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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:08

I should add the ‘call’ my mother made was fake. She pretended to be getting me sectioned. Why do that.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 16/09/2018 08:09

Have you any RL support op?
What’s stopping you going no contact with them?

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:11

Hi thank you for replying. I have no support and I’m very lonely. I guess I’m scared of being even more isolated and not having a family at times like Christmas. That sounds very pathetic written down, I know, but I cannot iterate enough how lonely I am and how low it makes me

OP posts:
ThanksHunkyJesus · 16/09/2018 08:11

It's ok if you don't want to have contact with them. I certainly wouldn't. Have you ever had any counselling or cbt?

TwoGinScentedTears · 16/09/2018 08:11

Ah, honey, that sounds bloody awful. I'd be going totally NC. I certainly wouldn't be going on a holiday with them.

Have you got anyone IRL you can talk to?

Take it easy today. Ice your bruises and be kind to yourself. Flowers

Devilishpyjamas · 16/09/2018 08:12

She made the pretend sectioning call to try & control you. It was fake because she works in MH and knows sectioning doesn’t work like that.

If you want to go no contact now is probably the time. If you want to continue to see them then why? And don’t be alone with them. Either way therapy sounds sensible.

Sarcelle · 16/09/2018 08:12

You need to stop your relationship with them and go NC.

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:13

I’ve no support.

The police want me to formalise the matter, and I’m terrified. I had an abusuve ex, I know what violence is, and last night was it. I regret not putting a stop to his behaviour by doing that then. But this is my parents?

And they’re probably making it all my fault. They were using their faith (not shared) to call me nasty biblical things as well. It sticks with me.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 16/09/2018 08:13

Definitely don't go on holiday with them!
I really think you need to keep some distance between them and you.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/09/2018 08:14

Ah cross posted. Is your loneliness a result of your upbringing? Were you allowed friends? If sounds as if counselling would be a good idea

GreenTulips · 16/09/2018 08:14

Why are you in contact?

Take photos of your bruises and jumper - the police may be round to take a statement.

They can prosicute without your say so if they have enough evidence.

Yes you did the right thing calling the police, they wouldn't let you leave.

Do you have other familly?

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:15

Hi devilish what she did with the call was very very cruel. I think I knew rationally that it didn’t work like that, but I was scared, and she was in a position of power.

She was laughing in my face afterwards, waving the victory sign around screaming ‘that will sort you out bitch’

I’m not sure if I should make wider family aware of what really happened.

I’ve the police card and incident ref no here

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 16/09/2018 08:16

It's not normal and you did absolutely the right thing. You need to get some hep to process this and how difficult your family are. I get that you are lonely and i suspect that your family haven't helped but hindered this. It can be very isolating.

Don't go on the holiday. Do go no contact.

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:16

Hi I’ve had counselling before. Loneliness is probably due to me not being trusting, I’ve been let down a lot

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 16/09/2018 08:17

For your sake, you need never to speak or see these people again.

Daisymay2 · 16/09/2018 08:17

That sounds like an awful experience. I would go no contact.
Cancel the holiday.
Àlso I am concerned about your mother's role in mental health services. I think you should seriously consider raising a fitness to practice concern with her professional body. The fake call is abusive imo.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 16/09/2018 08:17

So sorry to hear what's happened to you op.
You really do need to cut contact with them. I know the prospect of being alone is daunting, but when it's a choice of that or regular physical violence, surely it's better to be alone.
As for Christmas, make a plan. Book a holiday somewhere, decide on something fun you really want to do. Make it something you'll really look forward to.

jmh740 · 16/09/2018 08:19

If you don't take this further with the police what will they do next time? The police officer thought what happened was serious. I know it's easy for me to say as I'm not living your life but I think you need to go further with this and show them you are serious and won't let them treat you this way, then go nc. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I think you need to talk to a professional which should help your self esteem, this is not how caring loving parents behave.

Namethecat · 16/09/2018 08:22

Step away from what happened to you for a minute. If a friend had told you this had happened to them- what would be your advice ? If someone ( not related to you ) had attacked you in this way ,would you continue to have them in your life ? I do know that if this had been done to me I would cut all contact, block them on all social media and phone, accept no apology from them or via a family member. You have been assaulted by two people, which is obviously totally unacceptable. Sorry this has happened to you. Do you have a friend you could spend the day with ?

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:22

I don’t feel like ive other family that would really believe me. They’re such do Gooders in the church etc and I’m sad, lonely and bitter (according to them)

OP posts:
MawkishTwaddle · 16/09/2018 08:22

You poor thing. They sound utterly horrendous.

I'd throw the book at them, personally. Why on earth should they get away with such behaviour? And your mother is certainly not fit to practise in a MH role.

I understand that it's hard to do that to your parents, but they're not parents in any way but biologically.

Cut them out of your life, OP. They don't deserve you.

Thanks
Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:24

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it

I’m scared about telling a friend. Telling makes it real, and it sounds so far fetched?

OP posts:
neffall · 16/09/2018 08:24

What everyone else says.

Never speak to these awful people again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2018 08:26

Littlemissd,

re your comments in quote marks

"I have no support".

You have the support of both the police here and MN too. You are by no means alone here.

"The police want me to formalise the matter, and I’m terrified. I had an abusuve ex, I know what violence is, and last night was it. I regret not putting a stop to his behaviour by doing that then. But this is my parents?"

They are not worthy of the term and you will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Your abusers have made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills and trained you from soon after birth too.

Being terrified also is one of the many damaging legacies such toxic and abusive people like your parents (who are not worthy of being called this) leave their now adult offspring. Read up too on fear, obligation and guilt in relation to toxic abusive people like your parents. Press charges against your mother and father, these people need to be shown that there are consequences for their actions. If she had attacked someone in the street like she did, she would have been arrested too. Both your parents actions here are reprehensible. Her phone call re sectioning was all faked and done to further frighten and control you.

"And they’re probably making it all my fault. They were using their faith (not shared) to call me nasty biblical things as well. It sticks with me".

Their words will hurt if you give those any power at all. That from them is all part of their power and control over you and that is what abuse is all about. Such toxic and otherwise abusive people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

No to any future meet ups or holidays, you should never see them again. That is no doubt frightening to you but you deserve a life free of their abuses of you. Time to rebuild your life without them in it.

I am not surprised to read that you had an abusive ex as well; your parents well and truly set you up to receive such treatment from men too. You need a lot of help to rebuild your life and it is out there for you. Use the police here, contact NAPAC too. Read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:26

I thought what my mum did was abusive too

OP posts: