Can't stop crying. No idea why.

[TheCakeDiet]

Hello

I'm. It sure relationships is the right place for this, but I didn't know where else to post.

This is probably going to be really long and it will sound mad. And It is more than a bit mad but I am truly losing my mind over it, so have come here for help/advice. I am so ashamed.

I am linking to a thread I posted a week ago. It gives you some context of where my head was just seven days ago - only 21 posts to read, so hopefully not too long to get through. You will see that I was a bit upset/worried about DDs BF, for reasons that are clear within the linked thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3361138-Worried-about-DDs-BF

Update since my last post....

Since then I have found myself falling into a very strange place - I kind of alluded to it in my last post in the previous thread, but I am not quite sure what has happened to me. I am posting here in the hope someone will recognise my thinking/behaviour and can help me crawl out of this black hole.

In a nutshell, I have become obsessive and bereft over this ridiculous non-relationship between two kids. For the first time in my life, I can't sleep at night, have cried at least five times a day, every day, I am treating my DD appallingly because she won't even see him to give him some closure or 'try again' and am being selfish, ridiculous and quite mad. I have no idea what this is really about. It surely can't really be this straight forward? I feel like I am losing my mind because the rational part of me recognises that i can't be this upset about a teenage breakup (I have honestly never been over-involved in anything like this before) so I am wondering if it has triggered something in me but I don't know what, and I can't make this stop. I literally can't eat and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for a week. I feel on the brink of tears the whole time and completely preoccupied with a need to 'fix' everything so DD can enjoy the feeling of someone loving her so much and being giddy with love herself.

I have no history of depression or mental illness, and this is despite spending the last ten years in a toxic relationship with a functioning but volatile alcoholic. (Last five sexless). Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me.

All I keep thinking about is how much this boy loves DD and how much happiness he could bring her - just for a while until it naturally fizzled out - and she him - and she is throwing it away without a backward glance. I know she is too young and I don't even recognise these thoughts as anything like my own. If you'd asked me four weeks ago, I would have said that I wasn't interested in teenage drama and DD is far too young to have a BF.

I have never checked her messages or anything like that before, but because I was worried about him being bullied but also slightly struggling with DDs sudden and rather cold change of heart, I had a quick scan to make sure this wasn't about something else - him pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for and her not wanting to tell me or similar. Now I wish I hadn't seen them because it's only made me feel worse. He is lovely, kind, a bit cheeky but respectful and completely head over heels, she had reciprocated in the same way and had told him she loves him. Messages are sweet and loving and then suddenly, she becomes distant and ends it. He is bereft. She won't give him any explanation. I stepped away at that point (hating myself for being waaaaaaay too involved) but now I feel even more heartbroken for him and even less sympathetic to my own DD who I love with all my heart, but feel inexplicably angry with.

DD doesn't know I've read her messages and I will never tell her. She has played down what they were about, saying she never liked him that much (I know this is a lie) and it's not her fault she has moved on. This is 100% true but it crushes me every time she says it.

I don't need anyone to tell me I am being over-invested, ridiculous, unkind to DD, a bad Mother or anything else like that. I KNOW. I feel quite deranged by it all and cannot believe how I feel and how I am behaving. I spent all of today in my room alternating between crying and staring into space. I cooked the family meal and went through the motions of that, sat with DS whilst he his homework but honestly felt 'removed' as though I wasn't really there. I know that there must be something else at play here, but I don't know what. Or how to let it go.

It's not as simple as 'get a grip'. If I could, I would have. I am the most sensible, level headed, relaxed parent usually, but right now, if I could make DD go back to him, I would. Which is MAD. And I am thoroughly ashamed to feel this way.

So what's going on? Why have I fallen apart? Why am I so upset? How do I make these thoughts stop? Am I finally revealed as a hideous over-involved nightmare parent or is this a trigger for something else? My poor DD.

@MMmomDD I am 46 so I guess hormones could be starting to go a bit all over the place. It doesn't feel hormonal - more like a panic in my brain, but I really don't know.

@Johnnyfinland Yes maybe. I feel frustrated with DD. I want her to be happy, and in my current thought pattern The BF = Love= Happiness. And I can't believe she doesn't see it that way because everything he has said and done shows that he is genuinely lovely and wants to make her happy. I know it's not that simplistic but right now it feels like it is. I've had to stop myself following him on Instagram so that I can check he is ok. Instagram?! I've truly been on their about five times in my life.

