I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

[MissMarpleMyArse]

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

He's an idiot.

Go easy on yourself OP.

He really is an absolute douche bag.
Good riddance to him.
You will feel that you’ve wasted years on him.. your years are ahead of you now, grab them with both hands and leave him in your shadow

Good morning. I woke up feeling pretty shit but a read through your messages has me feeling like the Incredible Hulk. Wonder Woman would be more attractive but I've had a massive rush of strength of 'yes I can do this!!' that I feel like I want to run outside and throw a car in the air! God I really am losing the plot! I have laughed a lot at the responses too, which I need at the moment.
THANK YOU XXX
I'm just sitting in bed with a cup of coffee and trying to work out what to do next. I'm glad he turned on me because I was missing him a lot yesterday. I've decided that whether this thing got physical or not there is no way back. I can't tell you how many lies he told me over the last few months, and how horrible it was to feel like I was maybe going insane. He had the chance to stop it all when I confronted him about WhatsApp, and he would have got away with it. But his 'fantasy' was more important.
I need to tell my girls today. I was hoping we could work out a plan and do it together, but that's not going to happen. The people who said he is not my friend were right. I need to remember this x

Anger is easier (and more helpful) than sadness right now x

Good luck. He's not your friend, he's a dirty, lying arsehole. Hulk the living shit out of him.

Make plans for your future with your DCs. There's lots to look forward to without that pathetic weight around your neck

Keep strong marple 💐

Good luck telling your girls, it will be hard for you all. Remember, you are an amazing role model, showing them not to put up with shit.

What an idiot. Stay strong OP

Marple

You're right - you can't put up with nonsense from those who are meant to be a source of support. You rock!

What an absolute bastard!!!!!

for you and your girls

Yikes. OP you're amazing. What a total KH (knobhead not Ken Hom) your Ex is. No responsibility taken at all. Good luck to you

Thank you. I don't know what to tell them. I'm trying to picture sitting them down but I don't know what comes next. They are 14 and 15 so not little kids, I feel I should be fairly honest as to the reason, but I don't know what the hell to say. Does anyone have experience of this with kids this sort of age? They are close to him and it's going to hit them hard whatever I say.

One of the powder puff girls swinging in present for duty

So sorry this has happened to you OP. I think I would just tell them that you recently find out that dad wasn't being faithful to your marriage. That behaviour isn't acceptable so you've asked him to leave and you won't be getting back together. You understand it's a shock to them, it's a shock to you too, but that you both still love them very much and want them to continue to have a good relationship with their dad.

At 14 and 15 they will understand what this means but they don't need the details.

Can you say he has done something which has hurt you very much and shown that he doesn't love you as much as you loved him? But that it is between you two only. Reassure them that you will always love them. Don't promise anything about him and what he will do as you just don't know

Mine were a little older. Sorry not sure I've helped much. It depends on their reaction I think

Will mum be there with you? It may help as she sounds logical and sensible (not saying you're not !) but may help especially if you get overwhelmed. Don't be afraid to show emotion, it may help them

I would say something like 'I'm sure you've realised something is wrong over the last couple of days, well Dad and I have separated due to something that he did. He's moved out and he's currently staying at Grandma's. Things will be a bit up in the air until we know where he is going to live and we sort out the practicalities so he will be in touch with you both to arrange for you to go and see him. Remember we both love you and it will all be ok eventually.'

They are big girls and I'm sure they will guess without you saying anything that he's cheated. You will just have to be as honest as possible when they ask questions as nothing is worse than lying about it. So something like he's behaved badly with someone and behaviour like that it's not something that you will accept.

I would be honest but not overly detailed with your girls. Otherwise if you just tell them you’ve not been getting on, etc they might spend time hoping that you’ll both change your minds and get back together. They might spend time blaming you or trying to convince you to get back together.

If you tell them that their dad has cheated they are old enough to understand that for many people that’s a dealbreaker. I don’t see that you should protect him by fibbing. I don’t think the difference for the breakup will make that much difference to them? Yes they might be cross with him but the most upset is going to be due to the breakup not the reasons behind it. I think the truth will come out at some point anyway and being honest with them is important.

Good luck.

Read this:

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/26/what-you-need-to-know-bef_0_n_5615228.html

It’s s good summary of what I found in a book about helping kids through divorce. Probably a really bad idea to blame their father. Can screw up kids for life if they start to think they will get their own relationships wrong if they are like their dad. All it takes is a throwaway comment of how long their dad they are by someone.

Wonder Marple!

It's going to hit you at odd times for sure, but the peace and sanity the rest of the time will more rhan make up for it.

It wasn't just a fantasy; he was actively sexting another woman, a supposed friend. That is real, emotiona and sexual activity with another woman, gearing up to be physical all on its own (if it hasn't been already). Keep that in your head every time he tries to blame you.

This is all on him.

I'm sorry about you having to break this disgusting news to your girls. They are old enough to know that their father has broken his vows to you (by getting involved with another woman), and while you don't want to be married to him any longer because of it, it doesn't mean he doesn't love them.

I would also use what he's done to tell them to never, ever accept this kind of behaviour from someone who is supposed to be their boyfriend/partner/husband. They deserve to be treated with love and respect at all times. And so do you.

You are amazing. From experience try not to bad mouth him (I know!) As its hard for kids. Things WILL be ok. Im 2 yrs out the other side now!xx

Honesty is the best policy.

At 14 & 15 they are well aware of the basics of relationships and that cheating can happen.

I'd probably go with ...

You must have noticed that Dad hasn't been here for a few days. I'm sorry to say that he won't be coming back and we will be getting a divorce. I'm not going to go into specifics, because that's private between him and me, and it has no bearing on your relationship with either of us. I hope you will work to keep a relationship with your Dad, but you are both old enough now to manage that yourself without me interfering. You don't need to hide it from me if you're talking to him or seeing him - you don't need to protect me.

I love you both loads, and so does your dad. I'm going to be honest with both of you, so you can ask any question you like, but I may not answer them all because some things in a marriage - and it's demise - are private.

At their ages I would say something like "It seems Dad wasn't happy being married to me anymore and has been sexting someone else for a long time so it's over"

They know what sexting is so I wouldn't beat around the bush.

I was sat in the car on Thursday, telling DH about your experience. We both agree that, whether he did anything or not (physically), once that trust has gone, how on earth can you get it back? How on earth can you feel comfortable in your marriage after this massive betrayal. I know there would be no way back for me. You are the Hulk and Wonder Woman rolled into one (in the best possible way!)

I agree that your DC, being the age they are, need to know the truth. I would actually tell them exactly what happened, without the explicit details of what he said. It is going to be so difficult.

Good luck op. If there were honours on MN, you would be knighted. 💐