Can't stop crying. No idea why.

[TheCakeDiet]

Hello

I'm. It sure relationships is the right place for this, but I didn't know where else to post.

This is probably going to be really long and it will sound mad. And It is more than a bit mad but I am truly losing my mind over it, so have come here for help/advice. I am so ashamed.

I am linking to a thread I posted a week ago. It gives you some context of where my head was just seven days ago - only 21 posts to read, so hopefully not too long to get through. You will see that I was a bit upset/worried about DDs BF, for reasons that are clear within the linked thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3361138-Worried-about-DDs-BF

Update since my last post....

Since then I have found myself falling into a very strange place - I kind of alluded to it in my last post in the previous thread, but I am not quite sure what has happened to me. I am posting here in the hope someone will recognise my thinking/behaviour and can help me crawl out of this black hole.

In a nutshell, I have become obsessive and bereft over this ridiculous non-relationship between two kids. For the first time in my life, I can't sleep at night, have cried at least five times a day, every day, I am treating my DD appallingly because she won't even see him to give him some closure or 'try again' and am being selfish, ridiculous and quite mad. I have no idea what this is really about. It surely can't really be this straight forward? I feel like I am losing my mind because the rational part of me recognises that i can't be this upset about a teenage breakup (I have honestly never been over-involved in anything like this before) so I am wondering if it has triggered something in me but I don't know what, and I can't make this stop. I literally can't eat and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for a week. I feel on the brink of tears the whole time and completely preoccupied with a need to 'fix' everything so DD can enjoy the feeling of someone loving her so much and being giddy with love herself.

I have no history of depression or mental illness, and this is despite spending the last ten years in a toxic relationship with a functioning but volatile alcoholic. (Last five sexless). Despite losing my beloved dad three years ago and my mum last year following two years of being sole career through dementia, thus making my DH now the only adult in my life (I am an only child, no other family). I have lost a job, struggled with money issues, spent nearly every night listening to the drunken, spiteful ranting of my husband, struggled with weight gain and love loss, yet have still managed to get real joy out of my DC and life in general, but this 'non-event' has floored me.

All I keep thinking about is how much this boy loves DD and how much happiness he could bring her - just for a while until it naturally fizzled out - and she him - and she is throwing it away without a backward glance. I know she is too young and I don't even recognise these thoughts as anything like my own. If you'd asked me four weeks ago, I would have said that I wasn't interested in teenage drama and DD is far too young to have a BF.

I have never checked her messages or anything like that before, but because I was worried about him being bullied but also slightly struggling with DDs sudden and rather cold change of heart, I had a quick scan to make sure this wasn't about something else - him pressuring her into something she wasn't ready for and her not wanting to tell me or similar. Now I wish I hadn't seen them because it's only made me feel worse. He is lovely, kind, a bit cheeky but respectful and completely head over heels, she had reciprocated in the same way and had told him she loves him. Messages are sweet and loving and then suddenly, she becomes distant and ends it. He is bereft. She won't give him any explanation. I stepped away at that point (hating myself for being waaaaaaay too involved) but now I feel even more heartbroken for him and even less sympathetic to my own DD who I love with all my heart, but feel inexplicably angry with.

DD doesn't know I've read her messages and I will never tell her. She has played down what they were about, saying she never liked him that much (I know this is a lie) and it's not her fault she has moved on. This is 100% true but it crushes me every time she says it.

I don't need anyone to tell me I am being over-invested, ridiculous, unkind to DD, a bad Mother or anything else like that. I KNOW. I feel quite deranged by it all and cannot believe how I feel and how I am behaving. I spent all of today in my room alternating between crying and staring into space. I cooked the family meal and went through the motions of that, sat with DS whilst he his homework but honestly felt 'removed' as though I wasn't really there. I know that there must be something else at play here, but I don't know what. Or how to let it go.

It's not as simple as 'get a grip'. If I could, I would have. I am the most sensible, level headed, relaxed parent usually, but right now, if I could make DD go back to him, I would. Which is MAD. And I am thoroughly ashamed to feel this way.

So what's going on? Why have I fallen apart? Why am I so upset? How do I make these thoughts stop? Am I finally revealed as a hideous over-involved nightmare parent or is this a trigger for something else? My poor DD.

@5LeafClover Nobody else knows.

OP you are in crisis and you need help faster than the NHS can provide it.

Can you get to an Al-anon meeting near you? There is usually at least one per week in your nearest big city.

I would guess most of these feelings are coming from your (feeling) trapped relationship with an abusive alcoholic, and that's possibly woken some feelings about your dad.

@IfeelFloopy Have you ever thought about seeing someone? How long do you usually get ‘stuck’ for? Sorry to hear that you have to deal with this too.

psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

I am glad you have managed to tell someone about your relationship.

