here who have suffered through cheating and gaslighting but have come out the other side waving not drowning (with apologies to the late Stevie Smith!)

Ellamorgan · 22/09/2018 12:33

Good luck marple, I had to do this a few weeks ago and it broke my heart but none of this is down to you, answer them as honestly as you can and reassure them that you love them, that is all you can do.

Big hugs I know this is difficult, my cheating H moves out next week but spent the night away “with a friend” last night so I’m also dreading today! Just be strong x

ohfourfoxache · 22/09/2018 12:37

Oh Christ....

I’m thinking of you x

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