Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants nothing to do with me, because.....

201 replies

BSmart · 17/09/2018 10:05

I slept with someone else when we'd broken up.

This is how it started.

My partner and I have just recently gotten back together. We were talking casually on the phone, then one conversation led to another and he said " I was going out with someone, 2 years ago, when we'd broken up, she had two kids, was working for the council and so forth. I was fucking her but I soon got bored and the relationship just fizzled out". A bit hurt, I replied " Oh, ok, did I really need to know that ?". Then, when we were talking about my family, he mentions, "...you know your youngest sister, she's the prettiest out of your whole family, she's pretty you know". I replied " Why do you like putting me down ? That hurts you know, I don't care about you calling her "pretty" but to say she's the prettiest out of my whole family is hurtful". Partner laughs it off and says " Your being petty, I'm with you aren't I ? I have no interest in your sister, she's too young". After that, I didn't say much.

Moving forward in the conversation, we were talking about his real motive of him wanting to get back with me. I felt , because his getting older and wants to settle down, he would just settle for DS and I. He replied "How can you say that? I want to get back with you etc". Then I replied "Your just saying that because your lonely"; then he said " Trust me, I can get any woman". Me, knowing what he was getting at, I told him " Sex is easy" and he said " Really ? How do you know?". Then I told him "....because when we broke up, I had sex with someone else". He replied "What ? You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore". I said " How can you say that ? It's ok for you to tell me about your sexual encounters but I can't ? I have needs you know...you can expect me to be celibate when you disappeared for 7 months on end".

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls.

I know I was being petty. But is it bad that I had sex with someone else when we'd broken up ? It was a long time ago.

OP posts:
2doubles · 17/09/2018 12:30

I’m 24, but by this age, couples are already settling down etc

My life truly took of at 35. 24 is still very young. You have years to settle down with the right man.

2doubles · 17/09/2018 12:31

Though, he did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS and I

Oh fuckAngry. This thread is giving me the rage. What do your family think of this 'man'?

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 12:34

Though, he did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS and I

Oh god that's awful. He's blackmailing you that he will abandon his own child if you don't agree to be with him?

Ok tell him his relationship with his son is his decision. He needs to view that as seperately to his relarionshop with you. He needs to pay maintenance, (is he doing this) and take his share of care. Or walk away. But he still needs to pay and go through csa ( or whatever it's official title is)

The reality is it's probably better for your son if this man isn't involved in his life, the disappointment and hurt he will feel with a father who uses him as a weapon, and who abandons him at will, will damage him throughout his life.

You need to make it clear there will be no romantic relationship with you. You need to go on with your life, meet someone good who will love and respect both you and your son.

Not this piece of scum.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 12:35

Yes, he didn’t see his DS for 7 months. I know, I know, we had a huge argument about it. He said he saw the errors of his ways and wants to make a go of things again.Though, he did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS

I think I’m wasting my time.I’m 24, but by this age, couples are already settling down etc

Yes you are wasting your time with him, you are only 24, there are a whole list of big fat red flags with him that you are ignoring. And you are putting your unrealistic ideals onto a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Get out while you can.

kaitlinktm · 17/09/2018 12:35

I hope you meet someone really nice - say on the same Masters course - and then you will be able to understand why your current partner is no good for you. I think he is wondering if this will happen too which is why he wants to keep you in your box (ie prettier sister, other woman comments). He feels threatened that (a) you found yourself someone else whilst you were separated and that (b) you are beginning to question his so-called superiority. He is hoping to reel you back in with his silent treatment. Don't go back OP.

Also, I don't think you have answered whether he supports his child and whether he went out of his child's life for seven months as well as yours.

Courtney555 · 17/09/2018 12:36

Why don't you just stay with him OP. Let DS see how it's okay to treat you like this.

It's emotional abuse. He sounds very manipulative. And you have to think about the message this role model sends to DS.

When he's older, and you see DS following in his footsteps, good luck looking DS' partner in the eye.

PlinkPlink · 17/09/2018 12:37

No, no... People are not settling down at 24.

Early 20s are for fun.
Late 20s, early 30s think about settling down... maybe... if it's what you really want.

I met OH at 27. Been together 3 years. Love him to bits. We have a baby together now. Marriage in a few years. He's 10 years older than me.
At no point have we bragged about sleeping with other people. Ever. We respect each others feelings too much to discuss that. We talk about our exes every now and again but not in that way.

Go and meet someone who shows you respect and love OP. This guy really doesn't sound like he does.

Thebluedog · 17/09/2018 12:37

Sounds like he’s done you a massive favour..... never talk to this man again, he’s a complete wanker

TwoGreatOffers · 17/09/2018 12:37

OP, you're well rid of him. Trust me on that. Move on, don't look back and never speak to him again. There are lots of nice, genuine men out there who want to make you happy. He isn't one of them

slashlover · 17/09/2018 12:38

Though, he did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS and I.

He's emotionally blackmailing you and using your son against you. You coped perfectly fine without him for 7 months. Would you want to be with someone who could do that to HIS OWN SON just because you didn't want to be with him? He's already shown how little he thinks of you by abandoning you for 7 months.

lynmilne65 · 17/09/2018 12:38

'Twat badger ' !!!!!GrinGrinGrin

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 12:46

He's not paying for his kid is he op? He's not even sharing custody, is he?

