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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just added myself to fb chat with dh and ow

999 replies

MissMarpleMyArse · 19/09/2018 21:15

I'm fucking fuming. I posted recently
About dh's suspect WhatsApp activity. It all stopped but I have been keeping an eye on his phone. This afternoon when he went to the toilet I clicked his apps and saw messenger was open. I've just had the chance to snoop again while he's in the shower and found messages between him and our friend (we aren't that close with her. - well I'm not). Loads of sexual stuff. I just added myself to the conversation and said 'wow I don't see that coming'
I'm upstairs now. Neither of them have read it yet.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/09/2018 22:44

I can see some real positives from how he’s behaved. He was stupid enough to leave the messages open so you know what’s been going on.

He ignored you after you asked him if he’d enjoyed his slow wank. He’s shown that he was far more interested in trying to cover his tracks and save his Sorry arse than how you were feeling.

He’s being truly horrible, so you can see what an utter shit he is. At least you don’t have to spend time worrying if you’ve done the right thing. Everything he says abs does shows that yiu absolutely did do the right thing.

Keep going MissMarple, you’re doing fabulously Thanks

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/09/2018 22:46

*and

Feckers2018 · 21/09/2018 22:56

OMG what a delusional twat. You are right to block the idiot. I wouldn't let him see the kids when he wants. No way. Keep control and let him know when. Otherwise he will use this to manipulate you.

CookieDoughKid · 21/09/2018 23:14

He's a fucking delusional if he even tries to pin this on you. He's not even man enough to admit it. You did everything I would have done. You did BRILLIANT and if my daughter was anything half like you, I'd be very proud.

ALSO, If you need to, also get an STD check to be on the safe side.

Don't take no more bullshit from him. Don't be soft on him either. He doesn't deserve you, your kindness nor your love. He's angry cos he got caught. Fucking Walker.

CookieDoughKid · 21/09/2018 23:14

Walker I mean.

PussGirl · 21/09/2018 23:17

What a bollock-headed twat!

So, let's get this straight, if it had been just a fantasy, then that would have been okay!!!???!!!

He's deluded. Soon to be a limping deluded twat can you limp with two broken legs?

redshoeblueshoe · 21/09/2018 23:19

Cookie I think we know what you mean ! OP you are a 🌟 as is your mum

sophiec123 · 21/09/2018 23:24

He's idiotic if he thinks he can manipulate you to believe this is all your fault! See through his bullshit and keep your head held high. You didn't involve his mum, you took his belongings, how dramatic!! 😂

WhatAPandemonium · 21/09/2018 23:34

The man is an idiot!

Fantasy would have amounted to private thoughts in his head, shared with absolutely nobody, (obviously still wouldn't have made it ok). He made it a reality, whether he acted on it or not is irrelevant. The intent was most definitely there.

Blaming you for this is just showing himself as the pathetic little weasel that he is. He's desperate and clutching at straws, just pity him, he's such a loser.

Nightwatch999 · 21/09/2018 23:56

Nothing any of us can say will make you feel better, its an awful sinking feeling that you cant control, but everyday focus on your kids and you.
Sending you my love OP, you deserve the best BiscuitThanks

buckeejit · 22/09/2018 00:03

Wow, stay strong OP, you are doing great, even if you don't feel it now. Your mum sounds fab too

Pinkgin50 · 22/09/2018 05:31

Stay strong, you're doing great. Similar happened to me although I didn't handle it nearly as well as you.

KatKit16 · 22/09/2018 06:18

@Pinkgin50 nor me. My DD2 was under 6 months when it all came to light & only 2 days before Christmas. The betrayal at what should have been such a happy time has only just left me 5 years on.

Some days I get single parenting right & others I need to work at it. It's not easy but it's by far the preferred the option than living with someone that didn't care about me.

I regret giving him my best years.

Florries · 22/09/2018 06:50

You are doing the most amazing thing for your girls, teaching them to have self worth, respect and to never let a man treat you so poorly. You've achieved so much in such a short amount of time.

I wish MIL knew what a total fucking bastard your 'D'H is. The fact he said how dare you get her involved makes me think he will minimalise and blame you like he hasn't already
Like a fucking child. Ugh. Any attempt of reconciliation has gone. Fucking prick. Im so cross for you.