Leaving is a gradual process and part of what keeps some women ( ok, kept me) stuck is the secrecy that a gradual but continued decline from 'before' to now enmeshes you in before you know it. I'm assuming no physical violence because EA only is so much harder to talk about. Your friends reaction tells you everything you need to know about how he is treating you. It is not ok. Maybe it's time to read the sticky at the top of the page and ask why it shouldn't apply to you

Another factor in being stuck is anger/bewilderment....why is he behaving like this (or as Lundy Bancroft puts it why does he do that). If you can get hold of a copy read it.

Finally fear of how you will manage keeps you stuck because you know instinctively it will not be an easy split. Can you bear to look what money you would get if you left? You are juggling left right and centre but does H work?

So, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You trusted someone to love you and they very badly let you down. I wonder if that is what triggered your empathy with boyfriend. Meanwhile your 'hide everything from the world' plan worked so much better when you could say DD has got a lovely loving romance going on. And now this. You poor thing it sounds awful. I'm glad you are getting help from your gp and sorry that it's not sooner.

While you are waiting maybe call women's aid and ask them to call you back if they are busy. They will do this. Use this as practice in talking about your relationship so that when you see your gp you can be as truthful about what's going on as possible.

Finishing this over long post with three pieces of advice.

Keep telling people you can trust about H ..build up your support network one at a time.

A life after leaving may not be easier but it will at least be real. You and the children will benefit from that.

Keep safe. EA and physical abuse are linked. Do not share your learning or counselling outcomes with H.

For me it has varied. The subject was such a weird one the first time around that I felt like I would be considered mad if I told anyone. I didn’t think it was a mental health issue. Whereas now I do consider it to be one and it feels like a form of ocd to me. The first time around I had hypnotherapy treatment. It worked but now I understand myself a bit better I’m not sure if it was the best way to address it.

The last time it happened was about 4 years ago and took me a few months to gradually get over it. That time around I was able to make myself move on (eventually) whereas the other times before it I couldn’t. It still took some time. When I’m in that frame of mind I almost feel like I can’t move forward until I have solved the problem in my mind. But there is no solution.

Thank you @5LeafClover. I read the Lundy book a few years back - I must be one of the few people who still don't didn't leave. It's a weird thing because I can step back and look at the behaviours in our relationship quite objectively, I know the advice I'd give a friend but I just can't apply it to myself.

I am bring awful at home - cold and brittle to everyone because I can't let anything leak out in front of them. H would mock me - because that's his default, DD would get angry because she would see ur as me 'going in about BF and guilt tripping her' and DS would just be bewildered.

There is an Al-Anon meeting near me tonight. I don't know where I woul say I was going though....

A part of me really wants to go as I may get some insights into my relationship,but another part of me thinks "oh for Gods sake, stop feeding the drama!" My default is do nothing and it will fade.

I think you should go to the meeting op, if it's not too late. How are you feeling today?

I a SO sorry to resurrect this thread but looking for practical advice.

I have managed to get through the past week by focusing on the fact that I have a GP appt and whilst she won't be able to wave a magic wand, in my mind, it signalled the beginning of finding a resolution of this 'thing'. She was lovely and I was as frank as I could be. I told her I was obsessing about the DD thing and that it was affecting my sleep and appetite and I also told her that I was crying several times a day (still am) and spending every waking minute feeling panicked about the fact that I can't fix it. I also told her that I recognised this was irrational and that it was probably a trigger of some sort and that the real issues (even though they still don't feel like them at all) were My H and the loss of my parents. GP agreed and was a good listener but they don't have any facility for referring to one on one talking therapies so could only offer medication or the people whom I have already spoken to (which could only offer couples counselling).

I was so hoping to have something in motion - a plan I could focus on and I feel completely panicked that I am back at square one.

I don't know what I am going to do - genuinely no money for private therapy and I don't want medication. I feel like I have been numb long enough and whilst it might make the situation bearable in the short term, it's not going to fix or change anything and without any therapy in place, I could plod on for another ten years.

I have tried reading about CBT - to see if I can teach myself to at least start stopping these intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and maybe stop crying, but I don't really understand it or how I would apply it in my situation. Does anyone have any useable, practical techniques that might help me whilst I figure out how to try and move forward? Anything at all? I feel quite desperate.

Try this, OP:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

From that link: "You can get free psychological therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) on the NHS. You don't need a referral from your GP. You can refer yourself directly to a psychological therapies service."

Thank you. Going to read it all now.

Did you go to the AA meeting? I'm sure you'd find some support there, if you don't feel you have any from elsewhere. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know you but from what I've read here I would be considering whether, having forced yourself to pretend that the biggest problem in your life doesn't actually bother you, the real grief and loss that you feel about your marriage has become transferred to another broken relationship which you perceive as being easier to "fix". But even if your DD and her ex BF got back together, your relationship wouldn't be fixed: you might be able to keep pretending a bit longer, but do you really want to have to?

CBT may well help, and having a plan definitely will, but ultimately you don't need to change your response to a situation. You need to change the situation.

@easterholidays I really wanted to go to the Al Anon meeting but didn't know where to say I was going. The truth would have caused a huge row. It's on again tonight and I am wondering if I can find an excuse to disappear for a couple of hours.

