Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

You people are so kind, thank you. I feel so low and hearing you have faith in me and understand I’m a reasonably put together human makes me believe I may just be.

I do think my childhood has shaped the way my adult life has become, and I agree I need counselling, and now. I’m petrified of what this may reveal, but in the early hours of this morning I was brought a clarity about how I’ve become this way. Some I had control over, yes, but I have been conditioned to these subtly manipulative controlling and bullying behaviours.

I found the fire in my belly at work (that’s a whole other story) and whilst that’s been hard, I’m doing something, I have a little control.

When it comes to matters of the heart, however... I know I’m weak. I stand up for myself professionally and with friendships but in relationships.. I accept responsibility where it isn’t mine to move on, to be ok, to not have angst (I’m so scared of that, and it makes me so anxious not knowing where I am). This is quite clearly as I’ve always sought this from my parents. And it’s quite clearly always been volatile. There was the belt as a child, god on my shoulder as a young adult and now it’s grown into holding me hostage as an adult. Like I’m still some child that can be controlled.

I’m still the child inside, wanting to be loved and seeking validation. But I had the control and the support of that lovely PO and her colleague last night. I felt we had a few looks, and I know she wanted to say more than she professionally could. There are some very, very good people in the world.

Could you access counselling through work ? They are toxic and you are better off without them for your own survival

I just wanted to reassure you about the being sectioned thing. I'm a social worker and it's part of my job to do the assessment to decide if someone should be sectioned.

Under most circumstances, three professionals need to do an assessment and agree if someone should be sectioned. That needs to be two doctors and an approved mental health professional (usually a social worker).

It is possible for a family member to request an assessment. If the person is your nearest relative (if you're single, live alone and don't have any children over 18 then it would be whichever of your parents in the eldest) requests a mental health act assessment (ie to consider if someone needs to sectioned) then mental health services have an obligation to consider if that assessment is necessary. But that doesn't mean the assessment will definitely happen, it just needs to be considered.

To decide if someone should be sectioned, those professional would make a careful and reasoned decision. They wouldn't decide to do that just on the basis of one person's view.

I hope that reassures you.

I think if I hadn't had my gran I might have fallen into an abusive relationship outside the family. As it is my lovely husband is emotional intelligent, just like Gran.

You can get through this little missdemeanour.

msforestier I’m so sorry to read your story. Your nana sounds amazing. Mine were too, and I’ve looked at pictures of them both this morning to give me strength.

How can a mother degrade her own daughter to much they throw wine over her and tear her top and remove dignity. She even threatened to put my shoes in water so I couldn’t walk in them. Really abusive.

I need to keep writing to remind myself of the detail and not minimise.

Great user name OP. Sense of humour there!

Thank you MHEP and MsForestier

I think deep down I knew that about being sectioned. She was just so convincing. Then laughing in my face and waving the victory signs around me. My god, it was awful.

I would love a lovely partner one day too, I hope I meet someone emotionally intelligent and balanced. I don’t think I’m stupid that way, just more vulnerable than most as I’m always seeking validation. And my confidence is shot.

Write a numbered list of things that happened and things from the past while it is still fresh in your mind. It will be useful. Put the date on it that you wrote it and the date that the stuff happened. Where it happened etc

"I would love a lovely partner one day too, I hope I meet someone emotionally intelligent and balanced. I don’t think I’m stupid that way, just more vulnerable than most as I’m always seeking validation. And my confidence is shot".

And those last two points you make in relation to you leaves you far more vulnerable currently to attentions from abusive men. Your parents abusive treatment of you from a young age well and truly set you up into having relationships with abusive people yourself as an adult. This can be unlearnt but you will need to put a lot of hard and difficult work into unlearning all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date.

The organisation NAPAC would be helpful to you as would enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid. This would help you better with boundaries.

Do not minimise your own experiences at the hands of these abusive people.

What a horrible thing to happen op. So sorry you are going through this.

Even if you decide not to pursue this with the police, you should go nc. I get that you're worried that this will increase your loneliness and isolation (this is exactly what your parents want you to think) but you will find ways to cope and improve on those feelings - you may be by yourself or feel that you are, but at least you won't be being abused.

Oh Littlemissdemeanor.... I just want to reach into the internet and give you a massive bear hug (if that doesn't sound too patronising).

I'm lucky to have had very loving parents and I cannot imagine where you even begin to process this kind of abuse.

I would say writing things down is a good idea. Everything. Get it out onto paper. Things from last night, vague memories of abuse from the past. It's important to remember it.

I don't even feel remotely qualified to give you advice, but I have had counselling myself twice in the past for various things. I think it's definitely something you should push for again.

I agree with NC immediately and wait and see what happens when the police get in touch. I would be very hard but I would consider an official complaint.

