Can't stop crying. No idea why.

[TheCakeDiet]

Hello

I'm. It sure relationships is the right place for this, but I didn't know where else to post.

This is probably going to be really long and it will sound mad. And It is more than a bit mad but I am truly losing my mind over it, so have come here for help/advice. I am so ashamed.

I am linking to a thread I posted a week ago. It gives you some context of where my head was just seven days ago - only 21 posts to read, so hopefully not too long to get through. You will see that I was a bit upset/worried about DDs BF, for reasons that are clear within the linked thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3361138-Worried-about-DDs-BF

Update since my last post....

Since then I have found myself falling into a very strange place - I kind of alluded to it in my last post in the previous thread, but I am not quite sure what has happened to me. I am posting here in the hope someone will recognise my thinking/behaviour and can help me crawl out of this black hole.

In a nutshell, I have become obsessive and bereft over this ridiculous non-relationship between two kids. For the first time in my life, I can't sleep at night, have cried at least five times a day, every day, I am treating my DD appallingly because she won't even see him to give him some closure or 'try again' and am being selfish, ridiculous and quite mad. I have no idea what this is really about. It surely can't really be this straight forward? I feel like I am losing my mind because the rational part of me recognises that i can't be this upset about a teenage breakup (I have honestly never been over-involved in anything like this before) so I am wondering if it has triggered something in me but I don't know what, and I can't make this stop. I literally can't eat and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for a week. I feel on the brink of tears the whole time and completely preoccupied with a need to 'fix' everything so DD can enjoy the feeling of someone loving her so much and being giddy with love herself.

I have no history of depression or mental illness, and this is despite spending the last ten years in a toxic relationship with a functioning but volatile alcoholic. (Last five sexless). Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me.

All I keep thinking about is how much this boy loves DD and how much happiness he could bring her - just for a while until it naturally fizzled out - and she him - and she is throwing it away without a backward glance. I know she is too young and I don't even recognise these thoughts as anything like my own. If you'd asked me four weeks ago, I would have said that I wasn't interested in teenage drama and DD is far too young to have a BF.

I have never checked her messages or anything like that before, but because I was worried about him being bullied but also slightly struggling with DDs sudden and rather cold change of heart, I had a quick scan to make sure this wasn't about something else - him pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for and her not wanting to tell me or similar. Now I wish I hadn't seen them because it's only made me feel worse. He is lovely, kind, a bit cheeky but respectful and completely head over heels, she had reciprocated in the same way and had told him she loves him. Messages are sweet and loving and then suddenly, she becomes distant and ends it. He is bereft. She won't give him any explanation. I stepped away at that point (hating myself for being waaaaaaay too involved) but now I feel even more heartbroken for him and even less sympathetic to my own DD who I love with all my heart, but feel inexplicably angry with.

DD doesn't know I've read her messages and I will never tell her. She has played down what they were about, saying she never liked him that much (I know this is a lie) and it's not her fault she has moved on. This is 100% true but it crushes me every time she says it.

I don't need anyone to tell me I am being over-invested, ridiculous, unkind to DD, a bad Mother or anything else like that. I KNOW. I feel quite deranged by it all and cannot believe how I feel and how I am behaving. I spent all of today in my room alternating between crying and staring into space. I cooked the family meal and went through the motions of that, sat with DS whilst he his homework but honestly felt 'removed' as though I wasn't really there. I know that there must be something else at play here, but I don't know what. Or how to let it go.

It's not as simple as 'get a grip'. If I could, I would have. I am the most sensible, level headed, relaxed parent usually, but right now, if I could make DD go back to him, I would. Which is MAD. And I am thoroughly ashamed to feel this way.

So what's going on? Why have I fallen apart? Why am I so upset? How do I make these thoughts stop? Am I finally revealed as a hideous over-involved nightmare parent or is this a trigger for something else? My poor DD.

@Thecakediet, I need you to talk about YOU.

Your daughter hasn't got a problem. There is no problem with the romantic relationships in her life.

Your daughter's ex is literally none of your business, and has quite probably moved on. Teenagers move THAT QUICKLY if they are emotionally healthy and well supported, and he is.