Probably, your theory is right. It's in line with most of the wise people on here and probably the rational half of my brain. I just feel stuck in my cycle of obsessing and can't get the common sense voice to shout loudly enough to silence the thoughts I am having. I keep back tracking: if I'd said this, then they'd still be together, if I'd done that, DD wouldn't have dumped him. I still feel utterly heartbroken. It's fucking ridiculous and I'm exhausted. I just want it to stop.

Could you invent an excuse? Meeting a friend? Helping someone with childcare?

Do you have anyone in real life who you can confide in?

I recognise the obsessive thought patterns and the exhaustion that comes with them. Does it help at all, when they start to come, to say to yourself "OK, here are those thoughts again, perhaps this time I can watch myself thinking them as though I'm a disinterested observer rather than the person to whom this is happening" - in other words, to consciously encourage the rational part of your brain to observe, dispassionately, what the not-rational part of it is doing? It might to help remove some of the emotional heat from the thoughts, even if it doesn't stop them coming.

Hi OP, sorry that you are still feeling so crap. Please don't beat yourself up about not being able to to do something before, it's not easy.

If you can make the Al-Anon meeting I suspect that will help. If not, and you haven't already perhaps call women's aid.. if you leave your details and a time they will call you back.

I hope you have some luck with the link above/cbt. But I agree with Easter that you might need to find the path to change the situation. Relationships do end, and sometimes it's the right thing...your daughter knows that, she did the right thing for her.

In the meantime free stuff that might help : self care (sleep, eat, appearance), check your posture (make sure you are not holding tension esp in your shoulders), exercise ( daily walk/ run/ something), write (or pretend you are writing) a never to be sent letter to the bf about how you think he is feeling and how sorry you are he has been hurt. Or one to your daughter on how you hope she will be in relationships and what you have tried to teach her. Google visualisations and imagery for self help and see if you can find something that appeals.

Apologies that it's not rocket science but it's all I can think of and it might help.

Good luck.

I think you probably want her to have what you didn't. Your shitty relationship with DH has probably made you want to ensure she has the best and this BF is everything you would want for your child and yourself at that age and on.

I think you need to address the root of this as it's probably a way of your true emotions expressing themselves

@easterholidays . I will try the disconnect thing - thank you. I've tried a variation on that but more like - OK, here come the thoughts. so follow it through to conclusion and see where you end up. I had been hoping that I'd accept that even if DD and BF were together, it was only a temporary stay of execution and actually DD might have ended up being heartbroken (which she currently does not appear to be). But that doesn't happen - I find myself meandering down roads where I play out a grand reunion and it's sunny and everyone is loved and happy.... . I will try the detachment method and see if that is better.

@5leafclover. Thank you also. I will look up the visualisations and imagery. I have done the 'writing a letter to BF then tearing it up thing' and it just left me sobbing. I really am finding the line between him, DD and me is very blurred now. I can't decide who I am crying for any more.

Al Anon meeting would be a good start. I just can't think how on earth to get there. It's at 8pm which is when I'd have fed the kids and be checking homework??

I think as previous PPs have said, you wanted your DD to be safe and happy, and this “nice” boy appeared to offer that. Ultimately you are desperate for her not to end up like you and living your life. The thing is though OP, you don’t have to end up like “you” either. This doesn’t have to be your life either. I hope you can seek out the RL help available (Women’s Aid would be an excellent start) to help you make the changes and start afresh without your H. Thinking of you.

Why don't you want to try medication? It was so helpful to me when I was experiencing severe anxiety (which led to me being depressed too). It's not dangerous. You don't need to take it forever. It's a life saver for some people.

At this stage, do you think it would genuinely matter if it caused an argument? You’re numb anyway, would you be able to just refuse to engage if he tries?

I’m really quite concerned about you, which would be the least worse option - going, getting support and having an argument, or not going, carrying on as you are and keeping the peace?

I second the Women's Aid recommendation. I think you need some support and advice and if you can't find a way to get to the AA meeting this would be a good alternative (maybe better, as WA are specifically set up and trained to help women with aggressive partners and they will have clear advice on options which will get you started on your way out whilst keeping you and your children safe).

I'm worried about you too, OP. Good luck

Op her's a thought, why are you so obsessed that your DD NEEDS BF to feel loved........maybe she feels happy and fulfilled in her life without a BF at all.......Maybe she loves her friends and feels supported and understood by them, maybe she has people to have fun with, has you to love her and siblings too....

Consider this..... she doesn't want or NEED a partner.....she is happy as she is....can you understand that?

It is possible to be truly happy and feel loved without a relationship....

@ohfourfoxache I didn’t go. It’s not the argument about going out - which isn’t an issue. H would view this as public acknowledgement of his drinking and me beginning the process of fortifying myself and possibly beginning to detach. I think this would cause friction on a scale that I can’t cope with in my current state.

I do want to move forward but quietly for now. I will see if I can plan ahead to next Monday.

Re: WA. I’m not sure what they can do except listen?