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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants nothing to do with me, because.....

201 replies

BSmart · 17/09/2018 10:05

I slept with someone else when we'd broken up.

This is how it started.

My partner and I have just recently gotten back together. We were talking casually on the phone, then one conversation led to another and he said " I was going out with someone, 2 years ago, when we'd broken up, she had two kids, was working for the council and so forth. I was fucking her but I soon got bored and the relationship just fizzled out". A bit hurt, I replied " Oh, ok, did I really need to know that ?". Then, when we were talking about my family, he mentions, "...you know your youngest sister, she's the prettiest out of your whole family, she's pretty you know". I replied " Why do you like putting me down ? That hurts you know, I don't care about you calling her "pretty" but to say she's the prettiest out of my whole family is hurtful". Partner laughs it off and says " Your being petty, I'm with you aren't I ? I have no interest in your sister, she's too young". After that, I didn't say much.

Moving forward in the conversation, we were talking about his real motive of him wanting to get back with me. I felt , because his getting older and wants to settle down, he would just settle for DS and I. He replied "How can you say that? I want to get back with you etc". Then I replied "Your just saying that because your lonely"; then he said " Trust me, I can get any woman". Me, knowing what he was getting at, I told him " Sex is easy" and he said " Really ? How do you know?". Then I told him "....because when we broke up, I had sex with someone else". He replied "What ? You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore". I said " How can you say that ? It's ok for you to tell me about your sexual encounters but I can't ? I have needs you know...you can expect me to be celibate when you disappeared for 7 months on end".

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls.

I know I was being petty. But is it bad that I had sex with someone else when we'd broken up ? It was a long time ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
BSmart · 17/09/2018 13:57

Hello again,

You are all right Sad.

We’ve been together for so many years, we share a son together and we’ve been through a lot. I find t difficult to let him go. But I have to do it for my DS’s sake. I don’t want him to think this is the way you treat women.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 17/09/2018 13:59

Has he been in touch to see how your son is since telling you he wants nothing to do with you? Sent money?

BusterGonad · 17/09/2018 14:02

You and your son are better off without him Op, hopefully you'll be a lot happier and more chilled out without him.

SilverySurfer · 17/09/2018 14:07

OP you are not listening to what every poster is telling you. I know you don't believe it but you can do better than this bloke - he sounds horrible. You are still young enough to build on your self respect and find someone who loves and respects you. It's hard because it's probably your first relationship if you met as teenagers but there is a better life out there for you. Forget him and please don't have another baby with him.

I wish you the very best.

NowApparently · 17/09/2018 14:07

So either he has you or he abandons his son? He doesn't view you as a person, he views you as his property and doesn't give two shits about your son. You and your son will be better off without this oxygen thief.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 14:11

OP, I have a friend who was married with a young daughter when her husband suddenly left her. Once he'd walked her ex-husband showed very little interest in their daughter and eventually stopped showing up for contact times altogether. A few years later she married a lovely man and had another child and now they are a proper family.

You can have a future like that too.

Angelf1sh · 17/09/2018 14:25

Jesus Christ, this gets worse each time you post - you sound like every battered wife I’ve ever met. Thinking only if his feelings and blaming yourself for everything. This man is an utter shit and you need to see that before it’s too late and you have no strength left to act. Don’t waste a second more on him.

Ohyesiam · 17/09/2018 14:26

Though, he did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS and I.
Does that not ring warming bell for you?
So he is prepared to use his child as a bargaining chip to control you?
My way or the highway, and that includes going no contact with my child.
If you still want a relationship with him after that, you need to take a good long look at yourself and your standards.
You are young, you have a lot of life ahead of you. The way to know if something happens s good or right is what it feels like. When he says if you leave him he will have nothing more to do with his child does that make you feel nice and relaxed? No? Then you know it’s no good for you.
You deserve a man who is ablt to take your feelings imto account, is prepared to compromise, can apologise, who treats you with respect as who doesn’t threaten to cut contact with his child u lesss he gets his own way.

Cawfee · 17/09/2018 14:27

Oh OP :( you need more self respect. He shagged somebody else when you were apart. That didn’t work out so came back to poor old you, who’d been sat around with no life, just doing all the childcare (while he did none) but when he’d had his jollies and got bored, he thought he’d go back to the faithful, loyal old lapdog. Except you weren’t and you aren’t. That’s why he reacted like that when you said you’d got your jollies too. Didn’t like that info did he. He only wants you if he doesn’t have to make any effort. Now he knows you’ve been off having a life (too right too!) he’s feeling challenged and insecure and so he’s legged it. Again. Do you really want this guy? He paid no interest in his child during your split. RED FLAG. You’ll get back together, have another kid, he’ll get bored again and he’ll be off shagging somebody else in 2-3 years time. The reason is he’s shown how much respect he has for you. Zero. You’re just a “easy pick up” person when his life isn’t working out. Look at the stuff he said about your sister. Not exactly a declaration of undying love is it? Time to have more self worth. You are so young and there’s years and years to find somebody to settle down with. Just don’t do it with this rude nobber.

PickAChew · 17/09/2018 14:28

I'm amazed you want anything to do with him, tbh. He sounds like a fucking pillock.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2018 14:28

I’m 24, but by this age, couples are already settling down etc.

Bollocks, OP.
^^this

I met DH at 29 / 36. First child at 33/40. Trying for second at 37/44.

