Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Are there any womens' centres near to you op ? These charities are amazing in what they do and if you contact them they will be able at the very least to offer support and kindness.

You have to share this with someone OP, the load is too great to carry alone. I hear you, trying to make sense of it all, stop right there, because you never will. I can relate to your confusion, even now, years down the line, though it wasn't my parents who abused me.
You can do this, keep looking forwards, you are still young, there's a beautiful life out there for you, but you have to be open to it.🌸

@Littlemissdemeanour - I am so sorry you are experiencing such violent and controlling behaviour from the people who supposedly love you the most.

I myself was pinned up against the wall by my mother this summer. She threatened to hit me. I'm in my late 30s. I have two young children.

I finally took the bull by the horns and on Friday told my father, and yesterday my sister. None of them are really speaking with me since the "argument" I had with my mother but nor did they know what actually happened and why I'm not speaking to her. They blame me for it all - they always have - but this time she overstepped the line and I'm no longer emotionally vulnerable so I have finally plucked up the courage to retaliate.

It's heartbreaking but you must not allow your parents to continue with these behaviours. It is violent, dangerous, unreasonable and you can do something about that by following up with the police. It may seem very scary, but please talk to your friend and your colleague - it will help you to process and grieve this betrayal they're putting you through.

I was invited to spend Christmas with the family this year too - as if nothin had happened. I politely declined. It would be hypocritical of me to attend with the clown face pasted on, and to pretend it's all ok, when really it is absolutely shit. Big hugs X

I told my friend (through hysterical tears) there on the phone. She’s as shocked as I am. She will come over later

I’ve no experience of these things with the police, what would happen next? They said arrested for abduction and abuse but it’s all a bit foggy

You sound shocked and in denial, pushing it all away and hoping time can unravel and it can be be undone... which is all really understandable.

But sadly we can’t go back in time and this awful stuff did happen to you, and your parents are really this bloody awful.

And slowly slowly, in your own time and in your own way, you’ll start to come to terms with this, with them, and make your way onto that life long path that is healing from such an abusive family start.

You’ll get there and you’ll find life infinitely wonderful and rich and glorious. Promise you will! When you shed those evil bastards you happen to have been born into, you’ll find life become naturally more interesting and beautiful and variegated.

But sadly, none of that happens until you can start moving away from them. When you start pricing apart your identity from their power and control. When you start to look beyond them for love and affection and belonging. You don’t have to have finished and be sorted and all healed to live life well. You just need to have your feet on that right path.

So, wrap yourself up in love and cuddle yourself with jumpers and hot water bottles and hot drinks today. Give yourself love from yourself. And accept all the care and support on here, from the police last night and also helplines etc.

And mourn the loss of the family you should have had and that they won’t behave like proper people and give you the love and basic human kindness you need as their child ... and maybe try and recognise this ain’t going to change because they are Not Good People.

And you are.
And you deserve better.
If you can recognise that, you’re starting on the right path and you should be bloody proud of yourself

Well done for telling someone in real life.
This is the hardest part, admitting it. You will have been conditioned to think everything is your fault. It is not. You were attacked.
It must feel like it would be easier if it was a stranger, but it was your mum.
Block their numbers.
It is time to start your life without them. It will be scary but much better in the longer term. Cancel holiday and get your deposit back.
Do not make contact in any way. Respect yourself as they obviously have no respect for you.

I think your parents were being abusive towards you. You were strong. You contacted the police and left a hostile environment. Do not go on holiday with them. If you do, you 'll be trapped with them in an unknown location. If it's abroad then you will struggle to call the police for help. I would cut ties with them until you figure out what to do. Counselling and confiding in a close friend will help you.

Please please follow this through with the Police. They will not be telling you to do this if they didn't think it wasn't a very serious matter.

for you, you must be in awful shock right now.

Thanks all. It probably does read like I’m in denial, but I’m well aware from past experience what this is. I’m just so shocked as it’s shattered everything I know and loved.

I know this isn’t love. I’m no fool. I’m lucid, and at times, hell im even strong.

I have told someone. I’ve also reached out to my brother (not particularly close). I’ve reached out to tell him the truth, and that whilst we are not close, I do love him and he needs to understand why I did what I did and what happened. As they’re so controlling, I think it’s important (even though I’ll be blamed regardless).

What will happen next with the police though? I’m scared and honestly, I’m humiliated.

I am a professional woman with my shit together and I got a train last night with bags everywhere, red wine all down my top and make up everywhere. I looked like a drunk. It reduced me to that.