Why would you want this deadbeat, abusive man in your child's life, never mind your own.

Is this how you feel a father behaves? Blackmails the mother to be with him or says he will abandon his kid?

What happens when you argue, will he abandon his child again? Use him as a weapon against you again?

Doesn't your child deserve to be protected from this?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 17/09/2018 12:46

You are young, find yourself a decent bloke. Someone who doesn't play stupid misogynistic, negging games because he's too insecure to have a proper relationship.

Chose someone who is happy to spend time with you and celebrates your achievements, supports you and loves you properly. Someone you can rely on, someone who is kind. No second guessing, no stupid games, no mind control.

EggMayonnaise · 17/09/2018 12:49

Thank your lucky stars that he has chosen to have nothing to do with you and you therefore don't have to put up with the fuckwit.

Honestly, why on earth were you even considering taking him back? He walked out of his son's life for 7 months and is willing to do it again, yet you still want him?

Work on your self esteem and tell him to fuck off.

crispysausagerolls · 17/09/2018 12:57

The way you are typing honestly reminds me of a relationship I had in my teens, and when I was a teenager and not willing to let it go. You are more concerned with “why won’t he call me” and “how can I get him to love me” than recognising you can do better and leaving. You are at the phase of “I won’t talk to him, I’ll block him...but only so he will realise how mad i am and come back!”

OP this guy is a twat and you don’t want him back, trust me.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 13:07

And if for some mad reason you're still unsure then get him to prove his commitments,

Set up regular child support payments via the child support agency. Set up regular custody, where he has the child every other weekend or whatever on his own.

Don't tell him it's a test, just explain this is what's required if he really has seen the error of his ways he will jump at it.

ThePinkOcelot · 17/09/2018 13:08

Here’s what I think. He’ll leave it for a few weeks, having ignored your calls. By which time you’ll be eternally grateful that he deigned to speak with you. He’ll agree to forgive you after you’ve grovelled enough. Then he’ll hav a permanent stick to beat with you with! He erode you’re confidence even more and you’ll be eternally grateful that he lowers himself to be with someone like you!!
Come on OP!! Wake up!! Smell the coffee and back and bin him FFS!!

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 17/09/2018 13:12

He sounds emotionally abusive OP. I think you should block him and read some books by Lundy Bancroft so that are avoid these type of guys going forward x

Bodear · 17/09/2018 13:24

OP, there are wise women on here. Listen to them and listen to your ‘d’h when he tells you who he is (ie actions speak louder than words).

RaininSummer · 17/09/2018 13:27

Goodness get rid of him now before your child gets older as even if you are daft enough to take him back it wont last and then you will have a heartbroken child too who doesn't understand why his Dad wont see him any more. He has made it clear that he is an immature, emotional bully who resents you moving forward in life and who obviously doesn't love his child for himself if he could drop them so quickly. Young relationships only rarely survive as the people change so much and mature at different rates, wanting different things. Have some self respect here - throw yourself into your studies - 24 is still v v young for settling.

Joysmum · 17/09/2018 13:32

You’re obviously an extremely clever person but you’re emotionally very immature.

You’re expectation bar is set so low a work day champion limbo dancer couldn’t siddle under it!

Even if you wake up to the face this man is a waste of air, your next relationship is likely to be no better unless you work on yourself first.

holrosea · 17/09/2018 13:34

He didn’t see his DS for 7 months. - His own son? Why are you even considering letting him walk in and out of both your lives?

He did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS and I. - this is blatant emotional blackmail and he is threatening to abandon his own son (again) unless you do what he wants. When he might disappear again anyway for another 7 months, or more.

Get rid of him, do your Masters and then thank your lucky stars that you dodged this bullet.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/09/2018 13:45

Your expectations of a relationship seem very low. Why would anyone put up with what he's done? He walked out on you and his DC for SEVEN MONTHS, didn't pay towards his DC, boasted of sex with other women, told you your sister is prettier than you - and then you're in the wrong for having a relationship? Can you not see how totally unreasonable he's being?

He's clearly scared of your achievements, which is why he's trying so hard to put you down.

Like a PP said, you're super intelligent in academic terms, but you seem very immature otherwise. I sympathize. I was the same at your age. No common sense at all.

Talking of age, 24 is no age. I married at 32 and had no trouble having two DC. You have lots of time to meet someone who deserves you.

Every month you waste with this bastard is a month in which you're not free to meet someone lovely. Grab the future with both hands, sweetheart.

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 17/09/2018 13:49

OP, you are still young. Concentrate on yourself and your son. You don't need him.

Pacificwander · 17/09/2018 13:57

Your son deserves better than this disgraceful excuse of a man.
Walks out on his ds and then is still continues to use his own ds as a tool to manipulate you.
Everything else he says is bullshit
Look at his actions and I don't mean his fake tears! Actions that meant opting out of parenting and threatening to do it again!

Start protecting your ds from actual hurt as next time it'll be your own sons real tears as to why his father abandons him!!
This is no longer about a selfish manipulative waste of space manchild. You should be and need to be disgusted by his behaviour towards your ds.