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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner wants nothing to do with me, because.....

201 replies

BSmart · 17/09/2018 10:05

I slept with someone else when we'd broken up.

This is how it started.

My partner and I have just recently gotten back together. We were talking casually on the phone, then one conversation led to another and he said " I was going out with someone, 2 years ago, when we'd broken up, she had two kids, was working for the council and so forth. I was fucking her but I soon got bored and the relationship just fizzled out". A bit hurt, I replied " Oh, ok, did I really need to know that ?". Then, when we were talking about my family, he mentions, "...you know your youngest sister, she's the prettiest out of your whole family, she's pretty you know". I replied " Why do you like putting me down ? That hurts you know, I don't care about you calling her "pretty" but to say she's the prettiest out of my whole family is hurtful". Partner laughs it off and says " Your being petty, I'm with you aren't I ? I have no interest in your sister, she's too young". After that, I didn't say much.

Moving forward in the conversation, we were talking about his real motive of him wanting to get back with me. I felt , because his getting older and wants to settle down, he would just settle for DS and I. He replied "How can you say that? I want to get back with you etc". Then I replied "Your just saying that because your lonely"; then he said " Trust me, I can get any woman". Me, knowing what he was getting at, I told him " Sex is easy" and he said " Really ? How do you know?". Then I told him "....because when we broke up, I had sex with someone else". He replied "What ? You know what, I don't want to talk to you anymore". I said " How can you say that ? It's ok for you to tell me about your sexual encounters but I can't ? I have needs you know...you can expect me to be celibate when you disappeared for 7 months on end".

Now, my partner wants nothing to do with me and is refusing to answer my calls.

I know I was being petty. But is it bad that I had sex with someone else when we'd broken up ? It was a long time ago.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 17/09/2018 11:45

However you will stay with this man I suspect, and this is when my patience runs thins because I also suspect you will bring at least 1 more innocent child into this mess of a relationship.

RabbitsAreTasty · 17/09/2018 11:46

Imagine not noticing or caring that you repeatedly hurt the person you want to marry. You are worth so much more.

You are young, you have time to meet men who are not arseholes. You could use a sperm donor of you want another baby. That would be better than tying yourself further to him.

How does he do now on his 50% of childcare? Did he manage to pay child maintenance OK when he disappeared for month? Presumably he missed all his contact time then?

2doubles · 17/09/2018 11:47

I’ve noticed his been like this since I’ve started on my Masters course. I was no interest to him then (well not- really). But he has become ever so insecure since I’ve started

He's shitting himself because your world's getting bigger and you may meet someone who will open your eyes to his treatment of you, he fears he's about to be found out.

5SecondsFromWilding · 17/09/2018 11:49

It's appropriate because ditching this man is only the first in a long list of things the OP should do to prevent herself ending up in a similar situation in future.

And we come full circle. Marriage does not prevent abusive relationship dynamics. Plenty of married people can vouch for that. It would, however, make ending the relationship more problematic.

Your comment was snobbish and inappropriate. Stop trying to justify it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2018 11:50

Oh also, he's punishing you until you get into a state of abject misery where you will do and agree to anything if he will only come back to you.

This gives him ALL the power in the relationship. This is not a good place for you to be.

Really think about whether this is the way you want to live the rest of your life - living with a man who thinks he has more rights than you and who uses sulking to get his own way.

BlueUggs · 17/09/2018 11:50

I think his hurt because, when we originally became a couple in our teens. He was my first boyfriend and the first person I’ve lost my virginity too. He knew this. For the past 9 years, I haven’t had sex with anyone else but him. But, during our break, I met someone and one thing led to another. Oh I don’t know. I just feel so bad. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

HE's hurt!!!!???? Who cares? This man is grade A cunt and has trained you to believe he is the best you can get. You can do a million times better!!!

IhatetheArchers · 17/09/2018 11:51

When did you start your Masters?

spacefighter · 17/09/2018 11:52

Why can't you seem to accept what the majority of people are saying to you?

firsttimebabybirther · 17/09/2018 11:52

I don't think this boy is capable of an adult relationship unfortunately , not worth your time and certainly not marriage material. It all sounds a bit teenager-y and trivial , move on.

TriptychTwins · 17/09/2018 11:55

He was crying and telling me that he really wants us to get back together

It's called emotional blackmail. He needs you a lot more than you need him. Find someone who doesn't try to make you feel like crap and who isn't a total hypocrite.

Telling you that he could get any woman (highly unlikely) is just childish and pathetic and the sign of a very insecure and ineffectual individual.

Do yourself and your son a favour and leave this guy behind. You'll be glad you did.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 11:57

Your comment was snobbish and inappropriate. Stop trying to justify it.

All the threads started by unmarried Mumsnetters who get left in the shit when their "D"P does a runner justify my comment. I don't care if you find it snobby. HTH.

