Can't stop crying. No idea why.

[TheCakeDiet]

Hello

I'm. It sure relationships is the right place for this, but I didn't know where else to post.

This is probably going to be really long and it will sound mad. And It is more than a bit mad but I am truly losing my mind over it, so have come here for help/advice. I am so ashamed.

I am linking to a thread I posted a week ago. It gives you some context of where my head was just seven days ago - only 21 posts to read, so hopefully not too long to get through. You will see that I was a bit upset/worried about DDs BF, for reasons that are clear within the linked thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3361138-Worried-about-DDs-BF

Update since my last post....

Since then I have found myself falling into a very strange place - I kind of alluded to it in my last post in the previous thread, but I am not quite sure what has happened to me. I am posting here in the hope someone will recognise my thinking/behaviour and can help me crawl out of this black hole.

In a nutshell, I have become obsessive and bereft over this ridiculous non-relationship between two kids. For the first time in my life, I can't sleep at night, have cried at least five times a day, every day, I am treating my DD appallingly because she won't even see him to give him some closure or 'try again' and am being selfish, ridiculous and quite mad. I have no idea what this is really about. It surely can't really be this straight forward? I feel like I am losing my mind because the rational part of me recognises that i can't be this upset about a teenage breakup (I have honestly never been over-involved in anything like this before) so I am wondering if it has triggered something in me but I don't know what, and I can't make this stop. I literally can't eat and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for a week. I feel on the brink of tears the whole time and completely preoccupied with a need to 'fix' everything so DD can enjoy the feeling of someone loving her so much and being giddy with love herself.

I have no history of depression or mental illness, and this is despite spending the last ten years in a toxic relationship with a functioning but volatile alcoholic. (Last five sexless). Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me.

All I keep thinking about is how much this boy loves DD and how much happiness he could bring her - just for a while until it naturally fizzled out - and she him - and she is throwing it away without a backward glance. I know she is too young and I don't even recognise these thoughts as anything like my own. If you'd asked me four weeks ago, I would have said that I wasn't interested in teenage drama and DD is far too young to have a BF.

I have never checked her messages or anything like that before, but because I was worried about him being bullied but also slightly struggling with DDs sudden and rather cold change of heart, I had a quick scan to make sure this wasn't about something else - him pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for and her not wanting to tell me or similar. Now I wish I hadn't seen them because it's only made me feel worse. He is lovely, kind, a bit cheeky but respectful and completely head over heels, she had reciprocated in the same way and had told him she loves him. Messages are sweet and loving and then suddenly, she becomes distant and ends it. He is bereft. She won't give him any explanation. I stepped away at that point (hating myself for being waaaaaaay too involved) but now I feel even more heartbroken for him and even less sympathetic to my own DD who I love with all my heart, but feel inexplicably angry with.

DD doesn't know I've read her messages and I will never tell her. She has played down what they were about, saying she never liked him that much (I know this is a lie) and it's not her fault she has moved on. This is 100% true but it crushes me every time she says it.

I don't need anyone to tell me I am being over-invested, ridiculous, unkind to DD, a bad Mother or anything else like that. I KNOW. I feel quite deranged by it all and cannot believe how I feel and how I am behaving. I spent all of today in my room alternating between crying and staring into space. I cooked the family meal and went through the motions of that, sat with DS whilst he his homework but honestly felt 'removed' as though I wasn't really there. I know that there must be something else at play here, but I don't know what. Or how to let it go.

It's not as simple as 'get a grip'. If I could, I would have. I am the most sensible, level headed, relaxed parent usually, but right now, if I could make DD go back to him, I would. Which is MAD. And I am thoroughly ashamed to feel this way.

So what's going on? Why have I fallen apart? Why am I so upset? How do I make these thoughts stop? Am I finally revealed as a hideous over-involved nightmare parent or is this a trigger for something else? My poor DD.

Yes. I could delete the screenshots. I should. I can’t explain why that feels hard and final., but it does. I think it would help me to delete - remove the option and it would certainly be they right thing to do by DD, I know that and I know I have to.

@AlmaGeddon I think I’m getting ready to accept that this might have to happen. I had always thought I’d keep my head down till the DC left school - I didn’t see ‘this’ coming though. I don’t have any money. Not a single penny to my name - it wouldn’t be easy.

If you do want to change, can I suggest that you start off by deleting the screen shots and anything that is contributing to this ruminating. Stop feeding it. Then order a book on self-help cognitive therapy from Amazon. That's not so you can fix yourself but so you can recognise the unhelpful thoughts and make an choice not to dwell on them. I'm not saying it will fix anything but it will probably be something you'll have to do so try to start now. Put some healthy functions into your life (a walk, regular meals, baking) that will use up some time and keep you halfway occupied. Make the choices!! You'll hear this from whoever you end up seeing so you may as well begin.