Reading your comments about feeling obsessive is a bit concerning.
How do you make it stop? Go straight to your doctor tomorrow, it's very important you inform your gp of any obsessive/compulsive feelings, I agree with other comments on here that you should seek some help, I think you've just got to the point where you mentally cannot cope any more and everything is just pouring out uncontrollably. I really do urge you to try and take the time to sit quietly and try to write down why you feel this way, anything you make a note of will help your gp to understand how you're feeling. Hope you get some reassurance tomorrow, it's ok to have overwhelming feelings don't let this frighten you xx

OP - a few of my friends have stared peri-menopause at that age. And irrational emotions were part of it for a few.
It didn’t feel like PMS either.

All I am saying - don’t rule anything out. Something is definitely off about you reaction.

You absolutely need professional help. The way you're feeling and thinking isn't normal at all. You may be spiralling into psychosis or a manic episode. You need a doctor or psychologist or both. Please get help. This isn't normal, you aren't well.

@TheCakeDiet first of all, give yourself a break! You might be being irrational, but you can tell, and you're trying to be reasonable - I've been there, I really feel for you. I second PPs who said try seeing a doctor though - it's free, they might consider checking your hormones and they might not, but they also should be able to refer you to some kind of mental health support. I know the waiting lists can be huge, but it's worth a try. My doctor recommended books for me on anxiety and I found them really helpful, it's definitely worth trying to talk to someone face to face. Obviously you've got mumsnet too!

Hi OP

I work in bereavement services. Almost all of the people we see tell us about a number of very stressful life scenarios that did not impact them significantly or for long, that they coped with etc....then some "trivial or non significant event' seemed to tip them over the edge to bring them to us.

I read the list of things you've been through. I am not meaning to over step here but there is a lot of grief, loss and trauma in your last few years. I'm sure there's been other hopefully good stuff too. But unless you have had some support these things tend to pop up like those boppers at the fair.

Op, apologies if I've missed some details as I haven't read everything, but...do you have a son? Just wondered if you're identifying the BF with being one of your children and you're suffering from imagining them having to go through rejection. Or perhaps you're identifying with something you experienced when younger? Were you rejected or did you let someone go you regret? Given your current relationship, perhaps you're angry that your DD seems cavalier in letting someone go who cherishes her when you feel you need this? Just some thoughts. Apologies if I'm way off the mark.

@Haireverywhere Thank you for your insight. I keep thinking about my mum and dad and asking myself "do I feel extra sad about them this week? Is that what this is?" but although I was very close to both and miss them very much, all the time, if anything I feel less sad than usual. I feel rather numb and a bit 'nothing' about it because I am so consumed with this new and ludicrous situation I've found myself in.

@Dappledsunlight. Thank you. I don't think it's the DS thing. I am not aware that I am manifesting some future heartache for him that I will have to watch him endure (although I am sure this will come ine day). Rather selfishly, I feel a bit like I have had my heart broken. I have no idea why. If I am projecting, I don't know I'm doing it and could not even tell you if I am basing my emotional response on a memory, a wish or even whether I have cast myself as DD or BF. I just know that I feel bereft and helpless.

It is helping to say these insane things out loud. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to consider a response.

You're welcome. Feeling numb doesn't necessarily mean what you think. We can bury and numb out emotional pain by focusing on something else that wouldn't have bothered us much in other circumstances.

We'd be very happy to see someone saying things like you for an initial chat if your GP referred you. You wouldn't be time wasting or anything like that. Keep it in mind maybe. You have been through A LOT.

Best of luck

@Haireverywhere I will think about it - thank you.

Wide awake again

Had your DD been 34 I would understand a bit the disappointment you feel that she rejected the BF but at 14?
I would feel disappointed that my DD stayed with the same BF at that age . I'd want her to have different BFs and male friends and learn from different experiences.

Your dd is able to decide straight up what she wants and go for it. She is right to do this. You know what you want deep inside yet are not prepared to go for it. By facing up to you dhs drunkeness and subsequent nasty behaviour and demanding what you want from a relationship.
People will barely any problems go to counselling yet you, after a string of bereavements and a horrible dh are wondering if you need to go. The answer is yes and do not apologise for that. You have suffered a lot. Maybe you are coming out of denial and the reality of not taking a stand for yourself ( like your dd) is hitting you. I mean all this kindly. So GP and referral to counselling. You are in a good place to start so don't waste another day.

@AlmaGeddon I know this, of course I do. I just don't feel it IYSWIM. And so I am conflicted between feeling desperate (and I do feel desperate) for it to all go back his it was, and rationally knowing that it is none of my business and my DD is just a child really.

