Can't stop crying. No idea why.

[TheCakeDiet]

Hello

I'm. It sure relationships is the right place for this, but I didn't know where else to post.

This is probably going to be really long and it will sound mad. And It is more than a bit mad but I am truly losing my mind over it, so have come here for help/advice. I am so ashamed.

I am linking to a thread I posted a week ago. It gives you some context of where my head was just seven days ago - only 21 posts to read, so hopefully not too long to get through. You will see that I was a bit upset/worried about DDs BF, for reasons that are clear within the linked thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3361138-Worried-about-DDs-BF

Update since my last post....

Since then I have found myself falling into a very strange place - I kind of alluded to it in my last post in the previous thread, but I am not quite sure what has happened to me. I am posting here in the hope someone will recognise my thinking/behaviour and can help me crawl out of this black hole.

In a nutshell, I have become obsessive and bereft over this ridiculous non-relationship between two kids. For the first time in my life, I can't sleep at night, have cried at least five times a day, every day, I am treating my DD appallingly because she won't even see him to give him some closure or 'try again' and am being selfish, ridiculous and quite mad. I have no idea what this is really about. It surely can't really be this straight forward? I feel like I am losing my mind because the rational part of me recognises that i can't be this upset about a teenage breakup (I have honestly never been over-involved in anything like this before) so I am wondering if it has triggered something in me but I don't know what, and I can't make this stop. I literally can't eat and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for a week. I feel on the brink of tears the whole time and completely preoccupied with a need to 'fix' everything so DD can enjoy the feeling of someone loving her so much and being giddy with love herself.

I have no history of depression or mental illness, and this is despite spending the last ten years in a toxic relationship with a functioning but volatile alcoholic. (Last five sexless). Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me.

All I keep thinking about is how much this boy loves DD and how much happiness he could bring her - just for a while until it naturally fizzled out - and she him - and she is throwing it away without a backward glance. I know she is too young and I don't even recognise these thoughts as anything like my own. If you'd asked me four weeks ago, I would have said that I wasn't interested in teenage drama and DD is far too young to have a BF.

I have never checked her messages or anything like that before, but because I was worried about him being bullied but also slightly struggling with DDs sudden and rather cold change of heart, I had a quick scan to make sure this wasn't about something else - him pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for and her not wanting to tell me or similar. Now I wish I hadn't seen them because it's only made me feel worse. He is lovely, kind, a bit cheeky but respectful and completely head over heels, she had reciprocated in the same way and had told him she loves him. Messages are sweet and loving and then suddenly, she becomes distant and ends it. He is bereft. She won't give him any explanation. I stepped away at that point (hating myself for being waaaaaaay too involved) but now I feel even more heartbroken for him and even less sympathetic to my own DD who I love with all my heart, but feel inexplicably angry with.

DD doesn't know I've read her messages and I will never tell her. She has played down what they were about, saying she never liked him that much (I know this is a lie) and it's not her fault she has moved on. This is 100% true but it crushes me every time she says it.

I don't need anyone to tell me I am being over-invested, ridiculous, unkind to DD, a bad Mother or anything else like that. I KNOW. I feel quite deranged by it all and cannot believe how I feel and how I am behaving. I spent all of today in my room alternating between crying and staring into space. I cooked the family meal and went through the motions of that, sat with DS whilst he his homework but honestly felt 'removed' as though I wasn't really there. I know that there must be something else at play here, but I don't know what. Or how to let it go.

It's not as simple as 'get a grip'. If I could, I would have. I am the most sensible, level headed, relaxed parent usually, but right now, if I could make DD go back to him, I would. Which is MAD. And I am thoroughly ashamed to feel this way.

So what's going on? Why have I fallen apart? Why am I so upset? How do I make these thoughts stop? Am I finally revealed as a hideous over-involved nightmare parent or is this a trigger for something else? My poor DD.

Hello. Me again.

I had been trying to stay off this thread (as per perviously) in case it was fuelling the cycle. I wondered if talking about it and giving it air time was making it worse and that if I effectively did the equivalent of going 'no contact', it would fade. It hasn't. I am still obsessing, still waking up in the night, still feeling utterly removed from my family and reality and still being broadly, shit.

@grabola You are right to surmise that i am projecting myself onto both of these people. At times, i feel like I am crying because I am imagining myself as DD and as her, I want to jump on a train, surprise him at his house and give him them both the romantic ending that is in my head. At other times, I am crying for him because DD was his lifeline and she cut him loose, and then at time, I think I am crying because I made him lots of promises about sharing the burden with DD and spending time at our house, that I failed to deliver on. I didn't even get the chance to see him again and say sorry for letting him down.

