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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 16/09/2018 08:27

I can't say this loud enough! Stay the hell away from these assholes!

No contact must be your only option going forward. Noone deserves to be treated the way you were, that was truly shocking. I also speak from experience because I have a mother who is very similar. We've been NC for a decade and it was the best decision I've ever made.

I also honestly thing you should persue with the police. What they did to you was completely not acceptable.

Don't worry about Christmas. I've had a few Christmas days with neighbours and friends when I was single and.NC with family and they've actually been some of the best. No expectations all round and you can stay as long as you wish (or not)

Hugs for you though. It'll take a little while to process what the f* just happened to you just please don't minimise it for your own sake.

Clankboing · 16/09/2018 08:27

How old are you? X

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 16/09/2018 08:27

Honestly, and this is so much easier said than done, you really need to completely cut them out of your life. They are utterly toxic and abusive. You will be much stronger without them. Like pp said book something lovely for yourself for Christmas, really treat yourself, or go and volunteer somewhere and be around lovely people. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you, your parents are totally at fault here and are awful people. You did nothing wrong.

redcaryellowcar · 16/09/2018 08:28

I agree with daisy she doesn't sound capable of doing her job.
This is not normal and you need to keep yourself safe. It sounds from what happened that by spending time with them you are at risk of being not only verbally abused but physically harmed too.
I realise you probably need to take this one step at a time, but you will find that being lonely at Christmas is unlikely, people (normal lovely people) will invite you to join them, or you could volunteer to help make lunch for an old people's home or homeless shelter.
Start slowly but please do make a decision to keep yourself safe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2018 08:30

They are the ones who are sad, lonely and bitter. Not you and it is not your fault they are the ways they are; you did not make them that way (their own families did that to them).

Not surprised either to read that these two are do gooders and supposed pillars of the community. Such people use the church and religion to cover for their abuses of their now adult children too.

They made you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Your mother assaulted you, do press charges. She needs to be shown that there are consequences for her assault on you.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 16/09/2018 08:31

Oh god, you poor thing op Sad

Please tell a friend, or a support group, or SOMEONE. I bet if you did tell a family member then at least one of them would believe you; ask the police officer who came out to the house if she'd be willing to confirm any details over the phone and put down her number for them to call in case of questions. You could tell them in a letter/email and say that you didn't know who else to tell but you couldn't cope with your parents any more and need some family support. Include a picture of the jumper and tell them the CRF if you need to.

Also, keep talking to us here Flowers

bananasandwicheseveryday · 16/09/2018 08:34

You say that by reporting, you've effectively stopped any chance of moving on. Well, I would ask why you want to move on with these cruel people? Why wouldn't you want to love on away from them? Away from the fear of physical violence? Away from the fear of emotional violence? You have taken the first step. It's up to you to decide how many more steps you are willing to make. By making your report more formal, you will be removing yourself from their wicked actions. You might also be preventing your mother from causing harm to any of the people she meets through her work in mental health - especially if she need a dbs check to do her work. It must have been so hard for you to finally make that report last night. Maybe you are more ready to move on and away from them than you realised? Flowers

beanaseireann · 16/09/2018 08:36

OP you must tell someone in RL today. Take photos of your injuries.
Do you have siblings ?
Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles or cousins who will support you ?
You have to go no contact.
They are bad people treating their daughter as they treated you.
There is nothing positive in continuing a relationship with them.
Did any neighbours hear your cries for help ?

AwdBovril · 16/09/2018 08:39

You are worried about going NC because you don't want to be lonely. But would continuing your relationship with your parents really improve your state of mind? Or do you think they would just continue to be abusive? TBH I suspect you might be less lonely if you broke free of them & formed some healthy relationships with people that bring happiness into your life.

Saffy101 · 16/09/2018 08:40

OP, That was awful. A very long time ago I was in a relationship that was abusive physically and verbally. The verbal was the worst!!!

YOU have withstood so much!!! And been so brave and sensible, you phoned the police and got yourself out.

Ring Womens Aid! It does NOT have to be abuse form a partner. They will give you help and advice in a situation like this and good luck!

A580Hojas · 16/09/2018 08:42

You say it is a large family holiday planned for later in the year. Is there any way you can talk to any of your other family members about this? At least to tell them what happened?

0ccamsRazor · 16/09/2018 08:42

Oh Op, I am so sorry that the people that should treat you with love have abused and hurt you.

