Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Thank you @VelociraptorRex

Not much sleek at all, no. I just can't stop thinking of the words and the wickedness; of what happened that night, and what proceeded it. The opening message last night (to which I sent the one I pasted some replies ago) was this from F:

I have taken time to reflect on your text which was upsetting and deeply hurtful. It’s not right and it cannot go on. So. Where does that leave you and me (us)? Emotions can change over time . Some for the better and not so. Relationships are dependent on willingness from both parties. To date you have shown no desire to maintain that relationship. Silence is ambivalence. Is that where you are?

^ was in response to me saying no contact for time being, and to please stop threatening messages.

You see how everything is my fault. Everything.

I just don't know what to do

That message is just trampling over your request to be left alone for now, to bully you into keeping up contact.

For now I would block their number.

You have asked for space, their first response is to disrespect that request especially with the fact they put a question it rather than a statement accepting that for the time being you want them to leave you alone.

Speak to your therapist about it

I, personally, would get a brand new SIM card, take your old one out and put your new one in.

Let them message all they like, they'll be screaming into a void. But you can also pop the SIM card back in when you're ready and read their ramblings.

That's if they're texting and not whasapping or whatever you.

I just feel bereft.

Of course you do. You have been betrayed. There is no better word. Completely betrayed by people who should have loved you.

Unfortunately there are no magical combination of words that will
Make them suddenly realise that they have been abusive for the last 20 or more years and they must admit that to everyone and say sorry.

Feel you feelings. You have a right to them. But block them. You don’t need them add to your pain.

Most certainly let do not respond to the message. Just ignore it.

I haven't seen it mentioned, but you may have said, have you been keeping these messages? Screenshot and upload to Google drive so they're secure.

Of course you feel bereft. This is like a bereavement; it is the death of your continual hope that things would be better; that they would come to their senses and be different. Sometimes we have to grasp how it is, not how we want it to be. It’s really hard. But you have not caused this. They have. You are doing the right thing.

That's just it; I did hope that there may be some chance in the future. With appropriate apology, remorse, help...

I feel naive and stupid for doing so.

I just can't get over the vitriol. But everything happens for a reason

you have been bullied and trampled on in several different ways. The worst is how they have destroyed your self worth.

Silence is ambivalence

You weren't silent. You told them to leave you alone.

The vileness of your father's texts is exceptional.

I know you don't feel it, but keep strong. You are strong. The idea to get a new number and move all other contacts to the new number is good. It's a lot of work but distance from them is essential.

Thank you @SeaEagleFeather - and for all the support you've provided by now.

I do agree his message is awful, I think I just wanted the validation?

It feels like it's all my fault; between this and work. Common denominator: me. Rationally, I know it not to be the case, however I've moments of doubt.

I thought after my message he may actually show remorse. More fool md

It feels like it's all my fault; between this and work

It's not your fault op.
Not at all.
Not even a little.

You can no more blame other peoples actions on yourself than you can blame the pavement for getting wet in the rain.

what klutzy said!!

little some people are bullies and its all they've ever known. Its possible you are the first person who's ever successfully stood up to them. But as they know nothing but bullying they ramp up instead. Because you're meant to have realised by now your own feelings and needs are superfluous to theirs. They won't come quickly to the realisation that they made need to look at their actions. They may never come to it.

But you aren't them as you've said so often, and that works two ways. Firstly, you look at your own behaviour. Just because someone is bullish does not mean they are right. But the bullishness is making you question yourself. Many stubborn people make awful mistakes through their own steam.
Secondly, they aren't going to react like you would.

Its also common for people with abusive families to fall into abusive relationships whether thats personal or working. You may well be the common denominator, but that's only because your view of how you deserve to be treated has been screwed up since you were young.

The first time I read your father's message, it really strongly leapt out that he was talking about himself not you.

On re-reading it, it stands out even more strongly.

This is not you. It's him, all him, and he's talking about himself.

Thank you so much, I need to re read these words and keep reading them to undo a lifetime of my conditioning / their behaviours.

Remember the police said my father was the most stubborn man they'd met?

I still can't get over what's happened.

Somehow, I've managed to pull myself out of bed, dress, face, hair, nails on and meeting a friend for lunch (she doesn't know full detail, and lives abroad. Today won't be day for telling her).

At least I'm getting out I suppose. Seeing lovely friend this eve- was on phone to her for an hour this morning and she's well aware. She's of opinion that I was hopeful last week of some reconciliation and thinks the messages I sent, whilst provoked crap, were what I needed to say, so not a mistake.