So yes, it's very blurry as to who and what i am projecting.

@ohfourfoxache Your post is so lovely and generous, but honestly, I am not as good as you think I am. For example, I have allowed this obsession to come between me and DD, I have allowed myself to selfishly dwell on it and haven't been functioning anything like a normal mum for nearly a month now. I would like to think that I am warm and approachable, and despite the can of worms it opened, I will always be glad that BF came to me and talked. At the very least it allowed me to tell him mum what was going on at school. I want to be a good friend and a good mum, but in all honesty, I am wallowing at the moment and despite knowing that this is having a negative effect on the DC, I haven't been able to pull myself together. Even when DS or DH are talking to me about schoolwork, friendships - important things - my my mind is wandering and whirring and ticking and planning and imagining and firing and not focussed AT ALL. But truly, thank you for all your kind words. It's a rare treat to be told I might be an OK person :)

In 'factual' news, DS showed me BF instagram feed and he seems to be out and about with friends and there is also a girl commenting on every post with lots of love hearts. So whilst a part of me is twice as panicked that DD has 'blown it', it is also a stark reminder that they are kids, they are resilient, they move on. Mostly I am truly happy and relieved that he looks like he's picked himself up, he is such a nice kid that I genuinely want him to be happy, but I cannot deny that I am also sad that he is drifting even further away. I cannot deny that I am desperate for DD to see (DS said he hasn't shown her) and for her to panic and get in touch. She won't though.

In other factual news, I may be able to access some CBT via H's private healthcare. I suddenly remembered we have it (I have never used it in 10 years) and I called today and they are going to do a telephone assessment with me tomorrow to see if I qualify. This has given me hope and brought me back to the thread. I have been trying to stay away but if there is a chance that I am going to be able to start unpicking the mess that is my head, it's good to share my latest thoughts. I don't honestly know if I will be able to be this open with a therapist if I get that far.

It sounds like you've really made headway, good for you!
Don't see your current mood as "wallowing", it's not.... A part of you is in trouble and you need to hear that part out or it won't go away. And your kids seem fine so no use overemphasizing the effect your crisis is having on them... Guilt is the last thing you need right now. As long as they are still getting fed, they will survive. Just tell them you're a bit ill.
It doesnt matter if you dont feel you can be open with a therapist at first, therapists are used to that.
It will take time to open up to a therapist (and to yourself) but it's part of the process.
Whatever you do, please don't jump on meds to make the whole thing go away...Just tranquilizers if you're having trouble sleeping maybe. But avoid anti-depressants if you can, if you feel that talking may be getting you somewhere... Sending you positive thoughts...

And please stop saying you're being selfish... You're being a normal human being in crisis mode.

Oh @TheCakeDiet I just want to reach out and give you a hug

Please, please believe me when I say you’re more than an ok person. I understand completely what you mean, even after counselling, CBT and DIT I STILL can’t see myself as an ok person, and I haven’t had to deal with a fraction of what you have.

But will you just trust grabola and I a little bit and believe us when we say you’re (at least) nice?

How are you bearing up now? X

And btw antidepressants are no bad thing. You know if you broke your ankle you’d probably have a crutch? Well ADs can be used in the same way - they can give you support whilst your mind gets on with fixing.

Personally I’ve been on them for 8 years. I wouldn’t be here without them.

@ohfourfoxache thank you. Your posts always lift me.

I know antidepressants can be amazing but don’t want to go down that road yet because I see then as a way of numbing everything and that makes me feel out of control and like I’m not dealing with stuff, when actually I fell like I might have been self-numbing for ages and actually that is part of the problem - I need to deal with not hide from IYKWIM?

I m just hanging in until I get to see someone now. I called the healthcare insurance and it looks like I might be able to get 5 x sessions of CBT which may or may not be a godsend. I am telling myself that it will be fine now, whilst I wait to find out if I am eligible.

Things at home - fucking awful. I’m too exhausted to get into the detail but suffice to say it’s very toxic and I am a nervous wreck. I’d like to say that this is distraction enough from the non-important obsession, but it isn’t. I k ow for sure that this is obsessive at least - the knowledge doesn’t help but I am reassured that I recognise that it’s ridiculous.

Thank you again. This thread is propping me up.

Oh bloody hell it sounds awful

Hang in there, I know you don’t believe it but you’re doing so well.

