If your husband was cheating, would you want to know?

[astrid20]

I have very good evidence that my male colleague is having an affair with another colleague. It's only a small office and they are very cosy; going for lunch together and to the gym.

I have seen them leaving the office together very late, after he made a show that he was going home. I sit next to the guy and have seen them messaging during work hours and she once let it slip that he had given her a lift home from a work event.

I live near to her and yesterday morning when cycling to work I saw them leave her house together, although they walked in to work separately.

I know the guy is married and that his wife has just given birth to their second child. The woman is single.

I despise cheaters and it makes me mad that other colleagues think this guy is a real family man.

If you were the wife in this situation would you really want to know? Would you believe an anonymous tip off?

She won't believe you, and it's none of your business anyway. Don't get involved.

I'm always amazed how many people don't want to know their partners are having sex with at least one other woman, are having their sexuality health put at risk by their partner unknowing, their children's lives put in danger of chaos if ow falls pregnant etc.

You'd honestly rather carry on sleeping with him, raising a child with him whilst he shag whomever he wants??

Forget it. He has to live with his conscience
Yeah and the wife just has to live with unknown std's. Nice.

Or they could be using condoms? Either way it's his issue not yours.

Or they could be using condoms? Either way it's his issue not yours.
Yeah cos they 1.0% protect against pregnancy and std's however they're used. Oh, wait....

It's a tally THEIR issue but she doesn't know it. Doesn't matter she's oblivious as long as he can fuck who he wants eh?

astrid20 'Reading through the replies has made me realise that if there is any chance I could be wrong then it is a terrible idea to mention it to his wife and therefore I won't be.'

I'm relieved to hear that. It really is for the best.

I'd want to know and would tell the cheated on person if I knew they were definitely having an affair. But you don't know - you're guessing. It sounds like there is definitely a crush or some attraction and they may be flirting and finding excuses to be together but you don't know that they're having an affair. So in this case, I wouldn't say anything.

I'm getting way too much head in the sand. No suprise really because even when you know an affair is happening...the general MN view is to mind your own business.

You've seen a number of interactions that are suspicious...for me the worse one is him coming our of her house in the morning.

OP...if you had posted all this from the perspective of the wife...people would tell you "off course he's having an affair" .." if it walks like a duck"... and "don't be taken for a fool."

I'm pretty easy going as wives go...but my DH being in a single woman's home in the morning would certainly ring major alarm bells and the rest.

Bluntness100 ... you can carry on with your targeted sarcasm and other nonsensical comments towards me as much as you wish if that floats your boat.

I'm pretty easy going as wives go...but my DH being in a single woman's home in the morning would certainly ring major alarm bells and the rest

Really? Even if he said to you before he left "I have to pop into Sarah's and drop off x on the way to work. So will,leave fine mins early"

Because let's be honest, you don't know that conversation didn't occur do you. The fact you don't trust your husband is irrelevant here.

You're just frothing at thr mouth wanting this woman to be told her husband is having an affair. You know full well there is a chance the op is wrong, even she knows it and has said so.

But yet here you still are pressing ahead.wanting the lady with thr new born to have her world shattered, on nothing more than guesses and supiscion.

@Bluntness100 I meant I've been in the unenviable position of being cheated on and being told about it as per the original headline of this post, I didn't pass comment on whether the chap was cheating or not, i was answering OPs general questions.

Re the changing room - there are no toilets on that floor, only a changing room

Well done bluntness the wife will now probably be cheated on for a decade or 20 years , waste the best years of her life on this man who is extremely likely to be cheating and then be left when it suits him because no one has the gumption to tell her their suspicions.
It’s not just the list of intimate behaviour but also the vibe that the op feels. So I hope you feel you have achieved something worthy , I certainly don’t.

Yes. We all think we ’know’ who are partners are and if they are cheating and you’re unaware then you're essentially living a fake relationship because you're partner is not who you think they are. People should know all the facts and then be given the choice of whether or not to continue the relationship with that knowledge. Like a lot of people, one of the most important things to me is that my dh is faithful. I currently believe him to be faithful man and that contributes to how I feel about him. If he cheats then he's not who I thought he was and I should be allowed to decide if I want to stay or go (i’d go) based on what I now know about him.

Well done bluntness the wife will now probably be cheated on for a decade or 20 years

Or quite likely he's not cheating at all and they will continue to have a happy marriage, why does the thought upset you so? Why can't you accept that the op doesn't know either way, and there is a chance this man isnt cheating at all. The op can accept it. Why can't you? What made you so bitter? What's colouring your view?

People should know all the facts

Sure. Again that's not disputed. The point is the op has no facts. None, nada. Zilch.

Lots of ex colleagues thought I was having an affair with a man where 100% nothing sexual or romantic happened ever. We were just good friends (still are).

Lots of adding 2 and 2 together and making 5.

