Can't stop crying. No idea why.

[TheCakeDiet]

Hello

I'm. It sure relationships is the right place for this, but I didn't know where else to post.

This is probably going to be really long and it will sound mad. And It is more than a bit mad but I am truly losing my mind over it, so have come here for help/advice. I am so ashamed.

I am linking to a thread I posted a week ago. It gives you some context of where my head was just seven days ago - only 21 posts to read, so hopefully not too long to get through. You will see that I was a bit upset/worried about DDs BF, for reasons that are clear within the linked thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3361138-Worried-about-DDs-BF

Update since my last post....

Since then I have found myself falling into a very strange place - I kind of alluded to it in my last post in the previous thread, but I am not quite sure what has happened to me. I am posting here in the hope someone will recognise my thinking/behaviour and can help me crawl out of this black hole.

In a nutshell, I have become obsessive and bereft over this ridiculous non-relationship between two kids. For the first time in my life, I can't sleep at night, have cried at least five times a day, every day, I am treating my DD appallingly because she won't even see him to give him some closure or 'try again' and am being selfish, ridiculous and quite mad. I have no idea what this is really about. It surely can't really be this straight forward? I feel like I am losing my mind because the rational part of me recognises that i can't be this upset about a teenage breakup (I have honestly never been over-involved in anything like this before) so I am wondering if it has triggered something in me but I don't know what, and I can't make this stop. I literally can't eat and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for a week. I feel on the brink of tears the whole time and completely preoccupied with a need to 'fix' everything so DD can enjoy the feeling of someone loving her so much and being giddy with love herself.

I have no history of depression or mental illness, and this is despite spending the last ten years in a toxic relationship with a functioning but volatile alcoholic. (Last five sexless). Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me.

All I keep thinking about is how much this boy loves DD and how much happiness he could bring her - just for a while until it naturally fizzled out - and she him - and she is throwing it away without a backward glance. I know she is too young and I don't even recognise these thoughts as anything like my own. If you'd asked me four weeks ago, I would have said that I wasn't interested in teenage drama and DD is far too young to have a BF.

I have never checked her messages or anything like that before, but because I was worried about him being bullied but also slightly struggling with DDs sudden and rather cold change of heart, I had a quick scan to make sure this wasn't about something else - him pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for and her not wanting to tell me or similar. Now I wish I hadn't seen them because it's only made me feel worse. He is lovely, kind, a bit cheeky but respectful and completely head over heels, she had reciprocated in the same way and had told him she loves him. Messages are sweet and loving and then suddenly, she becomes distant and ends it. He is bereft. She won't give him any explanation. I stepped away at that point (hating myself for being waaaaaaay too involved) but now I feel even more heartbroken for him and even less sympathetic to my own DD who I love with all my heart, but feel inexplicably angry with.

DD doesn't know I've read her messages and I will never tell her. She has played down what they were about, saying she never liked him that much (I know this is a lie) and it's not her fault she has moved on. This is 100% true but it crushes me every time she says it.

I don't need anyone to tell me I am being over-invested, ridiculous, unkind to DD, a bad Mother or anything else like that. I KNOW. I feel quite deranged by it all and cannot believe how I feel and how I am behaving. I spent all of today in my room alternating between crying and staring into space. I cooked the family meal and went through the motions of that, sat with DS whilst he his homework but honestly felt 'removed' as though I wasn't really there. I know that there must be something else at play here, but I don't know what. Or how to let it go.

It's not as simple as 'get a grip'. If I could, I would have. I am the most sensible, level headed, relaxed parent usually, but right now, if I could make DD go back to him, I would. Which is MAD. And I am thoroughly ashamed to feel this way.

So what's going on? Why have I fallen apart? Why am I so upset? How do I make these thoughts stop? Am I finally revealed as a hideous over-involved nightmare parent or is this a trigger for something else? My poor DD.

Poor you. I don’t know what to say but didn’t want to read and run.

What I can say is that I’m sending you good vibes - you will figure it out I’m sure. For what it’s worth, it does sound like this has triggered something quite deep in you.

Does the ex-BF remind you of something? Reading his and her messages may have enabled you to experience emotions that you had been holding at bay for a long time but, much as in the same way that watching a film can set off an emotional chain, feeling close to the relationship by reading their words to each may have intensified feelings you weren’t even conscious of having and now they’re pouring out.