SO now we are bringing the focus back round to YOU. YOUR romantic relationships. YOUR choices. YOUR life. Not YOU as you appear to other people, not YOU in your role as shield from an abusive father

YOU

Tell us about your relationship with your own parents. Tell us what attracted you to your current husband. Tell us when he started to abuse you. Tell us about YOU.

@colditz that's so much though. I wouldn't know where to begin.

I can't even believe you are showing so much interest. I'm genuinely overwhelmed - I don't think anyone has asked me about me for years. Not looking for pity, just a fact.

If you really are sincere and ready to read a lot if paragraphs of not very much, I will try to offer an overview of me. I need to think about it though - how to compress it.

OP the very act of doing so would be helpful for you I think and a starting point for therapy going forward

I want to add that I also think you should write about you now. It doesn’t matter how long it is

colditz is dead right, @thecakediet. This is about you. No one else. Not your daughter. Not her ex-bf. Not even your "D"H, except insofar as he affects YOU.

I am absolutely sincere. I'm going to bed now because I like to sleep a lot. I'm going to look in on this thread after work..

Thecakediet, many years ago I had lost myself in an abusive relationship and Mumsnet dug me out piece by agonising piece. It can be done. You are still in there.

Thecakediet. You sound lovely but in a lot of pain. A metaphor I use at work is "imagine you are out in town and get shot in the leg with an arrow. You can spend a lot of time looking around for who shot an arrow at you and why but unfortunately that will not stop it hurting! Firstly, find a way to manage pain and then if needed, look for why it happened".
I think this thread has probably given you a lot of very important but very painful things to think about and I think that's important but firstly self care is needed. Please try to take sometime to do what helps soothe you-bath/exercise/walk. Not things that Allow your brain to wander and ruminate, what can you do that allows you to engage with it fully and calm your thoughts. i don't know if you e tried a guided mindfulness practice that helps you guid your thoughts but that may be worth a try.

Secondly (and I really hope this does not sound too harsh) you sound a bright woman. You must be aware that the just plodding on with the level of built up and pushed down pain you have been experiencing is not sustainable nor is it the life you should have. Only you know if you can live like you are for the rest of your life but really why should you or your children have too? Change is scary and difficult but frankly so is continuing as you are, both for you and for your children. You have said your husband is accountable to no one. Well nor are you (well except for both being accountable to your children).

I don't think it's appropriate to unpick this too deeply until you have professional support in place OP. Please be careful opening up to the internet when you don't necessarily have self soothing strategies in place.

Sorry if that was a bit blunt OP. There's a fine line between what helps and what doesn't when our clients are very vulnerable and in need of external support. I'm glad you are finding the thread supportive though.

I'd agree, This isn't going anyplace helpful. Don't open up to that poster.

You need to get professional help. I'm sorry.

Cakediet,

Forgive me but reading your post I was struck about how much this sounds like OCD, so had to respond.

OCD is not the tendency to be clean or ordered as wrongly shown on TV but is an awful illness.

I am a sufferer and your symptoms such as intrusive thoughts, the rational knowledge that know this is not a justified response, the fixation, reminds me so much of my own struggle. I too became fixated on a situation and thought "if only this had happened, everything will be ok" but key thing was I knew my thoughts were completely irrational yet I could not fight it.

OCD is usually triggered by stress by definitely can be helped by therapy. I became obsessed and 24-7 was thinking about a situation most people would have dismissed. I knew I was being irrational but could not control it. My anxiety had manifested itself in obsessive thoughts.

For people who don't have compulsions there is also another form of OCD known as Pure O where the sufferer has intrusive thoughts but no behavioural compulsions.

Please have a look at the following links :

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-

www.verywellmind.com/pure-o-primarily-obsessional-ocd-4159144

I would definitely see a doctor too. You are clearly in distress and please don't worry about diagnosis as this is the first step to getting better.

I started to write stuff down but now I don't know if posting is a good idea or not. As you have probably gauged, I am feeling quite desperate so am likely to agree to do anything if I thought it would help make this all go away. Some of you are saying it will help and others are saying, that there is no end-game to be resolved on MN. I don't trust my judgement AT ALL right now, so I am going to sit on this for a bit.

I had filled in a self referral form for a local mental wellbeing thingy a few days back, I think I mentioned it. They called me today and took me though a fifty-minute questionnaire to try and assess the best thing for me. It was quite difficult speaking with my mouth not a keyboard but I answered as honestly and thoughtfully as I was able - telling them about my current though obsessions with DD and BF, my marriage including the most shameful parts (no sex for nearly 5 years), my recent bereavements, my general feeling of having finally hit a wall etc.