RabbitsAreTasty · 17/09/2018 11:59

He can't get any woman. I am a woman. I wouldn't touch him with someone else's shitty stick. Not even if he had the wealth of Bill Gates, the looks of George Clooney and the comic timing of my own DH. I sincerely doubt he has any of those anyway.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2018 12:01

You're sounding very like a surrendered "wife" type, OP. Bit concerning that ALL your thoughts are about how HE feels and no worry about how he's treating you.

Transpeaked · 17/09/2018 12:02

You’re with a coercively controlling, abusive git.

5SecondsFromWilding · 17/09/2018 12:07

EthelThePiratesDaughter you're going to forget all the threads started by married women who definitely shouldn't still be with their husbands then? But don't/can't leave because of the practicalities of divorce. Convenient.

OP, please do read the other advice you've been given. I've been where you are. It's hard to change where your head is in your circumstances. The best thing I ever did was leave him and spend some time building myself up to have more regard for my own needs. The idea is terrifying on your side of things but I promise it's worth it.

And for Christ's sake, don't marry him. He's a loser. It would make your situation far worse.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 17/09/2018 12:08

I have nothing to add to what everyone else has said except you deserve better...much much better.

Tell him to do one

As you have proved there are plenty of men out there and loads of nice ones who won’t talk to you in this way or behave like a twat when you tell them you’ve done the th8ng they did,

He’s an arsehole and you’re well rid of him.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 12:12

Run for the hills, you dodged a bullet, he sounds nasty. He's done you a huge favour.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/09/2018 12:13

OP, please listen to everyone. This man is a bad bet as a partner. For God's sake don't marry him. From what you say you are in a very unhealthy relationship. Take advantage of him cutting you off and cut him off too.

I know about healthy relationships. I was in one (I'm a widow) and I see them in other family members.

DS2 left school before finishing his A levels. His longterm girlfriend is doing a Masters. She's on track to do a PhD. He is so proud of her. He always treats her with love and respect. The idea that he'd put her down because she's better educated is absurd.

He drove 8 hours to take her back to university this weekend and came back yesterday for work this morning. He has a very good job and works hard.

We share a house so I know how well he treats her. They're both broody but won't be able to start a family for years. My DS is saving for a deposit for their first little place. They plan to marry before TTC.

This is how it's supposed to be. Love, respect and planning for the future.They are in their twenties too.

Inertia · 17/09/2018 12:16

Of course it isn't bad to have sex with someone new when a previous relationship has ended and both parties have moved on.

You feel bad because he's trained you that way- let him do and say what he wants, let him have sex with whoever he pleases, but you'd best not step out of line.

You're young, you've got years ahead of you to grow your family with someone who isn't an utter arse.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 12:18

5SecondsFromWilding No one is saying she should marry him. But in my experience, having children before marriage when you want to be married goes hand in hand with having low standards and choosing men who don't really give a shit about you.

KnotsInMay · 17/09/2018 12:18

He “fucks” a woman til he gets bored, tells you he ‘can get any woman’ goes on about your sister and apparently the only reason he is not interested is that she is too young (Well, that’s lucky....) , tells you you are ‘petty’ for questioning HIS comments on women, but won’t speak to you because you saw someone else while you were split up?

Appalling attitude to women, double standards, puts you down.....

And why on Earth are you doubting that it was shit behaviour to be going on about your sister to you?

Original poster
BSmart · 17/09/2018 12:23

Yes, he didn’t see his DS for 7 months. I know, I know, we had a huge argument about it. He said he saw the errors of his ways and wants to make a go of things again.

Though, he did mention that if I don’t agree to be a “family” with him. He would want no more to do with DS and I.

I think I’m wasting my time.

I’m 24, but by this age, couples are already settling down etc.

OP posts:
EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 12:26

I’m 24, but by this age, couples are already settling down etc.

Bollocks, OP.

I met my husband at 25, married at 31, we're now 32 and not even trying tor kids yet.

In ten years time most of the couples you know who are "settling down" now will have split up, and you'll still have a good few years of childbearing years ahead of you.

SoyDora · 17/09/2018 12:29

Yes, he didn’t see his DS for 7 months

That tells you all you need to know.

He said he saw the errors of his ways and wants to make a go of things again

But that’s not true is it? Because he’s now doing the same thing again. Not seeing his son because he’s pissed off at you.

I met my DH at 26, which was young for my social circle! Married at 28, now 33 and expecting DC3.

Womaningreen · 17/09/2018 12:29

I don't really care that he didn't see his son. He sounds like a horrible person and one that should be kept away from DC.

You need to start fresh OP and have some counselling or something so you know what a decent relationship looks like.

there is no benefit to this man whatsoever. Get him paying what he owes and let him see the boy if he wants to but other than that, it's your life now.

most of my friends had DC around 40!