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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants nothing to do with me, because.....

201 replies

BSmart · 17/09/2018 10:05

I slept with someone else when we'd broken up.

This is how it started.

My partner and I have just recently gotten back together. We were talking casually on the phone, then one conversation led to another and he said " I was going out with someone, 2 years ago, when we'd broken up, she had two kids, was working for the council and so forth. I was fucking her but I soon got bored and the relationship just fizzled out". A bit hurt, I replied " Oh, ok, did I really need to know that ?". Then, when we were talking about my family, he mentions, "...you know your youngest sister, she's the prettiest out of your whole family, she's pretty you know". I replied " Why do you like putting me down ? That hurts you know, I don't care about you calling her "pretty" but to say she's the prettiest out of my whole family is hurtful". Partner laughs it off and says " Your being petty, I'm with you aren't I ? I have no interest in your sister, she's too young". After that, I didn't say much.

Moving forward in the conversation, we were talking about his real motive of him wanting to get back with me. I felt , because his getting older and wants to settle down, he would just settle for DS and I. He replied "How can you say that? I want to get back with you etc". Then I replied "Your just saying that because your lonely"; then he said " Trust me, I can get any woman". Me, knowing what he was getting at, I told him " Sex is easy" and he said " Really ? How do you know?". Then I told him "....because when we broke up, I had sex with someone else". He replied "What ? You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore". I said " How can you say that ? It's ok for you to tell me about your sexual encounters but I can't ? I have needs you know...you can expect me to be celibate when you disappeared for 7 months on end".

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls.

I know I was being petty. But is it bad that I had sex with someone else when we'd broken up ? It was a long time ago.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 11:28

A man who loves you encourages you to do well. They support you. They don't need friggen reassurance if you're doing a masters.

And is he paying child support. Is custody shared?

AsleepAllDay · 17/09/2018 11:28

He needs reassuring???

What about you? He just slut shamed you, called you petty, said you're not as pretty as your sister, laughed at you and so on

He should've kept his big gob shut!

As if for him 'wanting your hand in marriage,' of course he does - you're his victim and he can literally say awful things to your face and twist them around to make you feel bad. He can piss off for months and you still want him!

He wants to be with you to take advantage of you, throw him in the bin

2doubles · 17/09/2018 11:29

I just feel so bad. I should have just kept my mouth shut

No offence meant by this but you actually sound brainwashed. You're only thinking about his feelings...what about yours? Your feelings are valid.

FrenchJunebug · 17/09/2018 11:29

Maybe he needs reassuring ?

this is not your job to reassure him! Seriously he is bullying you and is being mean to you. You and your child deserve a better family.

Original poster
BSmart · 17/09/2018 11:29

Dickensian novel Confused.

OP posts:
Rockbird · 17/09/2018 11:29

I never get involved in relationship threads, but bloody hell. What you did was fine, don't worry about that. He sounds like a total arsehole. If you get back with him, never mind marry him you'd be off your bloody rocker! Whatever you do, don't even consider marrying this fuckwit, you will be completely throwing your life away.

Holidayshopping · 17/09/2018 11:29

Sorry.

His doesn’t = he’s. If you’re really doing a masters, you might want to get that one cracked.

OP-read your posts back to yourself. Surely you can see you can do so much better than him!

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 17/09/2018 11:30

He is treating you like shit and is jealous of the fact that you're clearly brighter than him. He is not a nice person op, we can see that from here. Please get rid, we don't even know you but we can see that you could do better than a jealous pissy manchild.

PatriciaHolm · 17/09/2018 11:31

I don’t think he meant to hurt me but he can’t comprehend the fact that he hurt me

Because he DOESN'T CARE that he did.

He's mean, demeaning, and thinks he is better than you and can do whatever he likes whilst you mope at home waiting for him.

Please don't put yourself and your child through this.

5SecondsFromWilding · 17/09/2018 11:35

EthelThePiratesDaughter are we even reading the same thread? Confused

The OP is in a relationship with a man who likes to make her feel like shit to keep her with him and make him feel big. And your advice skips straight to getting married before having any more children to ensure financial security? But you can't see why your comment is inappropriate?

HermioneGoesBackHome · 17/09/2018 11:35

I’ve noticed his been like this since I’ve started on my Masters course. I was no interest to him then (well not- really). But he has become ever so insecure since I’ve started.

Maybe he needs reassuring ?

Oh fuck that (sorry for the swearing)
He does NOT need reassuring. He is just getting itchy that actually you are a strong intelligent woman and he knows he won’t be able to control you for very long.
What he DOES need to to start to grow up.
You are not here to mother him like a child. You are an adult woman in her own right. Just like he is an adult man in his own right that really needs to grow up and stop manipulating you to get what he wants.

If he is so insecure, then he needs counselling. Not you getting ill overvalued what you should or shouldn’t have said. Not you acting like a mother towards her child. Bevuqse he is NOT a child anymore.

woollyheart · 17/09/2018 11:36

He is upset because he thought that were always available safely in reserve.
Now he is starting to realise that you might make something of yourself. Also, maybe he is not your only choice.