I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t go to a refuge because he would have been livid and caused trouble. I couldn’t leave he area because I was caring for my mum. I felt trapped
You don't know how your leaving would have played out, this is one possibility, it might be you are trapping yourself. He might have said good riddance and never spoken to you again is another possibility.

@AlmaGeddon Re my teenage years - they sound similar to yours. Healthy amount of boyfriends, snogging, heartbreak, drama, more snogging and three of four serious relationships before H.

How I am so invested in this non-event is genuinely beyond me.

@politicalgames Your advice is sound. Thank you. I was thinking of going to the library already to see what they have. I realise it won’t solve but I am so tired now. DD and my awful boundary-stepping aside, I am tired from not sleeping and I just want to stop for long enough to read a book or watch some tv and just switch off.

Definitely sounds worth speaking to someone at women's aid. I'm sure they will be good listeners. Just to talk to someone and explain your dilemma re leaving him even if that is not the route you go down. Talking to someone is what you need right now imv. It Will help to stop stuff going round in your head.

I hope you find some peace of mind soon OP. Remember you can always make an appointment to go down and talk to the Samaritans if you need someone to listen. I've done it several times. Those days seem a long time ago now but I do remember it getting me through a difficult time.

What about your Mum and probate is there anything there that you could use to escape

I think the truth of it is you are trapped in a highly abusive relationship

Quartz2208. Possibly. But there is a lot of £££££ to be spent (which I currently don't have) before I can reap anything back if that makes sense. It's in the back of my mind though, like a little shiny glimmer.

I feel like I've slightly outstayed my time on this thread. You are all so kind and I'm not looking for lots of people to insist it's fine, but I am aware that I am going round in circles because I can't break this awful thinking pattern. I promise you I am reading everything and clicking every link. I promise you that a small rational part of me knows that you are all probably right and this is a symptom, and that just because I can't feel the big thing (because I suppose I'm now numb to it), it doesn't mean it's not there. Kind of like having a life-limiting illness that doesn't actually hurt, but the medication is making you itch like buggery and that's all you can focus on.

But I also know that there is another (currently dominant) part of my head, saying 'they're all wrong, what do they know? You know and you are right that t's essential that you fix this thing with DD and BF. She's your DD, you know best and then everything will be better."

I am trying very hard to ignore that voice but it is the loudest.

Thank you all again. I hope I'm not going on to much. I sense I am but maybe that's part of the whole 'thing'. The need to keep talking about it somewhere.

Whilst I would strongly advocate not ruminating about this and using what ever strategises help you to step away from it, what happens if you allow the "I must fix it...then everything will get better" thoughts to follow on. What will get better? For her or for you? What does better look like? Why is this is boy the solution for better and not you? The boy you are imagining as the "fix" is a fantasy, so what fantasy is it?
As for your marrriage-Leaving is hard. Staying is harder. It sounds awful and you deserve more. Again you can only fantasise about how your husband will actually react to your leaving. The reality may be better or worse but at this point you don't know, you think.
You sound lovely and have great insight into some very painful and scary thoughts. Try to act and take control of what you can-delete screen shots and photos, go to the library, phone women's aid. Thoughts are not facts nor are they in charge of you. You are stronger than your thoughts.

Say your DD came home tomorrow and said 'BF and I are back together.' What would you think/feel?

I have deleted the screenshots . It honestly felt like I was ripping up wedding photos. Ridiculous.

I've cried and it's done

I also went to the library and have a book about CBT, a book about living with alcoholics and a copy of Untangled which is targeted at parents of teens girls - I,hoping it will help me be more respectful of how her mind is working instead of focusing on just how my mind is working.

I now just have to sit still and focus for long enough to actually read them.

@whatwouldnigellado

I do t k ow what better looks like, it I think it feels safer. Like someone apart from me has got DDs back, and also someone is showing her what a healthy relationship looks like. The 'benefit' tome is that someone is doing a better job of giving her good feelings than her parents. Maybe,,,.

@Spaghettijumper Right now, honestly? I'd quietly say "oh that's nice, I'm glad you're happy" but inside I'd be exploding with completely disproportionate joy. No point in pretending otherwise.

You say 'disproportionate joy' Why/in what way would it be disproportionate?

Thecakediet

If your daughter is coerced into a relationship, she can be coerced into anything. That does not make her safe. That is not a healthy relationship.

How is your daughter behaving - is she withdrawn? is she not sleeping? is she lethargic and not spending time with friends?

I think you will come back and say no to all the above and this would be becuase the break up wasn't a big deal to her. She PLAYED along with the being in love emotions and having a BF but got bored.

As you say, she is just 13, just 13 that means not long ago whe was 12 and the boy in question i think you said was 14/15? way more emotionally mature than your DD

I've got no words of wisdom to help you with this, but i do agree with other posters that this isn't about your DD it's about you.

