My partner wants nothing to do with me, because.....

[BSmart]

I slept with someone else when we'd broken up.

This is how it started.

My partner and I have just recently gotten back together. We were talking casually on the phone, then one conversation led to another and he said " I was going out with someone, 2 years ago, when we'd broken up, she had two kids, was working for the council and so forth. I was fucking her but I soon got bored and the relationship just fizzled out". A bit hurt, I replied " Oh, ok, did I really need to know that ?". Then, when we were talking about my family, he mentions, "...you know your youngest sister, she's the prettiest out of your whole family, she's pretty you know". I replied " Why do you like putting me down ? That hurts you know, I don't care about you calling her "pretty" but to say she's the prettiest out of my whole family is hurtful". Partner laughs it off and says " Your being petty, I'm with you aren't I ? I have no interest in your sister, she's too young". After that, I didn't say much.

Moving forward in the conversation, we were talking about his real motive of him wanting to get back with me. I felt , because his getting older and wants to settle down, he would just settle for DS and I. He replied "How can you say that? I want to get back with you etc". Then I replied "Your just saying that because your lonely"; then he said " Trust me, I can get any woman". Me, knowing what he was getting at, I told him " Sex is easy" and he said " Really ? How do you know?". Then I told him "....because when we broke up, I had sex with someone else". He replied "What ? You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore". I said " How can you say that ? It's ok for you to tell me about your sexual encounters but I can't ? I have needs you know...you can expect me to be celibate when you disappeared for 7 months on end".

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls.

I know I was being petty. But is it bad that I had sex with someone else when we'd broken up ? It was a long time ago.

You’ve been with him since early teens which means you literally don’t know any other sort of relationship. Well trust me this isn’t what a good relationship looks like.

I'm joining in the chorus on this one: you are better off without.

He told you unnecessary detail about another partner and said your sister was the prettiest in your family to needle you. He wants you to feel insecure and grateful that he'd be with you because your "not the prettiest" and he could get "any woman, any time". He is manipulating you and you should run.

Also, you are in your twenties. You have LOTS OF TIME to build your self esteem, evolve professionally, move jobs or move cities, there is a whole world out there and all the people in it. I promise you that this is not your last or only chance of a relationship, of growing your family or having a happy future.

Honestly, I think he sounds like a guarantee of a miserable future.

Go and have some fun love.
Why not see what or who else is out there?
Or read 'the game's and start playing him right back. Not a healthy relationship.

But as a general rule I would have huge misgivings about any man who was happy to get me pregnant but not willing to commit to marriage.

As a personal preference that's completely fine. But marriage isn't for everyone, isn't always sensible and, simply put, shouldn't be held up as the ideal for someone who is clearly not in the right headspace to be able to identify what an unhealthy relationship looks like.

PS. Massive double standard in his behaviour. Both of you could do whatever you like with whomever you like while broken up. The difference is that he doesn't like it when you were out having fun, getting attention and enjoying yourself on your own terms. Run.

Do you have a really good reason to be back with him other than extending your family?

He does seem to be trying to convince you that nobody else would be interested in you. Even your sister might be of more interest to him once she is older.....

You did nothing wrong. Maybe it has given him a shock that you weren't sitting at home pining for him.

I would believe what he is saying to you. He thinks other women should be available to him just because he likes the look of them. He doesn't rate you too highly and thought he was safe to do want he liked.

You can go along with this if you want. But you have plenty of time to extend your family, and you could do it with a man who actually appreciates and respects you.

He sounds really awful and manipulative op. Move on

As a personal preference that's completely fine. But marriage isn't for everyone, isn't always sensible and, simply put, shouldn't be held up as the ideal for someone who is clearly not in the right headspace to be able to identify what an unhealthy relationship looks like.

Generally speaking, the only women who don't benefit financially from being married before they have kids are the ones who are high earners or independently wealthy. I doubt the OP is in that boat, because if she were it's unlikely that she would be hanging around in an on-off relationship with a deadbeat loser.