You ARE lovable. I like the sound if you just from what you've written! The people who should love and protect you the most have not only let you down but have actively abused you. That totally on them.

There is a better life ahead of you.

Call the police station from where the police officers came from and tell them you want to press charges and they will probably tell you to go to your local police station for your clothing and your injuries to be photographed.
I am left wondering how many people your dm has sectioned because she didn’t like them

Never contact your parents or your brother again. They are dangerous and I feel you, having been snapped from their grasp once they will be more organised the next time.
I think it is too dangerous for you to be anywhere near them again.

Whilst you fear loneliness is it more or less of the fear you were experiencing being pinned up against that wall and thinking you were about to be sectioned.

Cancel the holiday and go on one on your own.

Concentrate on your job issues and your own life.
Getting good friends can take time or you can meet someone who you gel with immediately.

For the moment enjoy your own company and know what ever you do from now on will be down to you.

The sense of freedom when you make the decision to cut people who mean you harm from your life is something of a high.

I would contact WA who will help you with any practicalities and are there to talk.

Remember it is not your actions that have made it impossible for this relationship to continue but your parents

For Christmas in our area there are a couple of pubs or restaurants which throw a Christmas party for those who are on their own at Christmas which seem to be really successful.

Good luck op I too have been that girl pinned down being screamed at not knowing what I had done wrong.

I think you will meet someone lovely.

I'm with Martha Beck (American Agony aunt type person) on this

'Many people become wiser, calmer and emotionally healthier with age and experience. Others display neither psychological health nor interest in changing. You may have already spent much of your life trying to get the love you deserve and need from someone in the second group. I'm so sorry but that love will not be forthcoming. Go find the people who are willing to love you.'

(It's one of her five rules for lasting joy - no. 3 get rid of toxic people)

How awful for you.

Please, please stay away fron your parents, they've damaged you so badly.

You don't have to have everything figured out right away, but you can make a start by deciding to have no contact with your parents today, tomorrow and for the next week.

You can use the space to breathe a little, recover from the shock, and to connect with some support.

Little steps. Gradually these will lead you away from your toxic family and into a much more healthy life. Honestly, it can only get better.

But you are not ready for a relationship, you need to deal with the abuse you've endured in order to recognise a partner who is right for you. At the moment you are likely to be drawn to those who remind you of your parents, it's a subconscious thing, we all do it.

I think you should do the Freedom programme. You have probably been brought up to not recognise when people have ulterior motives or haven’t got your best interests at heart. This will bring a new prospective on the situation and any new situations and people who come into your life in the future. Friend wishes it was taught in schools as it would have stopped her from being made disabled and unable to work.

Have your parents got some form of early dementia or have they always been like this.

Your mums place of work need to be informed of her behaviour
I know you won't do that yourself right now, or ever, but she is in a position of responsibility with vulnerable people and she should not be.
So I would definitely recommend you pursue the police complaint.
Definitely cut all contact with these horrible people
Sitting on your own at Xmas will be hard but next year will be better and the next year who knows you could be living the safe life you deserve surrounded by love and nice people?
I've heard the freedom programme is helpful ?
You are not alone, I for one will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Please take care of yourself xxxx

There is no way to keep a relationship with them after this it was really shocking to read.They have severed the relationship not you!!!!!!
I know you feel you will lose your family and that is unfair and very tough for you, but their behaviour is soo far from normal, you need to make a stand and (believe me I know it's not easy) build up relationships away from them.

Give them (and yourself) some breathing space. They sound unhinged. Do collect evidence and maybe look into family counselling. All strength to you.

You are not the one who severed any chance of moving on at all. They are abusive, and that is NOT on.

I think you need to seriously think about going no contact, because this is no way for a parent to treat a child.

trampire thank you so much for saying I am loveable and likeable. You don’t know how much it means that someone can see ME through this. Between this and work I feel it looks like I’ve just taken exception to everything - really not the case at all!

You need breathing space. They need you around still as their whipping boy.

And an absolute no to any family counselling. That is shockingly bad counsel.

Counselling for your own self OP is a must do but never with your family members present.

Thank you so much again, helpful words and things to think about.

Another thing came back to me. I needed the loo when pinned up against the wall and I was told to urinate where I was standing by my father. I think that’s the worst yet actually.

"Between this and work I feel it looks like I’ve just taken exception to everything - really not the case at all!"

Of course its not. This is not merely you taking exception to everything either. You must not minimise what they did to you here; this was assault and for that they should face repercussions. Not doing anything is not an option.

Thank you Atilla- I’m going to look up BACP tomo as a matter of urgency.

I know not doing anything not an option. I was cornered last night and I did the one thing I didn’t think I could find the strength to do - call the police