Bluntness , I’m not bitter , why do you assume that’s the case with everyone who disagrees with you? Or that they have trust issues with their own husband? You personally attack anyone who has a view that is different to your own and therefore think their motifs are devious and underhanded.
I genuinely think from what the op described it’s highly likely that her gut feel was right. I feel incredibly sorry for the wife and think life is too short, time is too precious to have it wasted by others.

Fuckit, in your own words you think it's "highly likely". Which means you accept there is a possibility it's not true.

With this possibility why would you wish the wife told?

You accept it's not a given. Clearly. You say as much. So why rock in and cause a woman who has just had a baby all this angst, cause trust issues in the marriage, when you fully accept the op could be mistaken?

And that's the point. If the op is not sure, she should not do this. And she is absolutely not sure. Every single thing she has stated as an example could easily be innocent. I myself have done them all.

It's not an attack but I am wondering what's driving you to cause harm to this woman. Because that's what it would do. Cause harm. And you don't do that if you don't know.

She's just had a baby for God's sake.

It's not an attack but I am wondering what's driving you to cause harm to this woman. Because that's what it would do. Cause harm

I’m not “driving” anyone to cause harm, the husband is doing that by himself . I’m stating that if it were me in the wife’s shoes, I would absolutely want & appreciate the heads up. Understand what you’re saying around the timing not being great and perhaps it’s worth waiting but for me personally, I would absolutely want to know about the kind of things that the op has described as to me it sounds off , very off. For you it doesn’t and that’s fair enough but please understand that just because my take (and other posters) on this is different to yours that we aren’t all devious/bitter/filled with loathing. That’s basically resorting to name calling when you can’t bear to have your own personal opinion challenged.

Ive not called any one any names

And why do you keep saying the husband is causing harm. You don't know that.

I get you'd have issues if your husband was friendly with a female work colleague . I am coming at it from the other side, I don't have issues with that, he can drive someone home once, pop in on the way to work, work late with her once, for me it's fine, because I've done all those things with Male colleagues and we trust each other.

You think it's very off to do these things and they signal an affair.. I don't think that at all. We will need to agree to disagree.

I would definitely want to be told. It would be utterly humiliating if other people knew but I didn't.
I would only tell someone if I was absolutely 100% sure of the affair though. It sounds like your colleagues are very close, especially as he was seen coming out of her house but I'd wait until you were absolutely sure. Then I wouldn't hesitate to tell his wife.

FuckIt why are you invested in the OP taking flimsy gossip to this man's wife? You see if you were genuinely concerned about the woman involved (rather than a drama hungry gf) you'd suggest OP wait until she has proof rather than 'a feeling'.
You're treating this like a game but there are real lives involved and your claim that you work in a professional environment and no-one has ever said they were leaving and then worked late is laughable.

Bluntness what seems quite slanted about your posts on this thread is that you insist that only actual observations and evidence are cause for telling this woman, no inferences or drawing controls allowed, yet you've indulged in wild speculation about the potential damage of telling the wife, up to the point of saying:

And what if she's got it wrong, the woman has post natal depression and kills herself

Talk about letting your ideas run away with you! It's hardly a balanced view to speculate like this about one side of things but to insist that on the other only established facts can be considered.

Anyone else remember when Relationships was the part of MN where you could be guaranteed sensitive, considered support? Now it feels like AIBU.
OP I'm glad you've decided against telling the wife. You simply don't have evidence of an affair here.

Of course only established facts can be considered when considering causing a family this much pain. And of course you need to think through all the possible outcomes of doing so.

Honestly? Wouldn’t have the slightest interest in knowing.

FuckIt why are you invested in the OP taking flimsy gossip to this man's wife? You see if you were genuinely concerned about the woman involved (rather than a drama hungry gf) you'd suggest OP wait until she has proof rather than 'a feeling'

Deep sigh ....it’s not just a feeling , the op has seen numerous strange interactions. Why would the ow claim to be leaving the office , to then walk upstairs to a shower room /changing room where there are no, repeat NO toilets ? The husband then goes upstairs to apparently “get changed into his cycling gear” , 20 mins later the op calls for the lift , both the husband and the ow are in the lift going to ground floor. The ow states that she was just going upstairs to use a toilet ( that btw doesn’t even exist ) on the upper floor for 20 mins....
Together with all the other things that the op raised I think she is correct in her view that they’re having an affair.

As said prior , if I was in the wife’s position I would absolutely appreciate the heads up (in regards to what OP has advised of) so I could do my own digging and make the judgement for myself. Rather than people being scared to tell me and letting me live an entire lie. I’m not a ”goady drama hungry fucker” 🙄 just someone who doesn’t agree with not sharing reasonable concerns with someone about their husband and letting them make their own mind up.

Together with all the other things that the op raised I think she is correct in her view that they’re having an affair

But you don't know do you? Why will you not admit that? You keep stretching it to make it look as likely as possible, And why will you not accept others don't think her concerns are reasonable?

Even the op has said she may be wrong. But you won't accept it for a second and are gagging for this woman to be caused some untold pain which may be completely and utterly unnecessary. She's a new baby, yet you want her to go digging, to suffer uncertainty, what, just in case?