He sounds a bit of a loser to me.
You are wasting your time and effort bolstering him up. He is always going to try and knock you down if he sees you are at an advantage. Why continue to do that for someone who has so little respect for you and what you are doing?

It might be that he has a rather immature way of dealing with adversity - crying and insulting you/putting you in your place.

He needs time to consider his attitudes and reactions. I think that it is doubtful whether he will grow up quick enough for you to benefit from it.

Eliza9917 · 17/09/2018 11:37

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls.

Sounds like you're better off without him.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2018 11:37

You got together in your teens and had your sin and broke up about a year ago?

Why did you break up?

You said he disappeared for 7 months? What about his child?

Does he support his child financially and emotionally?

You started your masters and got back together - why? What changed?

Now he's bragging about his conquests, how much nicer your sister is if only she weren't too young... but has had a total flip because you dared to have sex with someone else when you weren't with him.

Why do you actually want to be with him?

Givemeallyourcucumber · 17/09/2018 11:38

If he loved you he would be happy for you and support you through your masters degree. Not need reassurance. What reassurance does he need? That he's still a big strong man with a big strong brain?

Come the fuck on now. He sounds like a prized tool.

I think he is an abusive cunt who has spent the last 9 years brainwashing you into thinking you are a worthless piece of trash and you are only good if you are with him and can be his play toy.

You can do masters if you wish. And do it well and deserve support for it. And happiness. You deserve to have a boyfriend who thinks your the greatest person in the world. Your child deserves a father who is there every day with a smile on his face and a hand out to hold for them and you.

Neither of you deserve this fuck with.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 17/09/2018 11:39

Btw, you haven’t said.
Why on Earth, if you are early 20s, is he your only chance to have a family???

Seriously at your age, you have PLENTY of time to find someone thatnis t a dick to have a nive family. One where your partner will support you and love you. Not manipulate or put you down. Or feel insecure because it happens you are clever.

MaryDollNesbitt · 17/09/2018 11:40

He's a twat. Leave him to his twatty ways and get the hell out now.

Jesus. Where do blokes like this come from?! Do they all lurk beneath layers of gunky pond scum, lying in wait for a victim? Hmm And why do so many women put up with them? Raise your standards and tell them to fuck off!

Original poster
BSmart · 17/09/2018 11:42

It was a typo Holiday. It’s the automatic spell check on my phone.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 17/09/2018 11:42

I was going to comment here but it's clear you've made your decision OP and I very much suspect you will stay with this man. Don't have another child with him, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt for both you and your children.

Zoflorabore · 17/09/2018 11:42

You sound like you are still in your early teens op. You are excusing him and defending him. He can say what he likes to you and you're chasing him with phone calls.

Please get some self respect.

He is dangling you by a thread. You are allowing this to happen.
Find a voice, channel your inner Ross Geller and tell him " we were on a break " Grin

TonTonMacoute · 17/09/2018 11:42

You have dodged a bullet OP. I once heard someone say of her OH that she had settled for second best. This guy doesn’t sound even that good!

LagunaBubbles · 17/09/2018 11:43

I don’t think he meant to hurt me but he can’t comprehend the fact that he hurt me. If you see what I mean

Of course he meant to hurt you, he knows exactly what he is doing and has you right where he wants you. And of course he can comprehend this, he just doesnt care. His ego has been bruised when you said you had slept with someone else.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 11:44

The OP is in a relationship with a man who likes to make her feel like shit to keep her with him and make him feel big. And your advice skips straight to getting married before having any more children to ensure financial security? But you can't see why your comment is inappropriate?

It's appropriate because ditching this man is only the first in a long list of things the OP should do to prevent herself ending up in a similar situation in future.

The fact that she's worried about this being her only chance to have more children when she is in her mid twenties suggests that unless she does some real soul searching and changes her habits she will just end up having another child with another arsehole who will up and leave whenever he feels like it.

Whocansay · 17/09/2018 11:45

OP, this guy is a controlling chauvinist who is jealous of your success. Every time you write a bit more about him, he sounds worse.

Is this prince among men ignoring his child too? Is he providing support for his child?

Why are you so desperate to make excuses for him? He really doesn't need reassurance.

But I don't think you're listening are you?

slashlover · 17/09/2018 11:45
  1. He told you he "fucked" someone else. Why?
  2. He told you that you're not as pretty as your sister and the only reason he's not with her is because she's too young.
  3. He doesn't care that he upsets you and invalidates your feelings by calling you petty.
  4. You think the only reason he wants to be with you is because he's getting older and will settle for you.
  5. He tried to make you insecure by telling you that he could have anyone.
  6. He emotionally manipulates you into feeling guilty for doing the exact same thing he did. In fact, it sounds like you slept with someone once and he had a relationship.
  7. He disappeared for 7 months.
  8. He doesn't like that you are making something of yourself by doing your masters. Because he wants you beholden to him.

If you give in now then you're giving him permission to treat you like crap in the future. He's waiting for you to crack and come crawling back to him. DON'T. After the way he's treated you in this one conversation, he should be begging you.

You're already thinking that he's your only hope for a family when you're an obviously intelligent young woman who coped without him for 7 montsh when he disappeared.

I'd also be interested in what caused you to split up before.