Please take this further with the police, this is a very serious matter.

A trip to re gp may be prudent, so that your injuries and the situation can be recorded. Ask your gp to refer you for counselling, you need support.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve love and respect. Talk to your friends, they will want to be there for you.

You may find it helpful to pop over to the 'stately home' threads, for support and understanding.

I hope that you will be ok, none of this is your fault. You are being abused mentally, emotionally and physically.

Flowers and (((hug)))

Medwaymumoffour · 16/09/2018 08:42

I think it’s time to go nocontact. I know that’s hard but they have massively over stepped a boundary last night. You are not safe with them. Please don’t go on holiday with them and if you do ever have to meet again make sure it’s in public place like a coffee shop.

Your lonely because you have been conditioned to feel worthless to keep you in your place. It’s choice now, you can choose to not be their punch bag - or anyone’s punch bag. You can choose to be a survivor.

The control lies with you now your a adult. Make that choice.

Sally2791 · 16/09/2018 08:43

How awful for you. It must be dreadful to have the people who should love and care for you most treat you so appallingly. Definitely no holiday and do go nc at least until you have had some counselling. Work on trying to build trust and make genuine real life friends. Please help the police to deal with your awful parents.

0ccamsRazor · 16/09/2018 08:43

And yes to contacting womens aid

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:45

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t leave and I couldn’t stay. They also took my mobile off me for a period, and my shoes. And threw my case onto the front lawn. It’s yerrifyimg writing it all down. Like surreal

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/09/2018 08:48

Sweetheart, you are stuck in the FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

They are abusive, controlling and violent. The only "moving on" that you can do from that kind of behaviour is to recognise that they will not change. The only thing that you can do is to change how you respond to it.

Press charges. It's the right thing to do. Tell your friends and other family - don't hide this away. Find a counsellor and get some help with talking this through - this is not your fault.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 16/09/2018 08:49

How old are you OP?
Please call someone.
Look after yourself.
Thanks

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/09/2018 08:49

And I echo the advice that if you feel you must continue to see them, then meet in public places only.

JacNaylor · 16/09/2018 08:50

Firstly, I think you should follow up the complaint, for yourself but also because she's in a position of trust working with vulnerable mental health patients, her employers need to know that she is unstable for the patient's sake.
Secondly, you don't want to cut contact because you fear loneliness but actually if you cut contact with these people who are damaging you and get counselling to help you deal with past abuse, you may find that you are much more able to form friendships in the future, with people who treat you properly!

FesteringCarbuncle · 16/09/2018 08:52

I would press charges and then cut contact
They should be forced to take responsibility for their actions. The police are impartial so it will be harder to blame you if they are charged with an offence

cafenoirbiscuit · 16/09/2018 08:53

Lovey, you are getting NOTHING from this relationship. And that’s not your fault. It sounds like you’ve tried and tried to be what and who they want you to be, but they will always find fault. They are very damaged people. You are worth more than this. NC. And now. xx

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/09/2018 08:53

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, have a strong hand hold.
Imagine if you hadn't have had access to a phone, then what ? How long would it have gone on for, 'til they broke you ?
Please speak to the police again today, they are dreadful people, and need to pay for what they have done to you. For your own mental health, you cannot afford to brush this under the carpet.
You are not alone, we are all here, if there is just one member of your family that you trust enough to tell, or one friend/ someone else, then please be brave enough to speak to them.
Cancel the holiday, don't even contemplate it. Don't worry about Christmas either, just do this one thing, do it for you !

BlueEyedBengal · 16/09/2018 08:54

Follow through with the charges this is no way to treat your child and Evan as an adult, shame on them. You need to go no contact this cannot be allowed to happen to you ever again. I know this is scary for you but you need to get control back on your terms. Get therapy as this will help you deal with any worries you may have.Thanks

FusionChefGeoff · 16/09/2018 08:55

Another one agreeing you have to cut contact and do not go on holiday with them.

It's disgusting they could treat anyone like this, let alone their own daughter it makes me want to cry for you.

I also agree you need counselling to try to unpick all the damage they will have caused.

Your loneliness will be caused and continued by their influence I have no doubt. You are easier to control if you are on your own so they will be doing everything they can to keep it that way,

Once you are free of them, you will be free to find a new normal - a new way of life - which I am sure will be richer and more full of love than you can even imagine right now.

Huge hug from a random internet stranger.