It's far more likely that she's an ordinary woman who will take a hit to her income and future earning potential every time she has a child, in which case she'd be better off having a legal claim to the assets of any man she has a child with. (Unless of course she only goes for deadbeats with no income and no assets, which is of course quite possible.)

thought you said he wants nothing to do with you and isn’t answering your calls?

Now he doesn’t. But he was asking my hand in marriage before all of this.

No no no no no no to this man. Very rarely is a thread this unanimous. Listen to the posters here.

He sounds like shit! Weird and pervy and you can do so much better!

Move on OP!

He clearly expects you to be worshipping the ground he walks on, begging for him to come back. He obviously expected you to be broken and devastated when he'd left. So broken you couldn't even entertain the thought of another man

You've bruised his ego. It's okay for him to do that to you though because he's a fucking prick.

Move on and find a nice bloke. Not one who thinks they're better than you and you should be grateful for his presence in your life.

Ugh. Can't stand people like that.

He said that about your sister AND rubbed it in that he fucked someone else to hurt you. Doesn't matter if he was crying, jumping up and down or levitating as he said it, he was trying to make you feel shit

You're worth more than this. You're in your 20's. He isn't your only chance for a family. You are only starting out. Don't waste any more time on this loser.

He tells you your sister is prettier. He's not with her because she's too young. Not because he wants you more. Designed to make you feel second best. Undermine your confidence.

You know what type of person he is. This is not what a healthy relationship is like.

Let hi lm go. Run in fact. Here is so much better out there.

EthelThePiratesDaughter the OP's financial situation isn't what's being discussed. You're using finance to justify what was essentially a dickish comment.

I’ve noticed his been like this since I’ve started on my Masters course. I was no interest to him then (well not- really). But he has become ever so insecure since I’ve started.

Maybe he needs reassuring ?

I think his hurt because, when we originally became a couple in our teens. He was my first boyfriend and the first person I’ve lost my virginity too. He knew this. For the past 9 years, I haven’t had sex with anyone else but him. But, during our break, I met someone and one thing led to another. Oh I don’t know. I just feel so bad. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Believe me, you can do better. He will never be who you want him to be. He will destroy your self esteem and make you feel bad about decisions that have precisely nothing to with him. He wants to have you in reserve while he sods off doing whatever he likes and then shame you if you do something he does not approve of. No. He's a dick. Get rid.

"Maybe he needs reassuring?"

Dear God after all the advice you've been given, you'd still think that? Hopeless.

Honestly. How can you wish to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this badly? He's ignoring you and you co parent?

Seriously. You have a child to think of. You both need to grow the fuck up.

You’re not seeing what everyone is saying are you? Why should you be sat around pining for him when you’ve split up, but he’s allowed to have sex with whoever he chooses?
Yes he’s insecure, but not because he ‘needs reassuring’. Because he likes to control you and keep you exactly where he wants you.

Run. Run like the wind.

This thread is bizarre, some of your posts sound like they are written by my fourteen year old daughter and others sound like they are out of a Dickensian novel

He actually wants my hand in marriage

.

OP-this man sounds like a total dick; why would you want to have anything to do with him?

Oh come on.
It's all right for him to sleep with someone else while you were "on a break", but not for you? What were you supposed to be doing, waiting in a nunnery til he came back?

And now he has - he's ridden in, told you that you're not the prettiest in your family but he'll have you anyway, told you that he slept with some other woman but got bored, and that's all ok? And you're happy to be with that?

No no no no.
Bin him off.
He doesn't get to tell you that you have to behave "better" than him or he wants nothing to do with you. Fuck that, this isn't bloody Victorian England!

Is he staying in contact with his child while he’s ignoring you and refusing to answer your calls? I assume he’s still in regular contact with the child somehow, as he wouldn’t possibly be the type to abandon his child because he’s pissed off with you, would he?

You're using finance to justify what was essentially a dickish comment.

It's not a dickish comment in the context of the million and one threads we have every day from women whose "D"Ps have fucked off and left them holding the baby, and people saying, "But why did you have children with him in the first place?"

If OP is going to turn over a new leaf and have a new beginning (one involving higher standards) she might as well go the whole hog and avoid falling into the same traps too many other women do.