Ok that might seem too old for you but there's a ton of years in between.
You already have your son, he is your family. He is a better family on his own than his waste of a father could ever be.
There's no reason to assume you won't meet a MAN you deserve as opposed to this boy who hasn't grown up and thinks you're better than wanking alone after a microwave meal.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 17/09/2018 14:34

OP I know it feels like you need to get on with it to be a family but I absolutely promise you you don't

Met Exdh at 29
8 married at 30 , two dc one at 33 and one at 36 and now at 39 am restarting my relationship side with DP and honestly couldn't be happier

It's been really tough for is all but honestly not worse than staying in a toxic environment, my eldest DC has actually said this without prompting that he is happier now and my Exdh is nowhere near as much of a bastard as yours is

You really will be doing right by DC to let him go

Starlighter · 17/09/2018 14:41

I could never, ever, forgive my DH if he ever abandoned our dc. Our relationship is one thing but messing a dc around like that is despicable behaviour.

Red flags all over the place with this one. I’d count it as a lucky escape! You, and your ds, deserve so much better.

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2018 14:42

Settling down at 24? Some might, but I still had my head down the loo most weekends at that age. Married at 33, DCs at 34 and 39 - you have SO much time. Don’t waste it with that twat.

PeePeeHula · 17/09/2018 14:57

There's a reason most people aren't with their high school bf/gf for the long term. You'll be so much better off without him and be free to meet someone who deserves you!

slashlover · 17/09/2018 15:06

We’ve been together for so many years, we share a son together and we’ve been through a lot. I find t difficult to let him go. But I have to do it for my DS’s sake. I don’t want him to think this is the way you treat women.

Do it for your own sake too.

Think about what you are getting out of this relationship.

Does he support you while you're doing your Masters?
Does he make you feel loved and secure?
Can you rely on him to be there when you need him?
Does he support you emotionally and financially?
Does he build you up and make you feel special?
Does he communicate with you and listen to what you have to say?

You're 24. You could be with him for another 50/60/70 years or you could be with your child and wait for the right person.

SilverySurfer · 17/09/2018 16:11

You're never too old - my sister finally divorced her cheating DH at the age of 60. Five years later she met a man and is now living the life she deserves and they are having a wonderful life. If she can get rid of a loser at 60, you definitely can at 24. Your life has barely begun.

You deserve better, please enable that to happen by kicking this loser out of your life.

SoyDora · 17/09/2018 16:13

I was with my first boyfriend from 16-24. We split and I met my now DH a couple of years later (who I now have 2 (nearly 3) DC with).

notapizzaeater · 17/09/2018 16:15

Run, run fast and don't look back, he's a divk !

Nancydrawn · 17/09/2018 17:03

But I have to do it for my DS’s sake. I don’t want him to think this is the way you treat women.

This is true, OP. But you also don't want your son to think that this is the way that dads treat their kids. Because you know this isn't going to be the only time that your partner fucks off, threatens you with leaving, etc. And your son is going to grow up thinking his dad might leave at any moment. That causes huge amounts of instability and will be really hard on him.

Far better for you to grow strong and independent as a single parent, maybe meeting someone else who's strong and loving and independent and can create a stable home, than to live with your son in a constant state of fear that your partner/his dad will leave if you don't do exactly what he wants you to do.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 17:12

But you also don't want your son to think that this is the way that dads treat their kids. Because you know this isn't going to be the only time that your partner fucks off, threatens you with leaving, etc. And your son is going to grow up thinking his dad might leave at any moment. That causes huge amounts of instability and will be really hard on him.

This.

Your son would be better off living with a single mother who will never leave him than two parents and the constant fear that his dad might walk out.

The best outcome would be you going your own way and eventually getting together with another man who marries you, treats you properly and doesn't leave you, so your son grows up with the example of a father figure who sticks around, even if it's not his biological father.

magoria · 17/09/2018 17:22

When he comes back being amazing and forgiving you please don't fall for it and bend over to make sure he stays. There is fuck all for him to forgive. Don't forget that.

He is a hypocrite. He can shag others you can't.

He is a nasty bit of work putting you in your place looks wise so that you are grateful he is with you.

He only wants to see your DC if he gets to shag you. He doesn't care about his child just himself.

Your DC deserves better than this mess and confusion where his dad can't be bothered.

He is immature and nasty. You and your DC deserve better. The two of you make a family of your own without him.

CandidaAlbicans · 17/09/2018 17:36

If I had children and their father abandoned them for a few months I would never give him the chance to abandon them a 2nd time. He'd be gone. The instability it causes is so damaging.

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls
Sounds like a good result. Hopefully the wanker will fuck off for good and you can find a decent man.

But, is it bad to tell someone that "your sister is the prettiest out of your whole family?"
Yes, in my opinion, it is. My self esteem isn't as good as it should be yet I have zero tolerance to negging. And negging is exactly what he's doing.

BackInTheRoom · 17/09/2018 17:44

Scrolling through reading each post I was thinking 'I bet he'll threaten not to see his son and HE DID! OMG this looks like emotional abuse and if you can't see it OP, you need to take a hard look at yourself and do the necessary work to create self esteem, clear boundaries and deal breakers. Good luck👍

funnylittlefloozie · 17/09/2018 17:56

Can i suggest you look at your uni friends, and see how many of them are "settling down" at the vast old age of 24? Aren't most of them going into graduate careers, or post-grad study?