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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 16/09/2018 08:56

You did the right thing OP. You must have been petrified.

I hate to say it, but if any situation suggests going NC, then this is it.

They’ve assaulted you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. It’s not going to get better, is it? You don’t owe these people anything.

ThePricklySheep · 16/09/2018 08:56

I’m wondering if you might be better to be on your own.
Accept that you will be lonely and that’s ok.
Bed down into it.
Sign up to evening courses etc, not to make friends yet, but just for a few gentle moments of chit chat. Accept that you won’t instantly make friends. Enjoy doing what you want to do, when you want to do it. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself as if you are convalescing.

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:57

Sad thing is I just wish they would call and say they love me. I just want to be loved, my heart is breaking

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 16/09/2018 08:58

And TBH why the hell is your mother working in MH services?!!!

MsForestier · 16/09/2018 09:00

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. This is unacceptable behaviour. Lots of people have family who do not behave as one would expect a loving family to behave. It takes a long time to mentally process this. These people are very damaged. X

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 09:00

She’s the worst one out of them too. The controlling abuse and laughing at me after the fake call

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 09:02

I feel like I’m very damaged and not capable of real life love. It crosses all areas of my life.

I’m not the bad person they’re making me out to be. I want to tell a friend and colleague, and I’m scared to at the same time because of what it means

OP posts:
Saffy101 · 16/09/2018 09:06

Ring the domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 This is open 24/7

Please give them a ring! They will talk to you.

Saffy101 · 16/09/2018 09:06

I am assuming you are in the UK?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/09/2018 09:07

Lovely OP...firstly I am very sorry you are going through this nightmare,it sounds dreadful.Make no wonder you are confused and so upset.It must be torture for you trying to piece this all together to try to make sense of their actions.But and there is a but coming! You say they are abusive and have been for a long time,so they have been abusive before and are continuing to be abusive now,yet you keep going back.Why do you do this? You are choosing to have them in your life so therefor you a choosing to accept their horrific behaviour .It sounds awful and feels awful me writing this but in my opinion you need some specialist help here.Please please follow through with the complaint and access some advice from the police who will I am sure point you in the direction of some therapy.Once you separate in your mind why your parents are like this you will see things very differently and your mind will clear then you can make positive decisions based on your own future.You know what they do is very wrong yet they are your parents and even now you love them and hope for better from them I get that I do but you need space and help to proccess your own feelings.What they are doing is so not right in any way.You wouldn't tell anyone to stay in this situation would you?So its not good enough for you either.You deserve more.Yet with therapy you will see the fog lift inside your brain and you will see the situation more clearly.You and anyone else should not be subjected to abuse from anyone ever.Please talk again to the police let them help you start to break free from all this.You might not feel very powerful today but you are.You are now in the position to change your life for the better forever.Grasp it..it will be worth it I promise you.You could have a lovely life free from fear but its your decision,Tale a leap of faith and do it today rebuild your life from today the alternative is way too horrible to consider.Break free or your life will never change and will get worse.Best Wishes to you ..please be brave.

bevelino · 16/09/2018 09:07

OP, it sounds like there is a history of hurt against you from your family; and I hope you can get support in real life.

Alwayscheerful · 16/09/2018 09:08

Lots of good advice.
Go no contact and enjoy a sense of calm.
Volunteer on Christmas Day cooking lunch for the homeless.
Life might be lonely for a while but it will be calm, join the ramblers etc.
Can I ask how old you are? When did you last live with your parents?

educatingarti · 16/09/2018 09:10

I am so sorry Op, that this has happened. You must be very shaken and shocked. For the next couple of hours just try and take care of yourself. Make a nice hot drink, put on some soft comfy clothes. Make a hot water bottle if it would be comforting.
When you have done this for a bit, think about the person you know that you trust the most ( even if you find it hard to trust anyone much). Consider telling them what has happened.
Temporarily at least, block all the ways your parents could contact you. You don't have to make a decision about whether it is a permanent action right now. Just give yourself some space.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 16/09/2018 09:11

OP, your story is heart breaking. You just want them to call and say they love you... but what they have done is far from loving and even if you get that call, it isn't going to change what they have done to you.

Try to get some immediate support. Women's Aid are 24 hours. 0808 2000 247. Keeping it in your own head is going to spin you around and all the negatives you believe about yourself will rationalise this terrible behaviour.

You can decide in your own time if you want to press charges, if you want any contact, how you want to speak to your friends and wider family. For now, I strongly suggest you get some RL support for you. No one should have to deal with trauma like this alone.