It sounds like such a lot has happened for you and you’re trying to cope with such a lot. You know that on one level - if a friend came and described what you’ve described here you’d probably say wow you’re going through some really tough things here. Hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself and get some rest this evening. Sleep will help.

I think that you're codependent with your alcoholic H.

This boy reminds you of your younger H or someone else who you adored and we're codependent with when you were very young and vulnerable.

You are angry with DD for not being codependent with this fantasy image, on your behalf. You need her to care for this boy, so that your codependency makes sense and is ok. You will have lost and suffered a lot because you're codependent and dd's refusal to be codependent with this boy is throwing all of that into question and causing you massive pain/cognitive dissonance. On some level you believe the only relief you'll get is if DD capitulates.

You desperately need to get a counselling appointment. Do you work? Do you have an EAP?

Sounds like you're projecting onto your daughter, you need to figure out why. You're not mad, not a bad mum and definitely shouldn't feel ashamed to post on here. Something is going on, sounds like you're dealing with a lot, maybe you want so desperately for your daughter to be happy because you're not? Ultimately it is up to her who she wants to be with and shouldn't be influenced by you or anyone else, just be there for advice and guidance when she needs it. I think it would help you to write a few things down to try and identify your thoughts and feelings, pro con list sort of thing?? Noticing a behaviour pattern or thought process may help you realise why you're behaving this way. I hope your head feels a bit clearer after a good nights sleep, and maybe some time to yourself, have a pampering day to soothe your frazzled mind?

You are not unkind or a bad mother.
It seems as though this has triggered very deep feelings and emotions for you.
Your description of recent events in your life are heartbreaking, you’ve coped with so much terrible stuff. Sometimes a small event can just send us over the edge.
Please try and see a doctor soon and get some professional help, maybe counselling or therapy.
Try Al Anon too, they’re very non judgmental and supportive.

I agree it sounds like you are projecting into your DDs situation. Also you have an awful lot of stress in your real life. I remember a time when I had alsorts going on, break up of long term relationship, parents going through problems, fall out with sister, money worries, all happening all at the same time. I thought I was generally ok at the time, coping and keeping my spirits up. Then somebody I cared about was a bit out of order with me (not to an unforgivable degree) and I fell apart. Like you describe. I could not stop crying, couldn’t function. It was an absolute overreaction to that one thing but honestly looking back it was an overwhelming reaction to a build up of everything that had been going on. It sounds like something similar, coupled with maybe you don’t want your daughter to have your life, and I don’t say that to be cruel. With me it just took some time and looking after myself to come round. Reach out to your friends and family for support, they will want to help and support you. I don’t think this is really about your DDs situation at all

Thank you thank you for being kind and not telling me how ridiculously I am behaving (which I am).

As I type this, DD is happily chatting to her friend and I am thinking "What's wrong with you? Why are you chatting about rubbish with your fiend when you could be talking meaningfully and experiencing something amazing with a boy who loves you?" I don't understand how this isn't her default. And I don't understand myself for feeling like this and thinking like this.

This sounds ridiculous but I kind of feel like I am grieving. Or that I am having MY heart broken - I just don't understand it at all. I feel like a dam that has been broken Over effectively nothing that directly involves me. I literally have snot running down my nose and can't stop crying and feeling angry with DD.

If as you say I am transferring onto DD, or this has triggered a sensation I have been trying to suppress/ignore, what the hell do I do? How do I stop it? I need to be a functioning member of the family - DH isn't really after 6pm - and I have to shore people up when he gets shitty. And yet despite knowing all this, all I really want to do is call her ex and tell him to come and make her see sense. My brain won't switch off, it's scaring me.

It sounds like you feel responsible for his happiness because he trusted you with his sadness. Is it possible you feel this way often? I don't mean that in a mean way, I know I do it, my friend is always reminding me that I'm not responsible for everyone else!
It sounds like a miserable situation for you

Do you feel she is throwing away something that you wish you had (his undivided love)? Perhaps how much he loves her makes you realise something like that is lacking for you (as it is for many people).

You need experienced professional support. Something important is happening to you and you need someone to hold your hand.

Do you work? Do you have an EAP? If not. Have you money to access a psychologist as a matter of urgency?

It sounds like this is a straw and camels back situation.

You ideally need to go and see your GP who will be able to refer you for some counselling and possibly prescribe you drugs. Ideally, you wouldn't be with a ranting alcoholic but I realise it's not always as simple as saying 'leave him'.

Is private therapy a possibility, in terms of time and money? I think you've got a lot to explore.