I think you're putting their relationship in terms of being a mature couple with work and family all settled and she would be loved. But you're missing out on the exciting stages for her of friendships, holidays, school, college etc etc etc. She might meet the best man for her when she's in her 30's and that would be fine. But i think you are thinking this boy is the best becuase for you, he would have been.

don't confuse the two

From your reply about someone having your daughters back, I wonder if something you said before about plodding along till the kids were older is connected. maybe her starting a relationship (though I'm Not sure that's really the best term for a short term thing at 13!) allowed your brain to start in some level thinking about freedom from your own misery as she would be "safe". Maybe now that door has "closed", it's alarming to think how long it will be till you are able to free yourself based on the conditions you feel you need to adhere to? All of this is one of many hypotheses that could be going on and that you really need some support to explore. Could you speak to women's aid to ask if there is low cost counselling anywhere near you (there is in parts of London).
Well done for the steps you have taken. What else would help you?

Straw and camel's back. Too much to cope with. You must get help. Emergency gp appointment. I am going through similar. 3 bereavement s have both pushed me too far and unexpectedly brought up all sorts of other shit going right back to childhood. Didn't see that coming. X

Hello. I had tried to stay away from the thread for a bit as I was starting to feel that it was slightly fuelling my obsession by allowing me to dwell on DD and BF, but actually if I don't release a bit every now and then, it just seems to build up till I feel so hard I could snap. In all honesty there has been brilliant advice on here, wise words, stem words, kind wishes and some probably very accurate hypothesis on what is going on, but... But, as things stand, I'm not actually feeling any different.

It's like a million people saying "look! It's blue - you see? We all see blue!" and me thinking, well they are all colour experts with 2020 vision, so it must be blue, but fuck it - looks red to me, and I think I have a better view from this angle so maybe they're all wrong".

I spoke to a good friend in RL - she is wise and kind and said some of the things PP have said. That she understood how the idea of this boy is so appealing, that she saw some logic in why I feel panicked that DD has discarded him, and she understood the "safe hands" thing. She equally said that it wasn't really rational, I was obsessing, I have lost perspective and he is clearly a trigger for something. Literally, not one person has concluded any differently but I still can't get on board.

Nice RL friend sent me link to a good therapist her friend has used but I called, and it's £95 an hour. So that's the end of that! I can't see a doctor any sooner either. I called again today to find out and when they asked what was wrong I explained that I was feeling very anxious and they said I would have to wait. I am well aware that the referral from that point will also be a considerable wait as well

So forgive me coming back here, no less preoccupied than I was, but it's hugely helpful to keep reading all the wisdom and the reassurance that this can be fixed. Plus it stops me stalking BF on Instagram in the half hope, half dread that he opts a pic of him with a new GF

Back in real life, H is now losing his patience with my closed down, non-combative silence. He can't understand why I won't engage at all, but the truth is that whatever this boy has triggered in me has made something inside me come alive and also something inside me die. I literally feel nothing about anything except the 'non-thing' and can't find the will to engage with H on any level.

Today was a significant day in terms of one of my parents, and I felt nothing about that either. This time last year I found today really hard.

Sorry - this is a brain dump, isn't it? No response required!

@myfatarse to answer your question specifically, you are right. DD seems fine. I should be relieved and happy about that, I know. And whilst in one level I am, there is another awful part of me that wants her to conspire in my fantasy and be desperate to get back with BF.

it's ok, I'm not going to say anything to DD about "what I want".

Hi OP

I haven’t read through the entire thread but wanted to leave a message because I feel I have had similar thought patterns in the past.

I have never been to see a doctor about my experiences but I do feel that it may be in some way linked to obsessive compulsive disorder. I too was unable to function for weeks at a time. Sat thinking about the same subject without a minutes rest for my brain going over and over it in my mind. Subjects that made no sense for me to be thinking about at all. Even stranger is that I wanted to find a solution to no longer care, but at the same time the idea of letting it go and not caring made me uneasy. It was exhausting.

I am prone to this way of thinking but have had bad periods of it on 3 or so occasions in my life (I am 35).

Having never been to the dr about my experience I can only guess as to the cause. I believe my own obsessive thinking may be as a result of having underlying deep rooted issues around what I am thinking about connected to my past.

The way you describe your thinking patterns sounds very similar to me.

Does nice RL friend know about H and how things really are? Does anyone in RL know?

Should read does anyone else in RL know?

@5LeafClover I told RL friend the full extent of how bad things had got with H. She knew him ‘before’ he became this version of himself - which he was for a good 15 years - but hasn’t seen much of him over the past 10 years (not has anyone). I had alluded to problems previously but she hadn’t been aware of the nutty gritty, and now she is. She used to really like him and now she hates him. She wants to help me get out, but understands the obstacles, the feeling of being paralysed and the tiredness/inertia.

She doesn’t live near me any more - 40 miles away - but it was good to see her and talk to someone. She will check on me regularly, I know she will, but she has a family and problems of her own including terminal illness (her dad) so I don’t want to lean on her too hard.