I’m so glad you’re entitled to CBT, that’s really positive. And you still see that your response isn’t entirely proportional to what happened. That really is good news, it shows that you know there is a problem.

When you have a bit more strength, could you go through this thread and pick it apart a bit so that you have a neat package of what you feel your underlying problems are, before you actually see the therapist?

So pleased you might be entitled to some counselling, OP... You seem to have much more clarity in your later messages and that is already a GREAT thing ! Obsessiveness will go away with time and sleep... you might want to consider mild tranquilizers if you're not getting enough sleep because sleeplessness makes any condition a billion times worse..

Im not against AD, i just think the physical illness analogy is slippery (if your ankle were broken, would you refuse a crutch/ plaster/painkillers).
Psychological suffering is not physical, nor linked to neurological causes most of the time .
It is the causes not the symptoms that need addressing... And as OP said, AD often prevents this process from happening instead of helping it, while bringing on a shitload of other problems, especially if taken in the long term. But I'm always genuinely happy to know it has miraculous effects for some people.

Hang on in there and keep us posted!

And just to be clear, i dont mean choosing AD is a bad choice (when one is experienced, seasoned in one's own pain, so to speak, and fully informed about the extent of the medical profession's ignorance on the subject). But i find it so sad that doctors automatically prescribe them to the most vulnerable patients, when they are hanging on by a thread and definitely not in a situation to give "informed consent". That is what I meant by biding your time before choosing them.
And good luck to you @ohfourfoxsake with what you're going through, Im with you.

Oh @grabola it’s ok, I understand completely! Some things work for some people but they don’t work for others.

I didn’t mean any criticism or aim to rubbish your views, just offering an alternative

Thank you @Grabola and @@ohfourfoxsake

I feel really wobbly tonight. DD was going out to meet some friends she hasn't seen for ages and she was really excited - hopping and grinning. The last time I saw her that excited was because she was meeting up with BF, we all teased her but she didn't care because, well, because she was excited.

I had to make myself not be sad or annoyed in front of her just now. I wanted to be happy that she was happy but in my head i was screaming, 'don't you remember this is how you felt before?'. Then I dropped her off, came home and cried and cried. So the obsession is alive and kicking :(

Were you feeling abandoned at that moment (or feeling she was abandoning "him") ?
Are there any friends you can see or something pleasurable you can do alone outside the house, a "guilty pleasure" for a bit of stolen me-time?

Oh darling this isn’t you

Come on, single steps at a time. What you’re going through is absolutely HORRENDOUS. But this is an internal reaction to what your dd is going through. She’s fine, but it’s left you going through hell.

Can you see this for what it is? None of this is your fault, you’re just reacting to this against a background of your own circumstances.

I wish I could reach through and give you a hug. Out of everyone you are the one who is suffering the most x

@grabola I think I just felt (again) that she is making a terrible and life-changing mistake (somewhere deep down, I think I must know that this might not actually be the case, but it's definitely what I 'feel'). I also feel like I am missing BF now. But it's very abstract - I don't really know him. And he's a kid. So I can't really miss him. It's so confusing.

@ohfourfoxache Yes. Everyone else seems to be broadly fine. But the crazy-lady bit of me thinks it's all an act and really everyone is just pretending to move on, but they are all sad deep down, and that eventually, I will be proved right.

Ok, well it's good you can tell the difference between what you "feel" and what is true.
Keep making that difference in your head and repeating it's all just a delusion and you are the only real unhappy person here. You really need to find something to take your mind off while you wait for the doctor's appointment. Can you find a way of "sneaking past" that thought process? What works best at taking your mind off it for a while?
I'd also advise you to go to a GP rather than waiting, or at least have one on hand in case you feel a crisis coming on. You might need something to help those thoughts spinning out of control. Are weekends worse for your thoughts or better? It would also be best if you tried to avoid taking an interest in your daughter's love/social life till you get that appointment. She's unfortunately become your trigger. Hang on in there and get some rest if you can

Well done for recognising and taking baby steps to address your mental health- it takes strength to face when something is off kilter.
Tbh I'm fairly positive that most teenage girls would find a bf having an in-depth conversation with their mum a massive turn off, especially if it was in front of their friends. She is far too young to have a life changing relationship and I think it probably would have been quite damaging to her, to have to offer that much emotional support to a partner when she's still growing up. It sounds like your protective urge to have her be with someone who loves her has somewhat overridden your perspective.