I need to end this right?

[PlaidPjamas]

I've been seeing someone for a few months, it's been just what I need and just what he needs too. Been going so well we feel happy and safe together, talk things through. There's been major life stuff happening and we've talked each other through it, never a bad reaction.

But I've been financially abused and used before and it's always been a fear of mine. He does know this.

He's in a bad place money wise, I am not. I had a sense eventually that may become an issue and the other day we started talking money. He asked me to borrow a significant amount. A large amount.

I haven't slept since, now all I can think is he is so nice, caring, says he loves me, because there is an end goal. But he just doesn't seem to be that person, he seems to genuinely love me.

My head says finish it, my heart is hurting. And he's going through a tough time so now is a bad time to do this.

But I have to right?

It doesn’t make sense that he needs to borrow tens of thousands of pounds from you but can pay you back by working hard over a few months and it sounds like you believe him.

Is he employed or self-employed?

Op. Borrowing "tens of thousands of pounds " is not a thing that normal, let alone lovely, people ask to do.

You don't ask your girlfriend of a few months for a mortgage size loan.
That's what banks are for.
Similarly, you don't ask the bank to sleep with you

I think he liked you, and then realised you were secure and slowly began to see you as potential for being tapped. The relationship is doomed because he never thought to himself, I'm going to sort myself out, get out of debt, be better with money management. He decided it was easier to borrow off you. And I'm pretty sure he would never have paid you back the full amount. It changes the nature of your relationship. You are no longer equals, he looks at you with £££ in his eyes.

I think for your own sake you need to find someone who is also financially secure and who won't see you as fleecing material. You won't know until you get to really know the person. Listen to your gut.

He said he didn't really want to ask but felt he should
What? Did he think you WANTED him to ask?

Category you've asked that line and only that twice now, why?

Ilove I believe he believes it. Same as I believe my ex believes he will come good and eventually pay maintenance. It's not a choice they are making to fleece you. It's "this time next year Rodney". Naivety, stupidity with money,
Selfishness and impatience to want nice stuff (ex) to be out of debt (bf). Doesn't mean I believe it or I wouldn't be ending it. But I have to. Because I'm not financially stupid and won't be manipulated into being so like with ex. Lending the money was never in question, finishing the relationship because of it was

But I can't stand it, and I don't want to be the one constantly saying no again.

I think it's relevant. If you were to say he's employed, I'd be very surprised.

Ah right, had a paranoia you were him and checking detail then FML I'm going nuts.

He's self employed and works incredibly hard. He will actually probably come good and do well in the end. I do know this for a fact.

Well not the "coming good" but the working hard.

You simply cannot give this person another chance to manipulate you. He already has. You finished it, but he had no respect for that boundary, instead he browbeat you for two hours. EVERYTHING you write is about him, he's hurting, he's sad, he's sorry, he he he he. This is a person who asked to borrow an insane amount of money from you and then when you said NO he manipulated you for 2 hours. He's not the one going without sleep.

It's always a business, an ex, a few months till sorted, blah blah blah. Tale as old as time.

You really need to take a break from dating and work on boundaries and getting out of falling for toxic behaviour patterns.

But first you need to ditch this man and forget about how he's hurting and blah blah blah.

'I told you I wanted to finish but you didn't accept that. I don't find that behaviour I should have to tolerate. Therefore, I'm ending this. It's not up for discussion. You need to accept this and leave me alone. All the best to you in the future. xPlaid' and then you block.

I get a very bad feeling about this guy, or this relationship.
NO ONE should ask someone they've dated a few months for a 'loan'; and for an insanely large loan of tens of thousands - unfathomable. And after knowing that you've been financially abused and are scarred by that - well, I'm not thinking good things.
It may feel nice to have him say he's 'planning for your future together' - but it is a total mirage - at this point it is far too soon to know whether you actually have a future together, you need years together to figure that out.
Whatever you do, DON''T lend him the money. If you did, I believe you would never see your money again; and possibly never see him again.
My gut feeling is that he's lovebombing you in order to cheat you out of a lot of money. I'm sorry, I hope that's not the case, but that's my gut feeling. Good luck.

Bingo. I knew he would be.

He may well work really hard, but he fits a type. He'll always need money and he sees you as a potential income stream to keep his business afloat while he waits for it to come good. And lord knows, he works hard enough for it to work... Yeah. That's my bet.

Tbh I would guess he is self employed. OP, him and your ex aren't nice people.

They could change and be decent people. Not rely on others. They take the easy way out and see ripping others off as the easy way out.

It's not daftness its calculated 'someone else can get in the shit with me and then I'll use them to climb out'

The fact that you still can't see that he is a con man, means you will get dragged back in. When he is so sorry and can't believe he ever asked.