You are a trooper and a bloody hero. An inspiration for us all. Keep going, OP.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 22/09/2018 06:55

How are the girls taking it?

BackInTheRoom · 22/09/2018 07:02

Blame shifting! Classic!

Gosh OP! He wasn't actually eating 'cake'🍰! No, he was merely thumbing through a few recipes! 'My bad'! Hmm

CookieDoughKid · 22/09/2018 07:07

redshoe thx!! crappy auto spellcheck!! Grin

Johndoe10 · 22/09/2018 07:13

Typical. It’s all your fault. Hmm

Esspee · 22/09/2018 07:19

Just want to let you know how much I admire you (and your mum). Stay strong and enjoy the rest of your life without the cheating bastard.

Theg00dwife · 22/09/2018 07:21

Oh my gosh, only just read this! What a bloody nightmare. You have handled it with such dignity and strength. I’m so glad you have an awesome Mum to support you. What an absolute TWUNT!

Tobermory · 22/09/2018 07:31

Wow.
You have handled this just brilliantly OP and your MUm.... her immediate reaction sounded just what was needed to support you. Your ‘D’ H last response tells you all you need to know about who he really is... in the middle of all this he’s only concerned with himself. Despite the hurt he’s caused you and his children, it’s all about him!
Be strong
Flowers

billybagpuss · 22/09/2018 07:50

Oh bless the silly deluded little cockwomble, he really is in panic mode isn't he.

Surely giving all his stuff to his mum, rather than strewing it all out in the river is a) far more environmentally friendly and b) saved him money having to replace it all.

If he hadn't been 'sharing his fantasy' in his own little sexting dreamworld with OW who knows how long it would have dragged out for before he made it real and became a full blown affair with all the extra crap that would have caused.

I know its been absolutely shit for you over the last week, but at least you can move on much more quickly and cleanly having found out like you did.

And as for telling OW's DH, he has as much as a right to know as everyone else.

I think you've done the best thing keep a dignified silence, don't rise to any arguments and hopefully in a couple of weeks he will have come to his senses enough to take the next steps like a rational adult.

Treacletoots · 22/09/2018 07:57

Nothing much to add apart from OP you are a shining example of keeping your shit together right now. Keep going. For your own sake.

psicat · 22/09/2018 08:59

As Pp have said, if the messages weren't the deal breaker then his despicable behaviour afterwards should be. He has shown himself to be a coward, true gaslighter and manipulative bastard.

1- I wouldn't believe him that it was also fantasy but even if true that nothing physical had happened, it would not have been long before it did, not will that level of detail... You don't send such intimate messages to someone unless you plan for it to be reality.
2 - you and your amazing mum have acted brilliantly in this. Strong but sensible and being the better person. Keep it up and don't descend to his level, when the dust settles you'd regret it
3- lawyer up, get the best you can afford. Ask any divorced friends for recommendations. Unfortunately the way he is behaving suggests that he is going to continue to be a cock in every way.
4 - personally I wouldn't be too honest with your girls at this stage. He is still their dad and always will be. Say that he has behaved badly and hurt you so you can't be together but it does not stop him being their dad. Don't ever bitch about him in front of them. Kids are smart, they will figure it out and will respect you more for being so strong. Your mum sounds like the rock you need, you can be that rock for your children.

At least you know the OW husband got the messages 😉

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You will get through this, it will be hard but some day - closer than you will believe - you'll release how far you've come and how much better your life is.

Oh and keep those cunty messages from him - screen shot, store some where that you don't have to look at them but keep for evidence and if you have a weak moment to remind yourself that he is a twat xxx

Cuttingthegrass · 22/09/2018 09:03

Truly nasty aggression from a cornered beast. I'm almost impressed how he had the audacity to shift the blame onto you. Clearly only thinks of himself. He hasn't mentioned the DC. He isn't bothered about you.

There are many of us who have walked a similar rocky road. Cope with the myriad of emotions that will overwhelm and engulf you. Please read the 5 stages of grief. They really do apply. You will mourn the life you thought you had planned.

But there is another life waiting for you. One without a lying selfish cockwomble. He didn't cherish you or respect you. He betrayed you. You will smile and laugh and be happy. May not seem like it right now, but you will. You have handled this with dignity and bravery. Keep your head high. You are one mighty fine person with a marvellous mum watching your back.

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