If your husband was cheating, would you want to know?

[astrid20]

I have very good evidence that my male colleague is having an affair with another colleague. It's only a small office and they are very cosy; going for lunch together and to the gym.

I have seen them leaving the office together very late, after he made a show that he was going home. I sit next to the guy and have seen them messaging during work hours and she once let it slip that he had given her a lift home from a work event.

I live near to her and yesterday morning when cycling to work I saw them leave her house together, although they walked in to work separately.

I know the guy is married and that his wife has just given birth to their second child. The woman is single.

I despise cheaters and it makes me mad that other colleagues think this guy is a real family man.

If you were the wife in this situation would you really want to know? Would you believe an anonymous tip off?

Oh gosh, I'd want to know for sure, in this case seeing as you know her. Certain people knew about my husband's cheating. I still feel rage at the fact they just let him keep doing it without telling me - lying to my face, covering for him. The betrayal from them for not telling me was a stab to the heart, too.

Okay , in that case i’d Just write an annonmous note and say the affair is with the the woman that lives at xyz address and urge her to get a private investigator. That’s all you can do in the circumstance I think without getting yourself too entangled. X

You honestly need to mind your own business here and crack on with your work instead of obsessively doing detective work into what these two are up to

Yes tell her. Someone told me my husband was cheating.
There is no question, she has to know ASAP

Astrid - ignore the posters saying you are a busybody etc. You're "vibe" is 99.9% likely to be accurate. It was a "vibe" that let me know my stbxh was cheating. Tell her anonymously but include evidence if you can. You are trying to do the right thing and I applaud you for that.

I would want someone to tell me ! I personally would do it anonymously though.

Yes I'd want to know. Not least because sexually I don't want to be sharing fluids in a 3 way scenario thanks. I'd want the choice to tell him to fuck off. It will be academy of shoot the messenger for you tho. That's how people get away with bad stuff. Others hold their dirty secrets for them, for whatever reasons there may be. So he can do as he pleases. Sad really, but that's the way of the world

Years ago I worked in a massive local authority building and the sheer volume of people who were cheating on their partners in daytime/working hours was legion. A real eye-opener. No way would anyone tell their partners but they'd have a good look over and laugh at them when they attended Christmas do's etc

I would certainly want to know so I could do my own snooping, so many women get put in a bad position because they are completely blindsided. I would do it anonymously and say 'I suspect that' and say why.

I think the fact his wife has just given birth you shouldn't tell her.

I'd imagine she'll be hormonal and with enough on her plate already.

I'd maybe consider mentioning to him that it's very obvious that he's involved in some way with the woman at work and that you hope he's not going to continue to put you in an awkward position since you know the wife.

Hopefully that will be enough to give him the wake up call he needs to do the right thing.

I agree with FuckItPassMeTheWine
An anonymous tip off gives her a choice of how she handles things. Let’s hope you are wrong, but it sounds pretty conclusive.

She probably knows already .. I'd keep my nose out

Not anonymously no

What failing at 40 said. Discuss it with him about how awkward you feel if you care so much. It may be a wakeup call. Dont be a coward with a heart-splitting anonymous note to a woman who’s just given birth. There are times and places for breakig horrible news compassionately. Sounds to me like you are projecting the hurt from your last relationship into this one, with a sende of moral justice but with no real thought for the care of woman you are about to devastate. And agreed- a very very risky work environment for you when you are seen to interfere in the domestic lives of other employees (whatever your principles) by sneaking anonymous notes through their home addresses.

You are also assuming a lot about the primary relationship. Imagine if you suspected someone at work had had an abortion and you knew their partner was catholic so on solely that basis decided that they, like you, cant possibly believe in abortion so started sneaking anonymous notes to their house saying “do you know what your wife did” and explaining you disapproved?

How do you think your employer would view that little moral crusade?

Talk to the man about how you are put in a difficult position jow- thats the only piece of this that has anything to do with you. If not brave enough, maybe reconsider getting involved.

Oh yea raise it with him and cause issues for yourself at work fuck that idea right off . If he doesn’t care about his wife’s feelings who has just born his child he will certainly not give a dam about being a prick towards the op. Wake up!!

Op I would protect your identity but give the ow’s address and urge her to do her own digging. Well done you for actually having a moral compass that works xx

Short term wouldn't want to know, but long term yes. Never be a fan of whoever told me though

The person who told me about STBX's affair was the only person in the whole sorry mess who had the common decency to treat me like a grown up who deserved the truth.

Horrible time, but I am grateful to him for that.

But he did have the moral courage to tell me what he knew in a phone call. I am less convinced of the value of an anonymous letter

I hope neither line-manages the other, not has responsibility for payrises or promotions. Under-cover nepotism in the workplace is not a good thing.

Yes.

Please tell her, I wish someone had told me. If he can treat her like this when she's just given birth, there really is no hope - he's a vile shit!

100% but definitely some evidence too!

I wouldn't voice my suspicions in any way. It's none of your business and there's no evidence that he's having an affair. I think an anonymous tip off is underhand and would cause immense distress to the wife.

Just think how that would be from her point of view: She would be forever wondering is it true? who knows? who was it who told her (a stranger?, a friend? who can I trust now? - answer, no one.) She would be overwhelmed by mistrust and suspicion of everyone, not least her husband, and that would ruin forever what should be a lovely special time.

You suspect an affair but they might not be having an affair at all.

At my old work a married family man and stunning girl were good friends. They went for walks together at lunch time and also used to go to a lunchtime salsa class together. They were friends, and especially among people in their 20s and 30s this is very common and totally accepted. My son has lots of female friends and his wife is fine with it.

If I was going to do anything at all and depending on how friendly you are with your colleague I would ask about his wife and new baby - a totally natural conversation under the circumstances.

How would the wife be constantly wondering if the affair is true If the OP put the ow’s address in the letter and advises the wife to get a PI? Not all pi’s are very expensive.

The wife would be constantly wondering who the anonymous message was from.

The wife would also be curious about why the anonymous person is so invested in her marriage. That's odd in itself.

@starbrightlight it’s not odd she just doesn’t want to see this woman get fucked over and made a fool of . I don’t think it’s odd , I think it’s more odd when people just stand back and observe it like it will never happen to them .