Anyway, they listened whilst I howled and then at the end, they said that they were going to advise marriage guidance or couples counselling. I tried to explain that this was literally never going to happen and that not only does DH think anyone in the therapy/counselling/psychiatrist world is a charlatan and a wanker for whom he has utter contempt, but that he has also resisted every single suggestion of any kind of help for himself or us as a couple for ten years. I explained that even when I went down the 'ultimatum' route - "if you don't get help, we're over", I got "brilliant, off you fuck". Seriously - never going to happen. So then they said that their assessment based on my questionnaire suggests that this is what I need and if I wasn't 'willing' to try it, they weren't sure what they could do for me as any other kind of therapy would be pointless.

I did ask what their assessment would be if I said that I had already made the decision to leave H and was just looking for support with that, and they replied that they would still advise couples counselling before I made any such drastic decisions.

So whilst i understand that they are professionals and know far more than me, it's kind of closed the door on that option and I have to admit feeling a bit defeated by that having taken the plunge and asked.

I don't have money for a private therapist so will have to wait out the two weeks to see the GP and then however long it takes to be referred and hope that they can offer something more than that.

I've spent three hours today re-reading texts between DD and BF and looking at pictures of them over the summer. I fucking hate myself right now.

How do you have access to their texts??

I feel deeply sorry for you OP but that is really not on, reading their texts. Observe some boundaries. Stop making yourself worse. I've been in a mental institution, I know what I'm talking about. You can still make choices and this is your DD you're talking about. Don't wallow in a private aspect of her life.

It's hard to believe that the mental well being team think that marriage counselling is the answer when DH is an abusive alcoholic. Either you minimised his behaviour or they intend the counsellor to tell you to separate immediately unless he stops drinking.
I am also curious about your teen years. I in early secondary school had mad passionate affairs (snogging in the cloakroom), besotted love for good looking boys/ teachers and probBly broke a heart, all be it very briefly. How can you invest so much in DDs brief fling?

@RosieCockle DD is just 13. I have access to her phone. I have never ever snooped before but I explained earlier that I had looked as I was worried that he might be pressuring her to take things faster than she was comfortable with. I was looking for an explanation from her sudden flip from starry eyed to cold shut down and wanted to make sure it wasn’t that. I was worried about her and worried about him

I took a screen shot of a few exchanges. I have NO IDEA why. This is what I have been looking at today. She has her phone with her, I have never read her messages before and am not usually a snooper.

You should have left him when he told you to.

So for clarity. The three hours today was looking at the couple of screenshots and our pictures from the summer. Not her private pictures. It took three hours because I also did a lot of just sitting there. I perhaps should have said I wasted three hours wallowing indulgently and part of that was making myself feel worse by obsessing.

Can we leave that bit now? It’s not that you aren’t all correct. You are and I would have said the same a few weeks ago. I promise you I know I am crossing lines, stepping over boundaries and being an utterly shit mother right now. I can’t really explain it other than to say that I have a heap of household admin, a house to run, unanswered emails about work, school PTA stuff, probate for my mum still ongoing and I have done nothing. For ten days now. It is literally taking over my every waking thought. Even when I am with friends talking about other stuff

I don’t want to be a shit mum or a shit human. I want to go back to how used to think just a few short weeks ago. That’s try my motivation for posting in the first place.

I know exactly why you have access to her phone and I think we both know you're abusing the access now.

@AlmaGeddon I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t go to a refuge because he would have been livid and caused trouble. I couldn’t leave he area because I was caring for my mum. I felt trapped.

Yes, leave it if you want to. There's something awful about it though. You need to restrain yourself in this waiting for professional help phase.

Can you delete the screenshots and not go back to old messages again? Baby steps.

Well. Are you still trapped and unable to leave for the same reason

Ti am starting to sound defensive and self pitying. I don’t mean to be either of those things.

I am ashamed of my thought, by behaviour and my ten years of weakness. I do want to change

I had anxiety and it was due to feeling trapped. Trapped by my own beliefs and trapped by what I now see are what I believed society expected of me. Upbringing, the people around me inc loved ones all contributed.