After years of being accused of overreaction and being gaslighted and not believed, the best day of my life was the day my mother blew up - in public - and accused me of something I definitely did not and could not have done (that hadn't even happened btw) and screamed she'd never talk to me again if I didn't apologise. It was the biggest get out of jail card - she'd shown everyone her true colours, I wasn't just making it up etc etc. Your parents have given you that gift here. They have beaten you and abused you and the police that saw it want you to press charges. You could get a non-molestation order and never have to talk to them ever again - how bloody liberating is that going to be? It might be terrifying now, that freedom, but this is yor chance. If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got. Change your behaviour - they aren't going to change theirs. Run!

Well done @littlemissdemeanour

I’m glad your friend is coming over later. Why not speak to the police again and understand the options? They may also debrief with you.

I’m sorry this happened to you. This was violent and abusive.

I’m so glad you’ve got someone coming over OP.
Be kind to yourself and try to take things easy. You’re probably going to be very achy over the next couple of days.
Your mind must be churning after everything you’ve been through.
You don’t have to make any decisions today, but do keep talking about what happened.
It’s disgraceful your mother works in MH with vulnerable people.
Gentle handhold here if you want it

Thanks. I know, the definition of insanity, right?

I’m just processing everything; my own anxiety, how I’ve fallen into abusive relationships, distrust. I can see where it stems from.

It’s just so shocking, because I do love them. But I also know love does not do this. Their misguided sentiments that it was for my own good and the manipulation of I’m sad, lonely and bitter- look who is talking,

I know all that, of course. It doesn’t detract from the fact this is my life, and real, and I’m very scared about the uncertainty.

The holiday was booked and paid for not by me, so no worries there. It’s just all so very sad and my head is spinning.

Don’t feel humiliated OP.
You got yourself away from a dreadful situation.
You’re freaking awesome

I feel so unloved and alone.

I wish this was all just a bad dream. I’m sure like many before me; I can’t believe this is happening, to me

I feel so unloved and alone

Bit this is part of the abuse, they make you believe one thing and act in another. Whilst you have them you aren't looking for positive relationships elsewhere.

Start by thinking about what you want from life and being who you want to be. Get some councilling and work in your future.

You sound very together, if unhappy, you need to reach out to others so they can understand you and live you for who you are rather than hiding in fear of your parents

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It breaks my heart. You are already doing the right things to protect yourself, by telling other people and not keeping it as a secret that you can feel shame over. I went NC with my abusive father over 15 years ago now and although the first few months were horrendous, it was the best decision I EVER made. You can do this.

Oh my god OP. This is abhorrent.

Please follow through with the police. You must not have contact with these people again. You can't help them, you won't change them. They do not comprehend the real meaning of love, so you will never have that from them.

Love yourself. You are not alone. Look how many on here have come to support you! Your posts scream of someone who has been mentally battered over a lifetime. Don't give them any more of you, they don't deserve you

But you are not alone - your friend is coming over and the police will back you up. Can you ask your friend to come with you when you go to the police if they want to take photos (assuming they haven't already)?

And there is MN. It can be a nest of vipers but I have found it a useful place - I'm sure there are MNers that are local but don't feel you have to reveal yourself.

Thank you. I think I’m together on the outer, but inside I’m broken.

That’s what I panicked so much last night; I had visions of my mum’s fake sectioning call having me carted away and drugged up against me will. It scared me so much. She knew it would. That’s why she did it. That sticks more than physical, in many ways.

I’m just struggling to process the life I thought I had. I’m also wondering who to tell

Thank you so much for taking the time to curate these words. It really is MN at its best, when someone is at their lowest.

It does make me feel just a little more validated, and that this is nott fault. I’ve just been conditioned all my life to think it is my fault.

What’s making me sad now is my baby pictures and my school work. My memories that I’ll never see again. They can’t love me to do this. They think they do, they think this is somehow justified, I know it’s not. I’m so caught up in an abusive cycle that it’s become me. So whilst I’m lucid now, I’m very scared I will weaken at a later date.

Tried to phone WA, but busy

We’re pre programmed to love our parents. It’s an inbuilt thing, and all we want is for them to love us in return.
If you saw someone being beaten and verbally abused yourself would you call the police? If a random stranger warrants help from you then you definitely deserve it.

I'm really glad you reached out to your friend and brother op, and that your friend is coming to you. I know that telling people about it makes it real, and that you are probably dreading that. But it is already real, and you need to make sure other people know. You shouldn't have to bear this treatment alone.