Why the fuck did he think he should ask? Who has that sort of thinking on a short term debt.

I know what I am saying because I was married to one of these. Made bad decisions because it was easier. It was everyone else's fault and everyone else's responsibility.

I ditched my exh. I am with a man that earns less than me. We are very different like you and this man. But my Dp is lovely. I have known him (not as my dp) for a year. He has had a hard year financially due to divorce. He got his own house and sorted his own stuff out, without asking me. Even though I am much more financially stable.

It's pride and the recognition that my stability is not his. He also said he needed to show me, he was independent. That he was financially responsible. He wouldn't ever take a loan I had got for him. He would rather work his way out of it.

The way he sees it, is that our future is much more secure if we are both financially stable. That one of isn't the financially responsible one. He doesn't want me to ever think my financial stability is any part of the reason he is with me.

You really need to wake up. This man isn't lovely. He is gutted he played his hand too soon.

He's self employed and works incredibly hard. He will actually probably come good and do well in the end. I do know this for a fact.

No you don't. You know he has been working hard. Everyone called my exh a hard worker. He was always busy. But not with stuff he needed to be. He was badly organised and didn't think long term, made terrible business decision after bad decision.

A year after our split, I have a better paid job with flexible hours. I could have taken a better paid job but with no flexibility, making mine and my sins life harder. I go have bought a house, decorated it. It's small with a small mortgage, but it's sensible.

Exh has burned through his money. Bad business decisions, renting an expensive house etc. Now it's everyone else's fault, Including mine.

I wasn't surprised to hear that he had moved I with his financially solvent new girlfriend. Still working self employed when he fancies. Still splashing the cash. She believes his debt was mine (it wasn't, I bailed him more times than I can count). She will learn, but it might be too late.

No op it doesn't make sense at all that if he can come up with the money in a few months that he should ask anyone, let alone his new girlfriend for all that money. And not just any girlfriend, but one who has suffered so much and is still traumatised because of money and her ex. Honestly op, it is bullshit. None of it rings true.

The man who conned a woman on This Morning told her that his assets were frozen while his divorce was going through. She was already smitten and everybody loved him as he was fun and charming. She ended up giving him over £1 million pounds .

Left you are right it's him him him. Maybe I'll take my psychologists advice and do a bit of me me me. I work hard. I love and care for my family. I want someone whose problems I don't have to solve. I want someone kind. I want to be happy.

And mostly this morning I want to listen to angry music, ignore all other people in my office and find my inner fucked offness.

Not It's pride and the recognition that my stability is not his. He also said he needed to show me, he was independent. That he was financially responsible. He wouldn't ever take a loan I had got for him. He would rather work his way out of it

^^^ THIS this is what I expected, THIS is what he couldn't grasp last night. I don't give a shit if someone has no money. I just don't want them to expect mine!

Please protect your mental health (as well as your money) and stay away from this man. He is moving too fast, taking advantage of you and playing mind games.

He said he didn't really want to ask but felt he should. Doesn't make sense at all

Actually it makes perfect sense within the way they operate. Doubtless he'd say he "felt he should" because he knows you've got something unique together - he's "never felt this way with anyone else" - and that's how soulmates behave with each other, right?

Wrong

Think back to what you said about being utterly different with regard to work, education, opinion, etc. Granted opposites can attract and if everything else is stable it can work, but you generally need at least something in common for a successful relationship beyond just "feeling nice together"

Why not do yourself a favour and avoid any more sleepless nights by sending a final, quick text and blocking him? As all the wise PPs have said, nothing else is going to work

THIS this is what I expected, THIS is what he couldn't grasp last night.

You don't need his permission to dump him. He can disgree entirely and still be dumped.

This depends on how much you can trust him. I am in the same position at the moment, only been seeing my boyfriend a few months and he’s just started a new job meaning he’s not getting paid for a while. I have given him some money, but I feel I can trust him. It’s completely up to you, follow your gut instinct

Bee why and how can you possibly know? And what would he have done if you didn't exist?

OP I'm sure he will work hard and clear his debts, but he got involved with one of your deal-breakers. You don't lend money now and have exes with form. He knew this - so he should've never entertained the thought. It's not like he asked for even 100 quid, it's a HUGE amount. That's money that if I asked my parents for, I would get a hundred questions before they'd part with it. Let alone a woman I've been dating and have no ties to. You're well rid.

He knew this was your sore spot and he pressed it. He's crossed your boundaries and that's the biggest thing.

And as for mine, he's gone from "I'll give you space I love you"

To

"You were just using me for sex......"

I am currently not replying until I leave work and have space to craft a reply that is an "over" text.

Although I'm fighting the urge to say "you only use three dots in an ellipses, for that we are over" but that would be twattish.