I have been in a similar state this week over something apparently minor in my life. I ended up for the first time ever in the GP’s office sobbing as I had barely slept for days. She was amazing and with a few gentle questions connected the minor event to something that happened to me as a child. My mind had unconsciously linked the two things and it triggered a massive anxiety response. I still feel very keyed up but infinitely better than I did. She gave me Diazapam to get me sleeping again.
The most helpful thing was actually acknowledging and accepting the real issue. It’s like a boil bursting.

I do feel like something inside me has tipped. I am a good sleeper and pretty good at purring one foot in front of the other, but I can't sleep and I can't seem to function. My thoughts do feel obsessive and I can't bare it that I can't solve this and make this poor boy (who I barely know) feel better. It is this and the anger and frustrations I feel to DD for turning away from something potentially 'wonderful' that keeps making me cry.

@DonkeyPlease I work freelance and money is very tight at the moment. I wouldn't know where to begin finding counselling, or how to pay for it. Do you really think I need it?

I don't really have one I could talk to in RL. No family at all, and friends would think I was mad so people here taking the time to consider what might be going on, and be kind to me is truly appreciated.

Maybe you have suppressed so much -Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me
And living with an alcoholic so the sadness goes on, and it is pouring out now. See your GP tomorrow a a start.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It must be horrible. Please go and get some serious professional help. Go to your GP urgently and also consider some private counselling if you can afford it.

@mybumpisonlypudding yes. There is an element of that, yes. I want to fix it for him. I can't bare that he has given this brave outpouring of love to DD and she has tossed it aside.

I think you need to look at professional help for yourself, as it sounds like there are underlying issues here.

You’re giving your 14 year old daughter a very dangerous message. She’s not responsible for the happiness of a boy/man in her life. She shouldn’t be expected to remain in a relationship to appease someone else.

OP your daughter hasnt turned away from something wonderful she has shut down a potentially codependent relationship - there are signs in his behaviour that your daughter got a lucky escape. No one should be responsible for anyone else's happiness apart from their own.

So this isnt about your DD (who made the right decision for her) or her ex BF (who needs to find support from his parents) but YOU. What about this relationship reminds you of yours with your ex husband. Are you the BF who desperately needs your H to survive or are you secretly your daughter - waiting for something wonderful in the relationship and holding on but actually you should be doing what she did.

You should be proud of yourself as a mother and the daughter you raised

@JustHereForThePooStories Four weeks ago, I would have have written your response. I have always told DD to punch high in everything and not be a people-pleaser. And yet here we are, with me neither thinking, feeling or behaving in a way that I recognise as myself. This is frightening to me.

I honestly think you need to see a doctor urgently. It sounds like your having some form of breakdown.

Call the doctors first thing tomorrow and make an emergency appt and leave your daughter alone in the meantime. Explain to your partner and need emergency medical care and he will need to step up for the kids.

Is DD your only daughter? Do you have sons?

I think your DD should be able to make her own decisions re relationships and she's very young. She also probably has seen what you put up with and probably has doubts about relationships.

With the boy you've told the Mum, that's all you need to do, if you are still worried tell the school but would then draw a line under it.

I would then focus on improving your lives - will your husband get help, can you leave him if not even if temporary?

@JustHereForThePooStories I have a DD and a DS. DD is older by nearly two years.

@Penguinsnpandas You are right I'm sure. But I can't seem to feel that way no matter how much I want to.

OP - in addition to possibly projecting something from our life - the cause of this all could be physical and you might want to get yourself checked out.
You might have hormonal fluctuations that are causing this.
Onset of menopause, thyroid, etc.
If you can see your doctor - no harm in ruling those out.

Could it be as someone else has said that you subconsciously wish someone (perhaps your ex) loved you as much as he seemed to love your DD, and feel almost resentful that she doesn’t seem to appreciate that and that you don’t have it?

I don’t mean that in a horrible way, more that it might be a subconscious thing. And you don’t sound mad or like a bad Mum, you sound genuinely concerned and insightful about how you feel which shows that you do care

My counsellor explained to me that we can take so much in life but it can take something simple to tip us over the edge.

Think of it like a glass water. You keep pouring water in (ie troubles) and at some point it spills over.
Now it could be something really minor that actually caused the water to spill over.

In my case it was some guy I barely knew rejected me. It was ridiculous really. But it was the last thing in a really shit time in my life.
I suggest gp as well. Ask for referral to counselling.