It's a horrible feeling and even now, at 5am, I can't switch it off.

Lots of posters have mentioned your relationship with your alcoholic husband but you don't seem to have responded to those comments. Perhaps once you get away from this constant stressor you can start to grieve. Your dds relationship is a distraction from your own appalling relationship. Do you have any plans, can he leave?

You’re jealous of your DD and what you class as the ideal bf, while your ‘stuck’ with an alcoholic. This isn’t about your DD and this boy, this is about your dissatisfaction with your relationship and your frustrations are being played out in this craziness regarding their breakup.

How do you fix it? By dealing with the trigger, your rubbish relationship.

Your subconscious is screaming for change and it’s time to listen.

It's true that my relationship is now what I would class as awful. I have, over the years, slowly closed down any emotions so it doesn't upset me any more - i just plod along. We have been together many years and he wasn't always this way and the creep has been gradual - so gradual that now the dysfunctional behaviour just feels like our normal. I honestly have no idea how I feel about him and couldn't tell you if there is any love left. He has become angry and bitter, so when he drinks (every evening) he rants at me and calls me names. Unbelievably during the day, and before alcohol, we can have quite lovely days - there is some affection and laughter and I try to talk to him and feel I'm getting somewhere, but after 6 pm, the other version of him appears and can be anywhere from snipey to our and out vile - breaking things and screaming in my face.

There are lots of reasons why I am still here: Confusion. Inertia. Financial entrapment. Caring for my mum until she died last year meant I was restricted geographically. She gas left a bit of a financial mess behind as well that I need to sort out somehow. My H is a man who thinks he is above the law and it doesn't matter what a court would say, he would make my life a living hell if I left and therefore the DC. I have numbed myself to a point where I thought I could put up and shut up till they left home.

Maybe I can't.

@Whatsthispain I don't feel jealousy toward DD. At least not recognisably. I honestly, and desperately want her to be loved, adored and cherished. I want her to be with someone who makes her feel alive.

Op, how are you this morning? Will you go to the doctors?

I really think you need to. Crying five times a day every day , siting with snot running down your face, is so abnormal over a 15 year old dumping her boyfriend. She should have the common sense to not get too involved at this age, she should meet lots of boys and have fun. She should not just settle for some lad because he "loves her" But you know this. Your reaction is concerning and not rational.

You need to see your doctor this morning, an emergency appt and explain what's happening to you. Good luck 💐

You might not feel jealous as such of your daughter, but her becoming a young woman and having her first forays into romance is likely to trigger reflections on your own situation - which as you have said is really abusive. You have 'shut down' but that doesn't mean that underneath you are not in an enormous amount of pain at the way your husband has been treating you.

Seeing your daughter 'throw away' (as you have framed it) what appears to be something you think provides happiness - a loving male who is besotted and devoted is likely to have made this even worse.

On the plus side, while it's very sad that you young lad is being bullied - did you ever get a response from his mother? - it's also to your daughter's credit that she didn't feel obliged to remain his girlfriend. And good on her! Because it sounds very much like she sensed that she would be responsible for his happiness, just like you are responsible for your husband's moods. She's probably picked up on the co-dependent dynamic with your husband and doesn't want that for herself. This is actually an amazingly positive thing!

So try to frame it that rather than 'throw away' something that is 'loving', instead, she has chosen a healthier route by not letting the relationship continue.

Also maybe try to see it as a good thing that your daughter doesn't seem to need someone else to make her feel amazing or 'alive'. That's not really a healthy way to view love and relationships you realise?

You can see how much there are deeper issues at play and I do think you need some support. Your husband sounds very abusive, and that combined with losing your parents so close together will take its toll on anyone.

I think you've been remarkably brave to post and explain how you feel and examine it. I don't think you are a bad mother or being ridiculous or any of those things.

Actually - just to underline my last point - your love for your daughter shines through. It takes a huge amount of strength and love to admit to feeling these negative feelings, understand they are not about her and to look for help for yourself.

That's the mark of a great parent IMO.

I think if your DH is breaking things you really need to get help now, you can call Women's Aid and they can give advice. I don't think your daughter should be in a serious relationship now, she's too young, but there is a danger she will go for a man who treats her badly or avoid commitment when she sees her parents relationship not working. I know its difficult but things can also escalate if you don't do anything, if you ever feel in danger you need to get you and kids out and call police. This may shock him into doing something, if not leave.