I was in an abusive relationship. True friends will believe you, and want to help. I started by telling one person. Mull over who you might talk to if you just told one person, and tell them when you are ready.

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 09:11

Thank you all. I will ring helpline. And yes, I’m very confused and looking to myself for where I could have behaved better (I’m very aware I’m not perfect)

I’m in the UK, mid 30s, not lived with them for 12 years

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 09:13

The sad thing is the only people I want to hear from are they who hurt me most. They’re my parents, how can they do this to me. The hurt, shock, confusion. This is so much more than any heartbreak that’s come before in many ways, because it’s a death of the life I had. I’m not saying going forward that’s necesssrily a bad thing, it’s just huge shock

OP posts:
NCNCNC123 · 16/09/2018 09:16

You poor thing. You definitely did the right thing calling the police, but you do have to follow it through. They mustn’t be allowed to get away with it any longer.

Go NC with them. Being on your own will be far better than being 'supported' by these abusers. Do not go on holiday without them.

As for Christmas, the worst case scenario is spending it on your own. And that’s not terrible. I’ve done it more than once, and will do it again this year, and I love it. Plan to enjoy the day. I'll maybe have a glass of something first thing, with a favourite breakfast, cook myself dinner whenever I want it, watch whatever I want on tv and maybe go for a walk at some point. If I wasn't going to be exchanging gifts with anyone I'd probably buy, and wrap, myself a few treats now to open on the day, because, knowing me, I'd totally forget what I'd bought. You might think it's sad, but I don't care.

But there are other options. You could volunteer at a soup kitchen for eg. Or see if any of your neighbours will be on their own and invite them round. I cn guarantee you'll have a better time than with our parents.

Starlight345 · 16/09/2018 09:17

I think you should formalise it. My reason been for you . I think you need that validation.

I am nc and completely get the you want to hear they love you. This is abuse not love.

I think you will be in a far greater position to live their life freely when you go nc.

Do reach out to someone on real life .

Photo the bruises and jumper make it a concrete evidence for you. Flowers

NCNCNC123 · 16/09/2018 09:19

You’re not NW Scotland, are you? Cos you could come here for Christmas if you were.

JustanotherJP · 16/09/2018 09:21

Please follow it up with the police.

If it does go to court it is very important that the police take photos of injuries and have a full statement from very close to the time when your memory is fresh. Police photos of injuries are a lot better evidence that personal photos as they can be guaranteed to be of the same person and at the right time.

If you’re in pain and feel you need medical help do definitely go. When you are there tell the GP what happened for evidence in the unlikely case they are asked for a statement.

Court issues aside, you really don’t deserve to be treated like that. Take care of yourself Flowers

Kennycalmit · 16/09/2018 09:23

Oh god OP this is so sad Sad I’m sorry they did this to you

I agree with going no contact but if you don’t feel able to do that just yet, at least cancel your place on holiday. If they can do this at home nothing will stop them doing it elsewhere!

I don’t have much advice unfortunately. It’s scary to think your mother works for the mental health services when she can treat her own daughter this way - it sounds like SHE needs some mental help.

Flowers
Happygolucky009 · 16/09/2018 09:24

I spend Christmas with family members who are nc with me. It's awful but I do it for other's. I have started to dread it already and on the day will count down the hours to bedtime : do something that will make you happy before you end up being obligated by others

mombie · 16/09/2018 09:25

Please go no contact and don't go on holiday. I have been around toxic people (although nowhere near as bad as this), and the relief of being able to do and say what you want to far outweighs being with 'family'.
Also, you need to know that calling the police wasn't a low point, it was the best thing to do in the circumstances. You are not at fault for what happened or what will happen if you pursue a police case. Your parents have chosen a path of action and this is the result. Even if you decide not to pursue a case, please don't have anything more to do with them because they don't deserve it. This is not what parents should be doing and they know this. Don't worry about people believing you, just take each day at a time. If you are ready to talk to someone in RL please do but don't worry about their opinion.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 16/09/2018 09:27

Please follow this up - sooner rather than later than it is done. I think telling someone like a colleague is a good idea if you can trust them. I know it is a lonely places but having no-one in your life right now is an upgrade from having those toxic two.

Then if you have no-one you can start and have someone - try meetup.com or have a go at finding out what interests you - you are a real person who matters and the person you have the longest relationship is with yourself. If that isn't a good relationship, then its going to be difficult to make new, better ones. Focus on yourself first.

Keep posting for as long as you want to but don't feel you owe anyone an update.

KlutzyDraconequus · 16/09/2018 09:31

Sounds like the best thing you could do is make it formal with the police.

Expose them for the abusive bullies they are.