Only now, she says, have I reached the true rock bottom, and they've shown the truest colours with the last message. It will be the thorn in my back that gives me the strength to keep on going- hopefully anyway

I cannot put into words how grateful I am to have all this support and kind words from people who don't even know me. I want to get to know you all and repay the kindness and my gratitude. Don't know how I would have kept going without this reminding me why I'm keeping going!

You are a courageous woman! I've read the thread, and what you are doing is the work of a lifetime - and also it's an act of loving yourself, and giving to yourself what your parents never did: support, respect, a place of refuge.

Enjoy your day with your friends.

Littlemiss my current user names refers to the meme, that before Alice got to Wonderland she had a long long way to fall.

You’ve fallen a long way and will find solid ground. Let your friends help and support you. Your new world may well feel a bit weird and and wonky for a while but do explore it. Gently at first. Like Alice, you may find kindness and wisdom in unexpected places.

If you feel you have truly reached rock bottom, then the only way is up surely? Even if it's a tiny step every day or week, whatever it takes.

Please do not let your parents reel you back in and please do not fall into the trap of replying to them. You made your stance very clear and if they choose to ignore your wishes of no further contact then that is up to them. At the end of the day it's harassment on their part.

Do you have an old phone you could put your current SIM into and keep it purely for any communication that comes via your parents (I know you said you didn't want to go NC yet and wanted the traceable evidence of what they were sending you)? Get yourself a new SIM so they cannot harass you on your everyday phone.

My situation with my parents is slightly different than yours, (my Dad I have never really known). My mother I went fully NC with about 13 years ago, whilst I had initial guilt about doing it, I did it purely for my own mental health and well being.

Just remember, you are better than them, you deserve better. Do not let them beat you down any further.

At times like this I'd suggest that, far from requiring thanks, "talking" with those who don't even know you is very valuable; not being directly involved we're perhaps better able to take an objective view

And rather than being a fault, I believe that moments of self doubt are natural in a balanced personality - after all, look what results from your "parents" not having any - but it's what we do over them that counts

Given all the to-ing and fro-ing of texts and the message it sends that you'll consider contact after all, I confess I'm very worried that the counsellors next suggestion will be to actually meet up with them. If that happens I really, really hope you'll feel able to resist it rather than starting to doubt yourself over that too

In the meantime, though, I hope you have a brilliant day with not one but two friends. Brilliantly well done for setting that up, and who knows how many other lovely people will be coming your way as you recover

I have loving parents. I am a loving parent. The messages you have received make it absolutely clear how right you are to break away from these horrible people. They don't deserve you.

His statement “Silence is ambivalence.” used in context is textbook gaslighting. He has taken a very clear action (your silence and clearly defined and explained expectation of no further contact) and twisted it into it’s complete opposite meaning - ambivalence. The intention is to make you second-guess yourself, and to make you feel that you are incapable of knowing what you want, what is best for you, or communicating effectively with others. This is how you have been programmed to think about yourself. Without you around to be the scapegoat, where will the focus be aimed in the future?

How often can you see friends?

It sounds like you may live very rural but would it be possible to join any groups or new hobbies, etc. Do you have the time for them?

Just thinking it might be nice to have regular time out of your own head, maybe meet some new people. They don't have to know anything about any of this or became "friends" as such. It's just nice now and again to be amongst people doing something that keeps your mind occupied from shitty stuff.

It's a shame you can't transplant one person's subjective experience into another person's head. As I obviously am not invested in your parents, reading their texts make me feel angry and actually quite shocked at their ridiculous framing of events. They are honesty deluded. But from your side obviously it's not as easy as seeing it detached like that.

Hope you enjoy meet up with your friend.

@Littlemissdemeanour none of us need thanks, being able to help you through this and make sure you're ok is all we want  some people like to go into themselves when something happens to them, and some need to talk it through, and we can be here to help you talk through without you having to worry about anything else  and please don't think any of this is your fault, as others have said it's definitely NOT and you will feel bereft and betrayed, but you don't deserve to be treated so badly.
By the way, do you have any pets? Animals (of any kind, my pet lizard is a great listener) can be a huge comfort at difficult times!

For you Littlemiss

I cannot put into words how grateful I am to have all this support and kind words from people who don't even know me. I want to get to know you all and repay the kindness and my gratitude

Lovely miss, none of us want to belong to this club at all. But if you have to, then at least those of us some years along can help a bit.

Really glad you're seeing your friend tonight.