Op, I think you've been so brave to post here. You don't sound mad to me. You've clearly been able to examine your feelings and express them in words which are better composed than the majority of posts on this forum. I would keep writing things down, here or elsewhere, the process of doing so has always helped me untangle difficult thoughts and emotions.

I too think this boy's struggles and your dd's decision to end the relationship have somehow become linked to something else in your brain. I agree that you should seek a professional to help you figure out what that is.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You sound like a good mum.

This has little or nothing to do with your DD and this lad. In his house, feelings are normal.
What's happened is that something 'got through' to you. Someone came up to and revealed their feelings, made you feel something, and you got the fright of your life. Because you do not welcome feelings. Feelings frighten you. You literally have 'felt a ghost' and are in shock.
You have put a barrier and engaged every defence mechanism you know, in order to protect yourself from your feelings.
So you use denial of your situation, you isolate yourself from feelings, you go along with everything to keep the peace.
You do this for a number of very good reasons, because are a lovely person, you love your children and are trying to protect them, and you are trying to protect yourself from danger.
You have managed to 'breeze' along all bright and happy with your kids. But not really feeling anything. Your DH treats you like dirt, but you won't allow yourself to feel any real 'bad' towards him. Now you are feeling really angry too, but you are putting the 'bad' into your daughter because you don't want to feel the 'bad' yourself. Because to you, anger is dangerous.
No wonder, you all three live with an abusive alcoholic so the only show in town is His emotion. Ringside seats every night. No one else gets a turn. No one else is allowed to have feelings.
The thing about attachment bonds is they get stronger the longer they go on, and they become more like our parental bonds the longer they go on. Maybe in your childhood home everyone 'pretended' everything was fine and there wasn't much genuine emotional expression. Except anger and disapproval maybe.
You are encouraging your DD to just go along with it and do everything she can to please the man. Don't upset Dad, he's a man and it's our job to pretend to the kids and myself that everything's ok and excuse, dismiss, minimise, ignore, cover up and defend his bad behaviour because that's our role in life. Because if you don't you have to feel 'bad feelings'. You probably learned that in your childhood home as well.
Do your kids not hear your DH verbally abusing you? Do you ever talk to them about that and how it's not the right thing for him to be doing. Otherwise they are learning the lesson that allowing someone to disrespect you is good. Look up Al Anon meetings.

Oh god. The last few posts have broken me and I am back to snot running sobs - this is crazy. I have been lying fully clothed under the covers and forcing myself not to start stalking DD and ExBF in social media and now I feel like with every post, something is unravelling(?), I don't know how to articulate it better than that.

I still can't fully accept get this isn't about DD and her BF - and it's bizarre because it's not even a generic "I want her to be happy", no, I want her to be happy with HIM. How ridiculous is that?! There is something about him specifically that has turned me inside out and I have no idea why. He's just a kid, I hardly know him but his happiness feels hugely important to me and in my crazy mind, it must be linked to DDs halo Ines I know this is not helping anyone but I can't stop the thought process this is my original reason for posting I guess. I am trying to decide if he reminds me of someone from my past - and yes he is like boys I knew and probably the kind of boy I would have fallen for at DDs age, and probably been dumped by. Maybe I am struggling with cavalier way she is discarding something that I would have clung onto for dear life? Does that make any sense to anyone without sounding weird?

I need to do stuff today. I need to put one foot in front of the other and I just can't move.

And to those who have urged me to make a GP appt, I will think about it today and see if i can bring myself to do it tomorrow. This morning I couldn't have spoken to the receptionist without crying and so I put it off.

But now MN has set me off anyway.

To the poster who asked if I'd spoken to his mum. Yes I called her and told he about the bullying conversation and that I wanted to make sure she knew, as I wasn't convinced he'd confide in her. She was very grateful and also very insightful. She said that there had been problems in the last year and she would talk to him (he hadn't said anything) but she also said that there was a possibility that he sensed things falling apart with DD and that his distress was a combination of the two things. They seem like a loving family and will look after him. She texted me later to say they'd spoken, and to thank me again. She said she hoped I'd keep in touch and I said I would. I haven't contacted since then. I can't have her realising that I have lost my mind over this.

Again. Thank you all for being so kind and letting me share my mad thoughts and behaviours with you without being harshly judged. I cannot believe the responses I have been getting - the care and thought and consideration is heartwarming. I think I need to continue posting because I don't have another outlet, and for once, I feel like I need one. I hope that's ok.

OP you can of course get support here but please go to your GP. You are not well. Think of it like you've just had a flare up of an knee injury you thought was OK. There's no difference here - these might be old wounds but they're hurting you none the less.